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Campaign 2000 Quotes
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"They misunderestimated me." —George W. Bush, on Nov. 6

"We've got drunk and drunker running here. I say we vote for Bush and Cheney just to get them off the damn highway." —Jay Leno, on revelations that Bush and Cheney have three DUIs between the two of them

"In the latest poll, Bush is up .10." —Joke circulated following revelations of Bush's 1976 drunk driving arrest

"We're talking about a story about a guy pulled over for driving too slow with a little too many beers. This is pathetic. I miss the rapes. I miss the illegitimate child chase. I miss the intern and the quickies. Give me some real scandal. This is amateur chump stuff" —Net bottomfeeder Matt Drudge on Bush's DUI

"I will not plant subliminal messagores." —Bart Simpsons's chalkboard inscription on the Nov. 5 episode of The Simpsons

"They want the federal government controlling Social Security like it's some kind of federal program." —George W. Bush

"Jay, I think people buy that magazine for the articles." —Al Gore, responding to Tonight Show host Jay Leno when asked about rumors his Rolling Stone cover photo had to be touched up "because it was too sexy."

"You think if you get elected, Gore will try to take credit for it?" —Jay Leno to Bush

"That's scary, but this is more scary.'' —George W. Bush, putting on an Al Gore Halloween mask on the Tonight Show after Jay Leno donned a Bush mask

"Major-league A's" —the front side of mock baseball jerseys worn by members of Bush's traveling press corps as part of a Halloween prank. The words "Big Time'' were emblazoned on the back.

"First of all, he doesn't know much; second of all, he's lazy; and third, he avoids conflict. Those are all assets." —Ralph Nader on Bush

"Please accept my apology for interrupting your meal. Since this is a special occasion, I wanted to mark it by getting all of my interruptions out of the way before Gov. Bush speaks.'' —Al Gore, at the annual Al Smith Memorial Foundation Dinner

"I did think it was effective when I weaved in stories of real people in the audience and their everyday challenges. Like the woman here tonight whose husband is about to lose his job. She's struggling to get out of public housing and get a job of her own. Hillary Clinton, I want to fight for you.'' —Al Gore, at the Al Smith Dinner

"My plan to put Social Security in an ironclad lockbox has gotten a lot of attention recently, and I'm glad about that. But I'm afraid that it's overshadowing some vitally important proposals. For instance, I'll put Medicaid in a walk-in closet. I'll put the Community Reinvestment Act in a secured gym locker. I'll put NASA funding in a hermetically sealed Ziploc bag." —Al Gore, at the Al Smith Dinner

"This is an impressive crowd. The haves and the have-mores. Some people call you the elite. I call you my base" —George W. Bush, at the Al Smith Dinner

"We have a lot in common. Bill wrote a book at Yale. I read one.'' —George W. Bush, noting that fellow Yale graduate William F. Buckley was in the audience at the Al Smith Dinner

"Bush and Gore make me wanna RALPH" —Nader campaign T-shirt

"That's a chapter, the last chapter of the 20th, 20th, the 21st century that most of us would rather forget. The last chapter of the 20th century. This is the first chapter of the 21st century." —George W. Bush, reflecting on the Lewinsky scandal

"[The Holocaust] was an obscene period in our nation's history...this century's history....We all lived in this century. I didn't live in this century." —Dan Quayle

"America had its third and final chance to watch the two major presidential candidates discuss the issues in a town hall format debate which, from the GOP perspective, looked less like debates one and two and more like the heartbreaking scene at the end of Flowers for Algernon when Charley, the moron-turned-genius, began visibly turning back into a moron." —Daily Show host Jon Stewart

"It's so exciting that even people who just moved here and are now running for the Senate can enjoy it." —New York Mayor Rudolph Giuliani, on the Late Show with David Letterman, reading from a list of the "Top Ten Great Things About Having the World Series in New York"

"Give Oval Office one heck of a scrubbing." —the #2 item on the "Top 10 Changes George W. Bush Will Make in the White House," read by Bush on the Late Show with David Letterman

"Remember America, I gave you the Internet and I can take it away." —the #9 item on the "Top 10 Rejected Gore-Lieberman Campaign Slogans," read by Al Gore on the Late Show with David Letterman

"How do you look so youthful and rested?" —Late Show host David Letterman
"Fake it." —George W. Bush
"And that's pretty much how you're going to run the country?" —Letterman

"Jim I'd like to interrupt here and answer that question as if it were my turn to speak." —Darrell Hammond, impersonating Al Gore in Saturday Night Live's parody of the first presidential debate

"Jim, can I make two closings statements?" Darrell Hammond, impersonating Al Gore in the same skit

"On the networks, you could find the flatlining show you didn't want to watch, the tantric debate between the Insufferable and the Insufficient." —New York Times Columnist Maureen Dowd, on the first debate between Al Gore and George W. Bush

"I put all my sighs in a lockbox" —Al Gore, on the difference in tone between the first and second presidential debates

"I thought he was gonna hit George." —Barbara Bush, on Gore encroaching on Bush's space during the final presidential debate

"He thought Al was gonna kiss him." —Late Show host David Letterman, commenting on Bush's reaction to Gore's encroachment

"I'm pleased to see, Dick, from the newspapers that you're better off than you were eight years ago, too." —Democratic vice presidential candidate Joe Lieberman
"I can tell you, Joe, the government had absolutely nothing to do with it." —Republican vice presidential candidate Dick Cheney
"I can see my wife, and I think she's thinking, 'Gee, I wish he would go out into the private sector.' " —Lieberman
"Well, I'm going to try to help you do that, Joe." —Cheney
—An exchange during the 2000 vice presidential debate

"A wisecracking Jew and a pathetic bald guy? Nice try, but I liked it better when they called it Seinfeld." —Politically Incorrect host Bill Maher, on the vice presidential debate

"GOP accused of using subliminal advertising; George W. Bush says, ‘Why would we advertise underwater?’" —Daily Show host Jon Stewart

"The idea of putting subliminable messages into ads is ridiculous." —George W. Bush

"Yes, he said 'subliminable,' but he was probably distracted thinking about executing some criminables." —Daily Show host Jon Stewart, riffing on George W. Bush's repeated mispronunciations of subliminal

"He's stiffer than Jesse Helms on a gay pride parade float." —Comedian Will Durst, on Al Gore

"Bush is like a stripper with hairy legs. He's got some pretty smooth moves, but even from way back in the bar, you can tell that something is horribly awry." —Comedian Will Durst

"He's so confident, he's started raising cash legally." —Late Show host David Letterman, on Al Gore

"You hear about this? Earlier today computer hackers actually shut down Al Gore for two hours." —Tonight Show host Jay Leno

"There's Adam Clymer, major league asshole from The New York Times." —George W. Bush, in an aside to running mate Dick Cheney, caught on mike during a campaign rally in which Bush addressed the need to bring a new tone of civility to politics. Cheney replied, "Oh yeah, he is, big time.''

"Hey, you know what. I gotta go on the Letterman show. That show is so lame." —Al Gore
"Oh, yeah. Big time." —Joe Lieberman
—A mock aside Gore made to Lieberman during a campaign rally "caught" on videotape and aired during Gore's appearance on the Late Show with David Letterman.

"At least I didn’t trade Sammy Sosa," —New York Times reporter Adam Clymer, on the smart-aleck answer he thought of giving in response to George W. Bush’s vulgarity, referring to Bush’s own major-league experience as owner of the Texas Rangers.

"In lieu of flowers, vote Bush." —Last line of private citizen James E. Fete Sr.'s obituary in the Canton (Ohio) Repository

"George W. Bush says as little as possible, positive or negative, since every time he ventures down from Mount Platittude, his QQ (Quayle Quotient) goes up another click." —James Pinkerton, conservative columnist and former senior aide to President Bush

"Actually, he had met at shalom." —Daily Show host Jon Stewart on Lieberman's speech to the Democratic convention

"Joe Lieberman would be the first Jewish person to serve directly under a president since — well, since Monica." —Late Show host David Letterman

"Lieberman has taken so many new positions it's hard to tell if he's running for national office or posing for the Kama Sutra." —Washington Post columnist Tony Kornheiser

"Republicans are calling the Bush-Cheney ticket the 'Wizard of Oz' ticket. One needs a heart and the other needs a brain." —Tonight Show host Jay Leno

"Vice President Gore has announced that he will make campaign finance reform the cornerstone of his campaign. And he also announced that for $10,000 you can have your name inscribed on that cornerstone." —Tonight Show host Jay Leno

"Al Gore is now neck and neck, not with Bush but with Tipper!" —Tonight Show host Jay Leno, on Gore's famed convention lip-lock.

"Al, how long have you been on the road?" —Late Show host David Letterman, when Gore told him the prolonged kiss he gave Tipper at the Democratic National Convention was "just a little peck.''

"It has to be galling to Clinton that Americans don't seem inclined to reward his vice president for the purring economy. And he is surely fed up with the Republicans acting as if his two terms were merely Bushus Interruptus." —New York Times columnist Maureen Dowd

"It means when it comes time to sew up your chest cavity, we use stitches as opposed to opening it up." —George W. Bush, asked by David Letterman to explain what it means when he says he's a "a uniter, not a divider. The reference to Letterman's recent heart surgery drew boos from the audience.

George W. Bush "has been invoking a lot of Bible imagery. He said Jesus also had 20 missing years and never held a job he couldn't get through his dad.'' —Tonight Show host Jay Leno

"Bush has a new campaign slogan. It's 'Reformer with Results' Which I think is a big improvement on the old one: 'A Dumb Guy with Connections.'" —Late Show host David Letterman

"(Steve) Forbes said he doesn't know yet whether he will run again for president or just fly his Lear jet over a forest fire and toss $60 million out the window." —Late Late Show host Craig Kilborn

"I tell you, that Michael Jackson is unbelievable, isn't he? He's just unbelievable." —Al Gore, watching Chicago Bulls star Michael Jordan

"This Internet thing you invented is neat." —George W. Bush, responding to a campaign challenge issued in an e-mail from Al Gore

"This is Preservation Month. I appreciate preservation. It's what you do when you run for president. You gotta preserve." —George W. Bush, speaking during "Perseverance Month" at Fairgrounds Elementary School in Nashua, New Hampshire

"It was just inebriating what Midland was all about then." —George W. Bush, in a 1994 interview about the town he group up in

"The fact that he relies on facts — says things that are not factual — are going to undermine his campaign."—George W. Bush on Al Gore

"The senator has got to understand if he's going to have — he can't have it both ways. He can't take the high horse and then claim the low road." —George W. Bush, on Sen. John McCain

"The woman who knew that I had dyslexia — I never interviewed her."—George W. Bush, responding to a magazine article claiming he suffered from dyslexia

"When you watch the guy [George W. Bush] giving a speech, you get the sense he ain't getting' past the second round of Who Wants to Be a Millionaire. The feeling that if he went to a mind reader, they'd only charge half price. That if a thought wanted to cross his mind it'd need a canteen. You understand why, when he was in the oil business, folks said, 'If air ever goes to $40 a barrel, I want the drilling rights to W.'s head." —Paul Begala, from Is Our Children Learning: The Case Against George W. Bush

"If Al Gore invented the Internet, I invented spell check." —Dan Quayle

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