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Jon Stewart Quotes
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"It's not that the Democrats are playing checkers and the Republicans are playing chess. It's that the Republicans are playing chess and the Democrats are in the nurse's office because once again they glued their balls to their thighs." –Jon Stewart

"You have confused a war on religion with not getting everything you want." –Jon Stewart

"Why is it that if you take advantage of a tax break and you're a corporation, you're a smart businessman, but if you take advantage of something you need to not be hungry, you're a moocher?" –Jon Stewart

"I celebrated Thanksgiving in an old-fashioned way. I invited everyone in my neighborhood to my house, we had an enormous feast, and then I killed them and took their land.'' --Jon Stewart

"Oscar is 80 this year, which makes him now automatically the frontrunner for the Republican nomination." --Jon Stewart

"Democrats do have an historic race going. Hillary Clinton vs. Barack Obama. Normally, when you see a black man or a woman president an asteroid is about to hit the Statue of Liberty." --Jon Stewart

"Julie Christie was absolutely amazing in Away From Her. Brilliant movie. It was the moving story of a woman who forgets her own husband. Hillary Clinton calls it the feel good movie of the year."

"There are obviously certain questions that I get asked pretty often about the show: 'Do you guys all sit around a table and come up with jokes? Where do you get your ideas from? What's Rob Corddry really like?' The answers, by the way, are: no, weed, and 'a total d*ck.'" --Jon Stewart

"Thomas Jefferson once said: 'Of course the people don't want war. But the people can be brought to the bidding of their leader. All you have to do is tell them they're being attacked and denounce the pacifists for somehow a lack of patriotism and exposing the country to danger. It works the same in any country.' I think that was Jefferson. Oh wait. That was Hermann Goering. Shoot." --Jon Stewart, hosting the Peabody Awards

[Clip of Bush: America needs to conduct this debate on immigration in a reasoned and respectful tone...We cannot build a unified country by inciting people to anger or playing on anyone's fears]
Jon Stewart: "That's what terrorism and gay people are for."

"6,000 guardsmen deployed to the border. The guard, of course, terribly strapped, with so many of its members deployed to Iraq. Boy, I don't know what gave the guys who signed up for the National Guard the impression you can just join it and not have to do any work [on screen: a photo of Pres. Bush from his National Guard days]" --Jon Stewart

"Wow, the entire network of anchors has been hired to be the press secretary." --Jon Stewart on Fox News reaction to government's phone call database

"President Bush's approval ratings have taken somewhat of a dive. A senior slump, if you will. Leading President Bush to one conclusion: He is the only one who realizes what a great job he's being doing." --Jon Stewart

"The Oscars is really I guess the one night of the year when you can see all your favorite stars without having to donate any money to the Democratic Party. And it's exciting for the stars as well because it's the first time many of you have ever voted for a winner." --Jon Stewart, hosting the Academy Awards

"I do have some sad news to report. Bjork could not be here. She was trying on her Oscars dress and Dick Cheney shot her." --Jon Stewart, at the Academy Awards

"Capote, of course, addressed very similar themes to Good Night and Good Luck. Both films are about determined journalists defying obstacles in a relentless pursuit of the truth. Needless to say, both are period pieces." --Jon Stewart, at the Academy Awards

"A lot of people say that this town is too liberal, out of touch with mainstream America, an atheistic pleasure dome, a modern-day, beachfront Sodom and Gomorrah, a moral black hole where innocence is obliterated in an endless orgy of sexual gratification and greed. I don't really have a joke here. I just thought you should know a lot of people are saying that." --Jon Stewart, on Hollywood

"Do you think that if we all got together and pulled this down, democracy would flourish in Hollywood?" --Jon Stewart, on the giant Oscar statue in the Kodak Theater, likening it to the statue of Saddam Hussein pulled down after the fall of Baghdad in 2003

"Mr. Whittington is doing fine, but based on this development, we're going to downgrade the condition of this story from 'Incredibly Hilarious' to 'Still funny, but, mmm, now a little sad.'" --Jon Stewart, on the heart attack Harry Whittington suffered

"Vice President Dick Cheney accidentally shot a man during a quail hunt ... making 78-year-old Harry Whittington the first person shot by a sitting veep since Alexander Hamilton. Hamilton, of course, (was) shot in a duel with Aaron Burr over issues of honor, integrity and political maneuvering. Whittington? Mistaken for a bird." --Jon Stewart

"Moms and dads, if you're watching right now, I can't emphasize this enough: don't let your kids go hunting with the vice president. I don't care what kind of lucrative contracts they're trying to land or energy regulations they're trying to get lifted -- he'll shoot them in the face." --Jon Stewart

"The trial of Enron chiefs Jeffrey Skilling and Ken Lay began four-and-a-half years after perpetrating -- allegedly -- the fraud that led to the second largest bankruptcy in American history. Why four-and-a-half years? Because apparently it's harder to bring Ken Lay to trial than it is to invade two countries." --Jon Stewart

"Inspiring developments -- Democracy is on the march in the Middle East. Yesterday, hundreds of thousands of Palestinians hit the polls for the first time of parliamentary elections in ten years. Which democratically elected party walked away victorious? Oh, it's Hamas! Yes, Hamas the militant Islamic group that is very anti-American and calls for the destruction of Israel, and wants a theocracy in Palestine. Though, on the plus side, they have returned all the money given to them by Jack Abramoff." --Jon Stewart

"Christmas and the New Year are actually two holidays. So there is a plural, which in the English language, necessitates the use of 's.' I suppose you could say 'Merry Christmas' and 'Happy New Year,' but you probably have sh*t to do." --Jon Stewart, on Bill O'Reilly's objection to "Happy Holidays"

"All in all, 16 Texas oil refineries remain shut down after the storms. Analysts say it's the worst thing to happen to the Texas oil industry since George W. Bush worked in it." --Jon Stewart, on the aftermath of Hurricanes Katrina and Rita

"This is inarguably a failure of leadership from the top of the federal government. Remember when Bill Clinton went out with Monica Lewinsky. That was inarguably a failure of judgment at the top. Democrats had to come out and risk losing credibility if they did not condemn Bill Clinton for his behavior. I believe Republicans are in the same position right now. And I will say this: Hurricane Katrina is George Bush's Monica Lewinsky. The only difference is that tens of thousands of people weren't stranded in Monica Lewinsky's vagina." --Jon Stewart (Read a transcript of Stewart's remarks)

"Michael Brown, the director of FEMA, was nominated by President Bush in 2003 and plans to start the job any day now. ... Prior to heading FEMA, Brown spent the 90's as a commissioner -- this is true -- of the International Arabian Horse Association. I guess he stands out because most Bush appointees are beholden to Arabian people." --Jon Stewart

[Clip of President Bush addressing national guardsmen in Idaho]: "Nineteen individuals have served both as guardsmen and as president of the United States, and I'm proud to have been one."
"Ah, the first rule of public speaking -- always start with a joke." --Jon Stewart

"You know if I had nickel for every time Bush has mentioned 9/11, I could raise enough reward money to go after Bin Laden." --Jon Stewart

"He keeps saying 'sacrifice' and the 'war on terror,' and you turn around and he's in a field of poppies with Lance Armstrong." --Jon Stewart, on President Bush's vacation

"Even if the flag burning amendment does become law, the larger problem will remain of how to respectfully dispose of older, tattered flags. Well, fortunately the U.S. official Flag Code has a suggestion about this. Quote: 'The flag, when it is in such a condition that it is no longer a fitting emblem of display, should be destroyed in a dignified way, preferably by burning.' Owwwwcchh. In response, the House Republicans are calling for tattered flags to be kept alive via a feeding tube." --Jon Stewart

"Last week, CIA head Porter Goss said, 'The jobs I'm being asked to do... are too much for this mortal. I'm a little amazed at the workload.' He continued, 'I guess I always thought the job of overseeing American intelligence would be more Maytag Repairman-y.'" --Jon Stewart

"Bush finally got to the real reason for the trip -- give us money for Iraq. ... It's the Bush version of the Pottery Barn rule -- we broke it, you bought it." --Jon Stewart, on Bush's European tour

"Bush spoke of the diplomatic progress he was making with Europe. [Clip of Bush: 'When we talk about Iran that's a place that I am getting good advice from European partners.'] Ohhh good advice? What did you learned from your European partners. [Clip of Bush: 'Iran is not Iraq.'] Although they do sound very similar. Are you sure you bombed the right one?" --Jon Stewart

"Last week North Korea publicly admitted for the first time it has nuclear weapons. The Bush administration has so far shown very little concern, as the North Korean missiles are believed only capable of reaching the Blue States." --Jon Stewart on North Korea's nuclear weapons program

"President Bush asked Congress yesterday for an additional $82 billion in emergency spending for the wars in Iraq and Afghanistan. If granted, it would put the cost of the war in Iraq at about $200 billion, which I believe is around exactly what they told us the war would cost when they started the war two years ago. [Clip of USAID Administrator Andrew Natsios: 'The American part of this will be $1.7 billion. We have no plans for any further funding on this. ... In terms of the American tax payer contributions this is it for the U.S.'] Well, to be fair, 2003 dollars, if you adjust it for inflation, it is only $198 billion off, with a margin of error of we have no idea what we are doing." --Jon Stewart

"This past weekend, the Democratic National Committee made it official -- electing former governor and one-time shoe-in Howard Dean as their new party chairman. As a doctor they're hoping he can reattach the ass handed to the Democrats in the past election. ... You know, there's something stirring about the peaceful transfer of no power." --Jon Stewart

"Condoleezza Rice was confirmed by a vote of 85, 13, despite a contentious but futile protest vote by democrats. By the way, for a fun second term drinking game, chug a beer every time you hear the phrase 'contentious but futile protest vote by democrats.' By the time Jeb Bush is elected, you'll be so wasted you won't even notice the war in Syria." --Jon Stewart

"Attorney General John Ashcroft bid farewell to the Justice Department with a goodbye address. The voluntary resignation came as a bit of a disappointment to the attorney general, who had hoped to be raptured out of office." --Jon Stewart

Jon Stewart: "Finally, the moment we've all been waiting for - the official halfway point of the Bush presidency."
President Bush: "I George Walker Bush do solemnly swear..."
Stewart: "At which point 49 percent of the country also solemnly swore

"What happened was -- and, again, this is something I haven't shared with anybody. I should explain myself. I'm on steroids, and one of the side effects is called roid rage. The side effects have been awful. I have terrible back acne, shriveled genitalia. What I didn't realize is when you take steroids, you're supposed to work out. I've just been taking them. So it's causing that kind of anger. I remember going on the 'Crossfire' set and saying hello to the host, and then waking up naked with my ass cheeks taped together on Connecticut Avenue. So I don't really know what happened." --"Daily Show" host Jon Stewart, on his controversial interview on "Crossfire"

Jon Stewart: "Will Rumsfeld take personal responsibility for this problem? Clip: Rumsfeld: "I talked to the General coming out here about the pace at which the vehicles are being armored and it is essentially a matter of physics. It isn't a matter of money or on the part of the Army of desire. It is a matter of production and capability to do it."] Stewart: A matter of...physics. Don't you soldiers driving with no armor get it? Mass times velocity squared equals force. Damn you Einstein! Rumsfeld quickly moved from physics to philosophy. Clip: Rumsfeld: "You go to war with the Army you have not the Army you might want or wish to have." Stewart: "Actually they go to war, the Army. You fly in occasionally."

"They always throw around this term 'the liberal elite.' And I kept thinking to myself about the Christian right. What's more elite than believing that only you will go to heaven?" --Jon Stewart

"It is right now 10:04 on the East Coast. We are here at Prelude to a Recount. We are seeing record turnout across the nation on this election day, certainly a momentous occasion. The closest election that we have seen in ... about 4 years quite frankly. It's pretty much the same thing as last time. ... Except this time the world is watching, and, quite frankly, in Iraq tonight they're going, you invaded us to bring us this?" --Jon Stewart

"It's as if a guy drove me into a ditch and said, 'Don't worry, I know how to drive us out of this.'" --Jon Stewart, on President Bush

"On a personal note, I'm a comedian who makes fun of what I believe to be the absurdities of our government. Make my life difficult. Make this next four years really shitty for me, so that every morning all we can do is come in and go, 'Madonna is doing some Kaballah thing, you wanna do that?' I'd like that. I'm tired." --Jon Stewart, endorsing Sen. John Kerry, sort of

"They said I wasn't being funny. And I said to them, 'I know that, but tomorrow I will go back to being funny, and your show will still blow.'" --Jon Stewart, on his sniping match with Tucker Carlson and Paul Begala on "Crossfire"

"You know what's interesting, though? You're as big a dick on your show as you are on any show." --Jon Stewart, bitchslapping Tucker Carlson during an interview on CNN's "Crossfire"

"What you do is not honest. What you do is partisan hackery. You have a responsibility to the public discourse, and you fail miserably." --Jon Stewart, to Tucker Carlson and Paul Begala on "Crossfire"

"Oh, so Iraqis are more optimistic about their country than Americans are about ours? I don't think that helps you." --Jon Stewart, after President Bush touted a poll showing that the right track/wrong track in Iraq was better than in America

"We begin tonight with a simple, indisputable fact: as a young man, President George W. Bush benefited from family connections to get a place in the Texas Air National Guard, thus avoiding service in Vietnam. As you would guess, this has led to calls for the resignation of Dan Rather." -Jon Stewart

"Last night, the Republican faithful were angry. After four years of being in charge of the House, Senate, Supreme Court and Executive branch, they were not gonna take it anymore. Yeah! Down with the people who are already down!" -Jon Stewart, on the GOP convention

"When they say they served with Kerry in Vietnam, what they really mean is that they were in Vietnam at the same time. Kind of like how Snoopy served with the Red Baron" --Jon Stewart, on the Swift Boat Veterans For Truth, who have attacked Kerry's military service record

"This morning, prompted by increasing concerns about terrorism, oil prices reached a record high as the cost of a barrel of crude is a whooping $44.34. Wow, it seems shocking that a product of finite supply gets more expensive the more we use it. ... Now the terror alert means higher oil prices, which oddly enough means higher profits for oil companies giving them more money to give to politicians whose policies may favor the oil companies such as raising the terror alert level. As Simba once told us - it's the circle of life." --Jon Stewart

"After a long investigation the SEC has fined Halliburton $7.5 million for issuing fraudulent statements exaggerating their profits in 1998 and 1999 during which their CEO was - oh who was it? Oh that's right. ... Cheney himself has not been implicated in the scandal and according to Cheney's lawyer there is no allegation whatsoever that he acted in any way other than in the best interests of the company and its shareholders. And you know what? It's still true today." --Jon Stewart

"Now, on the subject of the convention, most observers agreed last week brought a newly energized Democratic party, one focused on a common goal. With the party now in the spotlight, many people are wondering ...(Stewart handed a piece of paper) Oh. Terror warning. Guess I'll have to stop talking about the Democrats." --Jon Stewart

"Homeland Security Chief Tom Ridge made that critical leap from 'be afraid' to 'be very afraid,' raising the terrorist threat level to orange for financial sectors in New York, Washington, D.C., and northern New Jersey. ... Ridge's announcement comes amidst reports he will step down as head of homeland security after the election. Ridge himself has refused to comment on the story, though colleagues say he has often expressed a desire to spend more time at home, scaring his family." --Jon Stewart

"And the big convention kickoff. Monday's theme: 'The Kerry-Edwards plan for America's future.' It was a powerful message lacking only Kerry, Edwards, and a plan for America's future. In its stead: dance party!" --Jon Stewart

"In what will have to pass as the convention's biggest surprise, Ron Reagan Jr., son of the recently sainted Republican president, will address the convention on the subject of stem cell research. The Republican attack machine has already countered by announcing their convention's keynote address will be delivered by Roger Clinton on the subject of, 'I Thought You Said There'd Be Girls Here."' --Jon Stewart

"(Terrorists) are planning to disrupt our democratic process. It's scary I know, but we're not going to let al Qaeda tell us what to do. In fact, our government has decided that if al Qaeda attempts to disrupt our democratic process, we are going to respond by disrupting it first." --Jon Stewart

"Ralph Nader choose the man with whom to share the responsibility of running a distant third, California activist Peter Camejo. You may remember that Camejo ran for president in 1976 on the Socialist Workers Party ticket. Actually, you might only remember that if you run a lesbian, vegetarian, bookstore." --Jon Stewart

"The Bushes hosted their predecessors at the White House yesterday, for the official unveiling of Bill and Hillary Clinton's White House portraits. The occasion moved the current commander in chief to a rare show of gracious bi-partisanship. ... Bush then handed the mic over to Clinton. It's been a long time since this skilled orator spoke in the White House. I'm sure he's got some profound words to share ... [clip of Clinton: 'All those kind and generous you said, made me feel like I was a pickle stepping into history.'] ... Uhhh, I don't get that at all. As a matter fact, if I remember correctly, your pickle's already stepped into history." --Jon Stewart

"I guess the people I feel worst for are Carter and Ford. Because they have to be watching all this thinking, we're not getting that." --Jon Stewart, on media coverage of Ronald Reagan's death

"There is good news tonight for Ahmed Chalabi. It turns out that all along he was providing accurate, truthful, helpful information. Unfortunately, it was to Iran." --Jon Stewart

"The prisoner scandal is yet another election year problem for President Bush. And, with the economy still struggling, combat operations in Iraq dragging on, and the 9-11 hearings revealing damning information, even an opponent of limited political skill should be able to capitalize on those problems. The Democrats, however, chose to nominate John Kerry." --Jon Stewart

"Insiders have begun voicing serious concerns about how he's conducting his campaign. One aide told the New York Times that while Bush's message of 'steady leadership' has remained consistent, Kerry has gone through six different messages in the 18 months he's been running, including, at one particularly desperate juncture, 'Kerry: Health care jobs for the troops' environment.'" --Jon Stewart

"Please explain to me why John Kerry sounds more dickish telling the truth than Bush sounds when he's lying. How is that possible?" --Jon Stewart

"GOP strategists hope the revelation of Kerry's wealth might debunk his status as a, quote, man of the people, and reveal him to be a bit of a fat cat. Unlike the President who - as we all know - before attending Andover and Yale, was a Cockney matchstick girl dying of tuberculosis." --Jon Stewart

"The issue of Kerry's military service has spawned a number of recent news-like events which have led to Republican charges the decorated war hero has something to hide. Because if there is one thing the Bush administration will not tolerate, it is ... other people's secrecy." --Jon Stewart

"With the situation in Iraq growing ever more dangerous, the 34-member Coalition of The Willing are, one by one, dropping out to join the other coalition known as Most of The Rest of The World." --Jon Stewart

"Spain's new Prime Minister Jose Luis Rodriguez Zapatero announced he will soon call back Spain's 1300 troops from Iraq - meaning the coalition of the willing is fast turning into a duet of the stubborn." --Jon Stewart

"After going to war against the U.N.'s expressed wishes, the U.S. is now admitting it needs the U.N.'s help. It's the geopolitical equivalent of the 2 a.m. phone call ever parent dreads: 'Mom, I'm not saying I wrecked the car, but I need a ride home.'" --Jon Stewart

"If there's one thing we learned from our last presidential election, it's that democracy is far too important to rely on an outdated error-prone system like punchcard ballots. So, as we gear up for the 2004 vote, many communities have moved on to electronic voting - a far more high-tech, error-prone system." --Jon Stewart

"Of course, it is still eight months to election day, but the campaign is starting to fall into its own natural rhythm: falsely macho Kerry comment, falsely indignant Bush response." --Jon Stewart

"If you're keeping score at home, so far our war in Iraq has created a police state in that country and socialism in Spain. So, no democracies yet, but we're really getting close." --Jon Stewart

"The Bush camp wasted little time condemning Kerry's remarks as uncivil. Campaign chairman Marc Racicot called Kerry's off-the-cuff comment, 'unbecoming of a candidate for the presidency.' Bush never had a similar microphone mishap, has he? [Shows tape of Bush saying: 'There's Adam Clymer, major league asshole from the New York Times.' Cheney: 'Oh, yeah, he is, big time.'] I gotta tell you, I know there was that one, I was actually thinking more of this one. [Shows tape from Bush's 2003 State of the Union address: 'The British government has learned that Saddam Hussein recently sought significant quantities of uranium from Africa.'] Oh my God, was my mike on? D'oh!" --Jon Stewart

"Bush went on to attack the Democrats' policies. (Bush says) 'Their agenda is to increase federal taxes, to build a wall around this country and to isolate America from the rest of the world.' Hmm. So you're concerned the Democrats might do something that would damage America's standing in the world. Interesting...that you would think that's still possible." --Jon Stewart

"Some see the move as an attempt to preserve traditional values, while others see it as a cynical ploy to ensure that Vice President Dick Cheney will never have to pay for his gay daughter's wedding." --Jon Stewart, on Bush's proposal for a constitutional amendment to ban gay marriage

"The White House released documents it claims validates the president's (National Guard) service ... When deciphered the documents showed that in a one-year period, 1972 and 1973, Bush received credit for nine days of active National Guard service. The traditional term of service then and now for the National Guard is one weekend a month and two full weeks a year, meaning that Bush's nine-day stint qualifies him only for the National Guard's National Guard. That's the National Guard's National Guard, an Army of None." --Jon Stewart

"Throughout his life, General Wesley Clark has stood up to some tough opponents. He battled the Viet Cong, and went toe-to-toe with Slobodan Milosevic. But today the retired four-star general capitulated to the fiercest enemy he's ever confronted: the American voter." --Jon Stewart

"I love watching the White House press conferences, they're very enjoyable. I love watching talented journalists who spent their entire lives to get the point where they're in the White House press corps only to find out they're dictation machines where the White House will tell them what to say. But I'm watching it today and the strangest thing happened, today was the first press conference relevant since they released the President's Vietnam service record and suddenly, it's like there's a whole new attitude. I have just one question for the press corps: Where the f--- have you been? You're starting to ask questions now? Now? All of a sudden, they've got questions and it's about his Vietnam service. Guys, you're like eight wars behind. Hey! I heard there was a break in at the Watergate! You might want to check in on that!" --Jon Stewart

"If there was one lesson to be drawn from Bush's appearance, it's that he doesn't have to be forthcoming or honest. And he's the first to tell you why. (Bush:) 'I'm a war president.' He added: 'I guess I should have told you that back in 2000."' --Jon Stewart

"During his trip, Wolfowitz took a positive view of the peril he put the troops in, noting 'The more successful we are, the more we can expect them to go after those things that represent success.' Does this guy know how to motivate the troops or what? Apparently the best way to measure our accomplishments is to witness the destruction of our accomplishments." --Jon Stewart, on Deputy Defense Secretary Paul Wolfowitz's recent trip to Iraq

"If Howard Dean is still limping along, other campaigns have collapsed with the last sign of Joementum fading. Connecticut Senator Joe Lieberman, who was banking everything on, and I kid you not, a strong showing in Delaware, took last night's 0-7 performance as a sign that the game was finally jover." --Jon Stewart

"In South Carolina, Senator John Edwards won handily, fulfilling his promise to win every state he was born in." --Jon Stewart

"We have to tape this show around 6 o'clock, 6:30, so we're not positive of the exact results but I really can confidently predict the following: today, voters in seven states from North Dakota to New Mexico humored Joe Lieberman, ignored Dennis Kucinich, reminisced about Howard Dean, and admired Clark's hussle, but still found him too creepy." --Jon Stewart

"When did our elections become the Special Olympics? You're not all winners. Not everyone gets a hug. You guys got crushed." --Jon Stewart, on the exuberant losers of the New Hampshire primary

"Elsewhere in New Hampshire, Senator Joe Lieberman withered today and remained optimistic till the end. ... He then snapped, 'Shut up Hadassah, you're ruining my Joe-mentum.'" --Jon Stewart

"Much of John Kerry's recent surge has come at the expense of Howard Dean. The situation reflected in his hot new bumper sticker, 'Dated Dean, Married Kerry.' It's cute and a lot more tasteful than the alternative version, 'Dated Dean, Married Kerry, Finger-Banged Kucinich.'" --Jon Stewart

"Last night we had Carol Moseley Braun on the program. She's explaining to me why she should be the next president of the United States. I get home that night, check the Internet, and she dropped out of the race. ... My guess is this whole presidential run was a ruse to get on this program. Gore did the same thing." --Jon Stewart

"Paul O'Neill was a permanent member of the National Security Council -- meaning he was able to provide author Ron Suskind with thousands of important documents that included evidence that from day one of this administration, Bush was out to get Saddam Hussein and that he told his cabinet early on, 'Go find me a way to do this.' To which the Pentagon responded, 'How 'bout bombs?'" --Jon Stewart

"O'Neill also provided Suskind with several damming pre-9/11 memos including one entitled 'Foreign Suitors For Iraqi Oil Field Contracts' and another entitled 'Military Plan For Post-Saddam Iraq.' Said a Bush Administration official - 'So that's where the military plan for post-Saddam Iraq went! Can you fax that?'" --Jon Stewart

"President Bush announced we're going to Mars, which means he's given up on Earth." --Jon Stewart

"Critics have noted Schwarzenegger's only previous government experience was serving under President Bush senior as Chairman of the Council of Physical Fitness, a largely symbolic office, where Schwarzenegger's only responsibility was doing hundreds of jumping jacks he was going to do anyway." --Jon Stewart

"Despite his infirmities, Strom Thurmond showed up to work every day and did not miss a Senate vote in his final year, though no one is sure if a shouted "Bingo!" counted as a yea or a nay." --Jon Stewart

"I heard Dennis Kucinich say in a debate, 'When I'm president...' and I just wanted to stop him and say, 'Dude.'" --Jon Stewart

"If the events of September 11, 2001, have proven anything, it's that the terrorists can attack us, but they can't take away what makes us American - our freedom, our liberty, our civil rights. No, only Attorney General John Ashcroft can do that." --Jon Stewart

"[President Bush] recently challenged Iraqi soldiers still fighting U.S. troops like so: ... 'My answer is bring 'em on.' For those of you who may be criticizing Bush for acting like a movie cowboy, let me remind you. He's actually acting more like a movie cheerleader." --Jon Stewart

"Bush advisers have long been worried that a lagging economy could hamper the president's re-election chances. They hope that the Cabinet shake-up will provide a needed jolt. If that doesn't work, North Korea has to go." --Jon Stewart

"Over the last several weeks, several of TV's so-called armchair generals, of which there are many, along with many of the Army's so-called real generals, have been openly critical of the U.S. military planning. Donald Rumsfeld's frustration with these critics boiled over at a press conference earlier this week. Rumsfeld said the only way you're going to be able to get people to believe something is true is if you print it up two million times and drop it from airplanes." --Jon Stewart

"Defense Secretary Donald Rumsfeld had a press conference at the Pentagon. If you listen to him speak, it really makes you wonder what the f**k he's thinking. [Shows clip of Rumsfeld threatening to hold Syria and Iran accountable for hostile acts against the U.S.] Do you see what he just did there? We're in the middle of a war, and he's starting another war. We're already fighting Iraq and he's like, 'Syria, you want a piece?' ...There is nothing like a cantankerous old man who takes a hey-you-kids-get-off-my-lawn approach to foreign policy. The guy's literally just like drunk swinging a broken bottle at people. 'Hey Netherlands, you looking at me?'" --Jon Stewart

"In Iraq, the U.S. military's whack-a-mole approach to killing Saddam Hussein may have finally paid off. The bombs destroyed the area and left behind a 60-foot crater, or as coalition forces prefer to call it: a freedom hole." --Jon Stewart

"Many of our soldiers are stationed at Camp Coyote just south of the Iraqi border. This is how you know we have a strong army, when you can actually tell your enemy exactly where your camp is and what its name is." --Jon Stewart

"President Bush remained undeterred by the massive display of American opposition, even though much of it came from the hundreds of thousands of voters who supported [him] by voting for Nader." --Jon Stewart

"Some would argue that the president himself benefited from a form of affirmative action because as a C student, he only got into Yale because his father was a wealthy alumnus. But the White House counters that Saddam is a menace and must be stopped." --Jon Stewart

"Scores of Iraqi exiles met in London to discuss ways to overthrow Saddam Hussein in a grand gathering dubbed the 'Iraqi Military Alliance Meeting.' Of course, these people are no longer Iraqi, they have no military, and there is no alliance. But they did have a meeting." --Jon Stewart

"Senator John McCain, who spent over five years in a Vietnamese POW camp, publicly releases 1,000 pages of medical records. Now people are left with only open nagging questions: what kind of freak has 1,000 pages of medical records?" --Jon Stewart

"The United States Central Command of the Armed Forces has asked Geraldo Rivera to leave Iraq. It should also be noted that the only three other people that the U.S. military has asked to leave Iraq are Saddam Hussein and his two sons." --Jon Stewart

"We have it. The smoking gun. The evidence. The potential weapon of mass destruction we have been looking for as our pretext of invading Iraq. There's just one problem - it's in North Korea." --Jon Stewart

"Yesterday, the president met with a group he calls the coalition of the willing. Or, as the rest of the world calls them, Britain and Spain." --Jon Stewart

"President Bush delivered his first State of the Union address, riding high on an 82-percent approval rating, and with Attorney General John Ashcroft dispatching agents to interview the other 18 percent." -Jon Stewart

"President Bush announced his new economic plan. The centerpiece was a proposed repeal of the dividends tax on stocks, a boon that could be worth millions of dollars to average Americans. Well, average stock owning Americans. Technically, Americans who own a significant amount of shares in dividend dealing companies. Well, rich people, that's what I'm trying to say. They're going to do really well with this." --Jon Stewart

"Analysis of President Bush's tax plan has revealed that several elaborate tricks and gimmicks were used to make it look like a $1.35 trillion cut, but in reality it's going to be closer to costing $1.8 trillion. Critics claim it's math so fuzzy, you have to squint to see our nation's future of subsistence farming and post-apocalyptic roving motorcycle gangs." --Jon Stewart

"The final margin in the sate of Florida: 5 votes to 4 votes. The thing about that, it's an 11 percent victory margin for George W. Bush…but it looks like one of the most surprising things about this Florida vote is that George W. Bush got 100 percent of the African American vote." -Jon Stewart, on the majority U.S. Supreme Court ruling joined by Justice Clarence Thomas

"The two candidates were said to have spent the evening pouring over the complex and detailed Supreme Court ruling. But whereas Gore was pouring over it with his eyes and mind, Bush was pouring a glass of juice over it because quote, 'I don't want to finish my juice.'" -Jon Stewart

"The George W. Bush era begins. Ralph Nader says, 'Stop looking at me like that.'" --Jon Stewart

"I was not elected to serve one party." --George W. Bush (video overlay)
"You were not elected." --Jon Stewart
"I have something else to ask you, to ask every American. I ask you to pray for this great nation." --Bush
"We're way ahead of you." --Stewart (Listen to audio clip)

~Compiled by Daniel Kurtzman

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