"The National Security Agency has been collecting the phone records of tens of millions of ordinary Americans. I just don't think Bush gets it. When people say these days that we need more intelligence in the White House, they're talking about something completely different." --Bill Maher

"I signed up for a new calling plan today -- the 'NSA Friends and Family' plan. For $100 a month, they listen to all my friends and all my family." --Jay Leno

"If the government has been monitoring my phone conversations, by God, they should be paying half of my phone sex bill." --David Letterman

"Bush's approval rating has fallen into the 20s -- 29 percent in the latest poll. I tell you. It's hard out there for a chimp. ... He says he doesn't pay attention to the polls. If he wants to know what the American people are thinking, he'll listen to your calls." --Bill Maher

"I got a call last night during dinner from Verizon asking me if I was happy with my long distance surveillance." --Bill Maher

"In the wake of news that the NSA is monitoring American phone records, Sen. Arlen Specter, the judiciary committee chairman, said he would subpoena the phone companies to appear before his committee. The phone companies said they would try to be there sometime between 10 a.m. and 6 p.m." --Tina Fey

"Instead of the NSA recording conversations, this time they just gathered information about the calls: the time, the length and the phone numbers. In other words, while the government does know you called The Gay Teen Bondage Chatline at 1:45 a.m. for 7 minutes at a time, what you discussed... that's your business." --Jon Stewart

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