Obamacare Jokes and Funny Quotes about Obamacare

"The White House says it's surpassed its goal for people enrolled in Obamacare. It's amazing what you can achieve when you make something mandatory and fine people if they don't do it, and keep extending the deadline for months." –Jimmy Fallon

"Many scam artists are trying to take advantage of the problems with the Obamacare website. Experts say you can tell it's a scam site if you enter your information and it quickly and efficiently signs you up for healthcare." –Conan O'Brien

"The ObamaCare website won't be accessible at night due to maintenance. And it won't be accessible during the day due to 'it sucking.'" –Conan O'Brien

"The Obama White House website still says if you like your health plan, you can keep it. That's false, of course. The president says they're trying to correct it, but his website people can't seem to log on." –Jay Leno

"President Obama said he is sorry that some Americans have lost their existing health coverage due to Obamacare. I think he's getting a little desperate. Today he said if you like your complete lack of coverage, you can keep your complete lack of coverage." –Jay Leno

"So, yes, the president was somewhat dishonest about the promise of his healthcare program, but here's the weird part, his opponents have been lying like motherf*ckers about its effects." –Jon Stewart

"The Obama administration asks Hollywood to work positive mentions of ObamaCare into its TV shows and movies. So AMCs new zombie drama is titled: “The Walking Dead But Not Due to Preexisting Conditions.” –Conan O'Brien

"President Obama's approval rating is down to 39 percent. And Toronto Mayor Rob Ford, who admitted to smoking crack cocaine, went up to 49 percent. How does this make Obama feel? He'd be better off smoking crack than passing Obamacare." –Jay Leno

"According to CBS News, only six people enrolled in Obamacare on the first day of the rollout. Six! That means more people have walked on the moon than have signed up for Obamacare." –Jay Leno

"Anybody try to sign up for the Obamacare? It's impossible, and everybody's furious. The Republicans are upset about Obamacare because something they tried to stop now won't get started." –David Letterman

"Con artists are using Obamacare confusion to sign people up for fake health insurance. The scammers lure victims with false promises like, 'If you like your healthcare plan, you can keep your healthcare plan.' The scammers will tell you that, so you have to be careful." –Jay Leno

"There was some good news today for embattled Health and Human Services Secretary Kathleen Sebelius. Obamacare will cover all her injuries after the White House throws her under the bus. She is totally covered." –Jay Leno

"For years President Obama has been saying that no one would lose their healthcare plan. Now the White House has admitted that in fact many people will lose their plans. But there is a way to keep the great coverage you have. Just become a member of Congress. Then the taxpayers pay for the whole thing." –Jay Leno

"Obama said they've had some glitches with the Affordable Care website. I'll tell you something. If you order a pair of pants online and they send you the wrong color, that's a glitch. This is like a Carnival cruise, for God's sake!" –David Letterman

"Americans have waited seventy years for affordable healthcare but if the website takes more than an hour, f**k it, I’m watching a cat video. Some people said they had to sit at their computers for up to nine straight hours, beating the old record set by Anthony Weiner." –Bill Maher

"It is a dysfunctional mess, no one is denying that. But don't worry, Congress is on the case. The Republicans held hearings yesterday. They are outraged that the thing they did not want to work is not working." –Bill Maher

"The White House now says the Obamacare website will be fixed by the end of November. So if your doctor has only given you three weeks to live, sorry pal." –Jay Leno

"Despite all of the website problems, the approval rating for Obamacare has gone up. Unfortunately, I can't give you the exact number because it's listed on the Obamacare website." –Conan O'Brien

"Today there were more problems with the Obamacare website. It seems when you type in your age, it's confusing because it's not clear if they want the age you are right now, or the age you'll be when you finally log in." –Jay Leno

"The White House announced that it is bringing in the best and brightest tech experts to fix the glitches on the Obamacare website, which is a great plan. You know what would have been a better plan? Hiring the best and brightest tech experts to make the Obamacare website in the first place." –Jimmy Fallon

"I tried to log on to the Obamacare website today. I don’t think I'm doing it right. I lost 300 bucks playing Texas Hold 'Em." –Jay Leno

"You can also enroll over the phone. The call goes like this: 'Hello and welcome to Healthcare.gov, the place where you can learn about signing up for affordable healthcare. Right now there are 8 million people ahead of you in line. Your estimated wait time is forever.' It would be ironic to die while waiting on hold for health insurance, right?" –Jimmy Kimmel

"According to a new report, more than 700 fake Obamacare websites have been created. Security experts say it's simple to identify the phony sites because they are easy to log on to." –Jay Leno

"Obamacare needs the premiums of healthier people to cover the costs of sicker people. It's a devious con that can only be described as insurance." –Stephen Colbert

"Obamacare is real. As of Tuesday people went on the exchanges. Unfortunately they didn't work. This thing crashes so frequently they are starting to call it Lindsay Lohancare." –Bill Maher

"We've got the government shutdown, but the beginning of Obamacare. You know what that means? You can now complain to your doctor about the government making you sick." –Jay Leno

"Before they went on vacation, Congress voted to exempt themselves from Obamacare. They gave themselves a special exemption because they thought it was too expensive. So the people who voted for Obamacare for us voted to exempt themselves from it. You know how doctors take the Hippocratic Oath. Congress apparently takes the 'Hypocritic Oath.'" –Jay Leno

"The White House approved an exemption in Obamacare coverage for Congress and members of their staff. Members complained that the Affordable Care Act will cost them thousands extra a year in premiums. Wait a minute. It's their bill. If it's too expensive, why did they name it the Affordable Care Act?" –Jay Leno

"The Republicans in Congress voted to repeal ObamaCare for a fortieth time today. It’s really now less a governing philosophy; it’s more like Charlie Manson applying for parole." –Bill Maher

"The Obama administration has admitted that under Obamacare, you might not be able to keep your doctor. At first the president guaranteed you'd be able to keep your doctor, and now they're saying you 'might' be able to. Today Obama changed his slogan from 'Yes we can' to 'Perhaps we could try. Can't promise anything.'" –Jay Leno

"President Obama told a group of school children that broccoli was his favorite food, and they believed him. Then he told them Obamacare would reduce the deficit and the kids all busted out laughing." –Jay Leno

"This week will mark the 37th time House Republicans have tried to repeal Obamacare. If Republicans really wanted to do away with Obamacare they should just endorse it as a conservative non-profit and let the IRS take it down." –Jay Leno

"Obamacare takes effect in less than eight months. Do you realize what this means? If you go to the emergency room now, you'll be covered by the time you finally see a doctor." –Stephen Colbert

"Fox News host Bill O'Reilly is writing a new book about the killing of Jesus. It will be the first time Jesus' death is blamed on Obamacare." –Conan O'Brien

"The CEO of The Cheesecake Factory is now warning that Obamacare will be very costly. Hey, The Cheesecake Factory is one of the reasons we need Obamacare in the first place." –Jay Leno

"The CEO of the Olive Garden blames his company's low profits on Obamacare – which is odd because most people won't eat at the Olive Garden until they have health insurance." –Conan O'Brien

"Mitt Romney has a supporter in Indiana who thought it was a good idea to have the Romney/Ryan logo tattooed on his face. He'll feel stupid when he finds out about campaign buttons. ... I wonder if laser tattoo removal is covered under Obamacare. That would be ironic, wouldn't it?" --Jimmy Kimmel

"Taco Bell is going to start selling nachos and chicken nuggets wrapped in a tortilla. In other words, thank God we're going to keep Obamacare." –Conan O'Brien

"Congratulations to President Obama on being reelected president of the United States. Turns out it is not all bad news for the Republicans. It seems that depression is covered by Obamacare." –Jay Leno

"I could not wait to start using my Obamacare. Today, I swallowed a fist full of birth control pills and then washed it down with poison. What do I care, it’s free?" –Bill Maher

"Down in Louisiana, Republican Governor Bobby Jindal said he's just going to refuse to implement Obamacare. That's it, 'F**k you all. I'm just not doing it.' So if you need an operation in Louisiana, you're going to have to pay for it the old-fashioned way: Stand on a balcony, flash your tits, and hope someone throws you money." –Bill Maher

"Yesterday, House Republicans held their 33rd vote to repeal Obama’s healthcare law. It was mostly a symbolic vote that accomplished nothing — or as Congress calls that, a vote." –Jimmy Fallon

"In a landmark decision, the Supreme Court ruled President Obama's healthcare mandate is constitutional. This is a major victory for President Obama, who spent three years promoting it, and a major setback for Mitt Romney, who spent three years creating it." –Jay Leno

"If you're an illegal immigrant in Arizona hoping to become a citizen so you can get free healthcare, this is the greatest week of your life." –Jay Leno