July 31, 2006

"There's now a 48-hour cease-fire going on in the Middle East. Israel will stop attacking Hezbollah, but Hezbollah will not necessarily agree to stop attacking Israel. Hey, we can't even get Mel Gibson to stop attacking Israel." --Jay Leno

"On Friday, President Bush held a press conference with British Prime Minister Tony Blair and then he met with the 'American Idol,' Taylor Hicks. Those are our two last remaining allies apparently." --Jay Leno

"Tonight's Word: Wikiality. I'm no fan of reality [on screen: It Has A Liberal Bias]. And I'm no fan of encyclopedias [on screen: Just Fat-Ass Dictionaries]. I've said it before. Who is Britannica to tell me that George Washington had slaves? If I want to say he didn't, that's my right. And now, thanks to Wikipedia, it's now a fact [on screen: Wikipedia Can Tell A Lie]. We should apply these principles to all information. All we need to do is convince a majority of people that some factoid is true." --Stephen Colbert

"As usual, the Bush administration is on the cutting edge of information management. While they've admitted that Saddam did not possess weapons of mass destruction, they've also insinuated he did possess weapons of mass destruction [on screen: Have No Yellowcake and Eat It Too]. Insinuations that have been repeated over and over again on cable news for the past three and a half years [on screen: 24,000 Hour News Cycle]. The result is, 18 months ago, only 36% of Americans believed it, but 50% of Americans believe it now. What we're doing is bringing democracy to knowledge [on screen: Definitions Will Greet Us As Liberators]. The blame ignorance first crowd is going to say something is true or it isn't, and it doesn't matter how many people agree. If you go against what the majority of people see as reality, you're the one whose crazy [on screen: Crazy Like Fox News Channel]. Nation, it's time we use the power of our numbers for a real Internet revolution [on screen: The Revolution Will Not Be Verified]." --Stephen Colbert

"Lebanon. Our president, President Bush, has rejected calls for an immediate cease-fire on the grounds that he'd prefer a 'sustainable cease-fire.' It makes sense. He doesn't want the killing to stop until he's sure it will stop. So, there will be more killing until the president's convinced that there will be no more killing. Or everyone else runs out of people." --Jon Stewart

"Clearly, we're facing a conflict so brutal that even the best diplomacy seems insufficient. That's why the president has cleared his schedule, assembled his most trusted advisors and had an urgent conference with ten of the most talented stars in America. Ladies and Gentleman, please welcome your 'American Idols.' Actually you can only see nine Idols there. Idol Elliott Yamin arrived at the White House late. He had a good excuse though. He was meeting with the president of Syria." --Jon Stewart

"President Bush spent hours talking about a possible solution to the Mid East crisis until staffers had to pull him aside and say, 'Mr. President, that's Taylor Hicks. Prime Minster Blair is still outside waiting.'." --Jay Leno

July 28, 2006

"And for the most ridiculous story of the week. This week, Ann Coulter said Bill Clinton is gay. I got to admit he hides it pretty well. Ann Coulter thinks Bill Clinton is gay? But she also thinks George Bush is smart, so you gotta take it with a grain of salt." --Jay Leno

"President Bush hosted the 'American Idol' finalists in the Oval Office. Well sure, there's not really anything else going on. Bush is very, very busy. Tomorrow he meets with the Pirates of the Caribbean." --David Letterman

"This Taylor Hicks. You know who he is? He's the big 'American Idol' winner and he won by 4 million votes more than President Bush won his election. Coincidentally, so did Al Gore." --David Letterman

"Police in St. Paul, Minnesota, caught the 81-year-old father of U.S. Senator Norm Coleman having sex in the parking lot of a pizza parlor with a 38-year-old woman. Senator Coleman is a Republican, but apparently, his father's a Democrat." --Jay Leno

"The leader of Hezbollah is said to be hiding in the Iranian Embassy in Lebanon. President Bush said today he once spent the night there. Then his staff told him, 'No, Mr. President, those were Embassy Suites.'." --Jay Leno

"Enough with this heat. I was sweating like Bill Clinton walking down the lingerie aisle at Lane Bryant." --Jay Leno

"Hopefully it's going to be cooler than last weekend because last weekend was a really, really, really horrible weekend. Our governor here in California has been running on a treadmill nonstop to keep the power going." --Jimmy Kimmel

"Tour de France winner Floyd Landis has tested positive for high levels of testosterone. He said he did not cheat. Landis said his first results were a 'false positive.' Sounds like a John Kerry answer, doesn't it? A yes and no." --Jay Leno

July 27, 2006

"Congress has sent a bill to President Bush that would set up a national database of convicted sex offenders on the Internet. Don't we have this already? It's called MySpace." --Jay Leno

"Hey, here's a very strange story. Police in St. Paul, Minnesota have caught the 81-year-old father of U.S. Senator Norm Coleman having sex in the parking lot of a pizza parlor with a 38-year-old woman. God, bless him. 81 years old. Police asked him why he didn't wait 'till he got home. He said 'At my age, I can't take a chance, I have to have it right now.'." --Jay Leno

"And on the CNBC show 'The Big Idea' with Donny Deutsch, Ann Coulter said Bill Clinton was gay....That's what I think she said, it's hard to understand her with that Adam's Apple bobbing up and down all the time. She said 'Bill Clinton is gay' and today Clinton told Hillary 'That's what I've been trying to tell you, those women are all liars, I'm gay'." --Jay Leno

July 26, 2006

"Another day in the Middle East. Obviously the cease-fire fell through, talks fell apart, they lasted about two hours. Even the O.J. jury managed to meet longer than that." --Jon Stewart

"You know Ann Coulter? She was on CNBC today and she said 'Bill Clinton is gay.' Please, just because she's the only woman on the planet he wouldn't have sex with doesn't make him gay." --Jay Leno

"How 'bout that Saddam Hussein? I'm beginning to think the guy's wacky. He announced that if he's found guilty he would like to be shot. Sounds like a job for Cheney." --David Letterman

"A Tomahawk cruise missile fell off a truck in the Bronx this week. A cruise missile, isn't that unbelievable? You know what that means? There are now more weapons of mass destruction in the Bronx than there are in Iraq." --Jay Leno

"AT & T said in the second quarter their profits increased by 81%. So apparently, the government is paying them to listen to our phone calls." --Jay Leno

"Condoleezza Rice was in Rome and she visited the Vatican and all the priests were very happy to see her. And everybody kept asking her 'What's it like to be celibate?'." --David Letterman

"President Bush met with Iraqi Prime Minister Nouri al-Maliki and he spent the first hour trying to pronounce Nouri al-Maliki." --David Letterman

July 25, 2006

"President Bush has been very clear that, through his leadership, he has made the world safer. My question to you is simply this: how much safer can the world afford to have him make us?" --Jon Stewart, to Sen. John McCain

"We talk a lot about Iraq, the Middle East, and Baghdad in particular, which hasn't had what they call utility services. They haven't had water, electric return to the state the way they were before the war, but the United States isn't really doing so great with that here either." --Jon Stewart

"Humanitarian aid in the U.S. has begun arriving in Lebanon. The U.S. Government sent 10,000 medical kits, 20,000 blankets, $30 million cash and today the people of New Orleans said: 'They did what?'." --Jay Leno

"That's how it works these days. Troubled areas of the world, like the Middle East, they get American humanitarian aid. Untroubled areas like India -- they just get American jobs." --Jay Leno

"And this Friday, 'American Idol' winner Taylor Hicks will go to the White House and meet the President of the United States. Say what you want about Bush, he knows how to delegate. 'Condoleezza you go to Beirut, I'm going to be meeting with the 'American Idol' on Friday'." --Jay Leno

"Did you see the weather map today on the back of USA Today? I have never seen this before, all the states are red. It's like Karl Rove's dream come true." --Jay Leno

"Realize if Al Gore is right and the polar ice caps do melt, the entire state of Florida would be under water and he could finally win a presidential election." --Jay Leno

"Secretary of State Condoleezza Rice is in Beirut today, not on official business, just cooler there. She just wanted to cool off, get away from that heat." --Jay Leno

"And John Kerry said over the weekend, if he were president the current conflict wouldn't be happening because he would be more involved in the Middle East. More involved? Hey, Bush invaded the place. How could he get more involved than that?" --Jay Leno

July 24, 2006

"We're still on the road to World War III. Things were looking a little grim last week -- all those countries pressuring us to call for an immediate cease-fire, but we stayed strong. Sure, we sent over Condi Rice to negotiate, but she's not there for cease-fire. No, she's there for 'sustainable cease-fire,' which considering the Middle East, is like sending her to bring back Jimmy Hoffa on a unicorn." --Stephen Colbert

"After nearly two weeks of violence and mounting casualties on both sides, help is on the way. U.S. Secretary of State Condoleezza Rice finally cashed in her miles today and sprung for a surprise visit to Beirut's 'Oh my God, don't let them shoot down my plane with a Stinger missile' International Airport." --Jon Stewart

"But as some see mayhem and chaos in the violence, Rice sees chaos and makes 'mayhemade' [on screen: Rice saying, 'What we're seeing here, in a sense, is the growing birth pangs of a new Middle East']. Birth pangs? Yes, I believe today's contraction took out a city block." --Jon Stewart

"Yesterday Condoleezza Rice went into President Bush's office and said, 'I'm off to Lebanon.' And President Bush said, 'Vacation?'." --Jay Leno

"John Kerry said today that if he were president, the current conflict in the Middle East would not be happening. Then his wife Teresa said, 'Yes, I know dear. Just take out the trash.'." --Jay Leno

"Saddam Hussein has been on a hunger strike for seventeen days. They had to nurse him back to health with a feeding tube to get him healthy enough so he can go back on trial. And then be put to death. It is an odd thing. Two years ago, we were dropping ten thousand pound bombs on the guy. Now we're feeding him nutrients through a tube. No wonder he's confused." --Jimmy Kimmel

"We won the Miss Universe pageant. Meet Miss Puerto Rico, or as I call her, Miss 'U.S.A.'s Territory with Commonwealth Status' Puerto Rico. She is so beautiful, you almost want to let her vote in federal elections." --Stephen Colbert

"This Friday, 'American Idol' winner Taylor Hicks will go to the White House to meet with President Bush. That's pretty cool, isn't it? Imagine an awkward Southern guy, who nobody thought could win anything, sitting down with the 'American Idol,' Taylor Hicks." --Jay Leno

"Senator Hillary Rodham Clinton made an interesting statement. She said technology's getting so intrusive, she feared that soon American children will one day have a computer chip implanted in their brains. She said she is against that idea, however, she said she wouldn't mind having a low-jack installed in Bill's ass." --Jay Leno

"Earlier today, former President Bill Clinton campaigned for Senator Joe Lieberman. Clinton got the crowd so worked up that they had trouble sleeping through the Lieberman speech." --David Letterman

"The heat wave is breaking records all across America. It was so hot in Washington, people are sweating like President Bush trying to spell Hezbollah." --Jay Leno

"Happy Birthday to Senator Bob Dole. Bob Dole turned 83 on Saturday. Bob said today every year is a little harder for him, thanks to Viagra." --Jay Leno

July 21, 2006

"In the debate in the House the other day on banning gay marriage, Democratic Tennessee Congressman Lincoln Davis said we should go one step further and outlaw adultery and make it a felony. Have an affair and you can go to prison. And you thought a lot of congressmen went to jail for bribery. How overcrowded it is going to be now?" --Jay Leno

"On this date in 1969, do you know what happened? Neil Armstrong, first man to set foot on the moon. It's interesting now from this perspective: Sure we can put a man on the moon, but we still can't put a man on Condoleezza Rice." --David Letterman

"Despite the heat, President Bush is keeping busy. Earlier this week at the White House, President Bush met with the Prime Minister of India. There was an awkward moment when Bush asked the Indian Prime Minister, 'Now that you're here, could you see why my computer is acting up?'" --Conan O'Brien

"18-year-old former child star, Haley Joel Osment, was in a car wreck -- crashed his 1995 Saturn at 1 o'clock in the morning. He checked into the hospital under a different name. I can see why he's embarrassed. A Hollywood celebrity driving a 12-year-old Saturn? Actually, he claimed, he was just auditioning for the 'Patrick Kennedy Story'." --Jay Leno

July 20, 2006

"What a week for our president. Yesterday he lost his 'vetoginity' -- that a boy, George. And today, after six years of silence, he finally stood up and testified at the NAACP Convention in Washington. Now a lot of people assumed the president would get a chilly reception. Wrong. The NAACP embraced him. The man got huge applause. Take a look [on screen: Bush receiving applause after saying, 'I understand many African Americans distrust my political party']. Showered with love." --Stephen Colbert

"The stem cell research bill passed both houses of Congress, but yesterday, the president vetoed the bill surrounded by the so-called snowflake children. So named because no two are alike, and they're all white. ....Snowflake children are the product of frozen embryos that were adopted rather than discarded. They were there to illustrate why embryonic stem cell research is wrong, even though those children wouldn't exist if not for intensive embryonic research, but let's not think about it." --Jon Stewart

On White House press secretary Tony Snow classifying civilian casualties as a lamentable side effect of war: "It's not murder, it's a lamentable side effect. The upset stomach and diarrhea of freedom, if you will." --Jon Stewart (Watch video clip)

"It's continuing to be hot down there in Washington, D.C. As a matter of fact it's so hot, President Bush talked to the NAACP just for the cool reception....He spoke for ten minutes and then he gave back rubs." --David Letterman

"For the first time in his presidency, President Bush addressed the NAACP convention. For five years he was asked to appear at the NAACP, but didn't make it. Well, that's nothing. He was asked to appear at the National Guard for six years and never made any of those." --Jay Leno

"Actually, it almost didn't happen. When President Bush overheard a couple of staff members saying he was going to give a speech at the NAACP, Bush got mad. He said, 'You can't fool me, I know what that spells.'" --Jay Leno

"There was one embarrassing moment today for President Bush when they phoned the Pentagon about evacuating Lebanese-Americans. He said, 'I didn't even know Dick Cheney's daughter was over there.'" --Jay Leno

"Vice President Dick Cheney said today when it comes to war, Americans need to know where he stands. Forget the war, I want to know where he stands when he goes on a hunting trip." --Jay Leno

"The Globe reports that North Korean dictator Kim Jong-Il raises money by selling fake Viagra pills. What it is about this guy? None of his missiles seem to launch." --Jay Leno

"In Washington this week, Democratic Congressman Lincoln Davis from Tennessee said that we should outlaw adultery and make it a felony. You know what you call a Democrat who comes out against adultery? A Republican." --Jay Leno

July 19, 2006

"Earlier today, President Bush vetoed funding for stem cell research. See, I don't think he really understands these issues. President Bush said today, 'Stem cells may be dangerous, especially if people talk on them while driving.'" --Jay Leno

"A lot of people are complaining about how long it's taking to evacuate Americans from Lebanon. Lebanon? We couldn't even evacuate Americans from New Orleans." --Jay Leno

"People still talking about President Bush's use of a four-letter word at the G-8 Summit. It's not a big deal, President Bush using a four-letter word. Now if President Bush used a four-syllable word, that would be unbelievable." --Jay Leno

"In a speech, Vice President Dick Cheney said, 'Either we are serious about this war or we are not.' Of course, people didn't know if he meant the war in Iraq, the war in Afghanistan, the war against people who disagree with him." --Jay Leno

"The Middle East crisis continues right now. Everyone's trying to leave the area. Americans stuck in Lebanon say they're frustrated because other countries seem to be evacuating their citizens faster. On the bright side, we're almost finished evacuating New Orleans." --Conan O'Brien

"To be fair, we are getting Americans out. Earlier today, 1,000 Americans were evacuated from Lebanon aboard a cruise ship called the 'Orient Queen.' The evacuation should go twice as fast once the 'Orient Queen' is joined by its sister ship, the 'Asian Flamer.'" --Conan O'Brien

"President Bush is back in Washington. He's back from the big G-8 Summit in Russia. President Bush said he got a lot of s--- done." --David Letterman

"Apparently the G-8 Summit was not that successful. Only one good thing came out of the G-8 Summit. They issued a desperate plea to Superman." --David Letterman

"President Bush made a number of gaffes at the G-8 Summit. One of them -- he gave a neck rub to the Chancellor of Germany. So you know what that means? He's drinking again." --David Letterman

"President Bush will be addressing the NAACP tomorrow. This will give him a chance to communicate his vision to the black community, or at least give them something to goof on." --David Letterman

"Big day today. Our boy George has become a man. George W. Bush has finally lost his veto virginity. He gave it to stem cell research good. The president wanted to make the first time special -- and I'm not condoning this -- he did it in front of a bunch of kids." --Stephen Colbert

"Congratulations, Mr. President. I was getting worried. You had been in office for almost six years and hadn't done the dirty deed yet. Now the first time you do it, it's always a little awkward, so don't feel bad that you end up vetoing a bill that two-thirds of the country supports. But now that the first one is over, you're going to want to do it over and over. You're going to want to put your pen on anything that looks remotely like legislation. . I got some good news in that area. You're probably going to have a lot of bills to veto after this November when the Democrats take back Congress." --Stephen Colbert

"The NAACP is holding their annual convention in Washington and tomorrow, the president is going to speak. Though they have their differences with President Bush, the NAACP has invited him to speak at every convention for the past five years. And the president has responded the way any great civil rights leader would -- with a boycott." --Stephen Colbert

July 18, 2006

"A lot of people were offended by President Bush using a four-letter word at the G-8 Summit the other day. Were you offended? I was more offended by the way he eats a buttered roll in front of company." --Jay Leno

"White House press secretary Tony Snow says that when President Bush was told he was recorded saying a four-letter word, he rolled his eyes and laughed it off, which is ironic. Bush is now reacting to himself the way everybody else does." --Jay Leno

"The situation in the Mideast is not looking good. Yesterday Vice President Dick Cheney said when it comes to war, Americans need to know where he stands. I don't even know where he stands with those seven deferments. I think it's near the back." --Jay Leno

"We have 25,000 English-speaking people in Lebanon. That's more than there are in L.A." --Jay Leno

"More rockets were fired into Israel today. Israel responded by bombing more targets inside Lebanon. Now there's talk the U.S. might send some troops over there to help with border security. That's when you know the people over there are in trouble, when they start asking our advice on border security." --Jay Leno

"A lot of military experts are wondering how the U.S. can stop Israel from getting bombed. Israel, we can't even stop Pete Coors from getting bombed." --Jay Leno

"The Coors Brewing Company CEO, Pete Coors, had his license revoked after being arrested for drunk driving last May. Well, at least he was using the product." --Jay Leno

"Still no letup in the Mideast crisis. Israeli planes have been dropping thousands of leaflets that warn Lebanese citizens to stay away from Hezbollah members. The leaflets also promote a special at Nate 'n Al's Deli in Tel Aviv." --Conan O'Brien

"The U.S. government has chartered a cruise ship to evacuate Americans stuck in Lebanon. Officials say their first priority is getting everyone out of Lebanon. Their second priority is organizing a shuffleboard tournament on the Lido deck." --Conan O'Brien

"I hope you've heard the great news, America. We are winning. Yesterday, the New York Times made an announcement. They're reducing the width of their newspaper by an inch and a half. That's an inch and a half less of state secrets revealed every day." --Stephen Colbert

"The chancellor of Germany disengaged herself from the president of the United States using a move she learned in date rape prevention class. ... If that was Clinton going in for Merkel, somehow her bra would be off." --Jon Stewart, on Bush groping German Chancellor Angela Merkel

"Since the bombing began, Israel has tried to make it clear Hezbollah and Syria are to blame for Lebanon's current nightmare. To that end, Israeli warplanes have dropped thousands of leaflets on Beirut over the last few days showing a caricature of Hezbollah chief Hassan Nasrallah as a cobra threatening the Lebanese capital. And really, what a great idea, because if there's anything that calms the Arab world down, it's a cartoon." --Jon Stewart

"It's so hot the pirates of the Caribbean kidnapped Hillary Clinton just for the cold booty." --Jay Leno

"President Bush says he is personally working on a solution for global warming. He says thanks to Republicans, soon every American will receive a voucher for a free popsicle." --Jay Leno

"President Bush said he might send Condoleezza Rice over to the Middle East to help solve it. Condoleezza Rice? Send Naomi Campbell. Have her slap a few of those people around." --Jay Leno

"A heat wave is gripping the entire country. This week scientists in Boulder, Colorado, installed what they call 'an early warning system to detect global warming.' The scientists say that they call their global warming detection device a 'thermometer.'" --Conan O'Brien

"We set an all-time record for power consumption here in California yesterday. Our governor, Arnold Schwarzenegger, whom you may know from such movies as 'Kindergarten Cop,' has been urging Californians to try and conserve energy, which is interesting to hear from a guy who drives a Hummer the size of an elementary school." --Jimmy Kimmel

"So hot today down in Washington, D.C., President Bush said, 'Maybe there is something with the global warming s**t.'." --David Letterman

"President Bush is back from the G-8 Summit over there in Russia. The G-8 Summit went very well. Today the world leaders announced they are still very close to finding a replacement for Star Jones." --David Letterman

July 17, 2006

"That's the big story -- President Bush being recorded using a four-letter word at the G-8 Summit in Russia. At first everyone thought he had mispronounced the word 'Shiite.'" --Jay Leno

"Actually, it's kind of ironic. President Bush listening in on everyone else's phone calls and now he gets caught saying something he shouldn't." --Jay Leno

"It's so hot today, George W. Bush told Al Roker to stop doing that [beeped]. That's what President Bush said at the G-8 Summit. He was overheard using dirty language at the G-8 Summit and not only that, later he was ejected for head-butting." --David Letterman

"President Bush is in Russia for the G-8 Summit and he has an agenda. A lot of people are stunned -- he has an agenda? He wants to talk about the hot spots in the world. He wants to talk about fighting in the Middle East. He wants to talk about missiles in North Korea. He wants to talk about 'Pirates in the Caribbean'." --David Letterman

"President George W. Bush is in Russia right now for the G-8 Conference. The G-8 is the annual meeting of the leaders of the world's largest economic powers. Next month they'll have the V-8 Conference. I think the president drinks vegetable juice." --Jimmy Kimmel

"President Bush is quite a character. Whenever he gives a speech, he babbles like a neighbor you caught at the adult video store. But off-camera, he's kind of a casual, regular guy. He was talking to British Prime Minister Tony Blair and he didn't realize the microphone was on. They were talking about the situation in the Middle East and our president got caught saying the 's' word. .I am appalled. I want to urge all Americans to write a letter to the FCC demanding that this potty mouth be fined heavily and immediately." --Jimmy Kimmel

"Apparently at the G-8 luncheon, the president, not realizing his mic was on, made some comments about Syria, Kofi Annan and Diet Coke. Diet Coke came out on top. Anyway, the mainstream media seems to think we have a right to know what he said to Tony Blair. Well, we don't folks. If we need to know, it would have been put in a press release. I've said it before, reporting is putting press releases into your own words." --Stephen Colbert

"Those of you following the Iraq war on television know that it has been pre-empted by the summer action-packed replacement series, 'Lebanon.' It's new. It's scary, but it's important for everyone to remain calm and keep the situation in perspective [on screen: various politicians calling the situation World War III]. .... So rest of the news media, stop calling it a 'regional conflict' or a 'police action.' It's a World War III.or IV. Adjust your graphics accordingly." --Stephen Colbert

"A tip of my hat to Iraqi television for airing the TV show, 'Iraqi Star'-- a show very similar to our own 'American Idol,' as if you needed any more proof that democracy is on the march in Iraq. Iraqis are voting. . for their next pop superstar. Mission accomplished. This was all part of the Bush administration's secret plan titled, 'Operation Enduring Secrest' [on screen: picture of 'American Idol' host Ryan Secrest]." --Stephen Colbert

"A wag of the finger for the state of Arizona. According to the Arizona Republic, the state is considering a new voting initiative that would 'use unclaimed Arizona Lottery prize money to provide a $1 million reward to one randomly selected voter after each general election.' First of all, if you're going to play the lottery, you shouldn't even bother until it hits at least $150 million. What am I supposed to do with $1 million? But more importantly, enticing people to register by bribing them attracts the wrong kind of voter -- the poor kind. If you want to get the right people at the polls, offer one lucky voter a capital gains tax cut." --Stephen Colbert

"Apparently our fearless leader caused quite a stir at the G-8 Summit when microphones captured him in an unguarded moment [on screen: Bush saying, 'See, the irony is that what they need to do is, to get Syria to get Hezbollah to stop doing this shit and it's over.'] Naturally, the media is making a big deal about the president cursing. Ohh, salty language. Do you know how lucky we are that that's all that was caught? I'm impressed the president was on topic. You know, there's just as good of a chance that the microphones could have picked up him pointing out some [German Chancellor Angela] Merkel cameltoe." --Jon Stewart

"Some of Bush's other comments, however, were less focused [on screen: Bush saying, 'I'm not going to talk too damn long like the rest of them. Some of these guys talk too long.'] Come on Condi, you got to crumble the Ritalin into his food or he's not taking it." --Jon Stewart

"The worst part about this heat wave across the country is Al Gore walking around going, 'I told you so.'" --Jay Leno

"Actually, Al Gore's movie on global warming is correct. The ice caps are shrinking. The glaciers are shrinking. The only thing not shrinking? Al Gore." --Jay Leno

"The United States is trying to evacuate 5,000 of our citizens from Lebanon, but the Pentagon says it's hard to move people across the border without any paperwork. You know what we should do? Ask the Mexican government to help. They moved 12 million people over the border with no paperwork." --Jay Leno

"President Bush has been overseas. He just got back today. While he was in Germany, President Bush praised the German people on their contributions that the country has made. He said, 'If it wasn't for Germany, there would be nothing to watch on the History Channel.'" --Jay Leno

"Valerie Plame. You know who she is? She was the CIA agent whose name was leaked to the press and is now suing Vice President Dick Cheney for violating her constitutional rights. She's suing Dick Cheney. Is that smart? Even the guy who Dick Cheney shot in the face isn't suing him -- and he's a lawyer." --Jay Leno

"In Colorado, the president of Coors Beer, Pete Coors, who lost the race for U.S. Senate a while back, was arrested for drunk driving back in May. I can't believe he didn't win the Senate race. You get busted for drunk driving, you try to cover it up. He's obviously qualified to be senator." --Jay Leno

"Police in Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania, have arrested an 80-year-old man and charged him with selling crack. It's so sad to see what's happened to Dan Rather." --Jay Leno

"The man who founded the Hooters restaurant chain has passed away at the age of 69. In honor of his passing, former President Bill Clinton flew his pants at half mass." --Jay Leno

Jokes for the Week of July 9-15

"Tense situation right now in the Middle East. ... Earlier today, Israel completely destroyed Hezbollah's TV station in Lebanon. The attack occurred half way through an episode of 'Everybody Loves Hackalackal.'" --Conan O'Brien

"This morning the Vatican weighed in on the crisis. The Vatican came out and condemned Israel's attacks on Lebanon ... which is great, because all day yesterday, the Jews and Muslims were asking, 'What do the Catholics think?'" --Conan O'Brien

"President Bush had an awkward moment today. Did you hear about this? While President Bush was greeting crowds in Germany today, he grabbed a baby from its mother and the baby burst into tears. President Bush says he doesn't care how much the baby cries, he's keeping the blankey." --Conan O'Brien

"Russia announced that it is willing to store nuclear waste from other countries. A spokesperson for Russia said, 'Our goal is to be the New Jersey of Europe.'" --Conan O'Brien

"In a speech yesterday, California Governor Arnold Schwarzenegger announced that he 'supports lessening our dependence on foreign oil.' Unfortunately, it came out sounding more like, 'I support lesbian independence for all.'" --Conan O'Brien

"When it gets hot, so hot you can't stand it and the steam is rising from your scalp, do you worry about global warming? Well, George Bush is now also worried about global warming, but he has a plan. He's going to invade the sun." --David Letterman

"The FBI has busted three guys who stole secrets from Coca-Cola and were going to sell them to Pepsi. Espionage. ... I mean Osama bin Laden is still running around, but by God we got these guys." --David Letterman

"President Bush has now jumped on the Al Gore bandwagon. He told People Magazine he's working on a solution for global warming, but, see, I don't think he really understands it. What he actually said was, when it comes to global warming, he's been burning the midnight oil." --Jay Leno

"According to an AP poll, 66% of people say it is okay to lie under certain circumstances, to which the oil companies said, 'That's what we've been trying to tell everybody.'" --Jay Leno

"Oil hit an all-time high today. $78 a barrel and they say it could get even higher in the event of trouble in the Middle East. Thank God we're okay there." --Jay Leno

"Speaking of that, a Fox News crew was shot at on live TV as they revealed detailed information about Israeli troop movements. Now we're not 100% sure who did the shooting, but the interesting part is the shooting stopped as soon as they found out Geraldo wasn't there." --Jay Leno

"Did you know Beirut, Lebanon, is L.A.'s sister city? It's true. Well it's a desert with foreign speaking people, nonstop gunfire. Perfect really." --Jay Leno

"In Russia, President Bush met with 15 pro-democracy activists, who asked him to help stop the Russian government from spying on their citizens and listening in on their phone calls. Bush said, 'Yeah, just give me your name and number.' I think they're barking up the wrong tree." --Jay Leno

"I don't know if this is a coincidence or not, but Ken Lay died last week and today, Hell filed for bankruptcy." --Jay Leno

"It was announced that Ken Lay's body will be cremated and a lot of people are, of course, very upset about this ... that they waited to do this until after he died." --Jay Leno

"According to the New York Times, lawyers are almost four times more likely to get depressed than other people, especially lawyers who go hunting with Dick Cheney." --Jay Leno

"Evidently, low approval ratings can be contracted through saliva." --Stephen Colbert, on the effect of President Bush kissing Joe Lieberman (Watch video clip)

"New York is on a heightened state of alert. ... They say New Yorkers should be aware of suspicious activity. I'm thinking, 'Hell, that's our number one industry'" --David Letterman

"A lot of trouble in the Middle East right now between Lebanon and Israel. ... Last night Israel bombed the runways at Beirut's airport, putting a stop on all flights in and out. So I'm sorry everybody, you're just gonna have to cancel that relaxing weekend getaway to Beirut." --Conan O'Brien

"Of course, world leaders are getting involved in the crisis right now. Earlier today Germany's chancellor called for the attacks on Israel to stop. After hearing about it, a spokesperson for Israel said, 'You know things are bad when Germany's got your back'." -Conan O'Brien

"At a joint press conference with President Bush, German Chancellor Angela Merkel called for a 'de-escalation of Mid-East violence.' Later, Bush called for both sides to 'de-angrify' and 'de-hurt' each other." -Conan O'Brien

"It's been a very busy and somewhat disturbing day throughout the world. President Bush was overseas in Germany as events unfolded. Here is his press conference with Chancellor Angela Merkel in Germany where he wasted no time addressing the many troubling developments [on screen: Bush saying, 'I'm looking forward to the feast you're going to have tonight. I understand I may have the honor of slicing the pig']. He may have the honor of slicing the pig? I'm just going to assume that is some euphemism for solving the Middle East crisis" --Jon Stewart

"A whole lot of turmoil this week, so let's get right to it. Starting as always with ... the Middle East. This week, the area's usual subconscious depression collided with storms of violent anger moving on from Israel on up to Gaza and straight on up through to Lebanon. By the way, if you're in the Mid-East, this is your 6,021 straight week of seething rage, and guess what guys? That's a new record, breaking the old mark of 6,020 weeks set by you last week. ... Moving on over to the East, a severe crazy front [on screen: picture of North Korean Dictator Kim Jong-Il] could move into nearby Japan as a cloud of crippling fear" --Daily Show correspondent Jason Jones

"President Bush is in Germany right now. One embarrassing moment when he asked the German Chancellor if he could see the site where they filmed 'Hogan's Heroes.'" --Jay Leno

"Iraq's Prime Minister warned today that he would not hesitate to shut down any biased news media outlets. I didn't know they had the New York Times in Iraq." -Jay Leno

"Washington, D.C. Police Chief Charles Ramsey declared a crime emergency in that city. He said crime is out of control. He says it's caused mainly by two rival gangs -- the Republicans and the Democrats. ... It's gotten so bad now that Ted Kennedy won't go to a liquor store after dark." -Jay Leno

"Homeland Security expects to have a new warning system in place by the end of the year that will warn you of a national emergency on your cell phone. They will call you on your cell phone if we are under attack or there's a tornado or there's a hurricane. Of course the important question for most Americans -- 'Does that use up our minutes?'" -Jay Leno

"According to a new poll, 65% of those asked said it is sometimes okay to lie ... especially if you're giving the eulogy at Ken Lay's funeral. ... At Ken Lay's funeral yesterday, the minister compared him to Martin Luther King, Jr. The difference is Dr. King had a dream, Ken Lay had a scheme." -Jay Leno

"Ken Lay's only been dead a week, but already has a book out. It's called, 'The Five People You Meet In Hell.'" -Jay Leno

"You're asking yourself where's President Bush? I'll tell you where he is. He's in Europe preparing for the G8 Summit and he's very excited. He thinks it's a conference on vegetable juice" --David Letterman

"President Bush had a phone conversation with the astronauts aboard the space shuttle. The odd thing is President Bush was the only one wearing a space helmet." --Conan O'Brien

"President Bush left for the G8 Summit today in Russia. The White House says he's going to try and convince other world leaders to develop nuclear power. Apparently, it's working, because so far, Bush has convinced Iran and North Korea." --Conan O'Brien

"Last year the U.S. Army missed it's recruiting goal. But this year not only did they meet their goal, they exceeded it. They got 80,000 recruits. The bad news is all 80,000 of them used their connections to get in the Texas National Guard." --Jimmy Kimmel

"According to a series of just published letters that Albert Einstein sent to his second wife, he had ten mistresses. He would send his wife letters about his mistresses and then ask her for advice. Or as Bill Clinton called him, 'a trailblazer, a pioneer.'" --Jay Leno

"President Bush went to Germany today. Did not go well. When he landed, he kept asking to see the Berlin Wall." --Jay Leno

"President Bush said we should be patient with North Korea. He said we should use diplomacy. We should not rush into any kind of military action until we are sure, absolutely sure, what we are doing. At which point Dick Cheney grabbed him by the throat and said, 'What have you done with the real President Bush?'" --Jay Leno

"Republican Congressman Pete Hoekstra has charged the Bush administration with keeping programs secret from Congress. Somehow no one from Congress reads the New York Times, I guess." --Jay Leno

"Anybody here from Washington, D.C.? Anybody going to Washington, D.C.? Be careful. Crime is on the rise in Washington, D.C. It's bad down there. As a matter of fact, congressmen are afraid to walk around with their bribe money. ... It's so bad that today Lincoln was found duct taped to his chair." --David Letterman

"Services were held today for Ken Lay -- convicted thief and crook Ken Lay. They folded his arms across his chest and sowed his sleeves together so he couldn't put his hands in anyone's pockets when they walked by." --Jay Leno

"You know when they say in a eulogy, 'You're all richer for having known him.' I don't think they're going to hear that." --Jay Leno

"If I could ask Ken Lay one question right now, do you know what it would be? Does the Devil really wear Prada?" --Jay Leno

"A former mobster from Philadelphia said there was a plan to kill Geraldo Rivera. Unfortunately, it was foiled. Nobody was able to sneak up behind Geraldo because he's always looking in the mirror."

"'You, Me and Dupree' ... is about a guest with good intentions that just won't leave, or as the Iraqis call the movie, 'Bush, Cheney and me'"

"President Bush announced that the federal deficit is actually $296 billion less than originally forecast. It's less, yeah. The president credits low unemployment, high job growth, and the fact that he did the math himself." --Conan O'Brien

"Secretary of Defense Donald Rumsfeld was in Afghanistan today where he promised to defeat the Taliban. Didn't we do that already? He's also sworn we will soon capture Saddam Hussein." --Jimmy Kimmel

"Japan says they're now considering whether attacking North Korea's missile sites would violate their Constitution. Imagine that. Government leaders worried about violating their Constitution. That's something you don't see anymore." --Jay Leno

"President Bush said today we should be patient with North Korea and use diplomacy and not rush into any kind of military actions. You know what that means? No oil over there." --Jay Leno

"Republican Congressman Pete Hoekstra has charged the Bush administration with keeping programs secret from Congress. If President Bush really wants to keep his programs a secret, talk to NBC. Some of our programs are so secret, no one has seen them." --Jay Leno

"President Bush told People magazine this week that he's working on a solution for global warming. He says it will be ready in less than six months. Yeah, it's called winter." --Jay Leno

"Earlier last week the leftist candidate was declared the winner in the Mexican presidential election. Then after the recount, the conservative candidate was named president. Apparently, they had some problem with the ballots. They had what they called 'Hanging Juans.'" --Jay Leno

"Now the losing candidate, the liberal, is asking for a ballot recount of all 41 million votes. Conservatives say there aren't enough people to do the work. I have an idea. Why don't we send them some of our temporary guest workers?." --Jay Leno

"Last week convicted Enron crook Ken Lay died of a heart attack. They announced they were going to cremate him. Where he's going, why bother?." --Jay Leno

"The annual G8 summit of the wealthiest nations gets underway tomorrow. Officials say this year the hardest part will be keeping the leader of France from head butting the leader of Italy." --Conan O'Brien

"This week Geraldo Rivera went to Philadelphia to investigate what he says was a plot to kill him. So far, Geraldo has narrowed down the suspects to anyone who owns a television." --Conan O'Brien

"Hot in New York City today, isn't it? It was so hot up in Chappaqua Bill Clinton got in bed with Hillary just for the chills." --David Letterman

"Any online gamblers here? Well, Congress is looking in shutting that down. There's going to be a massive congressional investigation of online gambling and they're going to shut it down. And when they get done with that, they're going to look into this North Korean thing." --David Letterman

"Today is a historic day. On this day in 1804 Vice President Aaron Burr shot Alexander Hamilton. A vice president shooting a guy? I mean, luckily something like that couldn't happen today." --David Letterman

"This just in from hell: Ken Lay swindled al-Zarqawi out of his pension." --David Letterman

"Enron's president, Ken Lay, passed away last week. So I guess even God lost money on that Enron deal. I believe the official cause of death was listed as 'karma.' The family asked in lieu of flowers, please send some elderly retiree's entire life savings." --Jay Leno

"Now the detainees at Guantanamo will be treated in accordance with the Geneva Conventions. The government is going the extra mile. Each one of them will also be receiving -- and this, I think, is exciting -- a Valpak savings envelope from Smart Shopper. I mean, just a plethora of discounts for airport travel, pizza, dry cleaning, dog food. I tell ya, these guys have really hit the lottery." --Jon Stewart

"North Korean Dictator Kim Jong-Il thought he could get away with firing seven missiles into the Sea of Japan in a test of his new long range rocket technology. Six of his missiles worked, but the one capable of reaching America with a nuclear payload blew up in mid-air. That was, of course, the infamous Taepodong-2, which, since it is still incapable of destroying the West Coast remains a particularly amusing name." --Jon Stewart

"The security of the world is threatened by Kim Jong-Il, a nerdy pompadour, platform shoe wearer who looks like something you would put on the end of your child's pencil." --Jon Stewart

"Authorities in New York City have foiled a plot by terrorists to blow up the Holland Tunnel. There was one awkward moment when officials informed President Bush the Holland Tunnel was safe. Bush then thanked the Dutch authorities for all their help." --Jay Leno

"We finally found some weapons of mass destruction. The bad news? They're in North Korea. Boy, that Saddam is sneaky." --Jay Leno

"So the World Cup is over and now we can finally get back to our national pastime, which is not watching soccer." --Jimmy Kimmel

"Mexico had a problem with their election last week. Very, very close and returns are still coming in from Van Nuys, Rancho Cucamonga, San Jose." --Jay Leno

"The Japanese Prime Minister joined the United States in condemning North Korea's missile policy. The Japanese Prime Minister was really upset when he found out they had missiles that could reach Graceland." --Jay Leno

"They said these North Korean missiles had enough range to hit Seattle, but residents in Seattle were not worried. Today Bill Gates said Microsoft has enough missiles to destroy North Korea ten times over." --Jay Leno

"Congratulations to the Italian people for winning the World Cup. They won after France's best player got ejected for headbutting. That's the closest anyone in a French uniform has come to combat in 60 years." --Jay Leno

"Just about now Ken Lay should be arriving in hell." --David Letterman

"The CIA special unit that was searching for Osama bin Laden has been disbanded. So I guess, mission accomplished." --David Letterman

"I want to wish a belated birthday to our president. George W. Bush celebrated the big 6-0 on Thursday. When you realize President Bush and Jessica Simpson were born in the same week, maybe there is something to this astrology stuff." --Jimmy Kimmel

"Of the over 100,000 wildfires that happen in the U.S. each year, not a single one would get started without the fire triangle: Oxygen, heat and fuel. Fire needs all three to exist. It's like the three branches of our government: Legislative, judicial and executive. The fewer there are, the safer we are." --Stephen Colbert

"We've been on vacation for a week. Since we left, North Korea fired a missile at Hawaii and I believe al Qaeda was thinking about blowing up the Holland Tunnel." --Jon Stewart

"They're coming at us. And today, there was an explosion on the East Side of Manhattan. A big townhouse blew up. So I just want to say to North Korea and to al Qaeda, 'We'll blow our own s*** up. We don't need you.'." --Jon Stewart

"Mexico is enjoying a bit of American style democracy. The recent election between conservative Felipe Calderon and leftist Andres Obrador was too close to call, went to a contested recount and is now facing protest and legal action. Gee, I hope Mexico doesn't descend into chaos, with many of its residents fleeing its borders." --Jon Stewart

"While the Mexicans are fighting over which president they want, the Polish have decided to double their pleasure by naming Jaroslaw Kaczynskias Prime Minister on Saturday, joining his twin brother, Lech, who is the current president. How to tell the Kaczynskias apart? Well, follow the guidelines provided by Sunday's Washington Post: 'Lech is distinguished by two extra moles on his face; Jaroslaw is the unmarried brother who lives with their mother.'." --Jon Stewart

"Here are the rules of campaign trail kissing for a male politician: If you're campaigning to a group of men, no kissing. Firm handshakes only. Middle-aged women you could go for a hand or cheek kiss. Toddlers...anything not covered by clothes, you can kiss. If you lift something up, you're asking for trouble. Now the good news, babies -- pretty much open season -- anywhere but the anus." --Jon Stewart

Jokes for the Weeks of June 25-July 8

"A prominent polish politician in Poland, escaped a drunk driving arrest after he told the police he was only using vodka as a mouthwash. And today, Patrick Kennedy said, "That's what happened to me." --Jay Leno

"To his credit President Bush knew all the protocol when meeting a Japanese prime minister. He's had a lot of practice bowing to oil company executives." --Jay Leno

"The senate has held hearings on President Bush's use of 'signing statements'. Do you know what that is? It's a proclamation which lets the president sign a bill and limit what parts apply to him. The Democrats are acting like this is something new. It's not. It's the same thing Bill Clinton used when he signed his marriage license." --Jay Leno

"Earlier today President Bush took Japanese Prime Minister Koizumi to Graceland. The prime minister is a huge Elvis fan. There was one embarrassing moment when President Bush made the Japanese prime minister promise that when he visits Japan, he will take him to the Godzilla museum." --Jay Leno

"How about the weather in Washington? Oh my God. The rain, or as they're calling it, Al Gore's revenge." --Jay Leno

"At the White House President Bush was going to have a screening of Al Gore's movie on global warming, but they cancelled it because the theater was flooded." --Jay Leno

"Republican Senator Charles Grassley of Iowa proposing a tax on pimps and prostitutes. So apparently, it really is hard out there for a pimp.." --Jay Leno

"A lot of political gossip out there. Looks like there's problems in the Democratic ranks. It seems tensions between Hillary Clinton and Senate Democratic Leader Harry Reid are reportedly so high that it's almost like Hillary is married to him.." --Jay Leno

"Man, it is hot. It was so hot today Star Jones called Barbara Walters just for the cold shoulder.." --David Letterman

"Last weekend Rush Limbaugh was arrested at an airport because he had illegal Viagra. So apparently, Dick Cheney isn't the only Republican who's locked and loaded." --David Letterman

"This week President Bush urged the Senate to give him line item veto power. Later the president said that line item veto power would be nice, but what he really wants is X-ray vision." --Conan O'Brien

"President Bush is criticizing the New York Times for revealing how we track terrorists' money. He's also criticized the Times for not having the funny pages." --David Letterman

"Military commanders in Iraq say the day is fast approaching when we will start withdrawing our troops. I believe that day is called Election Day." --Jay Leno

"Every time the president comes up with a new secret tactic to down al Qaeda, the media blows its cover: torture, monitoring our phone calls, monitoring our e-mails, secret prisons. All perfectly reasonable temporary concessions of freedom that will only be in effect as long as our never-ending war on terror. Well last week, the New York Times did it again folks. Now, I don't want to give to much information away on what they revealed, because a large percentage of my audience is terrorists." --Stephen Colbert

"In a speech in Washington, D.C., Delaware Senator Joe Biden said although he wants to be president, he'd rather be at home making love to his wife. Which is ironic, because Bill Clinton said the same thing. He said he'd rather be home making love to Joe Biden's wife too." --Jay Leno

"While our young men and women battle valiantly in Iraq, the older men and women who sent them there are locked in a similar struggle -- albeit rhetorical -- carefully choosing their fighting words over here, because they'll never have to actually go over there." --Jon Stewart

"People are happy that Superman is back. But the film itself, is uh, I don't want to say its dull but all it is for two hours Superman talks about global warming" --David Letterman

"Well it's Tuesday, or as Rush Limbaugh calls it, hump day." --Jay Leno

"What is it with Republicans and Viagra? First Bob Dole, he was doing the ads for Viagra. Now you got Rush Limbaugh. Say what you want about Bill Clinton, but the man was always there to answer the call, ladies and gentlemen" --Jay Leno

"Rush Limp-baugh was detained for more than three hours at the Palm Beach Airport after officials found a bottle of Viagra in his possesion with someone else's name on it. Oooooooooooh. How ironic is that: the one Republican with a plan to get cheap prescription drugs and they try to arrest him." --Jay Leno

"A powerful storm in Washington, D.C. knocked over a 100-year-old Elm tree on the White House lawn. President Bush was not hurt because he was playing in a different tree at the time" --Conan O'Brien

"The White House is mad at the New York Times because they broke the story that the White House is secretly tracking our banking transactions. They're looking out for when people suddenly withdraw large amounts of cash -- you know, either terrorists or people who need to fill up their SUV." --Jay Leno

"In fact, President Bush is so angry at the New York Times he said today he's not even going to pretend to read it anymore." --Jay Leno

"And terrible rains in Washington, D.C. this week. In fact, Karl Rove's office was leaking again." --Jay Leno

"Actually, major flooding struck all parts of the federal government. You know the FEMA office had over three feet of water in it. And here's the sad part: They still don't know." --Jay Leno

"Good news America. The Senate is debating a flag burning amendment and we are close to making flag burning a crime. The problem: we're one vote shy." --Stephen Colbert

"Evidently there aren't enough flag burning in the news now. Is there no one who loves our flag enough to burn one just to remind us how horrible it is?" --Stephen Colbert

"The other day a 140-year-old tree fell on the White House lawn because of the storm. Well actually, it was a combination of factors that brought the tree down: the weather, the age of the tree, and of course, Patrick Kennedy's car." --Jay Leno

"The flooding was so bad in Washington that New Orleans Mayor Ray Nagin called the president and said, 'You're on your own pal.'" --Jay Leno

"Today Warren Buffett announced he's giving away his multi-billion dollar fortune to charity rather than leaving it to his kids. He said he doesn't believe someone's son should inherit his father's position in society. Today President Bush had him put under surveillance." --Jay Leno

"President Bush will not concede that global warming may have something to do with this crazy weather though he has been conducting all official business wearing floaties." --Jimmy Kimmel

"Bad times on the East Coast as much of Washington, D.C. is flooded. Several government agencies had to close down including the Justice Department, the IRS and the National Zoo. FEMA headquarters floated away." --Jimmy Kimmel

"The Census Bureau revealed today that Las Vegas is about to pass Washington, D.C. in population. The big difference between Las Vegas and D.C., of course, is that in Las Vegas people gamble with their own money." --Jay Leno

"Rush Limbaugh was detained at Palm Beach International Airport today for alleged possession of prescription drugs that didn't have his name on them. The news reports said he had prescriptions with two different doctors' names on them. One of the drugs was Viagra. Actually, the reason that he flies with Viagra is because if helps to prevent the person sitting in front of him from reclining his seat too far back." --Jimmy Kimmel

"Have you seen these huge rain storms all the way from Minnesota to New York? Or as Al Gore is calling it, global leaking." --Jay Leno

"Heavy rains caused so much flooding in Washington, D.C. today that they had to close down the National Archives where they keep the Constitution. They had to close it down. Luckily the Bush administration isn't using the Constitution anymore." --Jay Leno

"They also had flooding at the Internal Revenue Service and had to close that down. They said some records may have been lost. Good." --Jay Leno

"He hasn't been affected by the rain. He's been able to get around just fine on the presidential boogie board, Cowabunga One." --Jimmy Kimmel

(on AG Alberto Gonzales announcing that the seven men arrested in Miami with suspected ties to al Qaeda were going to wage a full ground war against the United States): "Seven guys? I am not a general. I am not in any way affiliated with a military academy, but I believe if you are going to wage a full ground war against the United States, you need to field at least as many people as, say, a softball team." --Jon Stewart

"A 140 year-old tree on the White House grounds fell over. The minute the tree fell over President Bush wasted no time in blaming it on the New York Times." --Jay Leno

"Do you know this story? Today President Bush criticized the New York Times for revealing a government program to spy on people's bank accounts. President Bush defended it. Bush said, 'If you want to figure out what bad people are doing, follow the money.' He's right. That's how we got Tom DeLay." --Jay Leno

Jokes for the Week of June 18-24

"The National Academy of Sciences says that due to pollution and global warming, this year the Earth has been the hottest since the time of Jesus which explains why the disciples were always saying, 'Jesus, it's hot.'" --Conan O'Brien

"The United States is out of World Cup soccer. We've been eliminated. The U.S. loses this thing every four years. It's like we're Democrats." --Jay Leno

"Is it me or has Al Gore put on a little weight? Didn't he look a little chubby when he was here? I think that's because of global warming, too. Al feels he has to eat all the ice cream before it melts." --Jay Leno

"Over in the Middle East, Saddam Hussein's hunger strike is officially over. Saddam went on a hunger strike Thursday morning to protest the murder of his lawyer. They brought him lunch and he refused. And then dinner came and he ate. He forgot it was pizza bagel night." --Jimmy Kimmel

"First Lady Laura Bush said President Bush wakes her up every morning by bringing her coffee in bed. Meanwhile, Hillary Clinton says Bill Clinton wakes her up every morning by sneaking back into bed." --Conan O'Brien

"Florida Governor Jeb Bush signed a new law making 'In God We Trust' Florida's official state motto. 'In God We Trust' just barely beat out Florida's other state motto, 'Where Are My Teeth?'" --Conan O'Brien

"It was so hot today, Dick Cheney was sweating bullets." --Jay Leno

"Saddam Hussein ended his hunger strike after just one missed meal. I think he finally realized a hunger strike only works if people don't want you to die." --Jay Leno

"According to a new report the San Andreas Fault right under Los Angeles is ready to explode and cause the biggest earthquake in history. Isn't that frightening? They said it could wipe Malibu off the map. You thought Bush was slow to respond to New Orleans, how long is it going to take him to save Barbara Streisand?" --Jay Leno

"This week Saddam Hussein began a hunger strike, but he ended it after only skipping one meal. When asked why he ended the hunger strike so quickly, Saddam blushed and said, 'They had tatter tots.'" --Conan O'Brien

"Al Gore enjoys coming to the Ed Sullivan Theater because it's the one place left on Earth untouched by global warming." --David Letterman

"President Bush got back tonight from his very brief trip to Europe. Boy, remember the old days when it used to take longer than two days to visit all of our allies?" --Jay Leno

"Actually, one awkward moment in Hungary. See, I don't think President Bush really prepares for these trips. Geography is not his area. He told the people of Budapest that although he believes in Jesus, he respects their leader, Buddha, as well." --Jay Leno

"President Bush arrived in Austria for a summit yesterday. Bush was greeted by protestors banging drums and blowing whistles. There was an awkward moment when the president asked the protestors to play 'Whoomp! There It Is.'" --Conan O'Brein

"President Bush gave the commencement address at the Merchant Marine Academy. ... While he was there a cadet, who took six years to graduate, surprised President Bush by giving him a bear hug. When asked about it, the cadet said, 'President Bush is an inspiration to everyone who takes six years to graduate.'" --Conan O'Brein

"According to a new survey, Hillary Clinton's popularity rating is down to its lowest point in over a year. When Bill Clinton heard this, he said, 'If there's one thing Hillary can do, it's bring polls down.'" --Conan O'Brein

"Congress gave itself a big raise this week and voted against the minimum wage, which is kind of ironic. I mean if anybody should getting minimum wage, it's Congress." --Jay Leno

"It's so hot today that Dick Cheney looked in the mirror just to get that cold stare coming back on his face. It was so hot people are standing along the border of North Korea just to catch the breeze of all the missiles going by." --Jay Leno

"The U.S. has finally come up with an exit strategy. Unfortunately, it's for the World Cup. U.S. soccer team is out of the World Cup after a 2-1 loss to Ghana. And today, an angry John Kerry demanded we pull all our soccer players out of Germany." --Jay Leno

"The government of Afghanistan has sent a letter to the news stations and all journalists in that country ordering them to report only favorable news about the government. Now I know that sounds harsh, but you have to remember they don't have Fox News over there." --Jay Leno

"President Bush says he gets up every morning at 5:30 a.m. and he makes a cup of coffee for his wife, Laura. Isn't that nice? And he has to tip-toe very softly because Cheney has a gun under his pillow" --David Letterman

Stephen Colbert, on scientist Stephen Hawking saying the end of the world is near and that humans should colonize the Moon and Mars: "By suggesting we go to other planets, Hawking is asking us to do something that I believe is un-American, which brings us to tonight's 'Word.' Cut and Run. Come on Professor Hawking, go to Mars? What kind of crackpot proposes something like that ? [on screen: picture of President Bush]. ... Professor Panic says we got to makes plans to leave Earth because of threats like global warming, nuclear war and genetically engineered viruses [on screen: And Gay Marriage]. ... There's no disaster big enough to make us want to leave the planet, unless the House gets taken back by the Democrats [on screen: Cut And Runners]. Then red-staters, off to the red planet"

"Hot outside today, isn't it? It is so hot today that Al Gore has a new movie, 'An Inconvenient Rash.'" --David Letterman

"Last week Congress found a topic everybody in any party could grandstand about. ... Violent video games were the latest target of Washington's election year ire. ... The issue is the video game industry's rating system. Many feel that the 'M' for 'Mature' rating is too vague in describing content. Not to mention, completely inaccurate to describe anyone who plays video games. They proposed a three-tiered system that would start with 'D' for 'Dropout.' 'W' for 'Wastoid' and max out at 'CMB' for 'Child in Man's Body'" --Jon Stewart

"Tomorrow we play Ghana. ... Hey Ghana-rhea! I didn't see you there -- I was too busy not being able to find your country on a map. Hey, maybe after the game, if you can hold it together, we can lend you a few billion dollars in gross domestic product" --Stephen Colbert

"President Bush is in Austria. He's trying to convince European leaders to eliminate agricultural subsidies in order to promote global free trade. Yeah, he has no idea what that means either" --David Letterman

"North Korea is reportedly trying to develop a missile that can reach the West Coast of the United States. Apparently, the Korean missile will land in California and open up a nail salon" --Conan O'Brien

"Saddam Hussein has announced a new hunger strike to protest the shooting death of his lawyer yesterday ... not a bad idea to kick off bikini season" --Jimmy Kimmel

"President Bush raised $27 million for the Republican Party. A record at a fundraiser. Interesting pricing at the event, like for $2,500 you got dinner. ... $25,000 got your picture taken with the president. And for $250,000 you got your license plate made by a former Republican official now in jail." --Jay Leno

"President Bush was in Austria yesterday. You know, I think he's confused. He's not good on geography. On his way to Austria, he told Dick Cheney he'd bring him back a boomerang." --Jay Leno

"President Bush said he liked Austria, but he said he got a little annoyed with everyone doing the Arnold impressions all the time." --Jay Leno

"It's official. Yesterday was Dan Rather's last day at CBS. What a great couple of weeks for President Bush, huh? He got rid of al-Zarqawi and now Dan Rather. His two biggest enemies." --Jay Leno

"It is so hot today that President Bush met with European leaders just for the chilly reception." ----David Letterman

"The Senate voted not to raise the minimum wage, which for the last 9 years has been $5.15 an hour. ... They did vote themselves a pay raise, but they didn't vote to raise the minimum wage. ... I just want to say, 'Good.' I'm glad they didn't do it because the lower strata of American society has had a free ride for too long. And if you gave them $7.25 an hour, you know it would just go up their nose and out their hose. You don't want to give them walking around money. So, kudos to Congress for literally taking a giant s--- on the poorest people in the country." --Jon Stewart

"In a recent speech, former President Bill Clinton said that if Hillary runs for president, he'll do whatever is asked of him. Hillary says the first thing she's going to ask Bill to do is to stop winking when he says that." --Conan O'Brien

"Former President Bill Clinton said that if his wife, Hillary, is elected president, he will do whatever she wants. You know Bill Clinton -- when he makes a vow to Hillary, you can take that to the bank." --Jay Leno

"What did Patrick Kennedy say to his dad, Ted Kennedy, on Father's Day? 'Can I crash at your place?'" --Jay Leno

"Today was Dan Rather's last day at CBS. He turned in his letter of resignation, which later turned out to be a forgery." --Jay Leno

"This is a little frightening. The White House says North Korea has missiles with the capability ... of being launched in North Korea and landing on the west coast of the United States. ... I was thinking about this and was like, 'Oh hell, that's Leno's problem.'" --David Letterman

"According to scientists ... one day we may have sex with robots. And if you want to know what that's like, just ask Maria Shriver." --David Letterman

"North Korea is getting ready to test a missile they say can reach the United States. ... According to military intelligence, the name of this missile is Taepo-Dong 2. Doesn't that sound like some male enhancement product?" --Jay Leno

"North Korea's Kim Jong-il ... acknowledged Monday he was developing a nuclear missile program 'to deter attacks from the West.' ... It's called the Taepo-Dong. Before you laugh, you should know that in Korean, that translates to 'kind of penis.'" --Jon Stewart

"This Taepo-Dong could be horrific. Millions could die from this Dong. A veritable Dong-ocaust. ... By creating lethal weapons with very silly names, they're making their growing military might seem hilariously innocuous. And you know our president -- you mention Taepo Dong at a national security briefing, and he's taking a two-hour ride on the giggle train. ... It's not just the Taepo-Dong. Did you know Kim's working on neutron explosive that burns you from the inside out, leaving you a charred husk of flesh? It's called Long Fat Dick. ... Worst of all, when it blows up, it spreads a deadly biochemical cream of sum yung guy" --Daily Show correspondent Rob Corddry

"Last week President Bush created the world's largest protected marine area, dubbed the Northwestern Hawaiian Islands National Monument. The preserve is larger than all of America's national parks combined. It contains sea life that has inspired some of our most breathtaking screensavers." --Jon Stewart

"Dick Cheney spoke at the National Press Club yesterday. Cheney pointed out that because of tough anti-terror policies, the last five years have been virtually free of terrorist incidents on our soil. In fact, during that time Cheney, himself, has shot more Americans in this country than any terrorists." --Jay Leno

"Louisiana Governor Kathleen Blanco has ordered National Guard troops to assist police in patrolling New Orleans. National Guard troops down there will be armed with rifles, hand guns and plenty of beads." --Jay Leno

"Lionel Richie is offering his daughter, Nicole Richie, a free Caribbean cruise if she agrees to put on some weight. It's the same deal Bill Clinton offers his girlfriends."

"Republicans in the House of Representatives forced everyone to spend an entire day discussing a non-binding resolution praising the troops and labeling Iraq part of the War on Terror. Later they will debate a resolution declaring kittens 'adorable'" --Jon Stewart (Watch video clip)

"I want to take note of the end of an era. It's been a year of good-byes amongst news heavyweights, all of whom departing with eloquent farewells ... all except, of course, Dan Rather's former 'CBS Evening News' co-anchor, Miss Connie Chung [on screen: Chung singing on top of a piano]. That was Connie Chung, signing off Saturday from her MSNBC program called 'Weekends with Maurie and Oh-My-God-What-Have-They-Done-With-Connie Chung.'" --Jon Stewart (Watch video clip)

"They're calling this one of the worst collapses in U.S. Open history. On the last hole, Phil Mickelson shot into the hospitality tent. The next shot he hit a tree. You know, the last time a rich white guy aimed this bad was when Dick Cheney shot a lawyer in the face." --Jay Leno

"It turns out al Qaeda had a plot to put poisonous gas in the New York City subway system and then abandoned the idea at the last minute. Well, sure, once it mixed with the toxic fumes and vile odors already in the subway, who would have noticed? New Yorkers would have been like, 'Is that Febreeze?'" --Jay Leno

"President Bush is creating a Marine sanctuary in the Pacific Ocean off the northwest islands of Hawaii. You know what that means? No oil there." --Jay Leno

"Mexico is having its presidential election on July 2nd. You know, it's the only presidential election where every ballot is an absentee ballot."--Jay Leno

"North Korea wants the United States to know they're about to test a long-range missile that they say may eventually have the capability of reaching the United States. Ooohhh. Since we're exchanging knowledge here, it may be good for them to know we have a few thousand missiles that can reach North Korea in about an hour. In fact, if Kim Jong ordered a pizza, our missile would get there first." --Jay Leno

"Anybody see 'The Lakehouse,' that new movie? Keanu Reeves plays a man stuck in the year 2004, as we call him -- John Kerry. ... It's about a man and a woman having a relationship, but they never actually meet or see each other. They just communicate by leaving notes or as the Clintons call that, 'a marriage.'" --Jay Leno

"This is frightening. North Korea is ready to test long-range ballistic missiles. And next, they're going to start working on indoor plumbing." --David Letterman

"North Korea has ballistic missile capability. Well fortunately, they're in the hands of a stable guy: Kim Jong Il, his father ment-il-ly ill." --David Letterman

"How many of you remember former President Bill Clinton? Since he was president, he's been out doing public speaking. You can hire him to come to your banquet or church group or your function. President Clinton will come and he will speak. Making these speeches, he's made seven and a half million dollars. Isn't it amazing? It was, of course, all reported -- not like the old days when he did business under the table." --David Letterman

Jokes for the Week of June 11-17

"According to a poll in Health Magazine, more Americans said they'd rather have Bill Clinton as their father than President Bush. Well sure, with Clinton you get away with a lot more, don't you think? 'Look, I won't mention you coming home late, if you don't mention me coming home late.'" --Jay Leno

"Another Bush team member is stepping down. This time it's long time speechwriter, a guy named Michael Gerson. He was President Bush's speechwriter for seven years. Isn't that amazing? President Bush had a speechwriter?" --Jay Leno

"Al Gore is getting more vocal lately. He spoke out today about the U.S. air strike. You know, we used those two 500 pound bombs to kill that Abu Musab al-Zarqawi guy. Well, Gore said they could have done the same job with one hybrid mini-bomb that runs on vegetable oil." --Jay Leno

"The Supreme Court has ruled that with a warrant, police no longer have to knock before kicking your door in. Unless, of course, you're the Vice President of the United States and we're talking about shooting a man in the face. Then you can come back tomorrow." --Jay Leno

"Good news from President Bush. At a press conference yesterday, he was upbeat, he was cheerful, he was optimistic. Yeah, that's right. He's drinking again. ... They say he's having a pretty good week and you got to give him credit because, earlier in the week, President Bush quietly sneaked into Iraq. Here's an idea: Why don't we quietly sneak out of Iraq?" --David Letterman

"I thought this was interesting if you look at it comparatively. President Bush sneaked quietly into Baghdad and nobody knew about it. ... Bill Clinton, on the other hand, sneaks into an intern and everybody knows about it." --David Letterman

"What a beautiful day it is here. ... It was so beautiful that earlier today down in Washington D.C. Patrick Kennedy walked into a concrete barrier." --David Letterman

"Big personnel change at the White House. ... Yesterday, President Bush's chief speech writer announced he's leaving the White House. ... His exact words were, 'Me go now.'" --Conan O'Brien

"This is a weird story. President Bush has apologized today for scolding a member of the White House press corps for wearing sunglasses because he found out the reporter is legally blind. ... Bush also apologized for telling physicist Stephen Hawking 'to get off your lazy a--.'" --Conan O'Brien

"Remember those $1,000 credit cards given to the victims of Hurricane Katrina? Congressional investigators now say FEMA was conned out of over $1.4 billion in bogus claims. Imagine how much worse it would have been if FEMA had actually gotten there on time?" --Jay Leno

"Congress is outraged by these bogus claims. Congress said, 'If people want to break the law and steal taxpayer money, hey, get elected to Congress like everybody else.'" --Jay Leno

"Speaking of Congress, the other day -- very quietly -- they voted themselves a $3,300 pay raise. Why not? Job well done. A lot of added expenses this year: legal fees, criminal defense lawyers." --Jay Leno

"President Bush returned safely from his surprise trip to Iraq. A lot of people criticize President Bush, saying he was only in Iraq for five hours. Hey, it's still five hours longer than the French were there." --Jay Leno

"Today in Iraq, the new prime minister instituted a ban on guns. Hey, good luck with that." --Jay Leno

"President Bush made another shocking surprise visit today that stunned everyone. He went to a bookstore." --Jay Leno

"What's the difference between al-Zarqawi and Patrick Kennedy? Patrick Kennedy will get bombed again." --Jay Leno

"President Bush's number one speechwriter, a man named Michael Gerson, resigned yesterday after seven years of writing speeches for the president. It's already having an effect on Mr. Bush. After turning in his resignation, Bush wished him 'the goodest of luck.'" --Jay Leno

"Republicans in the Senate have announced they are moving on from gay marriage ... to a constitutional amendment to ban flag burning. ... We would join the only three other countries who have banned flag burning: China, Cuba and Iran. We can stand with our brothers on this issue." --Jay Leno

"U.S. Immigration Service is busy. They deported 2,000 illegal immigrants this week in a program they're calling 'Operation Return To Sender,' or as the program is also known, 'Operation We're Taking Away Your Gardner.'" --Conan O'Brien

"President Bush's Iraq trip was so top secret that before he left, he lied to his Cabinet members -- told them he was going to bed early so he could read. When the Secret Service heard this, they said, 'We've got to come up with a better story.'" --Conan O'Brien

"After visiting Baghdad for five hours, President Bush told reporters that he is upbeat about Iraq. Bush's exact words were: 'Next time, I'm going to stay for six hours.'" --Conan O'Brien

"You were in Baghdad for six hours. You weren't even in the real Baghdad. You were in the Green Zone. That's like going to the Olive Garden and saying you've been to Italy." --Jon Stewart

"This is a terrible controversy. According to a new report, $1.4 billion of FEMA money for Hurricane Katrina victims was used to buy alcohol, vacations and pornography. Even worse, some of it was wasted." --Conan O'Brien

"Al Qaeda announced they've already named al-Zarqawi's replacement. His name is Abu Hamza al-Muhajer. The name 'Muhajer' in Arabic means 'immigrant.' And today out of force of habit, California gave him a driver's license." --Jay Leno

"Democrats are refusing to give President Bush any credit for killing al-Zarqawi. Like today Al Gore blamed it on global warming. ... And John Kerry said of the two 500 pound bombs that hit the safe house, he voted for the first bomb -- not the second one." --Jay Leno

"More details coming out about how President Bush planned his secret trip to Iraq yesterday. President Bush was at Camp David with several members of the administration. After dinner Bush excused himself by saying, 'I'm going up to read.' Is that the most believable excuse? ... Isn't that like Bill Clinton going, 'Excuse me guys, I've got to spend some time with Hillary.'" --Jay Leno

"President Bush sneaked into Iraq without any formal paperwork, which I guess would make him an undocumented leader." --Jay Leno

"While he was there, Bush met with the Iraq's prime minister and wasted no time finding out how the new government is doing. The first thing President Bush asked the new prime minister was, 'You guys aren't allowing any of those gay marriages, are ya?'" --Jay Leno

"The sad part of President Bush's trip. He's so unpopular, he had to sneak back into this country." --Jay Leno

"The Bush administration is back. Yesterday the president made a top secret visit to Baghdad. Here's how he pulled it off: Monday, 7:45 p.m. During a post-dinner discussion of Iraq, Bush tells his aides that he's tired, saying 'I'm losing altitude. I'm going to read.' That should raise some suspicions right there, but it doesn't. The game is afoot. He slips into a waiting helicopter that whisks him to Andrews Air Force base. From there he flies to Baghdad where the Iraqi people get a taste of hand delivered democracy. Ding-dong. Get the door, it's freedom. ... Meanwhile, back here in the States, unaware citizens expect a presidential news conference in the Rose Garden thanks to a misleading schedule released by the White House press office. Now you see him and just like that, he's gone." --Stephen Colbert

"Prosecutors announced yesterday that Karl Rove will not be charged with any crimes. ... The White House was pretty relieved. President Bush told Dick Cheney, 'You can cancel that hunting trip with Karl Rove.'" --Jay Leno

"Congressional investigators say that FEMA was conned out of $1.4 billion in bogus claims including people paying for season football tickets, tropical vacations, golf outings. I'm sorry, that was Tom DeLay." --Jay Leno

"Representative Patrick Kennedy has agreed to plead guilty to driving under the influence of prescription drugs. ... There's not much you can do really. They have plenty of concrete evidence, like the fact his car was wrapped around concrete." --Jay Leno

"Bill Clinton said it is now recognized that he and Al Gore were right about global warming. Get the feeling right now Gore is going, 'We?' ... The only thing Clinton thought was hot back in the '90s was Paula Jones." --Jay Leno

"Here's the latest deal on the Hurricane Katrina / FEMA situation. FEMA's relief funds, $1.2 billion, were spent on things like a divorce, a sex change. Does this make you angry? Are you angry because you had to pay for your own divorce and your own sex change?" --David Letterman

"$1.4 billion in hurricane relief was spent on booze, was spent on vacations, spent on hookers. Well apparently, some of the folks down there got blown more than once." --David Letterman

"Have you heard about al Qaeda's new leader in Iraq, Abu Hamza al-Muhajer? This guy's everywhere. Earlier today he was on Iraq's big morning show, 'Live with Muhammad and Kelly.' Al-Muhajer was on the show promoting his new book, 'Akhmed and Me.'" --David Letterman

"Anybody here from New Zealand? They have a big, new attraction. It's a live sex show in New Zealand. They have actual bulls mounting a simulated cow. Good to see Ann Coulter getting some work." --David Letterman

"A few weeks ago saw the release of the documentary, An Inconvenient Truth. The title plays on movie goers' love of reality and inconvenience. The film follows Al Gore as he tours the world talking about global warming and best of all, Al Gore is powered by a potato. Gore and a fringe group of radical liberals known as 'scientists' believe that the earth is being damaged by man-made carbon dioxide. Well, bad mouth humanity all you want, but diss carbon dioxide and the Competitive Enterprise Institute is likely to open up a can of public service advertising on your a** [on screen: Institute's ads responding to 'An Inconvenient Truth' and environmentalists' attacks on carbon dioxide]. I know what you're driving at, but I really don't think science and liberals are going to outlaw breathing." --Jon Stewart (Watch video clip)

"A few weeks after U.S. troops dropped two 500-pound surprises on al-Zarqawi, the White House dropped a 190-pound surprise on U.S. troops in the form of a presidential visit. Said the Iraqi prime minister to the president, 'If I knew you were coming, I'd have built an infrastructure'" --Jon Stewart

"The president was here for five hours. The first fifteen minutes were spent with the new prime minister, then a quick power nap to sleep off jet lag. That took two hours. Quick chat with the troops, judged a local humus cook-off and then ... with an international flight, you kind of want to get to the airport two hours ahead. You got the check-in, security, duty free shopping. ... He picked up a bottle of perfume for Laura -- Ahmed Chalabi's 'Desperation.' It's an intoxicating blend of Sunni and Shiite aroma -- smells awful. ... Just his being there for five hours makes a statement. It told the Iraqi people, 'I'm with you. I stand behind you. And now if you'll excuse me, I'm getting the f**k out of here'" --Daily Show correspondent Rob Corddry

"President Bush made a surprise visit to Iraq today. It lasted five hours. Five hours? That's longer than he stayed at any National Guard meetings." --Jay Leno

"The White House planned the whole trip in total secrecy. The prime minister of Iraq was not told. The press was not told. Even President Bush was not told. In fact when he got off the plane in Baghdad he said, 'Boy, Arizona is hot.'" --Jay Leno

"Security very, very tight. They even had Dick Cheney riding shotgun." --Jay Leno

"President Bush went to Iraq to boost the new government. That shows you how rough the situation is in Iraq when a guy with 30% approval rating stops by to give you a boost." --Jay Leno

"More news coming about the death of al-Zarqawi. They say he died from complication of his lungs. They say he was smoking when they found him. Not cigarettes, he was actually smoking." --Jay Leno

"Here's something bizarre. This is absolutely true. They say when investigators were going through the rubble they found women's lingerie -- a leopard teddy. So apparently al-Zarqawi's not only a member of al Qaeda, he was a member of al-Kinky." --Jay Leno

"Finally some good news for the White House. Today federal prosecutors told Karl Rove that he will not be indicted in the CIA leak case. This is the best news for the White House since oil hit $70 a barrel." --Jay Leno

"On Monday Robert Byrd became the longest serving senator in U.S. history. He's been a senator for 48 years. Minority Leader Harry Reid called him 'a giant' and Anna Nicole Smith called him 'the bachelor.'" --Jay Leno

"As you know, the constitutional amendment to ban gay marriage got voted down last week. Here's my questions: When two guys get married, what is the bachelor party like? Do they both go?" --Jay Leno

"Ann Coulter is going to be on the show tomorrow night. Security is very tight. In fact, there is even restricted airspace over the studio. Her people are afraid that Dorothy's house could drop on her." --Jay Leno

"The Iraqi terror mastermind Abu Musab al-Zarqawi is dead. Warm up the virgins. ... His successor is Abu Hamza al-Muhajer and if anything happens to that guy? Russell Crowe." --David Letterman

"Iraq's prime minister has implemented some things. ... He's got a curfew. There's a ban on personal weapons and if that works, President Bush said he's going to try the same things on Dick Cheney." --David Letterman

"The big news of the day is that President Bush made his second surprise visit to Baghdad -- flew in and out. ... He sneaked in. It worked so well that they now have a secret plan to sneak a guy in and out of Condoleezza Rice." --David Letterman

"Earlier today President Bush made a surprise visit to Baghdad. Apparently, the president was confused by all of the destruction, because the first thing he said was 'Hello Detroit!'" --Conan O'Brien

"Last week the U.S. eliminated Iraq's number one terrorist, Abu Musab al-Zarqawi. This week al Qaeda announced his successor, Abu Hamza al-Muhajer. When asked why they chose him, an al Qaeda spokesperson said, 'We have a lot of leftover stationary that says, From the Desk of Abu.'" --Conan O'Brien

"This is weird. The state of Texas has put webcams on the Mexican border so people can sit at their home computers and look for illegal aliens trying to cross into the U.S. The website is free, but it costs $5 if you want the illegal aliens to talk dirty to you." --Conan O'Brien

"In a recent interview, Al Gore's wife, Tipper, said she would support her husband if he decided to run for president again. And she said, 'There's no way I'm sitting through his movie.'" --Conan O'Brien

"Al Gore has a movie about global warming. It's called An Inconvenient Truth. It's doing surprisingly well at the box office. Even though it's only playing on like 80 screens, it actually broke the 'Top Ten' list. I guess when you have charisma like Al Gore has, people flock to you" --Jimmy Kimmel

"There's a big storm named Alberto heading towards Florida and CNN said that Florida residents should have a survival plan to take care of themselves in case, you know, FEMA shows up." --Jay Leno

"That's the name of the hurricane -- Alberto. See, I tell you something. Even these hurricanes are getting smarter. They know a Hispanic hurricane has a better chance of getting into the United States." --Jay Leno

"Here's a weather report over al-Zarqawi's safe house in Iraq: It's partly Sunni with widely scattered Shiites." --Jay Leno

"Imagine two 500 pound bombs landing on your house. That would pretty much throw your feng shui out of alignment." --Jay Leno

"Over the weekend they conducted an autopsy on this al-Zarqawi guy. Here's my question: Is that really necessary? I mean, people really wonder what he died from? You think it may be from one of those 500 pound bombs." ... Of course, analysts are all over this thing. They're now saying the real cause of Zarqawi's downfall -- signing up on MySpace." --Jay Leno

"Did you hear about this al-Zarqawi? They knocked him out over the weekend and al Qaeda has chosen a new leader. His name is Abu Hamza al-Muhajer. Yeah, he's the new al Qaeda leader in Iraq and it's a huge step for this guy because his last job he was in charge of corporate gifting. ... They didn't waste any time. Zarqawi was killed and they named this Abu Hamza al-Muhajer, or as the special forces refer to him, 'Next'" --David Letterman

"New information has surfaced about the circumstances of Zarqawi's death. For example, it now appears Zarqawi survived the initial air strike for an estimated 52 minutes. Even hours later, Senate Majority Leader, doctor Bill Frist continued to insist, 'The man seems to respond to visual stimuli.'" --Jon Stewart

"The FBI says it wants Zarqawi's DNA so they can compare it with samples found in other terrorist safe houses and to establish the extent of his influence. And if need be, clone him so he can be killed again closer to the midterm elections." --Jon Stewart

"Al Qaeda wasted no time in naming Zarqawi's successor and he is Abu Hamza al-Muhajer. Congratulations, al-Muhajer. You're the new leader of al Qaeda in Iraq and with that comes this beautiful dinette set and a brand new Pontiac Firebird. Come on down and collect your prize. I guess we'll have to find another way to catch him. That was my idea." --Jon Stewart

"President Bush said today that illegal immigrants who come to America should learn English. He said, 'If I was moving to Canada, I would learn Canadian.'" --Jay Leno

"Last week, we did lose one of the best. Tom DeLay gave his farewell speech to the House of Representatives. A brilliant speech and I believe some day DeLay's final address to Congress will be mentioned in the same breath as the preamble to the Constitution, the Declaration of Independence and the Gettysburg Address. In fact, I just did it. That some day is today." --Stephen Colbert

Jokes for the Week of June 4-10

"Hey remember how President Bush promised to create jobs? Today, he announced the latest job opening he created: head of al Qaeda in Iraq. ... That's the story that's just dominated the news -- that we've killed al-Zarqawi. Of course, the question now, is who will be the next al Qaeda leader? Sounds like a bad reality show on Al Jazeera." --Jay Leno

"You know what the last thing that went through Zarqawi's mind was? A 500 pound bomb. ... The Air Force got him by dropping two 500 pond bombs on his safe house. 500 pounds? Do they even have to go off at that point? ... And now his supporters in the Middle East are claiming there is more than one al-Zarqawi, which is OK. We have more than one 500 pound bomb." --Jay Leno

"U.S. forces said they learned where Zarqawi was staying by tracking his spiritual adviser. He has a spiritual adviser? What a great job that guy was doing. I think the last spiritual advice he gave him was, 'Start praying and kiss your a** goodbye.'" --Jay Leno

"And more problems for al-Zarqawi. You know how they believe when you get to heaven, you get 72 virgins? Turns out, now you wind up in hell with 72 year-old virgins." --Jay Leno

"Discussing the incident, Secretary of Defense Donald Rumsfeld described him as 'dark, sadistic and medieval' to which Dick Cheney said, 'You make that sound like a bad thing.'" --Jay Leno

"Hillary Clinton is furious at writer Ann Coulter for attacking the 9/11 widows. This is the maddest Hillary's ever been at a woman not currently sleeping with her husband." --Jay Leno

"I have to agree with Hillary on this. I liked Ann Coulter better when she was fighting Sigourney Weaver on those 'Alien' movies."

"Former House leader Tom DeLay officially left Congress this week. He stepped down. He said he's leaving Congress with no regrets, no shame and no ethics." --Jay Leno

"According to a recent study, my home state of Massachusetts has some of the worst drivers in the nation, but in fairness to Massachusetts, we do have the Kennedys. That throws the curve way off." --Jay Leno

"We finally got some good news yesterday from the war in Iraq. As you have probably heard, the Air Force exploded Iraq's head of al Qaeda, Abu Musab al-Zarqawi. I was looking forward to seeing what the New York Post had to say about it. ... This is the actual cover of the newspaper. There you see the dead face of al-Zarqawi with the cartoon bubble saying, 'Warm up the Virgins.' ... Coincidentally, 'Warm up the Virgins' is also Arnold Schwarzenegger's new campaign slogan." --Jimmy Kimmel

"The good news for al-Zarqawi is according to Islamic law, he does get 72 virgins. The bad news is they're all William Hung. ... Actually there is some disagreement among those who study the Koran about whether so-called martyrs get 72 virgins. Many say it is a mistranslation and they actually get 72 raisins." --Jimmy Kimmel

"President Bush still wrestling with the immigration issue right now. You got to give him credit. He's really working on hard on this. This week, President Bush said that any attempt to deport 11 million illegal aliens 'ain't gonna work.' Then, when reporters asked Bush what he was going to do for the rest of the afternoon, he said, 'Ain't gonna work.'" --Conan O'Brien

"Ladies and gentleman, welcome to the Late Show. I need your help with this. Do you think it's soon to hit on Mrs. Zarqawi?" --David Letterman

"As you heard, Abu Musab al-Zarqawi is dead, and nice shot Cheney." --David Letterman

"Abu Musab al-Zarqawi was the world's most unhinged lunatic. He's now dead, so that moves Ann Coulter up to first place" --David Letterman

"It was announced today that the U.S. military dropped a bomb that killed Iraq's number one terrorist, Abu Musab al-Zarqawi. ... Afterwards President Bush said, 'Oh great and I just learned how to pronounce his name.'" --Conan O'Brien

"According to the military, they got al-Zarqawi while he was hiding in his safe house. As a result, it's been renamed the 'not-so-safe house'" --Conan O'Brien

"U.S. forces killed terrorist al-Zarqawi in an air strike. We didn't get the devil on 666, but we only missed by one day. ... He was hit by two 500 pound bombs. In fact, al-Zarqawi's name is now ow-ow-ow-Zarqawi. ... You know what his last words were? 'Holy Shiite.'" --Jay Leno

"I think al-Zarqawi knew what his fate was going to be, like today they released his autobiography. Coincidentally it's called, 'I'm in a Million Little Pieces.'" --Jay Leno

"Secretary of Defense Donald Rumsfeld said al-Zarqawi was 'mean, vicious, and hateful.' So you know what that means? Ann Coulter could be next." --Jay Leno

"Finally good news in the administration's War on Terror. No doubt Defense Secretary Donald Rumsfeld overjoyed of the news [on screen: Rumsfeld delivering the news]. ... If he seemed a little disoriented or a little choked up, it's because this is the first thing he's done right." --Jon Stewart

"Not only was Zarqawi killed, but so were seven of his cronies -- making it a good day for the U.S. military, but a bad day to be a virgin wrangler in Muslim heaven. Eight martyrs, 72 apiece? That's nearly 600 virgins needed, stat. My guess is some of the lower ranking guys might not be getting a full compliment if you know what I'm saying. I think the cherry orchard may have a couple bruised fruits." --Daily Show correspondent Samantha Bee

"Man, it was hot in parts of California today. ... It was so hot Dick Cheney went to see Al Gore's movie just for the air conditioning. ... It was so hot gay couples were standing next to President Bush just to get the cold shoulder." --Jay Leno

"The constitutional amendment to ban gay marriage was defeated in the Senate earlier this week. ... Did you see the gay people celebrating in West Hollywood? They were tipping over Volvos, spraying each other with Evian, looting the Pottery Barn. It was unbelievable." --Jay Leno

"President Bush gave a big speech on immigration in Nebraska. And really, what better place to talk about border problems than Nebraska? You want to go where the people have a feel for the issue." --Jay Leno

"Al Gore is on the show tonight. This just shows you how quickly things can change. I mean, Arnold Schwarzenegger spends his days talking about his political agenda. Al Gore is out promoting his new movie. Who would have seen that coming?" --Jay Leno

"Did you know Al Gore was voted our second most popular guest ever? Actually he finished first, but the Supreme Court overturned it." --Jay Leno

"A lot of people said Al Gore was the best vice president the country ever had. Not to take anything away from Al, but look at the competition. He replaced a guy who couldn't spell 'potato' and was followed by a guy who shot someone in the face." --Jay Leno

"Al Gore's movie about global warming broke into the 'Top Ten' this past week. President Bush was not impressed. He said the movie about me, Farenheit 9/11, did better than that." --Jay Leno

"President Bush said he's not going to see the film. He said he did go to see 'Ice Age 2: The Meltdown' so he has all the facts about global warming." --Jay Leno

"Actually, Al Gore's movie, An Inconvenient Truth, made about $2 million this past weekend, whereas X-men made about $150 million. That just shows we're more interested in the fake people saving the fake earth than the real people trying to save the real earth." --Jay Leno

"Pretty sobering film. Critics are calling it a wake-up call, which is pretty amazing. Who ever thought Al Gore would be giving people a wake-up call? ... It's a fascinating movie. He makes some interesting points in the film. He says global warming is so bad, they have actually detected a thaw between Bill and Hillary." --Jay Leno

"They also said if global warming continues, tropical countries to the south will become too hot to live in and their desperate citizens will flee north, which means millions of Mexicans could sneak into the United States. Oh like that would ever happen." --Jay Leno

"Al Gore says we have 10 years to reverse global warming. See, you don't tell us things like that. We're Americans. ... Americans just go, 'Look, I'll drive my Hummer for the next nine years until the lease runs out and then I'll save the earth in the last year.' You can't put a time table on it." --Jay Leno

"You hate Canada? That's like saying I hate toast. It's not the kind of thing that inspires passion in either direction. I can understand why you're mad at us. We're arrogant, leading the whole War on Terror, but Canada? That's like watching 'Hannity & Colmes' and just hating Colmes. ... Canada opposed the war in Iraq. You're mad because you want them to withdraw troops from Afghanistan. That is so two Jihads ago. If anything, you should love Canada. Who else could cripple America with their cheap prescription drugs and talented comedians? ... So, terrorists pick on someone you own size. Do what you want to us, but as far as Canada goes, you leave them 'oot'" --Jon Stewart, on Al Qaeda terrorists apprehended in Canada

"The big news today ... American forces have killed Pavarrati. .... They finally got him. He was face down in a bowl of fettucini alfredo. ... Actually, they killed that Abu Musab al-Zarqawi, the man who ran the al Qaeda in Iraq. ... In lieu of flowers, the Zarqawi family's asking that you send deodorant." --Jimmy Kimmel

"The Air Force dropped two 500 pound bombs on him and just to be sure, they swooped down and gave him a nuclear wedgie." --Jimmy Kimmel

"A federal air marshall has been suspended from his job after appearing on the TV show, '20/20,' to complain that the government isn't doing enough ... to protect the identity of air marshals. ... He went on TV to complain that the government was not keeping his identity a secret. Not exactly a Jack Bauer moment." --Jay Leno

"You know anything about this Ann Coulter? She's some kind of commentator or political thing. She goes around yacking and she got herself into a lot of trouble. She has made some crazy statements about 9/11, and coincidentally Al Gore has produced a new documentary all about Ann Coulter. I believe it's called an 'Inconvenient Bitch.'" --David Letterman

"Here's what we know about Ann Coulter. She's blonde, she's single, and well, maybe someone will set her up with O.J." --David Letterman

"Yesterday was 666. ... And the devil did not show up yesterday, unless of course you're a Democrat watching Ann Coulter on the 'Today Show.'" --Jay Leno

"Big vote in the Senate yesterday. They voted down the gay marriage ban. ... It was a very close vote. 43 voted 'yea.' 44 voted 'nay.' And 3 voted 'fabulous.'" --David Letterman

"The Senate has rejected the gay marriage ban. When you think about it, do you really want Congress defining marriage? That's like asking Charlie Sheen to define monogamy." --Jay Leno

"The anti-gay marriage amendment: The president endorsed it. The Senate discussed it. I'm pretty sure Jerry Falwell masturbated to it." --Jon Stewart

"Republican leaders say that after illegal immigration and gay marriage, the next issue President Bush will tackle: flag burning. ... So if you're an illegal immigrant who's crossing our border to burn the flag at your gay wedding, we got your number." --Jay Leno

"Al Gore has a hit movie called 'An Inconvenient Truth.' I have an inconvenient truth for him: you're still not the president. ... This past weekend, Al Gore's movie, 'An Inconvenient Truth,' earned more per screen than any film in the country. ... I dare say Gore's movie is the highest grossing PowerPoint presentation in history. ... Global warming: Can we live with it? ... It is time we did something, namely resign ourselves to doing nothing [on screen: Follow Congress' Lead]. ... For instance, when sea levels rise, we'll just build levees [on screen: Worked for New Orleans]" --Stephen Colbert

"Yesterday was election day in California. A record low turn-out. 28%. See, that's what happens when the candidates are Phil Angelides and Steve Westly instead of Taylor Hicks and Katherine McPhee." --Jay Leno

"Californians selected state Treasurer Phil Angelides as their the candidate for the upcoming gubernatorial election, setting up a much anticipated Schwarzenegger/Angelides contest in November. Incidentally, Schwarzenegger Angelides is my porn name" --Jon Stewart

"Vice President Dick Cheney gave the commencement speech at his old high school in Casper, Wyoming, last weekend. He told graduating seniors to aim high because if they didn't, they might shoot someone in the face." --Jay Leno

"According to the Center for Public Integrity, in the last five years Congress got $50 million worth of free trips. ... That's over 23,000 free trips paid for by someone else. That beats the old record by Kevin Federline." --Jay Leno

"Yesterday President Bush went to Nebraska and gave a big speech about immigration. Of course, to people in Nebraska immigration means moving to Iowa." --Conan O'Brien

"Next week, 88 year-old Senator Robert Byrd will become the longest serving U.S. Senator in American history. ... When asked if he was still capable of conducting the business of state, the 88 year-old said, 'I like lemons'" --Conan O'Brien

"As expected, the Senate did not pass a constitutional amendment banning gay marriage. President Bush was behind this thing. The president opposes gay marriage, but not because he wants to deny people who are in love the opportunity to get married like everyone else ... because he just wants to make sure that gay guys are allowed to have sex with as many gay guys as possible" --Jimmy Kimmel

"President Bush calling for a constitutional amendment against gay marriage. He says he wants to put both Al Qaeda and IKEA out of business. ... Apparently, it's a pretty strict ruling, too. Under this constitutional amendment, gays would not be allowed to marry unless one of the parties was Liza Minnelli." --Jay Leno

On Bush supporting a constitutional amendment to ban gay marriage in the 2004 election: "Ah, a constitutional process to ban gay marriage. And yet that was the only time he mentioned it until now. It's as though marriage in our country is only threatened during even numbered years. It's the cultural version of raising the terror alert. All I can say is, as election day gets closer, I would not be surprised to see a large suicide c*ck threatening Manhattan." --Jon Stewart (Watch video clip)

[Clip of Bush: "America is a free society, which limits the role of government in the lives of our citizens. In this country, people are free to choose how they live their lives."]
Jon Stewart: "And that's why I want to ban gay people from getting married."

"Some are surprised that President Bush would back a gay marriage amendment when he clearly doesn't have the votes to pass it. ... I mean, since when has a lack of votes held back President Bush? It's never been a problem in the past." --Jay Leno

"Even though President Bush is pushing for this gay marriage amendment, Vice President Dick Cheney doesn't think the federal government should be involved. Cheney said the government shouldn't prevent men who are obviously in love with each other from having a relationship. For example, let's say an oil company wants to get in bed with the leader of the Republican Party -- they should be allowed." --Jay Leno

"The Senate is considering a constitutional amendment that would ban gay marriage. The amendment is expected to fall a few votes short because Senators Orrin Hatch and Trent Lott are antiquing in Vermont." --Conan O'Brien

"Speaking of doing stupid things, guess who we elected president? President Bush. He's been hard at work trying to make it illegal for gay people to get married lately. It's a suspicious move for an ex-male cheerleader I have to say. He's got this bill ... that will define marriage between one man and one woman and possibly one other woman they meet in a hotel bar on a business trip. ... The president is also focused now on border security, especially gay border security" --Jimmy Kimmel

"Congressman Patrick Kennedy left rehab and returned to Rhode Island. ... Unfortunately, on his way back he hit Massachusetts, Connecticut and New Hampshire" --Conan O'Brien

"Some excitement at the White House yesterday. The Secret Service caught a man trying to climb over the White House fence. ... When they caught the man, the Secret Service said, 'Not so fast. You have three more years, Mr. President.'" --Conan O'Brien

"Election day in California is the start of the process where we elect the next leader of the Mexican people." --Jay Leno

"Here's something kind of scary. U.S. fighter jets intercepted a small plane that had breached restricted space around Washington. ... Apparently, the White House said not to shoot it down unless they had evidence it contained two gay guys who wanted to get married." --Jay Leno

"The governor of Texas announced plans for streaming video surveillance camera footage of the border on the Internet so people could watch the border from home and call in if they see illegals crossing. It's true. Isn't that amazing? ... I thought of a great idea for this to pay for itself. Most people are looking at porn anyway, right? They make illegals cross naked and charge $2 bucks a minute." --Jay Leno

"The Secret Service arrested a guy for trying to jump the fence at the White House again. Think about this: they want to build a fence along the Mexican border? We can't even build a fence around the White House to keep people from jumping over." --Jay Leno

"Congressman Patrick Kennedy was released from rehab this week. In fact, they took precautions in Washington. They placed concrete barriers in front of the concrete barriers. ... Actually, Kennedy was not cured. The doctors made him leave. They said, 'Cure a Kennedy? We're doctors, not miracle workers.'" --Jay Leno

"Did you hear what Kennedy said? This is my favorite quote. After coming out of rehab, Congressman Patrick Kennedy said he wants to be treated just like a black man if and when he gets charged for crashing his car on Capitol Hill. ... Immediately after, six cops jumped in and beat the hell out of him." --Jay Leno

"That's what Kennedy said. He said he wanted to be treated like a black guy and today, every black guy said, 'Hey, forget that. How about treating us like a rich white guy?" --Jay Leno

"According to Life and Style Weekly, Britney Spears's marriage to Kevin Federline has basically turned into a business deal. They said he pretends to be a good husband and not embarrass her in public and then he can go out on weekends and do whatever he wants. I'm sorry, that's Bill and Hillary's deal." --Jay Leno

"President Bush gave his weekly, regular radio address on Saturday and the theme was pro-marriage. And then right afterwards, Bill Clinton gave the rebuttal." --Jay Leno

"As you know, President Bush is calling for an amendment against gay marriage or as President Bush calls it, 'Leave That Fellas Behind.'" --Jay Leno

"Do we need a constitutional amendment? Is that the most important issue facing the country today -- gay marriage? We were off last week, so apparently we must have caught bin Laden." --Jay Leno

"You know what's interesting about this whole thing? According to polls, 51 percent of Americans do not approve of gay marriage, but 70 percent of Americans do not approve of President Bush. So gay marriage is actually more popular than he is." --Jay Leno

"Do you notice gay marriage didn't become a big Republican priority until all their members started going to prison?" --Jay Leno

"Donald Rumsfeld was in Vietnam this week. President Bush was supposed to go, but his dad got him out of it." --Jay Leno

"A person was caught trying to jump over the White House fence after throwing a package over it. Turns out it was just Hillary Clinton with carpet samples." --Jay Leno

"How annoying is this? Senator Hillary Clinton calling for a return of the 55 mile an hour speed limit. When people in L.A. heard about this, they said, 'What? Cars can go that fast?'" --Jay Leno

"Here's something fascinating. Honda has announced it's developed technology that links a person's thoughts to a machine. It uses brain signals to control a robot's movements, to which Al Gore said, 'Been there, done that.'" --Jay Leno

"Did you hear about this? Homeland Security is cutting funding to New York City ... and raising funding for Nebraska. Well, at least the corn will sleep better." --David Letterman

"This was a little frightening. Over the weekend, the Royal Mounted police up in Canada ... busted a group of Canadian terrorists -- a Canadian al Qaeda group. About 19 of them. Their motto was: 'Death to America, ey?' ... The Canadian terrorist group was led by Canadian mastermind, Gordy bin Laden." --David Letterman

"This kind of thing usually happens once or twice a summer down in Washington. Yesterday, a guy hopped the fence at the White House. Pretty scary. Thank god at the last minute Dick Cheney picked him off. ... And then, today, another guy was arrested for trying to climb Condoleezza Rice." --David Letterman

"Let's begin tonight right here in New York, New York. The city's so nice, it was attacked by international terrorists twice. So naturally, last week, the Department of Homeland Security ... announced a cut in anti-terrorism grants to New York and Washington, D.C. by 40%. ... Now to some, cutting anti-terror money to the two cities that have already suffered major terrorist attacks might sound, I don't know, insane. ... So, if New York's funding is being slashed, where is all the money going? Apparently, it's being used to boost the defense budgets of terrorist hot spots like Charlotte, Louisville and Omaha, Nebraska. Apparently, Homeland Security distributes the terror funds on the basis of what item your city has the world's largest ball of. ... Now, I can understand the concern over Omaha. That city is of course under constant threat from renowned Midwestern terrorist Omaha bin Laden." --Jon Stewart

"Adding insult to injury, one of the reasons New York's funding was cut is that, according to Homeland Security's analysis of potential terror targets, the number of New York's national icons and monuments is zero. ... In the report, ... the Brooklyn Bridge -- the world's first steel wire suspension bridge -- was classified merely as a 'bridge.' The Empire State building is referred to simply as 'tall office building.' And as for the Statue of Liberty, the Department of Homeland Security has recently classified her as 'a giant, green water whore.'" --Jon Stewart

On the formula for allocating Homeland Security anti-terror grants: "It's believed to be the total population of your city divided by square mileage times Baptists over synagogues divided by the square root of the number of Waffle Houses over swimming holes. All that times the ratio of guns to Spanish language radio stations times zero. Plus, whether or not where you live voted for Bush. ... To most Americans, New York isn't even in America. It's more like part of 'Gayjewistan.' ... If you want to truly preserve the iconic American community, you have to throw money at a certain small town -- a place where everyone knows their neighbor, where you can leave your doors unlocked without fear, where hard work and traditional values are all that stands between you and a better life. ... It doesn't exist, but it just got $500 million from Michael Chertoff." --Daily Show correspondent Rob Corddry

Jokes for the Weeks of May 21-June 3

"Former Enron founder Ken Lay and CEO Jeffrey Skilling found guilty in the Enron case. Ken Lay is so guilty I'm surprised people aren't calling him Congressman Ken Lay. Wait 'till these guys find out in prison that insider trading has a whole new meaning." --Jay Leno

"Earlier today, the Capitol building in Washington, D.C. was on lock down because someone heard gunshots coming from the parking lot. When the Capitol police heard this, they all said the same thing: 'Cheney.'" --Jay Leno

"In what has become standard procedure in these kind of situations, police conducted a room-by-room search of the Capitol building. That's just what congressmen want to hear this week -- a knock at the door and it's the police. They were flushing bribe money down the toilet. Ted Kennedy was out on the ledge naked." --Jay Leno

"Mexican President Vicente Fox is in the United States this week. He said he came here so he could speak directly to the Mexican people one on one. ... In fact, he was in Sacramento yesterday addressing our lawmakers. And out of a force of habit, they gave him a driver's license." --Jay Leno

"Vicente Fox said ... a fence on the border is not the answer to immigration. No, he says his answer is a bridge with a carpool lane for vehicles with 40 or more people in it." --Jay Leno

"The former Governor of New Jersey has written a book in which he said he had a lot of anonymous gay sex with a lot of different men. I'm sorry, that's the book Ken Lay's going to write in a few years." --Jay Leno

"Former New Jersey Governor Jim McGreevy has written a book. In the book, he says he tried to have anonymous gay sex at truck stops with truckers and when that didn't work out, he would try to pick up men in bookstores. People are shocked. I mean, half the country can't imagine having sex with a trucker at a truck stop and the other half can't imagine going into a bookstore." --Jay Leno

"Today is the 53rd anniversary of explorer Edmund Hillary getting to the top of Mt. Everest. 53 years. ... Now if we could just get a guy on top of Condoleezza Rice." --David letterman

"Former Enron executives Ken Lay and Jeffrey Skilling were found guilty of bankrupting the company and its employees. Both are facing over 100 years in prison. This makes them the only two Enron employees who don't have to worry about paying for retirement. ... During the trial, Ken Lay repeatedly told reporters that the case was 'in the hands of God.' Yea, and soon, his ass will be in the hands of someone named 'Jesus'" --Conan O'Brien

"Has anybody seen the Al Gore movie about global warming and the environment? Well, the Bush administration has seen it and they are very annoyed about the whole thing. As a matter of fact, earlier today, Dick Cheney shot a projectionist. ... One very dramatic scene in the Al Gore global warming movie is when a glacier melts and they find more Al Gore ballots from the election." --David Letterman

"A jury found former Enron sleezeballs Ken Lay and Jeff Skilling guilty of fraud and conspiracy. Ken Lay? That's not a good name to have when you're going to prison. And Kenny Boy ain't too good either. ... I guess in prison they'll have done to them what they did to the stockholders." --Jay Leno

"Former CEO of Enron Ken Lay is going away. He's going to be sentenced in September, and it could be 16-18 years. But he got some good news today -- Martha said she'd wait for him." --David Letterman

"Well, there's a bright side to this for Ken Lay. You know, throughout the years Ken Lay has been a big campaign contributor to the Republican Party. So now, he'll be able to meet with those same people when he goes to prison." --Jay Leno

"Special Council Patrick Fitzgerald has suggested that Dick Cheney could be called to testify in the perjury case of his former chief of staff, Scooter Libby. Political experts say that even if Cheney is called, he is not going to stab his friends in the back. Shoot them in the face? Yeah. But stab them in the back? No." --Jay Leno

"The President of Mexico, Vicente Fox, is here in the United States for four days. Yea, that's how it starts. Four days, then four weeks and then four months. ... Actually when he arrived, he was greeted in the traditional manner. He was immediately offered a job at Wal-Mart." --Jay Leno

"Vicente Fox told reporters he opposes building a wall along the border because it will not solve the immigration problem. What does he care if we build a wall? I wasn't sure if building a wall would work either until I heard the president of Mexico said don't build a wall. Now, I want to build a wall." --Jay Leno

"We are very proud here in California. Highest gas prices in the nation are in San Diego at an average of $3.40 a gallon. This is especially tough on illegal immigrants. Do you know how hard it is to hide in the trunk of a hybrid car?" --Jay Leno

"There's a movement in Arizona now to turn voting there into a lottery. This is real. The way it would work is that after every election, one voter would win a million dollars. So basically, you'd vote a Democrat and end up a Republican." --Jay Leno

"They found a sunken Roman city city off the coast of Egypt that is 2,000 years old. They believe is happened during the reign of Emperor Ray Nagin." --Jay Leno

"At the end of last night's 'American Idol,' Ryan Seacrest announced that more than 63 million votes were cast, which is more than any president in U.S. history has ever received. ... In a related story, this morning Hillary Clinton bought a karaoke machine." --Conan O'Brien

"President Vicente Fox of Mexico is on an official visit to the United States. Fox has only been in the U.S. for three days, and he's already got a job and a Social Security number." --Conan O'Brien

"Saddam Hussein's former adviser, Tariq Aziz, testified at Saddam's trial while wearing pajamas. Aziz said he was confused and thought he was testifying at the Michael Jackson trial." --Conan O'Brien

"First Lady Laura Bush flew from Washington to New York and instead of flying Air Force One, she took the Delta Shuttle. The first lady said she did this because unlike Air Force One, commercial airlines are cheaper, they waste less gas, and she doesn't get stuck sitting next to a dumb guy." --Conan O'Brien

"Israeli Prime Minister Ehud Olmert arrived in Washington to meet with President Bush. He's talking with President Bush about the Israeli-Palestinian border and believe me, if there's anyone you want border advice from, it's President Bush." --Jay Leno

"I guess Vicente Fox wanted to get here before we tighten the immigration laws. ... Even though President Fox has only been in the United States two days, today the INS said they have no way to find him." --Jay Leno

"The Mexican government has been accused of encouraging its citizens to illegally immigrate to the United States. They say they're not. I'm not so sure. Someone sent me a picture of this sign in Mexico [on screen: Salma Hayek. 90 miles]." --Jay Leno

"As many as 26 and a half million veterans reported at risk for identity theft after someone stole a computer disk containing their names, birth dates and social security numbers. Why aren't these files put somewhere where no one can find them, like the same place where we keep President Bush's National Guard records?" --Jay Leno

"As you may have heard, Louisiana Congressman William Jefferson was caught on tape taking a $100,000 bribe and then the FBI found $90,000 in cash in his freezer. Jefferson said he didn't do anything wrong. He said he just fell in with the wrong crowd. You know, other congressmen." --Jay Leno

"Today the FBI searched Ted Kennedy's freezer -- found 90,000 frozen daiquiris." --Jay Leno

"Hillary Clinton called for Americans to save gas by returning to the 55 mile per hour speed limit. ... I'm not going to believe she's serious about saving gas until I see her and Bill actually drive somewhere together in the same car." --Jay Leno

"The Federal Trade Commission said today they did not find any signs, no signs that the oil industry illegally manipulated gas prices. They also found no signs of steroid use in baseball, there was no gang activity in Los Angeles and Kenny Rogers had no plastic surgery whatsoever." --Jay Leno

"Let's see what's new with New Jersey Governor Jim 'Keep On Truckin' McGreevy. ... Former New Jersey Governor Jim McGreevy has written a book where he said he used to cruise highway rest stops looking to have anonymous sex with gay truckers. ... At what point do you stop having anonymous sex at truck stops and say to yourself I'm tired of this, I'd rather be governor?" --Jay Leno

"McGreevy said he came out of the closet when he realized where this sort of lifestyle would lead -- marriage to Liza Minelli." --Jay Leno

"A New Jersey company has developed an inhaler they say increases sex drive in women. They say it stimulates the brain to make you want to have sex with your partner. It's an inhaler. You know what the means? One day on the campaign trail, Hillary may be able to claim she never inhaled either." --Jay Leno

"Down in Washington, D.C. earlier today, it was so hot. It was so hot in Washington that one congressman actually got into the freezer with his bribe money." --David Letterman

"Speaking of the weather, Al Gore has a brand new movie out and it paints a very bleak picture about global warming. Apparently, Ted William's head is nearly defrosted." --David Letterman

"The president of Mexico has arrived in the U.S., thanks to some nifty fence climbing. ... I thought this was encouraging. He offered to take President Bush's job for $3 an hour cash." --David Letterman

"You know about this former New Jersey Governor Jim McGreevy? He's got a new gay memoir. ... I believe it's called the 'Versace Code.'" --David Letterman

"Osama bin Laden ... sent over another one of those videotapes -- chilling, chilling. In the videotape, he boasts that we will never find him or Jimmy Hoffa" --David Letterman

"President Bush met with the prime minister of Israel and the prime minister told Bush that he intends to defend Israel's borders. When he heard this, Bush said, 'You mean you have trouble with Mexicans, too?'" --Conan O'Brien

"Louisiana Congressman William Jefferson ... was videotaped accepting a $100,000 bribe. He said he will not resign even though the FBI agents found 90,000 of it in his freezer. In Washington, that's known as a 'bribecycle.'" --Jay Leno

"This is really unified in both parties. House Speaker Dennis Hastert ... has attacked the FBI for raiding the congressman's office, saying it was an abuse of power. Imagine the nerve of the FBI treating members of Congress like they are regular Americans. Can you imagine? If there's anything that people who make the laws hate is being treated like the people who have to follow the laws." --Jay Leno

"Today the Republicans said this raid may have violated protections for congressmen that are spelled out in the Constitution. The Constitution? All of a sudden they found a copy? Where was this when they were spying on our phone calls?" --Jay Leno

"Mexican President Vicente Fox arrived in the U.S. today. So, it's official. He's the last one. Turn out the lights. They are all here now." --Jay Leno

"The Senate has passed a resolution to make English the official language of the United States. Today President Bush said this is the 'goodest news' he's heard in a long time." --Jay Leno

"According to a recent poll, 84% of Americans approve of making English the official language. I'd be happy if they made English the official language of 7-11." --Jay Leno

"Vice President Dick Cheney is here in California to try and boost the campaigns of several of the Republican candidates out here. Boy, how low are you in the polls when you bring in Cheney to help you get your numbers up?" --Jay Leno

"Cheney loves California. See, out here, rich and famous people can shoot other people and get away with it." --Jay Leno

"In his new autobiography, former New Jersey Governor Jim McGreevy ... reveals that he used to cruise highway truck stops looking for gay sex. Say what you want to about the guy. How many candidates are willing to go out there and press the flesh like that? ... We have a copy of his new book right here. It's called, 'My Search for a Mandate.'" --Jay Leno

"This is a shocking statistic. One out of every 136 Americans are currently behind bars. Even more shocking -- one out of every three Kennedys is currently in a bar." --Jay Leno

"Vicente Fox, the president of Mexico, arrived in the United States today for a state visit. Unfortunately, Fox was caught at the border and sent back to Mexico." --Conan O'Brien

"President Bush told reporters he won't see Al Gore's documentary about the threat of global warming. He will not see it. On the other hand, Dick Cheney said he's seen the global warming film five times, and it still cracks him up." --Conan O'Brien

"Beautiful weather here in New York. Isn't it a lovely, sunny Spring? It was so nice today that Al Gore said, 'Hey, this global warming's not so bad.'" --David Letterman

"Don't kid yourself. Global warming is no joke. Here's how serious global warming has gotten to be in the United States. In this country global warming is so bad, we are now actually starting to warm up to Barry Bonds." --David Letterman

"The Federal Trade Commission has ruled that oil companies are not gouging customers. They say, technically, they're screwing customers." --David Letterman

"President Bush has proposed sweeping immigration changes, which is pretty amazing when you consider before he became president, Bush thought immigration was the sincerest form of flattery." --Jay Leno

"President Bush signed a huge tax cut bill. He's hoping the tax cut for the rich will attract a wealthier, more affluent group of illegal immigrants." --Jay Leno

"The Senate has passed a resolution to make English the official language of the United States. When asked if they approve of the resolution, 75% of the people in Los Angeles said, 'Si.'" --Jay Leno

"A lot of sleazy politicians in the news today. Former New Jersey Governor Jim McGreevy has written a book where he says ... he used to cruise highway truck stops looking to have sex with gay truckers. How many times have we seen this? Just another government official screwing a consumer at the gas pump." --Jay Leno

"Former President Bill Clinton has signed another book deal. We have an advanced copy of his new book. It's the 'Five People You Meet Under My Desk.'" --Jay Leno

"Scientists now believe that they may be able to teach birds grammar. ... And if they succeed teaching grammar to the birds, they're going to try the same thing with President Bush." --David Letterman

"In a recent interview, Hillary Clinton ... said in her spare time what she likes to do is download iTunes. And, of course, we all know in his spare time, Bill likes to download interns." --David Letterman

"Anybody go to the Madonna show here in L.A. last night? It was the opening of her 'Confessions' world tour. During the concert, she condemned President Bush, she pretended to be nailed to a cross, she spoke out about third world poverty, she dry humped a bunch of guys in leather pants. ... Doesn't matter how old she is, she never tones it down. I tell you what, it takes a lot of courage to go after President Bush in front of an audience almost made entirely of gay Hollywood men." --Jimmy Kimmel

Jokes for the Week of May 14-20

"The Senate voted to make English the national language of the United States. The vote drew protests from several immigrant groups and one governor of California." --Conan O'Brien

"Even though it's a little bit controversial, President Bush supports the effort to make English our national language. The president says making English our national language is not 'discriminatious.'" --Conan O'Brien

"The Pentagon announced today that Iraq's border is now 90% under control, which is pretty impressive when you realize San Diego's border is only 20% under control." --Jay Leno

"As you know, the National Guard stands by, ready to go into action any time the president of the United States feels there's a big enough of a disaster, like a major earthquake, a huge flood, a 29% approval rating. Any one of those things could trigger movement." --Jay Leno

"He went to a border town in Arizona yesterday. ... But, White House spokesman Tony Snow said it was not just a photo opportunity. No sirry Bob. Apparently, President Bush went down there looking for some guys about landscaping at the White House." --Jay Leno

"President Bush is pretty serious about this enforcement thing. In fact, before he left the border, he put up a scarecrow of Dick Cheney with a shotgun." --Jay Leno

"President Bush said today he has nothing but respect for Mexico and its people and he will always speak the truth to them. Here's my question: When can we get that deal?" --Jay Leno

"The Senate voted to make English the national language. More bad news for President Bush. Now he's got to learn that." --Jay Leno

"The Senate voted 63 to 34 to make English the official language of the United States, but they say as a largely symbolic amendment with no real effect. You know, kind of like that ethics bill." --Jay Leno

"Pat Robertson said this week that God told him that possibly a tsunami could hit the Pacific northwest this year. I don't want to be disrespectful, but possibly? ... Like God's thinking 60/40. ... Pat, that wasn't God. You fell asleep in front of the weather channel." --Jay Leno

"As part of the ongoing immigration debate, the Senate on Thursday voted 64 to 34 to make English America's national language. Coming in second: '70s jive talk." --Tina Fey

"A Senate committee on Thursday approved a constitutional amendment banning same sex marriage, apparently forgetting that our forefathers wore wigs and satin Capri pants." --Tina Fey

"Kenyan Muslims believe that a five-and-a-half pound tuna caught in the Indian Ocean off the coast of Mombasa, carries a message from Allah written among its scales. In a related story, this doctor [shows a picture of Bill Frist] doesn't think doesn't think condoms stop AIDS. And that's this week's edition of 'Religion Gone Nuts'" --Tina Fey

"Many governors of northeastern states are unwilling to volunteer their National Guard troops to assist with President Bush's border plan. They want the Guard troops doing what they do best: freaking people out at Amtrak stations." --Amy Poehler

"A Louisiana state Senate committee unanimously approved a ban on cock fighting, in what appears to be a first step in outlawing gay marriage" --Amy Poehler

"President Bush is sending troops to the Mexican border. He's going to have them look for tequila of mass destruction." --David Letterman

"The Bush administration is tightening immigration now. In order to cross the United States, you have to have legal documentation. If you want to get into the United States you have to have legal documentation or a 95 mile an hour fast ball." --David Letterman

"The Senate yesterday voted to make English the national language of the United States and also our national muffin. The English muffin. I'm glad they took some time out to work on that." --Jimmy Kimmel

"It's all part of this immigration reform bill that they're working on to help us forget how much we don't like them in Congress. President Bush was in Arizona checking out plans for this new fence he's building. They really should let him actually build the fence. Give him a shovel. I think he'd be good at that. ... But, he's a busy man, the president. He's juggling immigration and tax cuts. He's listening into our phone calls. He's got the war. He's got other wars he's planning." --Jimmy Kimmel

"Immigration is the big issue right now. Earlier today, the Senate voted to build a 370-mile fence along the Mexican border. ... Experts say a 370-mile fence is the perfect way to protect a border that is 1,900 miles long." --Conan O'Brien

"Attorney General Alberto Gonzales says he's not sure if his grandparents entered the United States legally. As a result, President Bush has sent the entire Gonzales family back to Ireland." --Conan O'Brien

"Tempers are running really high in Washington about a lot of issues. Yesterday, Senator Arlen Specter and Senator Russ Feingold got into a shouting match over the issue of gay marriage. ... As a result, Specter and Feingold have cancelled their wedding in the Florida Keys." --Conan O'Brien

"Bill Clinton is writing a book designed to encourage Americans to become more active in their communities. Clinton's book is called 'Don't Just Lay There'" --Conan O'Brien

"Remember the president of the Teamsters, Jimmy Hoffa? Well, he vanished and there were all these rumors and stories and myths about where he may be buried. It turns out now that the FBI got a tip and now they're looking everywhere for Jimmy Hoffa. Everywhere. The FBI is looking everywhere. And I'm thinking, 'that's great, but what about Osama bin Laden?'" --David Letterman

"The FBI, in their defense, are claiming they have a lead on the whereabouts of Jimmy Hoffa. They said he was last seen on a duck hunting trip with Dick Cheney." --David Letterman

"Bill Clinton is writing another book. The first one was an enormous book and it was his life story. This next one is going to be a fascinating book. In the book, Clinton describes one time when an intern held her breathe for nine minutes." --David Letterman

"Bush met with the prime minister of Australia at the White House the other day. The Australian prime minister asked President Bush, 'When was the last time you were down under?' Bush said, 'Oh, you must be thinking of the other president, President Clinton.'" --Jay Leno

"In an interview, Secretary of State Condoleezza Rice said that one of her all-time favorite songs is 'Rocket Man' by Elton John. ... She said the song reminds of her first boyfriend in college. 'Rocket Man'? So either he's very fast or very gay." --Jay Leno

"According to a poll Americans say they trust Democrats more than Republicans to deal with Iraq, the economy, immigration and other issues. In fact, if the election were held today ... John Kerry would still lose" --Jay Leno

"Finally a break. They may have found Jimmy Hoffa. 10 FBI agents armed with shovels dug up a farm after a tip it might contain the Teamster leader's remains. Of course, many myths surround Hoffa's disappearance. Some say he is buried in the end zone of the Giants' stadium. Some say he was dumped in Lake Michigan. Some think he is alive and in New Hampshire having an affair with a volunteer fireman that he calls 'Johnnycakes.' But I do hope, 31 years later, if they found him, it will make touchdown celebrations in the end zone of the Giants' stadium so much less creepy. Jimmy Hoffa. Still looking for Jimmy Hoffa. That means they'll find Osama bin Laden in 2037." --Jon Stewart

"President Bush called for the National Guard to patrol the U.S.-Mexican border. The guards will track down and find illegals. That's not their job. They're trained to defend our country -- not track down and find people. Let's be honest, the Guard couldn't even track down and find President Bush when he was in the National Guard." --Jay Leno

"President Bush said we'll have 6,000 troops on the border for one year, preferably an election year." --Jay Leno

"Conservative Republicans are very worried that there's no way to keep track of these illegal aliens. Yeah, we can't keep track of them unless they start making phone calls." --Jay Leno

"Have you noticed you don't see those Taco Bell ads anymore? Remember the ones that said, 'Make a run for the border?' For some reason those seem to have fallen out of favor." --Jay Leno

"Former Vice President Al Gore starring in a new documentary about global warming. I believe it's called [Leno snores]. ... The film actually features Al Gore and explores his journey on how he first got interested in temperature change. It started back when he was vice president. He noticed how the temperature would change, like whenever Bill would walk into the room, it would get warm and whenever Hillary walked into the room, it got cold." --Jay Leno

"The United States Senate today took some steps to keep illegal immigrants out of our 'American Idol' competitions. They voted to build a 370-mile long fence along the border between the U.S. and Mexico. They also announced that they're going to hire illegal immigrant workers to build it. ... The Senators voted overwhelmingly for the fence. As I said, it is 370 miles long. Unfortunately, the actual border with Mexico is more than 2,000 miles long. So, I guess the message is 'go around.' ... Tentatively, they're calling it 'The Great Wall of Chimichanga'" --Jimmy Kimmel

"Speaking of presidents, the other day in Florida, President Bush told his brother, Jeb, that he would make a great president. Then the president said, 'Any chance you can start next week?'" --Conan O'Brien

"I'd like to talk to you for a minute about Jesus. Have you taken him as your personal Lord and Savior? No? Then you're probably not in politics. In recent years, religious fundamentalists have evolved [on screen: John McCain]. I'm sorry -- intelligently designed themselves [on screen: Hillary Clinton] into a force to be reckoned with [on screen: Rev. Pat Robertson]. How powerful are they? [on screen: Howard Dean]. Powerful enough to make Howard Dean a temporary member of the 700 Club, which, by the way, is the number of votes he got from evangelicals when he ran for president. ... Well, he's on his knees, but I don't think he's praying" --Lewis Black, on The Daily Show

"As you know, President Bush announced a big change in our immigration policy. He's going to get one." --Jay Leno

"President Bush is proposing sending six thousands National Guard troops to bolster patrols along the U.S.-Mexican border. Or as he's calling it, "No Juan Left Behind." --Jay Leno

"President Bush said, "You can't take millions of people with deep roots in the country and send them across the border." Really? Mexico did it." --Jay Leno

"President Bush said that these troops will be at the border temporarily. You know, just until Mexico is ready to govern itself. Sound familiar?" --Jay Leno

"President Bush also said last night we do not yet have full control of the border. Full control? If we had any less control, there'd be an easy-pass lane." --Jay Leno

"President Bush also said in his speech that immigrants have to learn English. The immigrants said, 'Hey, you first.'" --Jay Leno

"He says before immigrants can become citizens of the United States, they should be able to speak proper English ... except for the word 'nuclear.'" --David Letterman

"The Mexican border will now have surveillance cameras and motion detectors. Our borders will be as secure as The Gap." --David Letterman

"Talk about an ordeal. Yesterday Senator Ted Kennedy was on an aircraft up here in the northeast and it was hit by lightning. They landed, luckily no one was hurt. But then he had to ride home from the airport with his son Patrick." --David Letterman

[Clip of Bush: America needs to conduct this debate on immigration in a reasoned and respectful tone...We cannot build a unified country by inciting people to anger or playing on anyone's fears]
Jon Stewart: "That's what terrorism and gay people are for."

"6,000 guardsmen deployed to the border. The guard, of course, terribly strapped, with so many of its members deployed to Iraq. Boy, I don't know what gave the guys who signed up for the National Guard the impression you can just join it and not have to do any work [on screen: a photo of Pres. Bush from his National Guard days]" --Jon Stewart

"Wow, the entire network of anchors has been hired to be the press secretary." --Jon Stewart on Fox News reaction to government's phone call database (Watch video clip)

"President Bush announced a plan to send 6,000 members of the National Guard to patrol the U.S.-Mexico border. When asked where we'll come up with 6,000 additional troops, the president said, 'Simple, we'll hire illegal immigrants.'" --Conan O'Brien

"Senator Hillary Clinton is being criticized because she recently called today's college kids 'lazy' and 'uninformed.' A spokesperson for college kids said, 'Whatever, lady from TV.'" --Conan O'Brien

"The newly elected mayor of New Jersey hired Apprentice winner Randall Pinkett. Which begs the question, If the winner of 'The Apprentice' ends up in Newark, what the hell happens to the loser?" --Conan O'Brien

"A British scientist has built a car he claims can get 8,000 miles on a gallon of gas. And today, Dick Cheney invited the guy to go hunting with him." --Jay Leno

"Last night was the season finale of 'West Wing.' 'West Wing' is gone. And ABC has cancelled 'Commander In Chief.' So, now the only fictional president is Bush." --David Letterman

"President Bush addressed the United States about immigration. This was odd. During the speech, he laid out his proposal and then he tried to hold his breath for nine minutes." --David Letterman

"President Bush is sending National Guard members to the Mexican border. And I'm telling you, between Iraq and the Mexican border, the National Guard is stretched tighter than Joan Rivers' face." --David Letterman

"President Bush talked to the nation tonight ... which is a refreshing change. Americans listening to the president, as opposed to the president listening to Americans." --Jay Leno

"In his speech, he outlined a plan to start patrolling the U.S.-Mexican border using members of the National Guard. He said this will give us the most secure border in the world one weekend a month and two full weeks in the summer. ... This will replace our old method of border control: the honor system." --Jay Leno

"On Thursday, the president will follow up his speech by going to the Arizona border, which is historic. It will be the first time he's actually ever shown up with a National Guard unit." --Jay Leno

"It's about as low as you can go without getting caught in a Port-O-John with George Michael" --Jimmy Kimmel, on Bush's low approval rating

Jokes for the Week of May 7-13

"A German publication did an interview with the president and asked Mr. Bush what was his best moment of his presidency, and he said it was the day that he caught a 7.5 pound perch. I couldn't make that up. Now, he leaves out the part that he was fishing in downtown New Orleans." --Bill Maher

"No, he was fishing on his ranch. He has a manmade lake that is artificially stocked with fish, and let's not forget the scuba divers who are under there who actually put the fish on the hook for him. And then Cheney comes over and they literally shoot fish in a barrel. The part I love is that he says he caught a 7.5 pound perch, when the biggest perch on record is 4.3 pounds. Bush lied and a fish died, that's all I have to say. And Cheney went even further. He said when they pulled the fish out of the water it greeted them as liberators." --Bill Maher

"Bush said his brother, Jeb, would make a great president. That's all we need. Big Brother's little brother." --Bill Maher

"Bush's approval rating has fallen into the 20s -- 29 percent in the latest poll. I tell you. It's hard out there for a chimp. ... He says he doesn't pay attention to the polls. If he wants to know what the American people are thinking, he'll listen to your calls." --Bill Maher

"I got a call last night during dinner from Verizon asking me if I was happy with my long distance surveillance." --Bill Maher

"The National Security Agency has been collecting the phone records of tens of millions of ordinary Americans. I just don't think Bush gets it. When people say these days that we need more intelligence in the White House, they're talking about something completely different." --Bill Maher

"Bush tried to assure everybody yesterday. His quote was 'We are not mining or trolling through the personal lives of innocent Americans. But in case you're wondering, Tom Cruise is gay.'" --Bill Maher

"The important distinction is that in the program that was revealed this week, they're not tapping your line, they're monitoring, they're just building a database -- which is looked over a bullet-headed general in a generalissimo outfit. What could go wrong? They're just collecting phone numbers but not doing anything with them. I don't know if that's against the Constitution. I know women hate that." --Bill Maher

"You know who I feel sorry for is Osama bin Laden because all that hating us for our freedom, and now he has to come up with a completely new reason to hate us." --Bill Maher

"I signed up for a new calling plan today -- the 'NSA Friends and Family' plan. For $100 a month, they listen to all my friends and all my family." --Jay Leno

"This Sunday, when you call your mom to wish her a Happy Mother's Day, don't forget to take a moment to say hello to President Bush." --Jay Leno

"A new poll shows that Americans now believe that Bill Clinton is more honest than President Bush. At least when Clinton screwed the nation, he did it one person at a time." --Jay Leno

"President Bush is going to address the nation Monday night on the immigration issue. Bush said he would have given the address tonight, but they couldn't get the 'Mission Accomplished' sign finished in Spanish soon enough." --Jay Leno

"Dick Cheney says he does expect to go hunting again. Of course, no guarantee he'll bag another lawyer" --Jay Leno

"President Bush's approval rating dropped to $3 a gallon." --Tina Fey

"In the wake of news that the NSA is monitoring American phone records, Sen. Arlen Specter, the judiciary committee chairman, said he would subpoena the phone companies to appear before his committee. The phone companies said they would try to be there some time between 10 a.m. and 6 p.m." --Tina Fey

"According to Secret Service logs, convicted lobbyist Jack Abramoff was at the White House only two times in the past fives years. Of course, the real question is: was it the same two times that President Bush was there?" --Tina Fey

"If the government has been monitoring my phone conversations, by god, they should be paying half of my phone sex bill." --David Letterman

"The House of Representatives passed the $70 billion tax cut capital gains and it's all part of President Bush's 'No Millionaire Left Behind' program." --David Letterman

"There's a guy in Washington, D.C. ... and he's searching through garbage and he finds a copy of President Bush's travel plans. ... Why don't we put this guy in charge of looking for bin Laden?" --David Letterman

"You can tell summer is just around the corner. ... Earlier today, Dick Cheney injured an old guy in a fishing accident." --David Letterman

"When I got home last night ... Dick Cheney was sitting on my bed reading my diary. ... I think the only reason the president is defending it is because they know about his calls to the Homework Hotline" --Jimmy Kimmel, on the NSA phone call database

"Mother's Day is ... the busiest long distance phone calling day of the year. Over 300 million long distance calls. And those are just the ones being monitored by the White House." --Jay Leno

"President Bush said he'd like to see his brother, Jeb, become president. Great campaign slogan -- 'Jeb Bush: Couldn't do any worse.'" --Jay Leno

"President Bush approval rating: all-time low. 31%. ... If Bush could run again in the next presidential election, he'd get beaten by the bird flu." --Jay Leno

"This Sunday NBC will finally air the last episode of its White House drama, the 'West Wing.' I say good riddance. When the series started out with Martin Sheen as a ... Democratic president, I thought 'Great, more of that what if the Nazis had won World War II alternative history bull crap.' But apparently, there were enough embittered, patchouli-smoking Gore voters tuning in to keep the show afloat year after year." --Stephen Colbert

"President Vladimir Putin gave his seventh annual address to Parliament. I watched mostly to see if he apologized to Vice President Cheney, who last week accused Putin of restricting human rights and hoarding oil. Perhaps not diplomatic, but to be fair, he did not shoot him in the face." --Stephen Colbert

"Are Democrats poised to re-take Congress in 2006? Joke's on them. By November, there won't be a Congress." --Stephen Colbert

"With these gas prices, I got smart. I'm driving the new Patrick Kennedy hybrid car. ... It runs on sleeping pills and when you get on the highway, it runs on alcohol." --Jay Leno

"A lot of people are very upset that Congressman Patrick Kennedy was not given a blood alcohol test after his car accident last week. I understand why they didn't do it. It's kind of like giving President Bush the SAT test. What's the point?" --Jay Leno

"The president of Iran has written a letter to President Bush. This Iranian president is very smart. To make sure Bush read the letter, he wrote it on Exxon stationary." --Jay Leno

"The president of Iran sent George Bush an 18-page letter. ... 18 pages? Yeah, like he's going to read that." --David Letterman

"The president said his brother Jeb 'would be a great president.' I guess we voted for the wrong one then." --Jimmy Kimmel

"Russia still very upset about recent comments Dick Cheney made about that country. But, I am sure the vice president thought out his words very carefully. Cheney, he's not the kind of guy to shoot from the hip" --Jay Leno

"President Bush's approval rating has dropped to a new low, 31%. In recent memory, only four presidents have had lower approval ratings: the president of Exxon, the president of Chevron, the president of Conoco, the president of Shell."

"The price of gas is getting so high, this morning I saw Patrick Kennedy and Rush Limbaugh carpooling to rehab together."

"As I'm sure you know by know, Patrick Kennedy blamed this whole incident on a sleep medication he was taking. That's what he said, he said he couldn't remember getting out of bed in the middle of the night and leaving his home. And today Bill Clinton said, "Good answer, good answer." --Jay Leno

"The hostess at a bar called the Hawk & Dove, says [Kennedy] was in the bar, and he was drinking. The Hawk & Dove, that's the name of the bar. Sounds like a place John Kerry would go: 'I'm for the war, I'm against the war, I'm for the war.'"

"The bird flu movie, here's what it is, the bird flu is coming, and government officials are slow to react to the coming disaster. Where do they get this stuff?" --David Letterman

"The most dangerous movie of the summer, 'An Inconvenient Truth,' starring Al Gore as, surprise, a fear-monger. Now, I've firmly established that I love truth in all its forms: God's-honest truth, cold, hard truth, even the awful truth. But, as it turns out, I'm not so crazy about inconvenient truth. Not convenient enough for me" --Stephen Colbert

"President Bush told a German newspaper in an interview over the weekend that his best moment since he became president was when he caught a 7-1/2 pound fish in his own lake. See, sometimes these Bush fishing expeditions can pay off." --Jay Leno

"President Bush said catching a 7.5 pound fish was his best moment since becoming president. You know the sad thing, a lot of historians would agree with that." --Jay Leno

"The head of the Fraternal Order of Police said it took Patrick Kennedy 19 hours to come up with an official explanation. Which may sound bad, but it still beats his dad's record by two hours, so it's pretty good." --Jay Leno

"In a commencement speech at the University of Oklahoma on Saturday, President Bush told graduates the job market is the best it's been in years. Well sure, look at all the openings just in his cabinet. There's plenty of jobs." --Jay Leno

"The head of the CIA, Porter Goss, resigned. He said he wanted to spend more time spying on his family." --Jay Leno

"The director of the CIA, Porter Goss, resigned, surprisingly. I guess on Friday he resigned. He said he wanted to spent more time giving bad intelligence to his family." --David Letterman

[On Bush saying Porter Goss 'led ably'] "Ouch. That guy must have sucked. I mean for god sakes, Mike Brown drowned New Orleans and he got 'heckuva job.' George Tenet thought WMDs were a slam dunk. He got the Presidential Medal of Freedom. Led ably? I think the last guy who was said to have led ably was Gary Cherone when he took over Van Halen. You do not want to be the poor man's Sammy Hagar." --Jon Stewart

"It's sad, really. I mean, I remember a time when the CIA would assassinate heads of state, install "puppet governments. If you wanted a coup, they were number one on your speed dial. Now days, most mental patients don't even think the CIA are the ones who put microchips in their brain. Don't think they can pull it off. Now they blame professional hockey. It's just embarrassing" --Daily Show correspondent Samantha Bee

"Congress debates, refines, and ultimately passes a bill, and the president signs it into law. Now, with most presidents, that's the end of the story. But sometimes a president goes a step further and issues a signing statement. It's an official document that says a law appears exactly as written except, and this is important, when the president doesn't feel like it. Before George W. Bush, they'd only been used 322 times in presidential history. Bush alone has issued 750, which brings us to Tonight's Word: Not. Adding the word 'not' to the end of a sentence negates everything that came before it [on screen: Like 'Godfather III']. A signing statement is the presidential equivalent [on screen: Popular with Congress ... Not]. Now, the president uses more formal language, like 'I don't think the Constitution protects certain kinds of prisoners' [on screen: The Arrested Kind]. But this way, the president can make sure a law is applied the way the founders intended, specifically, the founders of the Bush administration. It leaves nothing to chance [on screen: Or the Judiciary]" --Stephen Colbert

Read Jokes for January-April, 2006