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The Wit and Wisdom of John Kerry
Funny Quotes from the 2004 Campaign Trial
 John Kerry Humor

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Compiled by Daniel Kurtzman

"You get the feeling that if George Bush had been President during other periods in American history, he would have sided with the candle lobby against electricity, the buggy-makers against cars, and typewriter companies against computers."

"I guess the president and you and I are three examples of lucky people who married up. And some would say maybe me more so than others." --during the third presidential debate

"The big hang-up was George Bush wanted to get life lines, you know, so he could call somebody." –-discussing the debate negotiations with Regis Philbin

"Did the training wheels fall off?" –-after being told by reporters that President Bush took a tumble during a bike ride

"Here I am in the state of New Mexico. George Bush is still in the state of denial. New Mexico has five electoral votes. The state of denial has none. I like my chances."

"Invading Iraq in response to 9/11 would be like Franklin Roosevelt invading Mexico in response to Pearl Harbor."

"Being lectured by the president on fiscal responsibility is a little bit like Tony Soprano talking to me about law and order in this country."

"Cheney can claim Bush as a dependent." –-item #3 on Kerry's "Top 10" list of Bush tax proposals, as read on the "Late Show With David Letterman"

"I wanted to have John Edwards stand. Dick Cheney wanted to sit. We compromised and now George Bush is gonna sit on Dick Cheney's lap." –- discussing negotiations over the vice presidential debate

"You'd be amazed at the number of people who want to introduce themselves to you in the men's room. It's the most bizarre part of this entire thing."

"We've got better vision. We've got better ideas. We've got real plans. We've got a better sense of what's happening to America, and we've got better hair." --campaigning with his running mate, Sen. John Edwards  

"I just want to assure you that both President Bush and I have very firm alibis." -- after three Davenport, Iowa banks were robbed while Kerry and Bush were campaigning in the city at the same time

"When your horse is headed down toward the waterfalls or your horse is drowning, it's a good time to change horses in midstream. May I also suggest we need a taller horse? You can get through deeper waters that way."

"In the event of emergency, my hair can be used as a flotation device," –on board the inaugural flight of his refurbished Boeing 757

"If you think Dick Cheney is cursing now, wait until November 2nd when we finish doing what we're going to do." –-on Cheney telling Sen. Patrick Leahy to "go f**k yourself"

"I want to start by saying something nice about President Bush. Of all the presidents we've had with the last name of Bush, his economic plan ranks in the top two."

"I promise just to serve two terms. Republicans do it differently. They just have the son repeat the father's whole first term."

"Do you have to go through a program for that, or do you just some day listen and embrace reason?" –-after an Ohio woman told him she was a "recovering Republican"

"I figured out Karl Rove's political strategy -- make gas so expensive, no Democrats can afford to go to the polls."  

"We crossed paths. Are there pictures of us dancing on a bar together? No. I don't have that." –-on his run-ins with George W. Bush at Yale

"George Bush is a walking contradiction, a walking barrel of broken promises. As the phrase goes, Houston, we've got a problem."

"I've been having problems with the right wing lately." --after undergoing surgery on his right shoulder

"I'm glad the President finally found an economic development program. I'm just sad that it's only in Baghdad."

"My friends, that's trickle-down economics, and I believe every worker in America is tired of being trickled on by George W. Bush"

"George Bush thought he could play dress-up on an aircraft carrier and you wouldn't notice. Ask yourself, whose mission is accomplished?"

"We're coming, you’re going, and don’t let the door hit you on the way out."

~Compiled by Daniel Kurtzman

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