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Bob Hope Jokes

Classic Political Jokes by Comedian Bob Hope

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"It gave dirty politics a bad name." –On the Watergate affair

"I always like to go to Washington D.C. It gives me a chance to visit my money." –On touring the U.S. Treasury

"I need money. I have a staff of 30, and four houses, never mind the government, to support."

"It's so cold here in Washington, D.C., that politicians have their hands in their own pockets."

"The Democrats have an answer to the unemployment problem. They're all running for the presidency." –On the many Democrats running for president in 1988

"I don't know if the presidential candidates are running for the White House or Animal House." –On Gary's Hart's campaign for president

"Clinton loves to make long speeches. In fact, this will be the first inaugural address with an intermission."

"(Dan) Quayle thinks Roe vs. Wade are two ways to cross the Potomac."

"Ronald Reagan is not a typical politician because he doesn't know how to lie, cheat, and steal. He's always had an agent do that."

"Ronnie's hero is Calvin Coolidge and Nancy's is Calvin Klein." –On the Reagans

"I don't know what people have against Jimmy Carter. He's done nothing." –Campaigning for Ronald Reagan against Carter

"Everything Reagan does, Gorbachev does him one better. Reagan wears the flag of his country on his lapel. Gorby wears the map of his country on his forehead."

"A very, very religious man. Every time I eat a peanut, I feel immortal." –On President Carter

"Carter wants to go to Washington. He'll feel right at home there - he was raised on a nut farm ... Every time he grins, someone tries to write 'Steinway' on his upper lip."

"The last time I played golf with President Ford he hit a birdie – and an eagle, a moose, an elk, an aardvark ..."

"A lot of people were surprised that Ford picked Nelson Rockefeller to run with him. After all, Rocky had tried to get the job of president three times himself. That's like asking Morris the Cat to watch your tuna salad."

"Where else but in America could the women's liberation movement take off their bras, then go on TV to complain about their lack of support?"

"If I had that kind of money, I wouldn't come to Vietnam, I'd send for it." –Denying reports during a Christmas troop show in Saigon that he was worth $500 million

"I guess I have my critics everywhere." –In Saigon where a bomb went off at his hotel just before he checked in

"Now that the war is winding down, I want to say I do appreciate you fellows hanging around here – just for me." –On a visit to Vietnam in 1972

"You never had to ask his score. Just count the casualties." –On Spiro Agnew's atrocious golf game

"I thought Deep Throat was a movie about a giraffe."

"You can tell he used to be a rancher. He squeezes Republicans like he's milking a cow." –On Lyndon Johnson

"A few months ago Kennedy's mother said, 'You have a choice. Do you want to go to camp this year or run for president?'" –On John F. Kennedy running for president at a young age

"It's hard to play a guy who rattles his medals while you're putting." –On playing golf with President Eisenhower

"Eisenhower admitted that the budget can't be balanced and McCarthy said the communists are taking over. You don't know what to worry about these days – whether the country will be overthrown or overdrawn."

"I happen to know why he's running for president. It's the only way he can get out of the Army ... If he slices the budget like he slices a (golf) ball, the nation has nothing to worry about." -On Dwight Eisenhower

"I have it on good authority that (Sen. Joseph) McCarthy is going to disclose the names of 2 million communists. He has just got his hands on the Moscow telephone directory."

"He rules the country with an iron fist - the same way he plays the piano." –On Harry Truman

"Harry had won by such a narrow margin he might not have made it if Bess hadn't voted for her husband." –On Harry Truman's narrow victory over Thomas Dewey
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