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Iraq's Weapons of Mass Destruction 
Late-Night Jokes About Intelligence Failures and the Search for Iraq's WMD
 
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Compiled by Daniel Kurtzman

"Oscar nominations came out. Up for best actor, Sean Penn for 'Mystic River,' Jude Law for 'Cold Mountain,' and of course, George W. Bush for 'Iraqi Weapons of Mass Destruction.'" —Jay Leno

"They are having a panel look into the intelligence failures in Iraq. It is a seven person panel and it will include Senator John McCain, but the findings from this panel will not be issued until after the election. President Bush says the commission can go off and report back in a year, you know, the same way it works in the Texas National Guard." —Bill Maher

"President Bush is now launching an investigation into pre-war intelligence over weapons of mass destruction. If we find out that we were wrong, do we have to put Saddam Hussein back in the hole?" —Jay Leno

"President Bush is in the hot seat over Iraqi pre-war intelligence. Remember the good ol' days when the only thing the president was trying to cover up was a stain?" —Craig Kilborn

"During testimony before the Senate Armed Services Committee former U.S. Chief Weapons Inspector David Kay defended President Bush for saying Iraq had weapons of mass destruction. Kay blamed the 'intelligence community.' And he doesn't want anybody confusing Bush with the intelligence community. I think we're okay there." —Jay Leno

"President Bush has appointed a commission to answer one big question about pre-war Iraq: How did our oil get under their sand?" —Craig Kilborn

"This Iraqi intelligence scandal is growing. Americans are asking, 'What did President Bush not know?' and 'When did he mispronounce it?'" —Craig Kilborn

"Bush admitted that his pre-war intelligence wasn't what it should have been. We knew that when we elected him!" —Jay Leno

"Condoleezza Rice was on every network morning show today blaming this whole mess on 'flawed intelligence.' Afterward the president took her into his office and said, 'You weren't talking about me were you?'" —Bill Maher, on the failure to find weapons of mass destruction in Iraq

"This week has been a tough week for President Bush. Yesterday ... David Kay testified before Congress on weapons of mass destruction. He said, 'We were almost all wrong.' You never hear a politician say that. We were almost all wrong. President Bush hasn't heard those words since he took his SATs." —Jay Leno

"In last year's State of The Union, Bush said there was no doubt that Iraq had weapons of mass destruction. Last night, Bush said they had 'weapons of mass destruction related program activities.' What’s he going to say next year — Iraq had weaponish thing-a-ma-jig whatcha-ma-callits." —Jay Leno

"They found several pairs of Saddam's boxer shorts in the hut and, by the way, that is the closest we have come to finding weapons of mass destruction." —David Letterman

"In Iraq, the terrorists are now firing missiles from donkey carts and working on plans for suicide donkeys. I guess these are the high-tech weapons President Bush was talking about." —Jay Leno

"As of yesterday, the Bush administration still hadn't found the source of the White House leak that outed a woman as a CIA operative. To recap, here are the things President Bush can't find: The source of the leak, weapons of mass destruction in Iraq, Saddam Hussein, Osama bin laden, the link between Saddam and Osama bin laden, the guy who sent the anthrax through the mail, and his butt with two hands and a flash light." —Tina Fey, Saturday Night Live's "Weekend Update"

"After six month's of looking, David Kay issued a report concluding that Iraq has no weapons of mass destruction. He will now spend the next six month's getting reamed by the IRS." —Craig Kilborn

"Former U.N. Chief Weapons Inspector Hans Blix said he believes that Iraq destroyed most of its weapons of mass destruction 10 years ago, but kept up the appearance that it had them to deter a military attack. Well, that strategy worked out well. Some good thinkin’ on that one." —Jay Leno

"U.S. intelligence sources now tell us they think Iraqi defectors were telling some pretty tall tales about weapons of mass destruction programs just to get money, visas and asylum. Just to give you an idea of how dangerous this was, for a couple of days there, some of the stuff they were making up got mixed with some of the stuff we were making up and Bush actually thought Iraq was attacking." —Bill Maher

"The United Nations has approved the removal of sanctions on Iraq. The lifting of the sanctions will let the Iraqis have a chance to have things they've never had before —  like medicine and weapons of mass destruction." —Conan O'Brien

"According to President Bush, 'Weapons of Mass Destruction' is just a figure of speech meaning 'A defenseless nation overflowing with crude oil' — that's all. This reminds me of a time in college when my buddy told me 'Hey man, you gotta come to this party. There'll be a ton of hot chicks there.' But when I got to the party there wasn't a hot chick in sight —  just a bunch of dudes and a keg of crappy beer. So me and my buddy named Briton got out of there as fast as possible and told ourselves that all the hot chicks were probably destroyed before we showed up." —Craig Kilborn

"On his way back home from the Middle East, Bush had Air Force One fly over Baghdad — for an hour. That shows how desperate Bush is to find weapons of mass destruction. He's now looking for himself." —Jay Leno

"This week President Bush insisted he is absolutely convinced that Saddam had a weapons program. Of course he was absolutely convinced that he won the 2000 election, so I don't know." —Jay Leno

~Compiled by Daniel Kurtzman

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