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On Sunday's episode of "The
Simpsons," the family decided that Krusty the Clown should run for
Congress. Some highlights:
Marge: "Why is that jet flying so close to
our house?"
Lisa: "They must have moved the flight paths
over our house." Lisa continues: "Dad, why don't you go to the airport
authority and complain?"
At the complaint dept. the family is told:
"Go up to room 915 and ask for form 1790."
Marge: "We've already been to room 915.
We've already filled out form 1790."
Homer: "With an application to open a
Cinnabon stand."
Marge: "Can you please just tell us why you
changed the flight paths."
Complaint Dept.: "They were changed because
it disturbed local wildlife and their mating rituals."
Marge: "There has to be a solution that
pleases everyone. From ducks and trees to you's and me's."
Complaint Dept.: "Are you threatening a
government official?"
Marge: "No."
Complaint Dept.: "Good because we're the
government, we make the laws, we make the money and we breed the super soldiers.
So go home, learn to live with it, pay your taxes and remember, you didn't hear
anything about super soldiers."
Lisa: "Why don't we go to our
Congressman."
Bart: "Hey, Krusty should run for Congress.
He could help us with the airplanes."
Lisa: "Yeah, entertainers are always winning
elections, Jesse the Body Ventura, Sonny Bono, Gopher from 'Love Boat,' Mary
Bono."
And at the Springfield GOP Headquarters, Mr.
Burns opens the meeting with: "Welcome fellow Republicans. To start on new
business, brother Hibbert will read a report on our efforts to rename everything
after Ronald Reagan."
Hibbert: "All Millard Fillmore schools are
now Ronald Reagan. The Mississippi River is now the Mississippi Reagan."
Burns: "Who will we put up for young
Wilcox's congressional seat."
Krusty: "Gentlemen, I am your candidate.
There's just one thing. Are you guys any good at covering up youthful, middle
aged indiscretions?"
Burns: "Are these indiscretions romantic,
financial or treasonous?"
Krusty: "Russian hooker, you tell me."
Burns: "We'll say you were on a fact finding
mission."
Hibbert: "Congratulations Krusty, you're
running for Congress."
In a TV debate between the two candidates, the
reporter notes: "Welcome to Fox News, your voice for evil. Tonight we'll be
interviewing the top two candidates for Springfield's 24th congressional
district. For the Republicans, beloved children's entertainer, Krusty the Clown.
And for the Democrats, this guy.
Armstrong: "I have a name."
Reporter: "Yes, I'm sure you do comrade. I
do appreciate you're being here, you're usually so mired in sleaze, it must be
an effort to come down to the studio."
Krusty: "May I say something?"
Reporter: "Certainly, Congressman."
Armstrong: "He hasn't won yet."
Reporter: "You make a very adulterous point.
We will now conclude this debate with a Krusty campaign commercial."
While the debate was airing, the following ran on
the news ticker: "Pointless news crawls up at 37 percent. ... Do Democrats
cause cancer? Find out at Foxnews.com. ... Rupert Murdoch: Terrific Dancer. ...
Dow down 5000 points. ... Study: 92 percent of Democrats are gay. ... JFK
posthumously joins Republican Party. ... Oil slicks found to keep seals young,
supple. ... Dan Quayle: Awesome."
And on election night, Krusty: "I won. I'm a
Senator."
Lisa: "Congressman."
Krusty: "Whatever."
In Congress, proposing legislation, Krusty asks:
"Where is everybody?"
A Rep.: "No one shows up unless there's a
vote."
Krusty: "Why are you here."
Rep.: "I steal stuff when everyone else is
gone."
Janitor: "I think I can help. I've been
working in this town for a long time and I know how to get things done."
Homer: "Beat it."
Marge: "No let's hear him out. He looks a
little like Walter Mondale."
Janitor: "Yeah, looks like. Let's just say I
know how a bill becomes a law."
Lisa: "Oh that's easy. First it's introduced
then it goes to committee."
Janitor: "Wrong. That's wrong. Well I'll
show you how things really work around here."
Bart: "Congressman I have a tape here
showing you using your free mail privilege to send a get well card to your
aunt."
Rep.: "I'm ruined. Maybe I wanted to be
caught."
Janitor, to Homer: "That southern
congressman is your biggest obstacle. You have to drink him under the table so
he misses the vote tomorrow." To Lisa: "Now your job is to attach
Krusty's bill to a more popular bill, one that can't fail."
Rep.: "The House will now consider the Flags
for Orphans bill."
After passage, Krusty: "The system worked. I
have become enchanted and illusioned with Washington."
Janitor: "The reason it all worked is
because you all did your part."
It ends back home in Springfield. Bart: "At
last those planes are flying where they belong."
Homer: "That's right, over the homes of poor
people" (Fox, March 9, 2003).
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