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Submitted by Comedy Writer Jake Novak

For Novak's Kerry/Edwards jokes, click here.

GOP Confab
GOP leaders say the Republican National Convention will be highlighted each night by elaborate musical numbers staged by each and every one of the artists who support President Bush. But it's not clear if the Oak Ridge Boys are ready to take on such a grueling schedule alone.

Powell No-Show
Colin Powell will not be attending the Republican National Convention later this month in New York City. The decision is leaving most experts confused, since the Secretary of State usually joins President Bush whenever he visits a foreign country.

Stem Cell Attack
First Lady Laura Bush attacked people supporting more stem cell research, accusing them of giving people false hope -- kind of like when her husband tells everyone the economy is getting better.

Bush 9/11 Report
Critics say President Bush took too long to accept the recommendations of the 9/11 Commission's report. But experts say Bush is already doing something to make America safer than anything suggested in that report; he's losing the election.

Box Office Hits
President Bush is inadvertently the star of one of the top grossing movies in the country now that "Fahrenheit 9/11" has made more than $100 million. Of course, he's still playing second-fiddle to his wife, who is the subject of the even more popular "I Robot."

Manchurian Candidate
There are mixed reviews for the new version of "The Manchurian Candidate," which tells the story of a corporation that brain washes and controls the U.S. Vice President.  Average movie fans say it's great, critics say it's a little forced, and Halliburton execs say, "Hey! That's our idea!"

Teresa Sounds Off
After she told a reporter to "shove it," Teresa Heinz Kerry is under attack.  Conservatives want her to apologize, liberals want her to calm down, Dick Cheney thinks she should have told him to "f**k off." 

Clinton's Message
In his speech last night, President Clinton insisted that "strength and wisdom are not opposing values."  But it's not clear if he meant that as an attack on President Bush, or an endorsement for Governor Schwarzenegger.

Bush Falls
President Bush fell off his bicycle while exercising at his ranch in Texas yesterday.  Officials say no essential parts of his body were effected, which means he must have hit his head.

GOP Chides Dems
Republicans say the Democratic Convention is nothing but an episode of "extreme makeover."  Democrats are responding by characterizing President Bush's first four years in office as back-to-back episodes of "Big Brother," and "Fear Factor."

First Lady's Schedule
First Lady Laura Bush will be busy this week distributing children's books and campaigning for the Bush-Cheney ticket.  Of course, Mrs. Bush could promote literacy and help the campaign all at once if she just stayed home and taught her husband to read.

Berger Documents
Former National Security Advisor Sandy Berger says he accidentally removed top secret terrorism documents and inadvertently threw them away.  The Bush Administration now wants Berger to be prosecuted, fined, and put in charge of all of the President's National Guard service records.

Support for Lay
News reports say the first President Bush is doing what he can to support indicted ex-Enron CEO and founder Ken Lay.  The two men have a lot in common; both know what it's like to be the father of an economic disaster.

Cheney at the Yankee Game
Vice President Dick Cheney joined former Mayor Rudy Giuliani at last night's game at Yankee Stadium.  Cheney really blended in with the crowd; wearing a Yankees cap, eating peanuts, and yelling at all the Red Sox to "F**k off."

Top 5 Reasons Jenna and Barbara Bush are Now on the Campaign Trail with Dad

• Campaign fundraisers usually have open bars
• Helps hide the fact even they can't get a real job in this economy
• Can learn to make their own booze when visiting all those Red States
• Traveling from state to state every day is the only way to avoid all those annoying college mailings asking for alumni donations
• As long as they're around, at least two people on the campaign staff will be able to read

Cheney Sticking Around
Despite pressure to quit, Dick Cheney is insisting on remaining Vice President.  That's because without free government health care, even he couldn't afford all his heart medications.

Whoopi Whupped
Slimfast has dropped Whoopi Goldberg as its spokesperson after she made several obscene jokes about Republicans at a Kerry fundraiser.  Of course, since Slimfast is a product that promises big results without really working hard, the company should have hired President Bush for that job in the first place.

Identity Theft Bill
President Bush will sign a bill banning identity theft later today.  But experts aren't sure how effective the new law will be considering it's being backed by a man who's been impersonating a leader for the last 3 1/2 years.

Top Things Conservative Republicans are Boycotting Besides Heinz Ketchup

• Keri skin lotion
• Left turn signals
• Head and Shoulders Shampoo (directions say to use a 'liberal" amount)
• Bush and garden trimmers
• The Bill of Rights

Marines Redeployed
The 2,000 marines sent to Afghanistan to secure successful elections there are now leaving that country.  That's because the Bush Administration now needs them to secure successful elections in Florida.

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