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Bush/Gore Presidential Debate Transcript
Advance copy of tonight's presidential debate
(as of Tuesday afternoon):
Jim Lehrer: Welcome to the second
presidential debate between Vice President Al Gore and Gov. George W. Bush. The
candidates have agreed on these rules: I will ask a question. The candidate will
ignore the question and deliver rehearsed remarks designed to appeal to
undecided women voters. The opponent will then have one minute to respond by
trying to frighten senior citizens into voting for him. When a speaker's time
has expired, I will whimper softly while he continues to spew incomprehensible
statistics for three more minutes.
Let's start with the vice president. Mr. Gore,
can you give us the name of a downtrodden citizen and then tell us his or her
story in a way that strains the bounds of common sense?
Gore: As I was saying to Tipper last
night after we tenderly made love the way we have so often during the 30 years
of our rock-solid marriage, the downtrodden have a clear choice in this
election. My opponent wants to cut taxes for the richest 1 percent of Americans.
I, on the other hand, want to put the richest 1 percent in an ironclad lockbox
so they can't hurt old people like Roberta Frampinhamper, who is here tonight.
Mrs. Frampinhamper has been selling her internal organs, one by one, to pay for
gas so that she can travel to these debates and personify problems for me. Also,
her poodle has arthritis.
Lehrer: Gov. Bush, your rebuttal.
Bush: Governors are on the front lines
every day, hugging people, crying with them, relieving suffering anywhere a
photo opportunity exists. I want to empower those crying people to make their
own decisions, unlike my opponent, whose mother is not Barbara Bush.
Lehrer: Let's turn to foreign affairs.
Gov. Bush, if Slobodan Milosevic were to launch a bid to return to power in
Yugoslavia, would you be able to pronounce his name?
Bush: The current administration had
eight years to deal with that guy and didn't get it done. If I'm elected, the
first thing I would do about that guy is have Dick Cheney confer with our
allies. And then Dick would present me several options for dealing with that
guy. And then Dick would tell me which one to choose.
You know, as governor of Texas, I have to make
tough foreign-policy decisions every day about how we're going to deal with New
Mexico.
Lehrer: Mr. Gore, your rebuttal.
Gore: Foreign policy is something I've
always been keenly interested in. I served my country in Vietnam. I had an uncle
who was a victim of poison gas in World War I. I myself lost a leg in the
Franco-Prussian War. And when that war was over, I came home and tenderly made
love to Tipper in a way that any undecided woman voter would find romantic. If
I'm entrusted with the office of president, I pledge to deal knowledgeably with
any threat, foreign or domestic, by putting it in an ironclad lockbox. Because
the American people deserve a president who can comfort them with simple
metaphors.
Lehrer: Vice President Gore, how would
you reform the Social Security system?
Gore: It's a vital issue, Jim. That's
why Joe Lieberman and I have proposed changing the laws of mathematics to allow
us to give $50,000 to every senior citizen without having it cost the federal
treasury a single penny until the year 2250. In addition, my budget commits $60
trillion over the next 10 years to guarantee that all senior citizens can have
drugs delivered free to their homes every Monday by a federal employee who will
also help them with the child-proof cap.
Lehrer: Gov. Bush?
Bush: That's fuzzy math. I know, because
as governor of Texas, I have to do math every day. I have to add up the numbers
and decide whether I'm going to fill potholes out on Rt. 36 east of Abilene or
commit funds to re-roof the sheep barn at the Texas state fairgrounds.
Lehrer: It's time for closing
statements.
Gore: I'm my own man. I may not be the
most exciting politician, but I will fight for the working families of America,
in addition to turning the White House into a lusty pit of marital love for
Tipper and me.
Bush: It's time to put aside the
partisanship of the past by electing no one but Republicans.
Lehrer: Good night.
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