Condoleezza Rice Jokes

"Today is the 54th anniversary of the first man getting to the top of Mt. Everest. Now, if only we could get one on top of Condoleezza Rice." --David Letterman

"Condoleezza Rice, bless her heart, is trying to work out a peace agreement between the Palestinians and the Israelis. That's about as doable as she is" --David Letterman

"The hot gossip in Washington is that Condoleezza Rice might have a new boyfriend. Secretary of State Rice is being linked to Canada's Foreign Minister, Peter MacKay. It's gotta be awkward dating a fellow diplomat. Like today, MacKay had to promise Condi he would get permission from the U.N. before he invaded her." --Jay Leno

"Actually, I heard that she was trying to learn the Canadian national anthem. They were alone in a room and she was heard going, 'Oh, Canada. Oh, oh, Canada.'" --Jay Leno

"Condoleezza Rice is apparently dating a Canadian politician. It's a proud day for Canada. They're the first nation to put a man on Condoleezza." --David Letterman

"It's rumored in Washington that Condoleezza Rice has a new boyfriend. Allegedly, he's Canada's Foreign Minister, Peter MacKay. Since he's a diplomat and he visits her at the White House, he has to have a Secret Service code name. Do you know what his Secret Service code name is? 'Captain Kirk.' You know why they call him that? Because he's going where no man has gone before." --Jay Leno

"It's been reported that Condoleezza Rice is dating a high level Canadian diplomat. Sources say you can tell because Rice has an extra bounce in her step and is giggling a lot as she prepares for the invasion of Iran." --Conan O'Brien

"Condoleezza Rice brings an impressive resume to her new job. The granddaughter of a cotton farmer, the former provost of Stanford University, she is fluent in four languages, an accomplished classical pianist, and even an expert figure skater. Wow, it seems like the only thing she can't do is make peace with other nations." --Jon Stewart

"As the New York Times noted, Rice is the president's closest adviser on foreign policy matters, so close in fact she can even sometimes finish his sentences — which makes one of them." --Jon Stewart

"Condoleezza Rice gave her big testimony yesterday before the 9/11 commission. She said one of her big ambitions in life is to become the commissioner of the National Football League. And yesterday she demonstrated her ability to perform the end around, the double reverse and the prevent defense." --Jay Leno

"Condoleezza Rice testified this morning before the 9/11 commission. Or as they're calling it in Washington — 'The Passion of the Rice'. ... She did a great job. It is not easy raising your right hand while you're trying to cover your ass at the same time." --Jay Leno

"President Bush says he is looking forward to the testimony of Condoleezza Rice. Yes, he is very excited about Condoleezza Rice's testimony before Congress. Well, it makes perfect sense — he wants to know what was going on, too." —David Letterman

"Condoleezza Rice has been rehearsing for her appearance this week before the 9/11 commission. They say she has been practicing her answers by having her aides ask her questions. Wouldn't be easier just to tell the truth? Then you wouldn't have to remember the answer." —Jay Leno

"President Bush has reversed himself and decided to allow Condoleezza Rice to publicly testify before the 9/11 commission under oath. It was a little dicey for awhile because White House lawyers told Bush that they didn't want to set a dangerous precedent. Bush said 'Hey I'm the precedent, I'll decide what's dangerous around here.'" —Jay Leno

"Not only will Condoleezza Rice testify, but President Bush has also agreed to meet with the (9/11) commission. He's going to testify, but he said he wants have Dick Cheney there with him. Why does he want Cheney with him? What? Does he have a learner's permit to be president and have to have an adult with him." —Jay Leno

"They are grilling Rice and boy is she steamed. ... This White House is nothing if not clever. They said they will allow Condoleezza Rice to testify, and they want her to do it on TV, but it has to be on UPN, the night NBC has the final episode of 'Friends." —Jay Leno

"They say that Saddam is stonewalling, he's refusing to talk, he's not giving out any information. No, wait a minute, that's Condoleezza Rice." —David Letterman

"Condoleezza Rice was on every network morning show today blaming this whole mess on 'flawed intelligence.' Afterward the president took her into his office and said, 'You weren't talking about me were you?'" —Bill Maher, on the failure to find weapons of mass destruction in Iraq