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Election 2004 Jokes
Late-Night Jokes About the 2004 Presidential Candidates
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Read the latest jokes about George W. Bush, John Kerry, Dick Cheney, John Edwards, and Ralph Nader

Compiled by Daniel Kurtzman

"During last night's debate, John Kerry and John Edwards were so friendly to each other some political experts think that they may end up running together. In fact Kerry and Edwards were so friendly, President Bush accused them of planning a gay marriage." —Conan O'Brien

"Ralph Nader announced he's running for president after a new poll found he'd get .5% of the vote. Nader's slogan: 'Eat my dust Kucinich.'" —Craig Kilborn

"A big weekend for the candidates. President Bush highlighted his foreign policy, and then John Kerry emphasized his war record, and then Ralph Nader bragged about an article he wrote on toasters that explode." —Craig Kilborn

"As of midnight Thursday night, John Kerry began receiving Secret Service protection, a three-car detail of special agents, and a bullet proof limousine pulled up in front of his house and stayed there all night. See, that's what you get when you're the frontrunner. Dennis Kucinich got a whistle and a can of mace." —Jay Leno

"John Edwards is a seasoned trial lawyer. You think a lawyer would make a good president? You know I look at it this way, if we're going to consistently have liars in the White House, why not get a professional?" —Jay Leno

"Howard Dean ended his campaign for president this week, but so far he has refused to endorse another candidate. As a result Dean received thank you notes from both John Kerry and John Edwards." —Conan O'Brien

"Today was the Wisconsin primary ... But they say it looks like Howard Dean is doing worse than expected. Worse than expected? That must be pretty bad since he was expected to drop out of the race. What now, is he being deported?" —Jay Leno

"John Edwards said earlier today that after Wisconsin's primary, he will have achieved the goal of a two-man race. The bad news for Edwards is that the two men are John Kerry and George Bush." —Jay Leno

"An Internet rumor claims that John Kerry had an affair with a young woman. When asked if this was similar to the Clinton-Lewinsky scandal, a spokesman said 'Close, but no cigar.'" —Jimmy Fallon, Saturday Night Live's "Weekend Update"

"Presidential campaign getting kind of ugly, did you hear about this? Yesterday, a 27-year-old woman came for to deny rumors that she had an affair with Democratic front-runner John Kerry. The woman added, 'I would never cheat on Bill Clinton.'" —Conan O'Brien

"As John Kerry sails toward the Democratic nomination, new questions are emerging about President Bush's service in the National Guard, like where he was for six months in 1972 and why he refused to take a routine physical. President Bush has vowed to get to the bottom of this right after Election Day." —Craig Kilborn

"Democratic strategists feel John Kerry's war record means he can beat Bush. They say when it comes down to it voters will always vote for a war hero over someone who tried to get out of the war. I'll be sure to mention that to Bob Dole when I see him." —Jay Leno

"Insiders say Edwards is making adjustments in his presidential aspirations, having lost primaries in two Southern states. Edwards now spends hours a day watching video tape of Dan Quayle and Al Gore, practicing his golf swing and constantly complimenting Senator Kerry on his choice of neckties." —Dennis Miller

"You can tell that the campaign has shifted into high gear because whenever President Bush refers to John Kerry, he calls him 'the senator from the gay wedding state'." —David Letterman

"They had a profile of John Kerry on the news and they said his first wife was worth around $300 million and his second wife, his current wife, is worth around $700 million. So when John Kerry says he's going after the wealthy in this country, he's not just talking. He's doing it!" —Jay Leno

"General Wesley Clark pulled out of the Democratic presidential race. He said he's going to go back to his old job, being a Republican." —Jay Leno

"Bush said the unemployment situation is turning around. Last week alone, 5,000 people started working for John Kerry." —Craig Kilborn

"Dennis Kucinich and Howard Dean remind me of Christina Aguilera's boobs: everyone's just waiting for them to drop out." —Craig Kilborn

"John Kerry has been endorsed by Dick Gephardt. Kerry's response, 'What did I do to you?'" —Craig Kilborn

"In a speech over the weekend, Al Gore brutally attacked President Bush and his policies. You see, if Al Gore really wants President Bush to lose in 2004, instead of attacking Bush, he should endorse him. Look what it did for the Dean campaign." —Jay Leno

"Embarrassing moment last week for Wesley Clark, his motorcade was pulled over by Oklahoma state troopers for speeding. He was speeding, apparently charged with going nowhere fast." —Jay Leno

"On 'Meet the Press' yesterday President Bush was asked what he would do if he lost the election and Bush said, 'You mean like last time?'" —Jay Leno

"It's nine months before the election and Bush's poll numbers have fallen to the exact level that his father's poll numbers were nine months before he lost to Bill Clinton. Today front runner John Kerry said he's not superstitious, but just to be on the safe side, he's going to start f---ing everything that moves." —Bill Maher

"It was a disappointing primary season for Lieberman, but on the plus side his campaign was long, quiet and depressing enough to qualify as a Jewish holiday." —Tina Fey, Saturday Night Live's "Weekend Update"

"In a new issue of Esquire magazine, they revealed that before he was married to Teresa Heinz, Senator John Kerry dated Morgan Fairchild, Michelle Phillips, Catherine Oxenberg and Dana Delany. Finally a Democratic presidential candidate with good taste in women." —Jay Leno

"John Kerry won 5 of the 7 contests — a number of political analysts say the nomination is Kerry's to lose and today Dean said 'I'll show you how to do it.'"  —Jay Leno

"One critic in the L.A. Times said John Kerry looks like he is thinking too much. Well this is one place President Bush has him beat." —Jay Leno

"This week, both John Kerry and Wesley Clark are making campaign appearance with the guys who saved their lives in Vietnam. Meanwhile, President Bush is campaigning with a guy that once took a math test for him." —Conan O'Brien

"Congratulations to Senator John Kerry — the big winner in yesterday’s primary. Won five out of seven. I just hope all these victories don't give Kerry a big head." —Jay Leno

"John Edwards won his home state of South Carolina. He said last night again there are really two Americas and he wants to create just one America. And the Republicans said that's fine with us as long as there is still a first class section." —Jay Leno

"Because of poor results at the primaries last night, Senator Joe Lieberman will be dropping out of the race. Earlier today, he broke the news to his supporter." —David Letterman

"This past weekend was tough on a lot of the candidates. John Edwards got caught trying to bring a pen knife through airport security. Wesley Clark's motorcade got stopped for speeding in Oklahoma. And Dennis Kucinich's campaign got cited for loitering." —Jay Leno

"Howard Dean got under 10 percent in South Carolina, Missouri and Oklahoma. So that Al Gore endorsement is really starting to kick in now." —Jay Leno

"John Kerry appears to be the front runner. Do you know the name of Kerry's bus? It's the Real Deal Express, that's the name of his campaign bus. Do you know the name of Dennis Kucinich's bus? Greyhound." —Jay Leno

"Wesley Clark is bringing an Army verteran on the campaign trail who saved his life in Vietnam. However, Clark's plan might backfire since the man is John Kerry." —Conan O'Brien

"We have to tape this show around 6 o'clock, 6:30, so we're not positive of the exact results but I really can confidently predict the following: Today, voters in seven states from North Dakota to New Mexico humored Joe Lieberman, ignored Dennis Kucinich, reminisced about Howard Dean, and admired Clark's hussle, but still found him too creepy." —Jon Stewart

"Today is Groundhog's Day. President Bush looked over at his shadow and saw John Kerry." —Jay Leno

"A number of plastic surgeons are claiming that looking at John Kerry now, as opposed to a few months ago, they believe he's had Botox shots. They claim a number of his worry lines have vanished. They haven't vanished, just Howard Dean is wearing them now." —Jay Leno

"John Kerry is finding out that it is no fun to be the front runner, that's when you get all the heat. He had to deny internet rumors this week that he had Botox treatments. The Republicans say Kerry should have a clear, unfurrowed brow the old fashioned way by not giving a sh--." —Bill Maher

"The campaign that's really in trouble apparently is Howard Dean. It was in the paper this week he blew 40 million so far with very little to show for it. Got rid of his campaign manager. Apparently the campaign manager was responsible with his slogan that has failed Dean so far: 'I will kill you.'" —Bill Maher

"Joe Lieberman placed fifth in the New Hampshire primary, claimed it was a three-way tie for third. Lost by 30 points, but is staying in. I think he's taking up history here. He wants a chance to prove that losing in 2000 was no fluke." —Bill Maher

"I feel great, I'm on the new Joe Lieberman diet. No matter what I do I just keep losing and losing and losing." —Jay Leno

"In his big victory speech last night, Senator Kerry said that he wanted to defeat George Bush and the 'economy of privilege.' Then he hugged his wife, Teresa, heir to the multi-million dollar Heinz food fortune." —Jay Leno

"Political experts are saying the reason John Kerry is doing so well is because he’s 'electable.' Hey, so was Al Gore — in fact, he even got elected and it didn't help him at all." —Jay Leno

"Now it's starting to get nasty because the latest is there's this rumor going around that Senator Kerry has had botox shots. Does anybody care? I think all people really care about is if Howard Dean has gotten all his temper shots." —Jay Leno

"Senator Kerry is lucky. He's got millions of dollars to spend to make his face look good. Poor Dennis Kucinich, he has to use a steam iron to get rid of the wrinkles on his face. " —Jay Leno

"God bless Dennis Kucinich. Even though he's doing terrible, he keeps running. In fact his slogan is 'Don't look back.' Of course he doesn't have to look back, there's nobody behind him." —Jay Leno

"Howard Dean is fighting back. He said about his campaign shakeup ... you'll see a leaner meaner organization. Meaner? How scarier is he going to be? Is he going to be biting people now?" —Jay Leno

"Howard Dean's campaign manager lost his job. You know how it happened? Right after Howard Dean ran over him with a car." —Craig Kilborn

"General Wesley Clark has spoken out both in favor and against the decision to go to war with Iraq. In fact this weekend in South Carolina, he’ll be debate himself." —Jay Leno

"Howard Dean announced today he will campaign in seven states. The states are Rage, Frenzy, Fury, Rath, Fever, Agitation, and Delirium. Yeeeeaaaah!" —Jay Leno

"The big winner last night in New Hampshire — Senator John Kerry. He won 39 percent of the vote, which is pretty good, and begs the question, why the long face?" —Jay Leno

"Real movement in the Kerry campaign now. His poll numbers are moving, donations are moving, endorsements are moving. The only thing not moving is his hair." —Jay Leno

"When did our elections become the Special Olympics? You're not all winners. Not everyone gets a hug. You guys got crushed." —Jon Stewart, on the exuberant losers of the New Hampshire primary

"Lieberman did well in the exit polls. Every poll said he should exit. ... He came in fifth. The man skipped Iowa and moved to New Hampshire. Even Seabiscuit is going, 'Lieberman give it up.'" —Jay Leno

"The rumor is Lieberman may be suspending his campaign. He said he's going to pool all his remaining resources and just play Lotto. The odds are better." —Jay Leno

"Kucinich got one percent of the vote. And the sad part is there's a three percent margin of error. That means Kucinich could actually owe votes." —Jay Leno

"A Newsweek poll said if the election were held today, John Kerry would beat Bush 49 percent to 46 percent. And today, President Bush called Newsweek magazine a threat to world peace." —Jay Leno

"Howard Dean is desperate to change the subject. Today he was up in a tree explaining that sleeping in the same bed with children is charming." —Bill Maher

"Howard Dean and his wife were interviewed by Diane Sawyer. I think the interview with pretty well, they only had to use the pepper spray on him twice." —David Letterman

"Candidate Joe Lieberman insists that he is not thinking about the polls, which is ironic because the polls show that nobody is thinking about him." —Jay Leno

"In New Hampshire, Dennis Kucinich went on a ten-stop bus tour and finally the bus driver said 'Look pal it's the end of the line, you gotta get off. You can't ride the bus all day.'" —Jay Leno

"John Edwards is an interesting character; doesn't he look like the guy from the TV commercials that finally asks his doctor if Viagra is good for him?" —Jay Leno

"Political experts say that during last night's Democratic presidential debate, nobody made any big mistakes. In a related story, nobody watched." —Conan O'Brien

"During the Democratic presidential debate Howard Dean started off by apologizing to the crowd for having a cold. Then John Kerry apologized for once having a cold while serving his country in Vietnam." —Conan O'Brien

"John Kerry’s victory over Howard Dean has completely changed the presidential race around. Now instead of the rich white guy from Yale who lives in the White house facing off against the rich white guy from Yale who lives in Vermont, he may have to face the rich white guy from Yale who lives in Massachusetts. It’s a whole different game." —Jay Leno

"The big surprise — John Edwards came in second. He was very eloquent; he said we have two America's — one for the rich and one for the poor. Today President Bush said, 'Why don't you become president of the crappy one.'" —Jay Leno

"Did you folks see President Bush's State of the Union Address? How about that surprise announcement? Howard Dean has been captured and he's in the hands of interrogators." —David Letterman

"God forbid I should be the last one to criticize, but I think may be Howard Dean has a bit of a problem because earlier today during a debate in New Hampshire, he bit off Joe Lieberman's ear." —David Letterman

"I don't want to scare anybody here but we just received word from police that Howard Dean is loose and may be armed with a microphone." —Craig Kilborn

"Howard Dean is narrowing the field of potential running mates. It's down to Mike Tyson or Bobby Knight." —Craig Kilborn

"Homeland Security Chief Tom Ridge raised security alert to a code red. Apparently Howard Dean has escaped. Did you see Dean's crazed speech the other night, yelling? I see why his wife won't campaign with him. In fact, Dean has a new slogan: 'Aaghhhh.'" —Jay Leno

"Did you see Dean's speech last night? Oh my God! Now I hear the cows in Iowa are afraid of getting mad Dean disease. I'm no pundit but it's always a bad sign when at the end of your speech, your aide is shooting you with a tranquilizer gun."  —Jay Leno

"Dean is a doctor but he acts more like a postal worker!" —Jay Leno

"Did you see Howard Dean ranting and raving? Here's a little tip Howard — cut back on the Red Bull." —David Letterman

"Howard Dean has been the front-runner and last night he finishes a distant third. Here's what happened: the people of Iowa realized they didn't want a president with the personality of a hockey dad." —David Letterman

"Howard Dean came in a disappointing third place. Afterwards Dean said 'Iowa is behind me and now I look forward to screaming at voters in New Hampshire.'" —Conan O'Brien

"Howard Dean finished in third — his lead lasted about as long as Britney Spears' marriage." —Craig Kilborn

"Senator Joe Lieberman — he skipped Iowa — he's now devoting all his energy to loosing in New Hampshire." —Jay Leno

"Yesterday in the Iowa caucuses, Dennis Kucinich got only one percent of the vote. Apparently Kucinich knew he was in trouble when he saw a sign that said, 'You must be this tall.'" —Conan O'Brien

"You've heard about the big race in Iowa, the Iowa caucuses. It's amazing. Right now, it's too close to tell who's going to get their ass kicked by Bush." —Craig Kilborn

"Take John Kerry — the man who fell off the radar — he may win this thing. Not bad for war hero turned senator. Or John Edwards — polling a surprising second -- quite a coup for the bastard son of a retarded mill worker. Let's not forget the screamer with braces on two legs, Dennis Kucinich. ... If he can overtake the one testicled half man/half monkey Howard Dean, he could then easily edge out Richard Gephardt — the pleasant freckled face congressman" —Daily Show correspondent Rob Corrdry

"The race for the Democratic nomination is getting tight. In Iowa, it is a four-way dead heat — Dean, Kerry, Edwards and Gephardt. It is so close, Fox News doesn't know who to smear." —Bill Maher

"Good news for Democratic hopeful Joe Lieberman. According to the polls, he just pulled ahead of mad cow disease." —Craig Kilborn

"According to the latest polls, the race in Iowa between John Kerry, Howard Dean and Dick Gephardt could end in a three-way tie. Political experts say there hasn't been a three way in politics since Bill Clinton." —Conan O'Brien

"Big news — Carol Moseley Braun dropped out of the Democratic presidential race after a poll revealed she was only 98 points ahead of Joe Lieberman." —Craig Kilborn

"Last night we had Carol Moseley Braun on the program. She's explaining to me why she should be the next president of the United States. I get home that night, check the Internet, and she dropped out of the race. ... My guess is this whole presidential run was a ruse to get on this program. Gore did the same thing." —Daily Show host Jon Stewart

"Al Sharpton said the Democratic Party has to stop treating blacks as their mistresses. Sharpton then explained a mistress is where they take you out to have fun, but they don't take you home. Was that really necessary to explain what a mistress is to Democrats?" —Jay Leno

"Senator Joe Lieberman said his campaign is now picking up momentum, which tends to happen when you're rolling downhill." —Jay Leno

"Presidential candidate Wesley Clark called for a new probe for the war in Iraq — he wants to know why he was initially in favor of it." —Jay Leno

"According to the New York Times, Dean's wife does not like the spotlight. If she wanted to stay out of the spotlight, she should have married Dennis Kucinich." —Jay Leno

"According to a new survey about the Democratic candidates for president, most of Howard Dean's support comes from urban voters, most of Wesley Clark's support comes from rural voters. The survey also reveals that all of Dennis Kucinich's support comes from his family." —Conan O'Brien

"How bout those freezing temps back east — -2 in New York, -6 in Philly, -8 in Boston — wait, I'm sorry, those are the poll numbers for John Kerry." —Craig Kilborn

"Madonna announced that she is backing Democratic presidential candidate Wesley Clark. This should give Clark a much needed boost in the Puerto Rican back-up dancer vote." —Tina Fey

"It's one thing to believe Bush's policies are leading his country toward a bleak future of massive debt, increased terrorism, and environmental catastrophe but does Dean  have to be so mad about it?  He just comes off as petty. I mean, if America liked angry presidents JFK would have beaten all those secretaries instead of nailing them." —Daily Show correspondent Stephen Colbert, on why he believes Dean is too angry to appeal to the general electorate

"Right now in Iowa, Democratic presidential candidate John Kerry is driving around in a big bus he's calling 'The Real Deal Express' — he says his campaign is going out to where people are working and he’s meeting people who normally wouldn’t go to a campaign rally. That’s not campaigning. Isn't that called 'bothering people'?" —Jay Leno

"John Kerry, Joe Lieberman and Dick Gephardt all agree that the capture of Saddam Hussein was a great thing. But now, they say we have to keep our eyes focused on the real enemy, Howard Dean." —Jay Leno

"Saddam Hussein interrogators said Saddam appears delusional, grandiose and thinks he still can be elected president. I'm sorry that's not Saddam, that's Howard Dean." —Craig Kilborn

"Ralph Nader says he is testing the water and hasn't decided on whether he'll run for president in 2004. Actually, he doesn't really need to run because I think the Democrats feel they can lose without him this time." —Jay Leno

"Howard Dean was endorsed by former Vice President Al Gore and now he is getting advice from Al Gore. And I'm thinking, who better to give advice than the guy who couldn't even get elected with the most votes?" —David Letterman

"Howard Dean was endorsed by Al Gore. Now, if Dean could get Gray Davis to campaign for him, that would put him over the top." —Jay Leno

"Of course, none of the other Democratic candidates saw this coming either. Here's my question. If these guys want to be commander in chief, shouldn't they have seen this one coming? Forget predicting what Osama bin laden is going to do, they can't even predict what Al Gore's gonna do." —Jay Leno

"Al Gore skipped over his buddy Joe Lieberman and decided to endorse Howard Dean for the presidency. This is a great fit because Dean is a doctor and Gore is a corpse."  —Jay Leno

"Today, Al Gore called Joe Lieberman on the phone and the call lasted just five minutes. No one was angry, they just both fell asleep." —Craig Kilborn

"General Wesley Clark commented on Gore endorsing Howard Dean. He said endorsements don't win elections. Hey, in this country, votes don't even win elections." —Jay Leno

"Al Gore has endorsed Howard Dean for president. That's pretty fitting, the guy that didn't beat Bush endorsing the guy who won't beat Bush." —David Letterman

"When Joe Lieberman found out about Al Gore endorsing Howard Dean he said 'Oh thank you Jesus!'" —David Letterman

"Former Vermont Governor Howard Dean was all smiles, well smirks, after picking up the endorsement of former Vice President Al Gore at a rally in Harlem ... Gore went on to praise Dean for taking a tough anti-war stance before the invasion of Iraq and he praised Dean supporters in hopes that will ease his concerns over lack of foreign policy experience, and his lack of support among blacks and Latinos, and his hot temperament, and perceived arrogance, and policy flip-flops, and campaign glitches. Well, there's a lot going on here." —Jon Stewart

"Earlier today, Howard Dean picked up the endorsement of Al Gore. But it's still a dead heat because Joe Lieberman picked up the endorsement of a coat rack." —Craig Kilborn

"How many of you saw the big presidential debate? You look at these guys and I can't believe President Bush has to raise $200 million dollars to beat these clowns." —David Letterman

"We've got us a Democratic general! That's like a gay black Republican — a rare beast." —Jon Stewart, on Wesley Clark  

"In an interview with Rolling Stone, Senator John Kerry, who is running for president, said that when he voted for the war in Iraq, he didn't expect President Bush to 'f--- it up as badly as he did.' Here's some breaking news, tomorrow former Vice President Al Gore expected to endorse Howard Dean as the Democratic nominee for president of the United States — and you thought John Kerry was using four letter words before! Actually, to John Kerry, Dean is a four letter word." —Jay Leno

"Presidential candidate Howard Dean is now being attacked for dodging the draft. I never knew this about the guy – but now I know this guy is presidential material." —David Letterman

"The New York Times is reporting that back in the '60s, presidential candidate Howard Dean used a letter from a doctor about a back condition to keep himself out of the draft in Vietnam and then spent 10 months skiing. Well it sounds like he's done the impossible. He actually made Bill Clinton and George Bush look like war heroes." —Jay Leno

"Presidential Democratic front-runner Howard Dean admitted to Chris Matthews on the 'Hardball' show that he got out of the draft because of a bad back. He has a curvature of the spine. Apparently it curved too far to the left." —Jay Leno

"Speaking of Democrats, Dennis Kucinich — the bachelor — he is actually looking for a wife out on the campaign trail because he's single. He said he is looking for a dynamic, outspoken woman who knows something about health care. And today President Clinton said 'Be careful for what you wish for.'" —Jay Leno

"Today's Washington Post says that of the nine Democratic presidential candidates, Wesley Clark has the most presidential hairstyle. Not only that but the Post said that Al Sharpton had the best hairstyle of a first lady." —Conan O'Brien

"Democratic presidential candidate Dennis Kucinich — he says he is now looking for a wife. When Bill Clinton heard this, he said, 'Hey take mine.'" —David Letterman

"Democratic front-runner Howard Dean being called a hero this week. It seems he was going to a campaign rally in Iowa and one of his campaign volunteers collapsed from a seizure and since he was a doctor he ran over and treated the guy until the ambulance came. He is not the only candidate that helped. Since he was a trial lawyer, John Edwards chased the ambulance all the way to the hospital." —Jay Leno

"Leading Democratic contender Howard Dean says he stopped drinking 22 years ago and hasn't touched a drop of alcohol since. On the other hand, Joe Lieberman took a look at his poll numbers and started drinking pretty heavily." —Jay Leno

"In the Rock The Vote presidential debates Tuesday night Democratic candidates Howard Dean, John Edwards and John Kerry admitted that they had smoked marijuana, while candidate Dennis Kucinich admitted that he was high right now." —Tina Fey, Saturday Night Live's "Weekend Update"

"In a recent interview, Howard Dean admitted that he used to drink and smoke pot. So, now all he needs to put him over the top is a sex scandal." —David Letterman

"In his new book, 'Winning Back America,' Dean talks about his wealthy prep school and how he used to get drunk. Let me get this straight —  he had rich parents, drank a lot, went to prep school and avoided Vietnam. He's the alternative to George Bush? I think he is George Bush." —Jay Leno

"Last night during a Democratic presidential debate, candidates John Kerry, John Edwards and Howard Dean all admitted they had smoked marijuana and Al Sharpton admitted that his barber smokes marijuana." —Conan O'Brien

"President Clinton is now denying that he is endorsing General Wesley Clark. Do you know the difference between General Clark and Clinton? The general knows how to control his privates." —Jay Leno

"[General Wesley Clark] participated in the debate with the Democrats. He was the new star. And he had to answer the question 'Why is he suddenly a Democrat?' He said he did not fit in with the Republicans because he is pro-choice, pro-affirmative action, and once when he was young and impressionable, he fought in a war." —Bill Maher

"The Democratic frontrunner now is former general Wesley Clark. Over the weekend he is at a fundraiser and he is explaining how he believes in time travel. Paging Al Gore, paging Al Gore." —David Letterman

"Today, Clark time-traveled to the Democratic convention and found out he wasn't nominated because of stupid time-traveling remarks." —David Letterman

"Wesley Clark is being coached by former President Clinton. I believe this is the first time a general is being advised by a pot-smoking draft dodger." —David Letterman

"According to a new Newsweek poll, after a few days after entering the race, General Wesley Clark is already the Democratic frontrunner, according to the polls if the race were held today Clark and Bush would be a virtual dead heat. In a related story Bush announced he is calling Clark out of retirement and sending him to Iraq." —Jay Leno

"Howard Dean is a politician, a medical doctor and a Democrat. So he has three reasons to tell women to take off their clothes now." —Jay Leno

"Democratic presidential candidate John Kerry came down pretty hard on fellow candidate Howard Dean this weekend. After Dean misspoke several times, Kerry said you can't misspeak 15 times in a week and be president. And Bush said, 'You can't'?" —Jay Leno

"There are reports now that retired Army General Wesley Clark may enter the presidential race... which could be a big problem for President Bush. I mean Clark is a Rhodes Scholar, first in his class at West Point, and he owns his own flight suit." —Jay Leno

"Last night, during the Democratic debates, candidate Dennis Kucinich said he would stop the death penalty, cut the defense budget and set up a Department of Peace. Kucinich made the remark in response to the question 'Why is it you have no chance of winning?'" —Conan O'Brien

"North Carolina Senator John Edwards said he will announce for president on September 16th, this is what I love about this election, if no one listens to you the first 40 times you announced it, just announce it again." —Jay Leno

"Many party insiders regard Clark as a dream candidate. Why? Well, after graduating at the top of his class at West Point, Clark was named Rhodes Scholar and served in Vietnam where he survived several injuries then rose to become Supreme Allied Commander of NATO during Kosovo. He also speaks four languages and has been faithfully married for 36 years. On the downside, he is a heroin addict." —Jon Stewart

"According to a new CBS poll, 66 percent of Americans cannot name a single Democratic candidate running for president. The other 34 percent are Democratic candidates running for president." —Jay Leno

"Presidential candidate Joe Lieberman took a shot at frontrunner Howard Dean. He said Howard Dean is a ticket to nowhere. So at least Lieberman will have someone to ride with now." —Jay Leno

"Democratic presidential candidate Howard Dean is on the cover of both Time and Newsweek, and presidential candidate John Edwards is on the side of a milk carton." —Jay Leno

"While opponents label (Howard) Dean a throwback liberal, The New York Times recently noted that as governor, Dean cut income taxes, reformed welfare and balanced Vermont's budget - all traditionally conservative policies. Dean also received an 'A' rating from the National Rifle Association, which I think you can't get unless you've killed a guy." —Jon Stewart

"Former vice presidential candidate Joe Lieberman said today that if the Democrats nominated Howard Dean, it would be a ticket to nowhere. Lieberman added, 'If there's one thing I know, it's about being on a ticket to nowhere.'" —Conan O'Brien

"It was reported this week that of all the Democratic Presidential candidates Congressman Dick Gephardt has raised the least money. As a result, Congressman Gephardt has announced his new campaign slogan will be 'I ain't got Dick.'" —Conan O'Brien

"Earlier today, Democratic presidential candidate Richard Gephardt referred to President Bush's foreign policy as 'machismo' and 'arrogant unilateralism.' Bush was furious and told Gephardt 'You wouldn't dare say that if I knew what it meant.'" —Conan O'Brien

"Former Vermont Governor Howard Dean's presidential campaign is handing out tongue depressors to volunteers with his name on them. Wasn't that Clinton's trick?" —Jay Leno

"The Boston Globe is reporting that Democratic presidential candidate John Kerry used to date actress Morgan Fairchild but it didn't work out. Apparently she couldn't handle dating someone with bigger hair then she had." —Jay Leno

"Democratic Presidential candidate Dick Gephardt fell short of his fundraising goal by $1 million. His goal was to try and raise $1 million." —Jay Leno

"The Democrats had their first presidential debate over the weekend. Nine guys showed up for the big debate. What a dreary group. Did you see these guys? President Bush took one look at them and said, 'I might win this one fair-and-square.'" —David Letterman

"The candidates are getting ready for the 2004 election. So far the frontrunners for the Democratic nomination are Dick Gephardt, Senator John Kerry, former Governor Howard Dean, and Senator Joe Lieberman, or as Bush calls them ace of spades, two of clubs, the king of diamonds." —Jay Leno

"Saturday night I watched the nine candidates during the Democratic presidential debate, and it was so boring that ABC picked it up as part of their fall schedule. Half way through the debate Al Sharpton ordered a pizza to his podium. You know who the winner was? Anyone with a remote in their hand." —Craig Kilborn

"So far there are nine or ten Democratic candidates, and it's a pretty dull group. Have you seen these guys? Actually, I think its good that it's a pretty dull group because there will be little chance that anyone will be getting laid in the Oval Office now." —David Letterman

"Richard Gephardt was appealing to the Democratic base by promising to bring sex back to the Oval Office." —David Letterman

"The Reverend Al Sharpton attacked President Bush, saying he ruined the economy. For instance, Sharpton hasn't been able to find a job in over 46 years." —Craig Kilborn

"Florida Senator Bob Graham announced that he is running for president despite the fact that he went through a double-bypass earlier this year. Political experts don't give Graham much chance because his campaign slogan is 'I'm a little healthier than Dick Cheney.'" —Conan O'Brien

"Do you know who Bob Graham is? Basically he's Dick Gephardt without the charisma. He's a white guy, named Graham, from the south, so I guess that would make him a 'graham cracker.'" —Jay Leno

"Dick Gephardt announced his candidacy for president. Gephardt now plans to look for a running mate or as he put it: 'The alcohol to my sleeping pills.'" —Conan O'Brien

"Gephardt said even though he and the other Democratic candidates have different views they all will give the same concession speech." —Craig Kilborn

"Are you ready for some exciting news? Dick Gephardt is running for president — all right, settle down. Gephardt ran once before for president in 1988, but he was no match for the irresistible charm and charisma of Michael Dukakis." —David Letterman

"John Kerry is recovering nicely after having prostate surgery. But the doctors did tell him it would be several months before he could be sexually active again. All the other Democratic candidates have been very supportive. Joe Lieberman called to wish him the best. The Rev. Al Sharpton called to offer prayers. Former President Bill Clinton called Mrs. Kerry and asked if she was lonely." —Jay Leno

"Joe Lieberman announced yesterday that he's running for president. He made the announcement at his old high school. Out of force of habit, the kids gave him a wedgie and broke his glasses." —Jay Leno

"On Monday, Senator Joe Lieberman will announce his campaign for the Democratic presidential nomination while speaking at his old high school. To recreate the feel of his old high school days, Senator Lieberman will make the announcement from inside a locker." —Jimmy Fallon, Saturday Night Live's "Weekend Update"

"Well folks it's started, the presidential race. Democratic Senator John Edwards of North Carolina, who is also a personal injury attorney, has announced he is running for president in 2004. Good slogan too, 'Elect me and there will be one less lawyer.'" —Jay Leno

"If Lieberman wins, he won't be the first Jewish-American to hold the presidency in his hands. That was Monica Lewinksy." —Jay Leno

"Tonight, Joe Lieberman will be joining us. You may remember him as the man who came this close to losing the vice presidency in 2000. But he won, so now he's not vice president." —Jon Stewart

"Senator Joe Lieberman has announced that he's going to run for president. The man is so dull, they're already talking about replacing him with Frank Lautenberg." —Jay Leno

"Did you hear about the controversy surrounding the Joe Lieberman campaign? Turns out years ago he may have experimented with charisma." —Craig Kilborn

"There was a big grease fire at Al Sharpton's office today. Apparently, his hair got too close to the space heater." —Jay Leno

"Gary Hart announced he's going to run for president again. Now if you don't Gary Hart, Gary Hart is the Democrat who cheated on his wife with a skinny girl." —Jay Leno

"Gary Hart now says he wants to run for president. Gary Hart was the guy handing out the beads in the very first 'Girls Gone Wild' video." —Jay Leno

"Here's a great story, incoming Senate Majority Leader Bill Frist, he's driving on vacation in Florida, saw an SUV that overturned on the highway, stopped, got out of the car, jumped over and helped the victims until the paramedics arrived. In fact, this is being called the closest thing Republicans have ever had for providing health care to people. He was not the only senator who stopped at the accident. John Edwards the trial lawyer stopped and chased the ambulance all the way to the hospital." —Jay Leno

"Tom Daschle announced he is considering running for president. I don't mean to say that Tom Daschle is boring, but his Secret Service name is Al Gore." —Jay Leno

"If you're keeping count, we now have seven Democrats running for president. Thank you CloneAid."  —David Letterman

~Compiled by Daniel Kurtzman

Related Links
Election 2004 Humor Central
John Kerry Jokes
George W. Bush Jokes
Howard Dean Jokes
John Edwards Jokes
Dennis Kucinich Jokes
Al Sharpton Jokes
Today's Late-Night Jokes
Late-Night Joke Archive

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