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Gay Marriage Jokes

Late-Night Jokes About Gay Marriage

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"President Bush is calling for a constitutional amendment against gay marriage. He says he wants to put both Al Qaeda and IKEA out of business. ... Apparently, it's a pretty strict ruling, too. Under this constitutional amendment, gays would not be allowed to marry unless one of the parties was Liza Minnelli." --Jay Leno

"The Senate did not pass a constitutional amendment banning gay marriage. President Bush was behind this thing. The president opposes gay marriage, but not because he wants to deny people who are in love the opportunity to get married like everyone else ... because he just wants to make sure that gay guys are allowed to have sex with as many gay guys as possible" --Jimmy Kimmel

"The anti-gay marriage amendment: The president endorsed it. The Senate discussed it. I'm pretty sure Jerry Falwell masturbated to it." --Jon Stewart

"Even though President Bush is pushing for this gay marriage amendment, Vice President Dick Cheney doesn't think the federal government should be involved. Cheney said the government shouldn't prevent men who are obviously in love with each other from having a relationship. For example, let's say an oil company wants to get in bed with the leader of the Republican Party -- they should be allowed." --Jay Leno

On Bush supporting a constitutional amendment to ban gay marriage in the 2004 election: "Ah, a constitutional process to ban gay marriage? And yet that was the only time he mentioned it until now. It's as though marriage in our country is only threatened during even numbered years. It's the cultural version of raising the terror alert. All I can say is, as election day gets closer, I would not be surprised to see a large suicide c*ck threatening Manhattan." --Jon Stewart

[Clip of Bush: "America is a free society, which limits the role of government in the lives of our citizens. In this country, people are free to choose how they live their lives."]
Jon Stewart: "And that's why I want to ban gay people from getting married."

"The Senate is considering a constitutional amendment that would ban gay marriage. The amendment is expected to fall a few votes short because Senators Orrin Hatch and Trent Lott are antiquing in Vermont." --Conan O'Brien

"As you know, President Bush is calling for a constitutional amendment against gay marriage, or as President Bush calls it, 'Leave That Fellas Behind.'" --Jay Leno

"Do we need a constitutional amendment? Is that the most important issue facing the country today -- gay marriage? We were off last week, so apparently, we must have caught bin Laden." --Jay Leno

"You know what's interesting about this whole thing? According to polls, 51 percent of Americans do not approve of gay marriage, but 70 percent of Americans do not approve of President Bush. So gay marriage is actually more popular than he is." --Jay Leno

"Do you notice gay marriage didn't become a big Republican priority until all their members started going to prison?" --Jay Leno

[Clip of Bush: America needs to conduct this debate on immigration in a reasoned and respectful tone...We cannot build a unified country by inciting people to anger or playing on anyone's fears
Jon Stewart: "That's what terrorism and gay people are for."

"Recently, the highest court in South Africa handed down a decision ordering the country s parliament to extend marriage rights to all gay couples. So just to reiterate, American is now less progressive than South Africa." --Jon Stewart

"The Bush administration renewed its call for a constitutional amendment to ban gay marriage. So I guess they feel the only time that guys should be on top of each other naked is in an Iraqi prison." --Jay Leno

"President Bush said he was 'troubled' by gay people getting married in San Francisco. He said on important issues like this the people should make the decision, not judges. Unless of course we're choosing a president, then he prefers judges." --Jay Leno

"Some see the move as an attempt to preserve traditional values, while others see it as a cynical ploy to ensure that Vice President Dick Cheney will never have to pay for his gay daughter's wedding." --Jon Stewart, on President Bush's proposal for a constitutional amendment to ban gay marriage

"President Bush said today he's troubled by all the gay marriages. ... He said the only time two men should ever be in bed together is if one is a lobbyist and one is a politician." --Jay Leno

"Tempers are running really high in Washington about a lot of issues. Yesterday, Senator Arlen Specter and Senator Russ Feingold got into a shouting match over the issue of gay marriage. ... As a result, Specter and Feingold have cancelled their wedding in the Florida Keys." --Conan O'Brien

"Republicans say they plan to press for a constitution amendment to ban gay marriage. Because the founding fathers intended gay sex to be very casual. They didn't want it to be married." --Craig Ferguson

"President Bush has been hard at work trying to make it illegal for gay people to get married lately. It's a suspicious move for an ex-male cheerleader I have to say. He's got this bill ... that will define marriage between one man and one woman and possibly one other woman they meet in a hotel bar on a business trip. ... The president is also focused now on border security, especially gay border security" --Jimmy Kimmel

"More problems for Hillary Clinton. The head of New York state's leading gay rights group describes Hillary Clinton as a disappointment on same-sex marriage. Today, her husband bill described her as a disappointment on opposite-sex marriage." --Jay Leno

"Governor Schwarzenegger has come out against gay marriage and then he went back to slathering body oil all over his muscles in front of other guys." --Craig Kilborn

"If the last two days are any indication, the race for the White House will be pretty much decided by whether two middle-aged women can open a joint checking account." --Jon Stewart
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