| Gary Condit & Chandra Levy Scandal |
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"Gary Condit lost his bid for re-election. Know what this means? He may actually have to go back to having sex with his own wife...The good news for Gary Condit is, he won't have to pack up a lot of things from his office, because he threw away most of that stuff 6 months ago...Condit didn't say much. He said, 'I've been in public service for 30 years. I live and die by the sword.' Too bad he couldn't keep his sword in his pants." —Jay Leno
"Tomorrow is Election Day here in California and Gary Condit — the one who took his own lie detector test — just announced that he has tallied the votes. He won." —Jay Leno
"Earlier this evening, Larry King interviewed Gary Condit. ... Larry King is missing" —David Letterman
"Since Lay didn't show up for the hearing on Monday, Congressman Gary Condit says he may quit now. Condit said today on the news, 'Look, the day I can't get a lay in Congress, I'm outta here.'" —Jay Leno
"Gary Condit is on the Congressional committee for Homeland Security. They make the guy responsible for Homeland Security who is the guy no one would feel secure going home with." —Jay Leno
"These new (airport security) measures are pretty tough. Michigan congressman John Dingell, he was forced to strip down to his underwear. ... When I heard there was a congressman in the airport in his underpants, I assumed it was Gary Condit campaigning for re-election." —Jay Leno
"Gary Condit announced he is running for reelection. I think the Taliban have a better chance of winning than this guy. He said he made the decision after polling his staff. Polling his staff? Isn't that what got him in trouble in the first place? His campaign slogan is all wrong: 'Look At The Job I Did, Not The Job I Got." —Jay Leno
"Congressman Gary Condit has been named to the House subcommittee on Terrorism and Security. In fact this week he gave himself a background check — passed with flying colors." —Jay Leno
"Who has been appointed as one of the key people in the Congressional committee on homeland security? Gary Condit. That makes sense. The CIA says if we are going to investigate the scum of the earth, we are going to need lowlifes and degenerates to go in for us." —Jay Leno
"In an interview, Gary Condit's father says that the Devil is to blame for his son's problems. Immediately afterward, Satan denied all responsibility and called Condit a slimeball." —Conan O'Brien
"Out in Modesto they are redistricting Condit's district to make it
impossible for him to win re-election. Well, other than that, he was a
shoe-in." —David
Letterman
"Experts say Condit's political base is disappearing. He must be dating
them." —David
Letterman
"Are you still following the Condit saga? This guy is desperate. He's so desperate he tried to buy a pardon from Roger Clinton." —David Letterman
"The interview got so many viewers for ABC that they are now going to have Connie Chung interview a lying, cheating congressman every week!" —Jay Leno
"In the interview Condit came off as shifty, weasely ... if this guy confessed everyone would think he was lying!" —David Letterman
"After seeing Condit last night, we now realize how great a liar Clinton was." —Jay Leno
"Yesterday was a typical day for Condit. He spent 30 minutes with a woman he's never met, he told some lies, and then he went home to his wife." —Jay Leno
"As you watch the Gary Condit interview, three words come to mind: stiff, unbending and impenetrable. And that's just his hair." —David Letterman
"But Condit's goal tonight — his goal, his reason for doing the interview — he wants to clear his good name so he can start dating again." —David Letterman
"He does not admit to having an affair with Chandra Levy, did not have an affair with her. Well, he didn't say he didn't, he just didn't say anything. In fact, even before the interview, Gary Condit requested a special padded chair. Because he wanted to be comfortable, because he knew he'd be lying his ass off." —Jay Leno
"Did you all get your letter from Gary Condit? I got mine. See, I knew it was his letter before I opened it, just from the cologne... Those of you that live in his district, you may have gotten this. This is the actual letter he sent out. (From Publisher's Clearinghouse: 'YOU MAY ALREADY BE MY MISTRESS!')" —Jay Leno
"I am looking forward to the interview. It has been a long time since we saw a philandering politician hold his wife's hand on television." —David Letterman
"Tomorrow night is the big night. Gary Condit will appear on ABC's 'Primetime Slime' tomorrow night. Connie Chung will interview the congressman but she only has him for one 30-minute interview. As the police have shown us, it takes at least three interviews before Condit even thinks of telling the truth." —Jay Leno
"Gary Condit will be interviewed by Connie Chung on ABC's 'Prime Time Thursday.' His people said today that he was considering giving the interview to Ed Bradley, or Stone Phillips, but he decided that if he is going to lie to someone he is more conformable doing it with a woman." —Jay Leno
"Connie Chung will be interviewing Condit later this week. Here are the rules: He wants to wear a ski mask, he will be wearing dark glasses and he will only answer to the name 'Kurt.'" —David Letterman
"Connie is going to be alone with him 30 minutes. Alone 30 minutes with Gary Condit. Sounds like a bad episode of 'Fear Factor.'" —Jay Leno
"GARY CONDIT! Come out with your pants up!" —a protester yelling into a megaphone outside Congressman Gary Condit's Modesto office
"Here is my favorite little tidbit about Gary Condit. He would go to hairdressers but he would call up and he would make the appointment under Greg. 'It's not Congressman Condit, it's Greg and I'm coming in to have my tips streaked' or whatever the hell he does. So to get his hair worked on he would use an alias. Have you seen his hair? His hairdresser should use an alias." —David Letterman
"The lead story on MSNBC was the news that there was nothing new to report in the Gary Condit story. So remember when there is nothing new to report, MSNBC will be the station not to report it first." —Jay Leno
"An angry, very angry California Senator Dianne Feinstein lashed out at Gary Condit yesterday. She announced that Gary Condit's career is finished and she will never, ever forgive him! It sounds like Gary forgot to call someone the morning after." —Jay Leno
"For a man who seemingly spends so little time with his pants on, Congressman Gary Condit has a remarkably well-developed instinct for covering his ass." —Hotline columnist Susan Semeleer
"Let's see what's going on with Gary Condit. The FBI has said that he wore disguises wherever he went. Even when he went to get a haircut, he put on a disguise. In fact, he was such a stickler about his identity, he even once bought a fake ID from the Bush daughters." —Jay Leno
"The tabloids are now claiming the police focus may be on Mrs. Condit. The problem is her alibi is pretty weak. She claims she was with Gary that night. Who's going to believe that?" —Jay Leno
"Washington, D.C., police have said Condit is no longer the focus of the investigation. When Condit heard that he said to himself, 'Well hey, maybe I didn't do it.'" —David Letterman
"It looks like Condit is being abandoned by the Democratic Party. It looks like they want to walk away from this guy. Imagine that. You are being abandoned by the party who stood behind the Kennedys, Gary Hart, Dan Rostenkowski, Jesse Jackson and Bill Clinton! This is like getting kicked out of Sodom and Gomorrah." —Jay Leno
"Here is your government at work. A congressman from Colorado said he wants to draft a rule that would make it unethical to have a sexual relationship with an intern. Only Congress would need a rule to tell them cheating on their wives is not ethical. Don't we have that rule? I believe it's called the Sixth Commandment." —Jay Leno
"I think all the media scrutiny is starting to get to this Gary 'slimy' Condit guy. The other day he and a photographer got into some kind of a shoving incident. I guess they ran into each other, and Condit angrily pushed him. In fact, at one point Condit was so mad he almost stopped smiling." —Jay Leno
"According to a poll taken in his district, most of Gary Condit's constituents don't want him to resign. Well, of course not, if he resigns he might come back and live in their district." —Jay Leno
"We laugh about this, but all of you interns in Washington, remember if you have sex with a Congressman, you are not only having sex with that Congressman, you are also having sex with everyone Congress has screwed in the last eight years." —Jay Leno
"Everybody is saying Condit knows more than he is saying. That's the great thing about President Bush. With George W. Bush, you never have to worry about that." —David Letterman
"Newsweek reported that the reason that a lot of Congressman aren't speaking out against Gary Condit is that as many as 87 Congressman are currently cheating on their wives. Isn't that unbelievable? Newsweek wants us to believe that there are 348 Congressman that are faithful? Shut up!" —Jay Leno
"Newsweek reported that 87 Congressman are currently having affairs. In fact, that is why they have roll call ever morning, to see who is back from the motel. Last call Kennedy! I know these guys like to poll their constituents but this is ridiculous." —Jay Leno
"According to the latest poll in Northern California, 60 percent of voters say they will not vote for Gary Condit in the next election. Apparently the other 40 percent are dating Gary Condit." —Conan O'Brien
"Here's what we know about Gary Condit: Apparently he is a womanizer and he has a fugitive brother. This guy could be president!" —David Letterman
"It was so hot today, down in D.C. the only breeze was from the D.C. cops blowing the Condit investigation. It was so hot Gary Condit was carrying his jacket AND his pants." —David Letterman
"Newsweek also reported that Gary Condit was meeting with Dick Cheney on the day of Chandra Levy's disappearance. Talk about bad luck. This guy's only alibi is a guy with laryngitis and a bad heart." —Jay Leno
"You know what is interesting, Condit is very conservative. He voted to post the ten commandments in schools. Yet, he himself broke the 11th commandment, 'Thou shall not put thy rod in thy staff.'" —Jay Leno
"As you know Gary Condit is in big, big trouble. Every day more and more comes out about his sexual escapades. Of course in the middle of all of this he is mulling over whether to run for re-election. He has started to put together some campaign slogans. These are actual Gary Condit slogans: 'Pumping More Than Money Into the Local Economy', 'If His Office is A'Rocking, Come On In', 'Believes in A System of Chicks and Balances,' 'Close That Curtain and Pull Down on My Lever, Baby,' 'Return Condit to Orifice,' 'Give Him Liberty or Give Him Beth,' and finally 'He Only Looks Gay'" —Jay Leno
"Miss America officials say they're going to incorporate elements of reality TV into their next pageant. I guess they want it to be part Survivor, part Fear Factor, because they've just hired Gary Condit to chaperone." —The Long Point's Jay Jaroch
"Are you following this Gary Condit saga? This guy is a piece of work isn't he? Over the weekend he gives himself a lie-detector test, then he announces that he was telling the truth. Today he put himself on trial and found himself not guilty." —David Letterman
"Economists predict that this year's federal surplus will be $120 billion less than predicted in January. The missing $120 billion was reportedly last seen on a date with Congressman Gary Condit." —Dennis Miller
"I used to think he was completely innocent but now I don't know. His behavior has been very strange. Even though Gary Condit has given many details to the police on the last morning he and Chandra Levy had together, he said he can't remember if they had sex. Shut up! What 53-year-old man sleeps with a 24- year-old and can't remember if they had sex? Most 53-year-old men I know remember the 24-year-old they saw in the fast lane going the opposite direction." —Jay Leno
"Republican Minority Leader Trent Lott has said Condit should step down if he had an improper relationship with the intern. Bill Clinton said, 'Step Down? This guy should run for president!'" —Jay Leno
"Condit also agreed to give a DNA sample to the police, which comes as no surprise because he has been willing to give his DNA sample to everyone else in Washington." —Dennis Miller
"Yesterday Gary Condit spent the whole day attending an agricultural meeting. Boy, that's when you know a congressman's in real trouble: when he spends the whole day actually working." —Jay Leno
"I have to give it to Condit, he is cooperating with police. Like today getting rid of any possible evidence, he handed it over to the FBI and he is just going to let them misplace it." —Jay Leno
"I love all the self-righteous people in this. Anne Marie Smith, the flight attendant that claimed she had an affair with Condit, said Condit asked her to sign an affidavit that they never had an affair but she refused to sign it based on principle. What principle is that? I'm an adulterer, not a liar, ladies and gentlemen!" —Jay Leno
"That must be strange, cheating on your wife with a flight attendant. They're in bed and she's says, 'In the event that wife should come home early please notice the location of the nearest emergency exit.'" —Jay Leno
"Condit finally admitted during his third interview with police that 'yes, I had an affair with Chandra Levy.' Typical Congressman, you have to have to ask him three time to get a straight answer. This guy makes Clinton look like a good liar." —Jay Leno
"Have you folks been following the Gary Condit saga? A couple of days ago police found bloodstains in his carpet. And you know what that means: In about a year he'll be in Miami playing golf." —David Letterman
"I can envision the next reality TV show: Several nubile interns must live in a group house with Bill Clinton and Gary Condit." —Cybersatirist Bob Hirschfeld
"You guys know about that Gary Condit saga? The good news is he is cooperating with authorities. Earlier today he allowed police to search his hair." —David Letterman
"The 4th of July combines the two things Americans love most in one day: alcohol and explosives. ... Everyone will be barbecuing. For example, down in D.C., police will be grilling Gary Condit for the third time." —David Letterman
"(Rep. Gary Condit) hasn't been very forthcoming with the FBI about his involvement with his missing intern. Now it's been revealed that when Clinton was in trouble in '98 he wrote a letter to Newt Gingrich demanding that Bill Clinton come forward with full disclosure of what he had done. ... Only in Washington would a man alleged to have had an affair with an intern, condemn a man who had an affair with an intern, by writing a letter to a man who had an affair with a staffer. God Bless Washington." —Jay Leno
"I've been a dumbass all my life." —Dan Rather, mocking critics of CBS's minimal coverage of missing intern Chandra Levy
"It's just one big merry-go-round." —Hustler publisher Larry Flynt, on the frequency of affairs between congressmen and interns
More Late-Night Political Jokes
