Dennis Kucinich Jokes

"Dennis Kucinich dropped out of the presidential race. Dennis's campaign slogan was 'Don't look back.' He chose that slogan because there was never anybody behind him." --Jay Leno

"Dennis Kucinich today got a judge to order MSNBC, the cable channel, to let him be a part of the debate, which is the political equivalent of your mom forcing the other kids to play with you. ... But then a state Supreme Court judge overruled him, so he couldn't go to the debate. Apparently, the fact that he has no chance whatsoever has not slowed Dennis Kucinich down at all. I don't blame him though, because when you look like a Keebler Elf and your wife looks like this [on screen: Elizabeth Kucinich], how can you help but believe that anything is possible?" --Jimmy Kimmel

"Presidential candidate Dennis Kucinich has a new platform -- live long and prosper. Did you here about this? Dennis Kucinich admitted during the debates the other night that he had seen a UFO up close. See, Dennis Kucinich doesn't seem like the type of guy who would see a UFO, he seems like the kind of guy you'd see coming out of a UFO." --Jay Leno

"You know anything about Dennis Kucinich? ... During the debate, he claimed he once saw a UFO. Yeah, a UFO. Not only that, he claims aliens introduced him to his hot wife." --David Letterman

"But Dennis Kucinich says he once saw a UFO. I'm thinking to myself, 'Saw one? My God, it looks like he's been riding one'" --David Letterman

"Presidential candidate Dennis Kucinich says that he once had an encounter with a UFO. Apparently, several weird looking, little men got off the ship, saw Kucinich, and said, 'It's alright. He's one of us.'" --Conan O'Brien

"If Dennis Kucinich is elected president, his wife would be the first first lady ever with a pierced tongue. And he would be the first president ever to sit in the Oval Office on a booster seat." --Jay Leno

"It was announced this week that over the summer, Hillary Clinton's campaign raised $27 million, while Barack Obama's campaign raised $22 million. In a related story, Dennis Kucinich found a nickel between the couch cushions." --Conan O'Brien

"According to Reuters, Democratic candidates ... have raised more money than Republican candidates. Over the summer, Hillary Clinton raised like $27 million, Barack Obama collected well over $20 million, and Dennis Kucinich saved a ton of dough on his car insurance by switching to Geico." --Jay Leno

"This week, presidential candidate Dennis Kucinich ... said he supports lowering the voting age to 16. Not only that, Kucinich supports lowering the lever in the voting booth so he can reach it." --Conan O'Brien

"Director Steven Spielberg has announced that he will endorse Hillary Clinton for president. He says he likes Hillary because she combines the warmth of the raptors in 'Jurassic Park' with the charisma of the mashed potato tower in 'Close Encounters.' ... You'd think he'd endorse Dennis Kucinich after giving him the lead role in 'E.T.'" --Jimmy Kimmel

"Congressman and presidential candidate Dennis Kucinich introduced articles of impeachment against Vice President Dick Cheney this week. Political pundits say Dennis Kucinich is that rare candidate capable of waging ... two hopeless campaigns at the same time." --Jay Leno

"When the Associated Press asked all the candidates what their dream job would be if they couldn't be president, New Mexico Governor Bill Richardson said his dream job would be center fielder for the New York Yankees. Joe Biden said he wanted to be an architect. And Dennis Kucinich said his dream is to grow up and one day become a real, live boy" --Jay Leno

"But with months until the primaries, there's only so much dirt you can dig up on these people. We already know that Barack Obama went to a radical madrasa and that Dennis Kucinich's paternal grandfather was the Lorax." --Stephen Colbert

"A gay rights group sponsored a debate among the Democratic presidential candidates to discuss gay issues. Dennis Kucinich might be getting a little desperate -- he showed up wearing all leather." --Jay Leno

"Latest on the campaign: It was reported that things are going so badly for Sen John McCain, McCain has to carry his own luggage. Meanwhile, things are going so badly for Dennis Kucinich's campaign, he has to carry Barack Obama's luggage." --Conan O'Brien

"Democratic presidential candidate Dennis Kucinich is in the hospital for food poisoning. You ever see Kucinich? Doesn't he always look like he always has food poisoning?" --Jay Leno

"Hopeless Democratic presidential candidate Dennis Kucinich was hospitalized for food poisoning on Sunday night. He's fine now. He was released from the Cleveland Children's Hospital yesterday. He's now back home, resting comfortably in a hollow tree. I guess he ate out of the wrong bird feeder" --Jimmy Kimmel

"There were seven candidates up there. Seven and a half if you count woodland creature Dennis Kucinich." --Stephen Colbert

"CNN found out which celebrities are donating money to which presidential campaigns. See if you notice any kind of a pattern here. Hillary Clinton's campaign got money from Paul Newman, Tobey Macguire, Tom Hanks, and Ben Stiller. Barack Obama got donations from Will Smith, Cedric the Entertainer, Isaiah Washington, and Jamie Foxx. ... And Dennis Kucinich, he actually got some celebrity money. He got checks from Verne Troyer, Emmanuel Lewis, Dr. Ruth, and Papa Smurf. ... They say as goes Papa Smurf, so goes the South." --Jimmy Kimmel

"Democrats have a lot of choices. Hillary Clinton would be the first woman president. Bill Richardson would be the first Hispanic president. Barack Obama would be the first black president. And Dennis Kucinich would be the first hobbit president." --Jay Leno

~Compiled by Daniel Kurtzman

Next: Late-Night Jokes about Kucinich's 2004 Presidential Bid