"They felt the earthquake at Martha's Vineyard. It was so bad, President Obama nearly missed a putt." -David Letterman
"Apparently there's a crack in the Washington Monument. Calm down, Marion Barry, I said 'a crack.'" -Craig Ferguson
"After the earthquake on the East Coast, they found Mayor Bloomberg standing under his desk." -David Letterman
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Funniest Earthquake Tweets
@TheTweetOfGod There was just a 5.8 earthquake in Washington. Obama wanted it to be 3.4, but the Republicans wanted 5.8, so he compromised.
@JenKirkman Michele Bachmann is readying her speech to ease the fears of everyone regarding today's earthquake in Washington State.
@ApocalypseHow Holy Crap - something moved in Washington DC?!?!?
@pareene I think Chris Christie just jumped into the race
@davidfrum wait a minute - earthquake centered on Virginia. Maybe God is mad they DONT have gay marriage?
@lizzwinstead Worst. Rapture. Ever. #Earthquake
@ModeledBehavior: "More and more scientists are questioning whether that was a real quake. It is a theory that's out there."
@dylanmatt: "In retrospect, I resorted to cannibalism rather fast after the earthquake."
David Letterman's "Top Ten Things Overheard During The East Coast Earthquake"
10. "That was the scariest two seconds of my life!"
9. "It's lootin' time"
8. "Hey, you forgot your champagne"
7. "5.9 earthquake, it would have been a 6.2 if it had a better lead-in"
6. "These new Taco Bell chalupas are rockin' my world"
5. "My hiccups are gone"
3. "Call FEMEMA, the Federal Extremely Minor Emergency Management Agency"
2. "Darn, right in the middle of laser eye surgery"
1. "Kirstie, stop with the jumping jacks!"