| John Ashcroft Jokes | |||||||||||
| Late-Night Jokes About John Ashcroft | |||||||||||
"They say that Attorney General John Ashcroft may be steeping down. Apparently he wants to spend more time spying on his family." —David Letterman "It looks like Attorney General John Ashcroft will likely resign. He says he wants to devote time to covering up naked statues in the private sector." —Jay Leno "There’s a rumor that Attorney General John Ashcroft will resign before the inauguration. The White House feels that since Bush is going to swear to defend the Constitution, they want to make sure it's still around." --Jay Leno "Our top story, in 'Threat Matrix Reloaded' news ... Attorney General John Ashcroft and FBI Director Robert Muller held a press conference today to announce that Al Qaeda is planning attacks somewhere inside the United States at sometime in the future. So go about your normal lives, but with a vague sense of foreboding." —Craig Kilborn "Ashcroft went on to say that our way of life is being threatened by a group of radical religious fanatics who are armed and dangerous. And then he called for prayers in the schools and an end to gun control." —Jay Leno "Why does listening to John Ashcroft make me feel like the world has already ended? If we're going to be warned about terrorism, can't it be by someone who actually makes us want to live?" —Jon Stewart, on Ashcroft's announcement that America's terror alert level had been raised from yellow to orange "According to USA Today, President Bush was very annoyed with Attorney General John Ashcroft for overstating the danger of that dirty bomb incident, like today when Ashcroft called it the biggest threat to America since those naked statues." —Jay Leno "Yesterday, Attorney General John Ashcroft had surgery to remove his gall bladder. Doctors say the surgery was difficult because Ashcroft refused to take his clothes off." —Conan O'Brien "Attorney General John Ashcroft is in intensive care. He's suffering from a severe case of pancreatitis, which they can't really figure out because he's not really a drinker. They think he might have picked up some type of infection while wiping his ass with the Bill of Rights." —Bill Maher "Attorney General John Ashcroft has been hospitalized. I believe he is suffering from homophobia. No, actually, it was just gallstones, but when they gave him the hospital gown that opens in the back, he refused to wear it, he thought it was a gay wedding dress." —Jay Leno "Attorney General John Ashcroft was admitted Thursday to the intensive care unit of a Washington hospital for gallstone pancreatitis. While he was there, doctors may also try to remove the stick from his butt." —Tina Fey "It was quite a Superbowl show, if you think about it. There was a streaker, Janet Jackson's breast was exposed and then Kid Rock wore an American flag as a poncho. You know, I'm surprised John Ashcroft's head didn't explode." —Jay Leno "A lot of people are now criticizing Attorney General John Ashcroft for his policy on detaining what he considers suspicious people. I think he's going a little overboard. Today, he arrested the entire band Foreigner." —Jay Leno "On Monday, Attorney General John Ashcroft issued a terrorism warning, asking all Americans to be on the high alert this week. Then on Friday, he announced that the period of high alert would be extended indefinitely. I think I speak for all Americans when I say, 'Bitch, I can't be any more alert than I already am. Okay?' I'm opening my mail with salad tongs. I take my passport in the shower with me. I am watching so much CNN, I am having sex dreams about Wolf Blitzer." —Tina Fey on Saturday Night Live's "Weekend Update" "Attorney General John Ashcroft said there is a new credible terrorist threat. He said everything is under control; not to panic. And then he went back to his harmonically sealed bunker." —Jay Leno "President Bush delivered his first State of the Union address, riding high on an 82-percent approval rating, and with Attorney General John Ashcroft dispatching agents to interview the other 18 percent." —Daily Show host Jon Stewart ~Compiled by Daniel Kurtzman Related
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