"Taking care of all Iraqi business in the time it takes to watch 'Two and a Half Men'" --Jon Stewart, on the 30-minute first session of Iraq's parliamen

"The real shame of course of the half hour of parliament if for the Iraqi version of C-SPAN: Half an hour of parliament, 23 and a half hours of zip. I guess Iraqi C-SPAN is going to be really boring" --Jon Stewart

"We estimate that there are perhaps 20,000 prehistoric hunter-gatherers frozen up in those glaciers. Now, if they simply thaw and wander around, it's not a problem, but if they find a leader -- a Captain Caveman, if you will -- we'll be facing an even more serious problem." --Daily Show correspondent John Hodgman, on the dangers of global warming

Jokes for the Week of March 12-18

"New rule: When President Bush meets an autistic teenager, they must wear name tags so we can tell them apart." --Bill Maher (Watch video clip)

"New rule: You can't be as tired as we are of you. The latest excuse for Bush administration foul-ups is that top members of the White House staff are physically and emotionally exhausted. Hmmm, if there was just some sort of stress-relieving activity that could be performed right there in the Oval Office. I'd suggest a nice vacation out in the country, but the last time that happened, somebody got shot." --Bill Maher (Watch video clip)

"Ireland's Prime Minister was at the White House. He presented the president with a bowl of shamrocks. And in return, Bush handed over his traditional gift to other nations, nuclear technology." --Bill Maher

"Claude Allen, a top domestic adviser for the president, works in the White House, charged with shoplifting at Target. Wow, that's like doing a dine-and-dash at Burger King." --Bill Maher

"Gale Norton quit, she wanted to spend more time with concrete. And today the president appointed the Governor of Idaho, Dirk Kempthorne. I know, it sounds like a porn star, doesn't it? But the Bush administration says he meets all their qualifications: He's a friend of the timber industry, he does everything Karl Rove says, and he's never stolen a TV set." --Bill Maher

"Chile's New President , Michelle Bachelet is her name... She is a single mother, a socialist and an agnostic. In this country not only could she not be elected president, but her phone would be tapped by the FBI." --Bill Maher

"President Bush, this is what he said. He said he's not worried about his approval rating at 33% because he said he promises to reverse those numbers. Now I'm not a mathematician, but if you take 33 and reverse it, isn't it still 33?" -- Jay Leno

"According to a new survey by the Pew Research Center, Republicans are happier than Democrats. Well of course they are, they own everything." --Jay Leno

"That makes sense - if you're a Republican politician, you get wined and dined by oil companies, bankers, foreign investors. If you're a Democrat, you have to go to things like rallies for illegal migrant workers and meet with angry lesbians for animal rights. That's no fun." --Jay Leno

"Here's a good reason to drink, Congress has approve a new ceiling for the national debt. They had to, because the current national debt was starting to go so high that it was going to go past the legal limit, so they just raised it. And our new national debt is $9 trillion, not million, not billion. To put $9 trillion in perspective, that is more than Oprah makes in a week. It works out to about $30,000 in debt to every single American, including kids. In other words, the government has borrowed $30,000 from each of us and blown it all on Hummers and grenade launchers. It's like we're all married to Kevin Federline." --Jimmy Kimmel

"Things did not go well at the White House St. Patrick's Day party. Did you hear what happened? Dick Cheney shot a leprechaun." --Jay Leno

"President Bush met with the Prime Minister of Ireland, who gave him the traditional bowl of shamrocks. There was an awkward moment when President Bush said, 'Where are the pink hearts and yellow moons?'" --Conan O'Brien

"This bird flu is scary, you frightened by this? I spent an hour last night rubbing Vick's Vap-o Rub on my parakeet." --Jay Leno

"More bad news for President Bush, his approval rating now dropped again, now at 33%. I tell you, when he was at college his blood alcohol level was higher than that. I'll give you an idea of how bad Bush's approval rating is, today he got turned down by Di-Tech." --Jay Leno

"I'm surprised that Jessica Simpson is distancing herself from the president. I mean they have a lot in common: They're both from Texas, they're both under constant press scrutiny and they both have no clue about what's going on in Iraq." --Jay Leno

"Earlier today, the Pentagon launched the biggest air attack in Iraq since 2003. The White House said the attack will continue until President Bush's approval rating goes above 40%." --Jay Leno

"We're coming up to the third anniversary of the invasion of Iraq. I'm not sure how Bush is going to mark the occasion. I think we can rule out landing on an aircraft carrier and declaring mission accomplished." --Jay Leno

"Last night, Jessica Simpson turned down an invitation to meet President Bush at a fundraiser. Yeah, Bush said he invited Simpson because he likes being around people who challenge him." --Conan O'Brien

"Secretary of Health and Human Services Michael Leavitt is recommending that Americans keep canned tuna and powdered milk under their beds for when the bird flu hits. Well, that should silence critics who say the Administration doesn't have a plan to deal with the bird flu, huh?" -- Jay Leno

"Jessica Simpson was scheduled to meet with President Bush on behalf of her favorite charity, Operation Smile, but changed her mind when she found out the event was a Republican Party fundraiser. Fortunately former President Clinton has stepped up and volunteered to meet with Jessica himself about this important charitable event and not at a fundraiser, at a totally nonpartisan Ramada Inn well outside of Washington D.C." --Jimmy Kimmel

"I know the country has been mired in deficit spending and it's been terrible burden on the country in terms of interest payments. Good news today out of Washington. They haven't paid down the debt or come up with any program to do so. What they did is raise the limit of debt we can go to to $9 trillion. It sends a great message to the kids: Hey, are you getting an F? Don't study harder, make the grading curve go out to K. Then your F looks like a C." --Jon Stewart

"The FBI is investigating Americans -- just for opposing the war. You know, maybe when we're done establishing a democracy in Iraq, we could try it over here. Stop, I don't want to get investigated, don't applaud!" --Jay Leno

"It's also spring break in Iraq. It's kinda like here, half of them getting bombed, half of them getting stoned." --Jay Leno

"Mexican President Vincente Fox announced that they have discovered oil under the Gulf of Mexico. In a related story, President Bush accused Mexico of having weapons of mass destruction." --Jay Leno

"Former President Bill Clinton is telling people that his gut is saying that America is ready for a woman president. And I would say to President Clinton that's not your gut talking." --David Letterman

"Snap! Censure! A moral condemnation of the president so severe it's only happened once before to President Andrew Jackson, who was never heard from again. Oh, wait [picture of the $20 bill]." --Jon Stewart, on Sen. Russ Feingold's motion to censure President Bush

"First Lady Laura Bush said she started exercising when she married President Bush because it was already part of his lifestyle. Isn't that nice? Yeah, that also explains why she stopped reading." --Conan O'Brien

"In a remarkable speech over the weekend, Secretary of Health and Human Services Michael Leavitt recommended that Americans store canned tuna and powdered milk under their beds for when bird flu hits. What? This ranks right up there with "duck and cover" during a nuclear attack. In case of radiation wear a hat. Powdered milk and tuna? How many would rather have the bird flu?" --Jay Leno

"In front of a crowd in Florida this past weekend, Al Gore said that, "The people of the United States are going to stand up and take our country back." And then the manager of the karaoke bar took the microphone away and said, "Either sing or sit down buddy." --Jay Leno

"People in Utah are very upset with HBO because of the show that follows "The Sopranos" called "Big Love." It's about a man in Utah who has three families and seven kids with three different wives. Didn't that used to be called the NBA?" --Jay Leno

"Tough day for the Bush administration. A guy named Claude Allen has been arrested and charged in Maryland with swindling Target and some other department stores out of refunds. He allegedly made off without about $5000 or so which is officially the smallest amount of money ever stolen by a Republican." --Jimmy Kimmel

"President Bush's approval rating is not good. A new Gallup poll puts it at just 36% which is a new low for his presidency. He is just slightly more popular than herpes now." --Jimmy Kimmel

"Everybody's excited about March Madness, the big NCAA tournament? Here's how it works: It starts at 65, then 64, then 32, then 16. It's just like Bush's approval rating." --David Letterman

"Bush's former domestic policy advisor Claude Allen, he's now charged with defrauding department stores. And when Bush heard about this he was stunned, he was shocked. He had no idea he had a domestic policy adviser." --David Letterman

"They said on the news tonight that U.S. spy satellites are being used to track infected birds with the bird flu. Well, they worked so well in the hunt for Osama bin Laden." --Jay Leno

"An analyst now says that killing this port deal has hurt our standing in the Muslim world. Oh my god, I'd hate to see anything take away our standing as the Great Satan." --Jay Leno

"South Korean Prime Minister Lee Hae-Chan ... has offered to resign after he was criticized for playing golf instead of overseeing the government response to a railway strike. Imagine that, a government official doing nothing in the face of a natural disaster. Thank god that could never happen here. Actually, Lee Hae-Chan is a Korean name, it means FEMA." --Jay Leno

"Over the weekend, Bill and Hillary Clinton were spotted hiking in a national park near Washington. Yeah, after a 10-mile hike, Bill said 'I just can't seem to shake her'"

"The Sopranos are a lot like the Bush administration. There are wiretaps, people going to jail, and the second in command accidentally shoots his best friend." --Jay Leno

"Did you folks see 'The Sopranos' last night? Fans had to wait two years, two years for a new episode. Apparently the show's now being produced by FEMA" --David Letterman

"Sen. Russ Feingold, who I believe is running for president, said over the weekend he's pushing the Senate to censure the president over spying. Bush, he isn't worried about it, he knew it was coming. He'd been listening to Feingold's conversations for the last three months." --Jay Leno

"The United States is closing Abu Ghraib prison. This'll probably put the one-hour photo shop across the street out of business" --Jay Leno

"On Saturday at the Hague, Slobodan Milosevic died. Despot, madman, husband, father? He will be, uh, buried." --Jon Stewart

"Do you think it's too soon to be hitting on Mrs. Milosevic?" --David Letterman

"It was the same old script. The president said, Hey, let's take the time to gather the evidence and discuss this reasonably. And the electorate said No, our mind is made up in advance. Even an ask questions first, shoot later type like Bush is no match for fearmongers who try to relate everything to the war on terror. And you know who you are, everyone but the president." --Daily Show correspondent Rob Corddry

"[Bush] is the one who has to travel the world talking to these foreign leaders. Have you seen what he had to do to Air Force One? He had to add a maple leaf to the back. He added a maple leaf just so he didn't have to constantly explain to the rest of the world what d*cks we are." --Daily Show correspondent Rob Corddry

Jokes for the Week of March 5-11

"South Dakota Gov. Mike Rounds on Monday signed legislation banning almost all abortions in the state. As a result, South Dakota is changing its motto from 'Under God, the People Rule' to 'You should have thought of that before prom.'" --Tina Fey

"Pentagon records show that at least 8,000 members of the all-volunteer U.S. Army have deserted since the Iraq war began. Hey, at least somebody has an exit strategy." --Tina Fey

"Because of various security lapses, some senators are calling for a probe of the security at the offices of the Department of Homeland Security. The investigation will be conducted by the Department of Irony." --Amy Poehler

"More people, particularly Republicans, disapprove of President Bush's performance. They're questioning his character now and they no longer consider him a strong leader on terrorism. Yeah, apparently there's a little more to this whole presidency thing than just not getting blown." --Bill Maher

"Bush said today canceling [the ports deal] sends a bad message to the Arab world. You know, not like invading their countries, putting them on leashes, making them masturbate, but bad" --Bill Maher

"An unnamed American entity is going to take over. The rumor is that it's Halliburton. Talk about arrogant. You know that sign Bush stands in front of all the time with the writing on it? Today it just said, 'Eat me.'" --Bill Maher

"They're finally closing the Abu Grab-ass prison. I don't know if there's a coincidence, but it's the same week they're closing Neverland." --Bill Maher

"The only drug sold at Wal-Mart should be pot in the parking lot. Wal-Mart has announced that they will now dispense the 'morning-after' contraceptive pill, because nothing says to a young lady, "I really care," like a trip to Wal-Mart. Besides, Wal-Mart shoppers already have access to the most effective form of birth control: watching how children behave at Wal-Mart." --Bill Maher

"Our Homeland Security people tell us that the birds carrying the dreaded bird flu could reach our shores within three months. And Bush said we are fully prepared. He's going to have Cheney shoot them."

"Gale Norton, the woman who has been our secretary of the interior for the last five years, the one guarding our environment, you know, she's stepping down. She says she wants to spend more time strip-mining her family"--Bill Maher

"To get even with us, the United Arab Emirates is talking about not buying any American made products. Looks like we got them there too. We don't make any products in America anymore." --Jay Leno

"Dubai announced they will sell ownership of the six American ports to another investor. The bad news: It's Iran. This is the biggest setback for the Bush administration, well, all day." --Jay Leno

"Dubai backed out of the deal to buy the six American ports today. They're gone, they're out. I'll tell you why: Apparently they're too good for our ports. That is so racist." --Jon Stewart

"Lobbyist and convicted felon Jack Abramoff said he is good friends with indicted Congressman Tom DeLay, and sometimes they sit down and they discuss the Bible together. Apparently they didn't discuss the 'Thou shalt not steal' commandment. Apparently they never got that far." --Jay Leno

"Republicans in Congress want to stop the sale of those six sea ports to that Dubai company even though President Bush supports that deal. Republican congressmen say this issue involves something even more important than loyalty to the president: Saving their own asses on election day in November." --Jay Leno

"That's something you rarely see -- Republicans rejecting a business deal. That's like a Democrat turning down a hooker." --Jay Leno, on the port deal

"It's now believed Iran has the capability to make nuclear weapons but hasn't done it yet. Which could be big trouble, because if there's one thing the Bush Administration won't tolerate, it's a middle eastern country that could have weapons of mass destruction, that doesn't." --Jay Leno

"Earlier today, President Bush flew to New Orleans. There was an awkward moment when the president looked around and said 'Oh my god, what the hell happened here?'" --Conan O'Brien

"Hillary Clinton said today that she didn't know her husband, Bill Clinton, was giving the Arabs advice on the port deal while she was ruling against it. Can you believe that? Hillary was clueless about a major political event. You know what that means. she could really be the next president of the United States." --Jay Leno

"Vice President Dick Cheney has donated $2.7 million to the hospital at the George Washington University. He wants to make sure the next guy he shoots is taken care of first-class." --Jay Leno

"Dick Cheney is donating more than $2 million to the cardiac center that treats him. Well in Cheney's case, it's not really a donation, it's an advance." --Conan O'Brien

"Iran said they will inflict harm and pain on the United States if we try to stop their nuclear program. Who's writing their speeches now -- Mr. T?" --Jay Leno

"There are now more than 1 million lawyers in the United States. See, that's what Dick Cheney was doing, he was thinning the herd." --Jay Leno

"Polls not looking good for President Bush, has an approval rating of 34%, his lowest ever. In fact, if the election were held today, he'd still beat John Kerry, but it's not good." --Jay Leno

"Randy 'Duke' Cunningham sentenced to 8 years in prison. You see, it really is hard out there for a pimp." --Jay Leno

"Madonna is looking to buy a home in Israel, and today the PLO told Israel 'Okay, you can have the land back.'" --Jay Leno

"More problems for Hillary Clinton. The head of New York state's leading gay rights group describes Hillary Clinton as a disappointment on samesex marriage. Today, her husband bill described her as a disappointment on opposite sex marriage." --Jay Leno

"Did you know the winner of this year's best foreign language film got an Oscar and one of our seaports?" --Jay Leno

"In his acceptance speech, George Clooney said he was proud to be out of touch, and today George Bush said, 'Hey, me too.'" --Jay Leno

"For someone who's so into praying, [George W. Bush] really sucks at it. God never listens to him. ... So the president happened to miss one warning [about Katrina breaches]. Not a big deal. Unfortunately, by the next night, the Homeland Security Operations Center continued to report that no levees had been breached, despite having received at least 16 reports to the contrary. It's really just a simple case of he said, and they, they, they, they and they said." --Jon Stewart

"President Bush says America has caused an incredible transformation in Afghanistan. He said everything's being rebuilt, people are getting jobs, kids are going back to school. He said it works so well that he's thinking of trying it in New Orleans." --Jay Leno

"President Bush was also in Pakistan. Which is a little scary. When they landed there they landed in the dark with the lights off and all the shades pulled down. So if you count the Dubai deal, that's the second time President Bush has been operating in the dark." --Jay Leno

"Plans were announced to raise $300 million for the George W. Bush Presidential Library. $300 million. That's almost $150 million per book." --Jay Leno

"Hillary Clinton now says she didn't know her husband was giving Dubai advice on the port deal while she was ruling against it. Hillary not knowing what her husband was doing, is that the first time this has happened?" --Jay Leno

"I'm sure you have heard by now, Bill Clinton is looking for 25 interns to work at his library. I was thinking about that, could you fit 25 interns of them in his library? Clinton says that anyone he hires must be good on the computer, good on the coffee table, good on top of the copy machine." --Jay Leno

"The Oscars were seen in over 100 countries, two of which don't hate us." --Jay Leno

"George Clooney won for Syriana, which was about the CIA and what people will do for oil. Or as Dick Cheney calls it, a love story." --Jay Leno

Jokes for the Week of Feb. 26-March 4

"The video tape that everybody is talking about this week is the one of President Bush ... being warned by federal disaster officials repeatedly the day before Katrina struck. They're constantly saying to him it's going to happen and he doesn't ask a single question. I think it's a shame the president's performance was too late for this year's Oscars because, usually when you play a retarded guy, you're going to win." --Bill Maher

"Air Force One arrived [in Pakistan] today landing there after dark with the lights off and the window shades drawn. And then Osama bin Laden made a speech and said, 'Bush can run, but he can't hide. Karl Rove told the president that if his approval ratings dipped any lower they were going to have to arrive home the same way." --Bill Maher

"President Bush got off the plane in Pakistan and said, 'Pakistan is a force for freedom in the Arab world.' Only problem there is Pakistan is not free and they're not Arab. ... Earlier in the week he referred to the people of India as Native Americans." " --Bill Maher

"When he was in India he saw a woman with the red dot on her head. He thought she had been hunting with Cheney." --Bill Maher

"At least in India he was greeted by thousands of people waving American flags. They were on fire." --Bill Maher

"Earlier today on his visit to Pakistan, President Bush mistakenly called Pakistan an Arab country instead of a Muslim country. Then he said, 'Good thing no one over here takes that stuff seriously'" --Conan O'Brien

"President George Bush is in India right now. He's hoping to outsource FEMA." --David Letterman

"We went through the files and found an old classic Bill Clinton in India joke. ... President Clinton is visiting India and today and he rode an elephant. I believe it's the biggest thing he's mounted that didn't get him impeached." --David Letterman

"This week President Bush made a surprise visit to Afghanistan. The president said he heard it was a good place for an embattled leader to disappear into the mountains." --Tina Fey

"President Bush and the Indian prime minister agreed Thursday on a landmark nuclear energy agreement in which the U.S. would share its nuclear know-how and fuel with India. And, in exchange, India would take all our jobs."--Tina Fey

"President Bush is so in favor of outsourcing that he introduced the world to the new U.S. President, Sanje Rashnee." --Tina Fey

"This week President Bush's approval rating hit an all-time low of 34%. To improve this rating, the administration is going to adopt an adorable and precocious little black kid." --Amy Poehler

"Another way the Oscars will be different this year ... normally, when a speech goes a little over the orchestra plays them off. This year they're going to have Dick Cheney take them out." --Jay Leno

"Dick Cheney will resign in the year 2007. That's what they're saying. In fact Cheney, himself, said today he's going to leave when shooting guys in the face just isn't fun anymore." --Jay Leno

"According to the internet ... Cheney was having an affair with the woman he was hunting with and that she fired the shot that hit the lawyer and Cheney took the blame to protect her, which sounds possible until you realize that means the woman would have to be having sex with Dick Cheney." --Jay Leno

"President Bush says Osama bin Laden actually helped him defeat John Kerry in the election. Too bad Bush can't find bin Laden to thank him personally." --Jay Leno

"President Bush said today his plan to fight terrorism is simple and straightforward -- go after the evildoers, track them down, find out where they're hiding and then sell them our seaports." --Jay Leno

"Even as Hillary Clinton was working to try and stop this Dubai port deal, her husband, Bill Clinton, was advising Dubai on how to get the deal through. ... Forget women, now he's cheating on her with other countries." --Jay Leno

"That Arab company that was going to guard our seaports -- they have agreed to allow a formal investigation into the deal. They agreed to it! That's big of them. I knew they were running our ports -- I didn't know they were running our government, too." --Jay Leno

"On the port deal, a lot of Republican congressmen are saying let's not rush to judgment, let's investigate it and be sure of our facts. Gee, too bad they didn't try that before we invaded Iraq." --Jay Leno

"They're now talking about bringing in a guy from Dubai to run the country" --Jay Leno, on Bush's low approval ratings

"Even Tom DeLay is saying this port deal is a big mistake. He said if the people of Dubai want to be involved in our government, they should do it through proper channels and write me a big giant campaign check." --Jay Leno

"Things are not going well with the Bush administration. George Bush's approval rating is now 34 percent. 34. Unbelievable. That's 23 with the wind chill." --David Letterman

"According to a new poll, only one in four Americans can name two of the five freedoms guaranteed by the First Amendment. But more than half of Americans can name at least two of the characters on The Simpsons. Hey, if they ran the Constitution on TV eight times a day, we'd know it." --Jimmy Kimmel

"Anna Nicole Smith told the Supreme Court she wanted them to know about her relationship with her oil-tycoon husband and about that magic night when he said those three little words to her: "I can't breathe."

"President Bush is, you probably know this, visiting India. He's visiting the Indian Prime Minister. Don't kid yourself, this Indian Prime Minister is a busy, busy guy. At night he works for AOL tech support." --David Letterman

"President Bush today welcomed India into the nuclear community. That'll make them think twice before you knock off a 7-11. They got nukes now." --Jay Leno

"Today in India President Bush announced he was lifting a U.S. import ban on Indian mangoes. Yea, Bush said 'That was my plan all along. First, liberate the people of Iraq then Indian mangoes.'" --Conan O'Brien

"The big news coming out of Washington, D.C., is that Secretary of State Condoleezza Rice has now invited television cameras into the gym to watch her work out. They had her tossing the medicine ball with Dick Cheney's lesbian daughter." --David Letterman

"A Web site called HeroBuilders.com is now selling a Dick Cheney action figure. The nice thing is the Cheney action figure fits right into your back pocket, so you can walk around and pretend you're an oil company executive." --Jay Leno

"Ash Wednesday marks the beginning of Lent. You know what President Bush is giving up for Lent? Our ports." --Jay Leno

"President Bush, talking about the port deal, he said we Americans have nothing to fear from the Dubai government running our ports. I know a good way for President Bush to convince everyone of that -- let the Dubai government handle his security. Hey if it's good enough for us, it should be good enough for him." --Jay Leno

"President Bush made a surprise trip to Afghanistan, and he promised the Afghanis that the United States would not cut and run. Then he got on his plane and left." --Conan O'Brien

"After Afghanistan, President Bush flew to India, where he was greeted by 10,000 angry protestors. As a result, most Americans spent all day on hold with computer problems." --Conan O'Brien

"President Bush made a surprise stop in Afghanistan today on his way to India. He didn't want to stop, but he bought his ticket on Priceline.com" --Jay Leno

"He was only in Afghanistan for four hours. That may not sound like much, but it's more time than he spent in the Texas National Guard." --Jay Leno

"Documents were introduced in court today to link Saddam Hussein to a 1982 massacre. Saddam claims it was just a hunting accident." --Jay Leno

"Germany won the most medals in the Winter Olympics. And today they had a big victory parade. And - this was kind of odd - it started in Berlin and ended in Poland." --David Letterman

"Harriet Miers studied law her whole life, and Anna Nicole Smith made it to the Supreme Court before she did" --Jay Leno

"You know Condoleezza Rice? So she's down there in Washington, and she's on a TV show and they go with her to the gym. Condoleezza Rice, secretary of state, and they're watching her work out. ... Here's what it is, it's called the Republican work-out. Every morning, you bench press a bag of laundered cash." --David Letterman

"It's the first time in the Supreme Court's history that Ruth Bader Ginsberg has not been the hottest chick there." --David Letterman, on Anna Nicole Smith appearing before the Supreme Court

"Give her credit, Anna Nicole Smith made a compelling case. So good, in fact, that Clarence Thomas couldn't keep his eyes off exhibits A and B." --David Letterman

"President Bush right now is in India. He's in India. So it's comforting to know that Quick-Draw Cheney has his finger on the button." --David Letterman

"President Bush is so unpopular now, in fact Dick Cheney has a higher approval rating among quail." --David Letterman

"According to a new CBS news poll Dick Cheney's approval rating has dropped to a record low 18. Not percent. 18 people." --Jay Leno

"President Bush is on his way to India. I guess he had to go, he lost the number for tech support." --Jay Leno

"President Bush also going to visit Pakistan. I think he wants to put them in charge of our airport security." --Jay Leno

"Actually, they're going to hold off on that Dubai ports deal for 45 days while Congress debates it. 45 days, well that's good. Those problems in the Middle East tend to clear up pretty quickly" --Jay Leno

"Former President Bill Clinton took out an ad. He wants to hire interns for his presidential library. He's looking for 25 interns to fill 75 positions." --Jay Leno

"Senator Hillary Clinton hired a former adviser to President Clinton. Apparently she's taking his advice because today she hit on three waitresses." --Conan O'Brien

"Earlier today at the White House, President Bush met with Italian Prime Minister Silvio Berlusconi. There was an awkward moment when Bush asked 'How long until the new season of The Sopranos?'" --Conan O'Brien

"Looks like some kind of civil war brewing in Iraq. Well, who could have seen that coming? That came out of left field, huh? They say it is total chaos over there. People are roaming the streets with guns. It's like everyone is Dick Cheney now." --Jay Leno

"On Wednesday President Bush will fly to India. See, last week he met with American workers. This week he will go to India and visit their old jobs." --Jay Leno

"Mardi Gras is going on in New Orleans. Actually it's scaled down quite a bit. Now when you throw a bead, women only flash one boob." --Jay Leno

"Tomorrow is Fat Tuesday, and of course, this being America, it will be followed by Even Fatter Wednesday, Obese Thursday and Fat-Ass Friday." --Jay Leno

"Another embarrassing moment for President Bush. On his energy tour, they asked him about alternative fuels. Bush said, 'What, oil's gay?'" --Jay Leno

"Hillary Clinton speaking out on [the port deal]. She has mixed feelings about Dubai. On one hand, they hate Israel. On the other hand, they stone adulterers." --Jay Leno

"Bill Clinton is looking for 25 interns to work at his library. Now what could go wrong here?" --Jay Leno

"An Arab company might take over six American ports. President Bush says that he did not know of the plan. That is just so out of character." --David Letterman

"It's so cold, down in Washington, D.C., earlier today Dick Cheney shot the weather man. ... It's so cold here in New York City that Mayor Bloomberg decided to turn our ports over to the eskimos" --David Letterman

Jokes for the Week of Feb. 19-25

"The president has arranged for al Qaeda to guard our ports. This is part of his new plan to fight them here so we don't have to fight them there." --Bill Maher

"Bush is not backing down. He says if this deal doesn't go through, it's going to be a slap in the face to the Arabs, which is amazingly ironic because we have four guys in Guantanamo Bay whose specific job is to slap Arabs in the face." --Bill Maher

"Apparently President Charles In Charge did not know about this whole thing until the story broke in the newspapers. You know, you could say Ronald Reagan was asleep at the switch. At least he knew there was a switch." --Bill Maher

"The news from Iraq is apparently so bad that today Bush asked Cheney to go hunting again." --Bill Maher

"Bush is in command. When he heard that sectarian militias had killed Iraqis, he called for an immediate invasion of Sectaria." --Bill Maher

"In South Dakota, they have banned pretty much all abortions. Boy, now there's really nothing to do in South Dakota." --Bill Maher

"It's Mardi Gras in New Orleans. Everybody has Mardi Gras fever. I was watching the 'Today' show earlier today and Tom Cruise was lecturing Matt Lauer about jambalaya." --David Letterman

"They have the big parade down in New Orleans and this year FEMA has a float, but it's not expected 'til labor day." --David Letterman

"President Bush is now saying that he was not aware that we signed a deal to give these Arabs countries control of our eastern seaports. In fact, today President Bush began tapping his own phone so he can find out what's going on in the White House." --Jay Leno

"In fact, President Bush is getting so much bad publicity today Vice President Dick Cheney offered to shoot another guy just to take the heat off. " --Jay Leno

"In a speech outlining his energy program, President Bush said the United States is on the verge of a technological breakthrough that will startle most Americans. I think most Americans would be startled to know the president has an energy program." --Jay Leno

"President Bush is letting an Arab company run ports. That's like letting Robert Blake take your wife to dinner. President Bush said that the port deal is not a security threat. That's what he said, this is not a security threat. Remember, this is the same guy who said 'Mission Accomplished.'" --David Letterman

"Let's see what's happening with George Dubai -- I mean W. Bush. ... President Bush now says he didn't know about the Dubai port deal until after it was approved. Apparently this is part of the White House's 'Don't ask him, don't tell him' policy." --Jay Leno

"President Bush commented today on Hurricane Katrina, so apparently he just found out about that too." --Jay Leno

"Dick Cheney is currently vacationing in Wyoming this week. I understand today he shot an elk. He also shot two Shriners, a Jaycee and a Moose." --Jay Leno

"This week, the United States Military Academy announced it had discovered an al Qaeda employment contract, detailing the benefits of joining the group. Membership does have its privileges. Married males receive 6500 rupees and a week's vacation for every three weeks work. Wow, it sounds like there's no downside! Oh, wait, the retirement plan." --Jon Stewart

"Signing up for the Army just got a little bit easier. Now, I know what you're thinking, 'I'm too lazy and emotionally fragile for boot camp, plus I'm a felon with a third-grade education. And I'm gay.' Well, good news, in today's Army, it doesn't matter. Except the gay part. According to the Wall Street Journal, the military is adopting a kinder and gentler approach to basic training, in order to improve diminishing recruitment numbers. Among the changes: more sleep and personal time, less running, and best of all, overweight recruits don't have to skip dessert. Hey, kids, boot camp is now easier than fat camp." --Jon Stewart

"President Bush has okayed a deal to let the government of Dubai control six of our major ports. Boy, first Dick Cheney shoots a guy in the face, now President Bush shoots himself in the foot." --Jay Leno

"We're turning our ports over to the Arabs. We can't even turn Iraq over to the Arabs. ... This is like putting Bill Clinton in charge at a Hooters, it's not a good idea." --Jay Leno

"Who better to manage a seaport than people who live in the desert?" --Jay Leno

"A firm owned by Dubai's government has purchased the rights to operate sea ports in six major American cities. A move the White House approved without telling Congress. Even worse, everyone found out about the sale from that Texas quail hunt rancher lady." --Jon Stewart

"The United Arab Emirates says we will get our ports back if we take Michael Jackson back." --David Letterman

"Having an Arab company keep an eye on your ports is like asking Courtney Love to keep an eye on your medicine cabinet. ... That's like telling Kirstie Alley to keep an eye on the buffet." --David Letterman

"George Bush now wants to end our dependency on foreign oil. Nice to see him nippin' that in the bud." --David Letterman

"Today was the big White House President's Day clearance sale -- all our ports must go, no offer refused, no enemy turned down, Crazy George is insane, come on down!" --Jay Leno

"The White House has given permission for a company owned by the government of Dubai to run six U.S. ports, including the Port of New York. Now Dubai was accused of supporting the September 11th attacks and was one of only three countries to support the Taliban. Now they're going to run the Port of New York. What's next, we'll put Mexico in charge of immigration? How about Dick Cheney in charge of gun safety? Courtney Love in charge of Olympic drug testing?" --Jay Leno

"President Bush now is apparently giving an Arab country control to American ports. Does that seem like a good idea? He's going to give control of American ports to an Arab country. If he keeps this up, people are going to start questioning his judgment." --David Letterman

"An Arab country in charge of ports. That's like FEMA in charge of disaster relief. That's like Wayne Gretzky's wife in charge of your bank account. It's like Michael Jackson as your nanny." --David Letterman

"Vice President Dick Cheney said today he's not sure he'll ever go hunting again. If he does decide to go hunting again, good luck finding anyone to go with him." --Jay Leno

"I do want to begin with an update on our Vice President, Dick Cheney. He didn't shoot anyone else, but he is a man a heartbeat away from both the presidency and one count of manslaughter." --Jon Stewart

"How powerful a man do you have to be to shoot a man in the face and have that person say, 'My bad'?" --Jon Stewart, on Harry Whittington's apology to Cheney

"Bush concluded his tour today with a visit to the Energy Department's National Renewable Energy Lab in Golden, Colorado. Funny story, actually, two weeks ago, 32 workers were laid off from the lab due to a budget shortfall. This weekend, Energy Secretary Samuel Bodman transferred $5 million to the lab restoring the workers' jobs just in time for the president's visit. Wow, if only the president would visit Ford." --Jon Stewart

"Hillary Clinton said today she finds the administration's refusal to level with the American people troubling, but she also finds it somewhat nostalgic." --Jay Leno

"More problems for the White House. Convicted lobbyist Jack Abramoff said he met with President Bush almost a dozen times, contradicting the White House claims that Bush didn't know him. In President Bush's defense, it was pretty dark inside Abramoff's back pocket." --Jay Leno

"There's a new comic book where Batman goes after Osama Bin Laden. You thought radical Muslims hated cartoons before?" --Jay Leno

"Actually, one awkward moment today in Washington. During the 21-gun salute, Dick Cheney returned fire." --Jay Leno

"Dick Cheney is on vacation. He's out in Jackson Hole, Wyoming, and so far he has shot two skiers." --David Letterman

"Osama says 'the U.S. will never get me alive'. I think that's probably true. He is going to die of old age." --David Letterman

"In a newly released tape, Osama bin Laden says he won't be captured alive and he's not afraid of President Bush. He's terrified of Dick Cheney he's just not afraid of Bush." --Jay Leno

"In New Orleans, the Paris Casino reopened and officials are calling it a sign of progress. If you didn't lose your house before, you can now." --Jay Leno

"Last night I went out with a bunch of the guys and played the 'Dick Cheney Drinking Game' ... it's when you down a beer and then you take a shot at good old granddad." --Jay Leno

"Monday is President's Day and former President Bill Clinton is very excited. He is taking George Bush, Sr. to 'Hooters'. ... George H.W. Bush and Bill Clinton have been spending more and more time together. Doesn't that seem like an unusual couple to you, honestly? Earlier today they went to go see that gay cowboy movie." --David Letterman

Jokes for the Week of Feb. 12-18

"Dick Cheney said he felt terrible about shooting a 78-year-old man, but on the bright side, it did give him a great idea about how to fix Social Security." --Bill Maher

"Not to worry, the man who was shot left the hospital today, and they said he was in good condition -- a little gamey, but still moist." --Bill Maher

"To the vice president's credit, he did own up to it. On FOX News he said the fault was his, he can't blame anybody else. Boy, it's amazing, the only time you get accountability out of this administration is when they are actually holding a smoking gun." --Bill Maher

"There is a little discrepancy about what happened on this hunt, because Ann Armstrong, the woman who has this ranch, said there was no alcohol involved, and Dick Cheney said he had one beer. So apparently, Dick Cheney can't keep his rifle, his story, or his daughter straight." --Bill Maher

"The guy who got shot...said 'my family and I are deeply sorry for everything the vice president and his family had to go through this weekend.' Wow, that is one loyal Republican. He also referred to the buckshot wound in his face as 1,000 points of light." --Bill Maher

"These people have drank the Kool-Aid. Vice President Cheney himself made an appearance in Wyoming, and his supporters were shouting 'Shoot me! Shoot me!'" --Bill Maher

"They just seem to be wrapped in bubbles, surrounded by sycophants. Bush was in Tampa today in front of one of those invited audiences he speaks to. The first question, this is not a joke, said the nation was blessed to have Bush as president. That was a question. The second one referred to Jeb as 'your great brother.' You know, at least when Clinton got blown it was in private." --Bill Maher

"Mardi Gras starts tomorrow in New Orleans. Talk about perfect timing. Those truckloads of ice from FEMA just showed up." --Bill Maher

"This Mardi Gras will be a little different. This year when drunks yell up at the balcony, ' 'Show us your boobs!' Michael Brown and Michael Chertoff walk out." --Bill Maher

"Those two guys were up before the congressionalcCommittee this week, which issued the report on Katrina, which lambasted the White House for wasting billions of dollars that was stolen, lost, we don't know where it is. Bush said history will call that a small price to pay if we wind up bringing democracy to Louisiana and it spreads to Mississippi and Florida" --Bill Maher

"People say Hillary Clinton has a brand new diamond ring, an enormous diamond ring. The last time anybody saw a rock that big, it was going through a window at the Danish embassy." --David Letterman

"Hillary is getting a lot of attention. Republicans are saying she has too much of a temper ... too angry to be president ... if she really had that bad of a temper, wouldn't Bill be dead?" --David Letterman

"I have to admit that I turned away from the Olympics yesterday. Fox had a more exciting sporting event on: Softball with Dick Cheney and Britt Hume." --Jay Leno

"President's Day is the day we celebrate presidents from Washington to Clinton to Bush. So we've gone from one who couldn't speak a lie to one who couldn't speak the truth to one who couldn't speak!" --Jay Leno

"Dick Cheney gave an interview to Fox News. I don't want to say Fox News was lenient, but the first question they asked was, 'Who do you like in American Idol?'" --Jay Leno

"Here's my favorite part of this whole incident. After Cheney shot the guy, the police later showed up at the ranch where Cheney was staying and wanted to talk to him, but was told to come back the next morning. And that's what they did, they came back the next morning. Kev, that ever happen in the hood?"-- Jay Leno

"Over the weekend while on a hunting trip down in Texas, Vice President Dick Cheney accidentally shot a member of his hunting party. He apologized. In fact, he told Brit Hume that he was actually trying to hit Cindy Sheehan." --Jay Leno

"Cheney now says he can't blame the shooting on the guy who got shot. He said we tried that for three days. It didn't work." --Jay Leno

"Hillary Clinton blasted the vice president today for failing to disclose all the facts. She wants Dick Cheney to give exact details. You know like, "How do you shoot someone and make it look like an accident?" --Jay Leno

"Dick Cheney gave an interview to Fox News. Some are accusing Fox of giving softball questions. My answer to that is, 'Well, does a vice president shoot in the woods?'" --David Letterman

"Evil Democrat Empire? I got news for you, if we're going to do the Star Wars analogy, the Democrats are, at best, Ewoks." --Jon Stewart, on a Republican spoof video comparing Democrats to the evil Empire in Star Wars

"The comic book makers of 'Batman' have announced that Batman will go after Osama bin Laden. So you see Bush does have a plan." --David Letterman

"In the Olympics, United States leads in gold medals with six but we're behind in bronze medals. I don't think Bush quite understands this. Did you hear what he said today? What don't we take some of these gold medals and get them bronzed." --Jay Leno

"Rumors are that the reason Dick Cheney didn't say anything about the hunting accident for about 24 hours was because he had been drinking. And I'm thinking, well jeez, he was probably drinking when we planned the invasion of Iraq." --David Letterman

"Dick Cheney and his buddies go down there hunting in Texas, and Dick Cheney guns down a guy. And they're hunting quail, and the quail disappeared. They vanished. And reports now that they're hiding in the mountainous area near Pakistan" --David Letterman

"This just in, earlier today, Dick and Lynne Cheney shot up a gas station." --David Letterman

"Dick Cheney finally answered questions about the hunting accident on Fox News. You know, I think Fox News is a little biased. They called it 'Interview with a Marksman.'" --Jay Leno

"In an interview on Fox News, Dick Cheney took full responsibility for shooting a fellow hunter. Then surprisingly, he broke down and admitted to killing two drifters in Flagstaff, Arizona in 1989." --Jay Leno

"Cheney also admitted that he'd been drinking. He said he had one beer. Okay, it was a 40-ounce Colt .45, but just one." --Jay Leno

"They were in a car, they drive along, they get out of the car, he shoots his friend in the face, then they get back in the car and they go hide for 18 hours. That's not hunting ... that's an episode of 'The Sopranos'" --Jay Leno

"See, this is why Republicans have to commit white collar crimes to steal money. They're just not good with guns, they don't know how to handle them." --Jay Leno

"Today, President Bush says he is standing behind the vice president. Way behind him." --Jay Leno

"America remaining obsessed, fascinated, appalled, by what is being called 'Dick Cheney Shot A Guy In The Face-Gate.'" --Jon Stewart

"A mere five days after shooting a man in the face, Vice President Dick Cheney broke his silence about the incident by submitting to a no-holds-barred grilling at a public press conference. I'm just kidding. ... Actually, he sat down with Brit Hume on Fox News for not some much a grilling -- more of a teat suckle." --Jon Stewart

"He sat down for a one-on-one with Fox News. Very bold choice. Dick Cheney sitting down with Fox News is like Mrs. Butterworth sitting down with the Pancake Channel." --Jimmy Kimmel

"Cheney says he feels terrible about what happened. The man he shot was his friend and if he could, he'd give him the central processing unit right out of his own heart to make up for it." --Jimmy Kimmel

There was some talk that the vice president had been drinking before he went out to shoot and it turns out that was true. Cheney said he did have a beer during lunch. One beer, and the only reason he even drank it was to wash down the three hits of ecstasy." --Jimmy Kimmel

"Happy Valentine's Day. Good news, good news today -- so far Dick Cheney has not shot anybody." --David Letterman

"Everybody is in the Valentine's mood. For example, earlier today Dick Cheney shot his buddy in the ass with an arrow." --David Letterman

"The real question now is, is this a one-time thing, or will the vice president try to kill again." --David Letterman

"If this story gets any bigger, pretty soon they're going to have to tell the president." --David Letterman

"You can't blame [Cheney]. Bush says you can spy on people without warrants, you can torture people, you can hold people without a trial, so Dick Cheney thinks, 'Oh what the hell, I can shoot a few guys.'" --Jay Leno

"I'm surprised Dick Cheney loves to hunt so much. The five times the government tried to give him a gun, he got a deferment." --Jay Leno

"What a nightmare I had last night. I dreamed I was at a Washington party and I had to choose between Dick Cheney taking me on a hunting trip or Ted Kennedy driving me home." --Jay Leno

"The rumor is that Cheney may have been drinking and he wanted to wait until he sobered up. So he may have been drinking and then he shot a guy. And you know what's really scary about all of this -- what if it turns out all this time Bush was the smart one?"--Jay Leno

"The guy Cheney shot is a Texas lawyer. While he was lying there on the ground he actually handed himself his own business card." --Jay Leno

"After Whittington had a heart attack, Cheney said, "You big baby. I get those all the time. Walk it off." --Jay Leno

"Mr. Whittington is doing fine, but based on this development, we're going to downgrade the condition of this story from 'Incredibly Hilarious' to 'Still funny, but, mmm, now a little sad.'" --Jon Stewart, on the heart attack Harry Whittington suffered (Watch video clip)

"It turns out now that Dick Cheney did not have a license to hunt, and coincidentally, turns out we didn't have a license to go into Iraq." --David Letterman

"Kind of a sad study out today that single women over the age of 35 are more likely to be shot by the vice president than to find a husband." --Jimmy Kimmel

"Remember when the most embarrassing thing to happen to a vice-president was misspelling the word potato?" --Jimmy Kimmel

"Police are still investigating. They want to know why Cheney was unable to see the hunter at the time of the accident. And, they also want to know how Cheney wound up with his wallet." --Jimmy Kimmel

"The administration has been getting a lot of criticism for how they handled the situation. First, they didn't tell the media for almost a full day after it happed. The White House press corps was furious. They expect to be told when the vice president shoots a 78-year-old man in the face." --Jimmy Kimmel

"Good news, ladies and gentlemen, we have finally located weapons of mass destruction: It's Dick Cheney." --David Letterman, on Cheney's shooting accident

"But here is the sad part -- before the trip Donald Rumsfeld had denied the guy's request for body armor." --David Letterman

"We can't get bin Laden, but we nailed a 78-year-old attorney." --David Letterman

"The guy who got gunned down, he is a Republican lawyer and a big Republican donor and fortunately the buck shot was deflected by wads of laundered cash. So he's fine. He took a little in the wallet." --David Letterman

"I don't know what all the fuss is about, what's more American than shooting your buddy in the ass?" --David Letterman

"Cheney's defense is that he was aiming at a quail when he shot the guy. Which means that Cheney now has the worst aim of anyone in the White House since Bill Clinton." --Jay Leno

"Dick Cheney accidentally shot a fellow hunter, a 78-year-old lawyer. In fact, when people found out he shot a lawyer, his popularity is now at 92 percent." --Jay Leno

"I think Cheney is starting to lose it. After he shot the guy he screamed, 'Anyone else want to call domestic wiretapping illegal?'" --Jay Leno

"When the ambulance got there, out of force of habit they put Cheney on the stretcher. No, the other guy!" --Jay Leno

"Dick Cheney is capitalizing on this for Valentine's Day. It's the new Dick Cheney cologne. It's called Duck!" --Jay Leno

"Something I just found out today about the incident. Do you know that Dick Cheney tortured the guy for a half hour before he shot him?" --Jay Leno

"Vice President Dick Cheney accidentally shot a man during a quail hunt ... making 78-year-old Harry Whittington the first person shot by a sitting veep since Alexander Hamilton. Hamilton, of course, (was) shot in a duel with Aaron Burr over issues of honor, integrity and political maneuvering. Whittington? Mistaken for a bird." --Jon Stewart (Watch video clip)

"Now, this story certainly has its humorous aspects. ... But it also raises a serious issue, one which I feel very strongly about. ... moms, dads, if you're watching right now, I can't emphasize this enough: Do not let your kids go on hunting trips with the vice president. I don't care what kind of lucrative contracts they're trying to land, or energy regulations they're trying to get lifted -- it's just not worth it." --Jon Stewart

"The Vice President is standing by his decision to shoot Harry Whittington. Now, according to the best intelligence available, there were quail hidden in the brush. Everyone believed at the time there were quail in the brush. And while the quail turned out to be a 78- year-old man, even knowing that today, Mr. Cheney insists he still would have shot Mr. Whittington in the face. He believes the world is a better place for his spreading buckshot throughout the entire region of Mr. Wittington's face." --"Daily Show" correspondent Rob Corddry

"He is a lawyer and he got shot in the face. But he's a lawyer, he can use his other face. He'll be all right." --Craig Ferguson

"You can understand why this lawyer fellow let his guard down, because if you're out hunting with a politician, you think, 'If I'm going to get it, it's going to be in the back.'" --Craig Ferguson

"The big scandal apparently is that they didn't release the news for 18 hours. I don't think that's a scandal at all. I'm quite pleased about that. Finally there's a secret the vice president's office can keep." --Craig Ferguson

"Apparently the reason they didn't release the information right away is they said we had to get the facts right. That's never stopped them in the past." --Craig Ferguson

"You know what they say, if Dick Cheney comes out of his hole and shoots an old man in the face, six more weeks of winter." --Jimmy Kimmel

"The Vice President says that it was an accident. He claims the guy got in his line of fire, but the good news was he was delicious. Eat what you shoot!" --Jimmy Kimmel

"This is a great story. You've got the Vice President, a shotgun, a bunch of rich guys hunting tiny little birds. The only thing that could possibly make this story better is if he shot Michael Jackson." --Jimmy Kimmel

"The man who was shot is named Harry Whittington. He's a high powered Republican lawyer, he was very lucky. They say the only reason that he wasn't killed is he was wearing the body armor that never got shipped to our troops." --Jimmy Kimmel

"But all kidding aside, and in fairness to Dick Cheney, every five years he has to shed innocent blood or he violates his deal with the devil." --Jimmy Kimmel

"So in summary, the Vice President of the United States shot a 78-year-old man in the face. Congratulations Mister Vice President, you are now a Crip." --Jimmy Kimmel

"In a fiery speech this weekend, Hillary Clinton wondered why President Bush can't find the tallest man in Afghanistan. Probably for the same reason she couldn't find the fattest intern under the desk." --Jay Leno

"On Friday night, at the opening ceremonies, all the Olympic athletes marched into the stadium. When the French team saw all those people marching in, they immediately surrendered." --Jay Leno

"Just to give you an idea of how tight security is at the Olympics, today Italian police arrested three guys from Denmark for attempted cartooning." -- Jay Leno

Jokes for the Week of Feb. 5-11

"I feel bad for Marmaduke. He's a cartoon and a Great Dane, he's in double-danger." --Jay Leno, on the Danish cartoon controversy

"President Bush not taking this danger lying down. Today he announced he's forming a coalition of cartoon characters." --Jay Leno

"Former FEMA director Michael Brown is testifying before a Senate panel today. He was supposed to testify last week, but he just got there." --Jay Leno

"President Bush is taking this very, very seriously. He's now asking all cartoon characters not to travel to the Middle East." --Jay Leno, on the Danish cartoon controversy

"President Bush asked people around the world to stop the violence that has erupted over controversial cartoons in a Danish newspaper. President Bush said instead, let's go after the guy who makes the Junior Jumble so hard." --Conan O'Brien

"Ex-head of FEMA Michael Brown will be addressing Congress about the response to Katrina. Yeah, apparently he's almost ready to send help down there." --David Letterman

"The Senate offices were evacuated when they found a suspicious substance. Turned out it was just Ted Kennedy's margarita salt." --David Letterman

"It's time for me to give out an award to newly elected Majority Leader John Boehner. Mr. Boehner was elected just a few days ago to reform House Republicans, who are feeling the heat from lobbyist scandals. Well, CNN found out that he rents his two-bedroom apartment from a lobbyist who had clients who had interests in legislation that Boehner sponsored. And for that, Mr. Boehner, you've just won a pair of Stephen Colbert's big brass balls." --Stephen Colbert

"I'm sure you know by know Muslim groups are outraged and are rioting over cartoons that are appearing in European newspapers that they say are offensive. Now they have attacked something very important to President Bush. The comics." --Jay Leno

"They're boycotting Danish products in the Muslim world. Luckily, not too many mosques are made out of Legos." --Jay Leno

"You've all heard a controversial Danish cartoon, still sparking protests with Muslim fundamentalists, because they claim the cartoon defames Islam. And folks, if that weren't bad enough, today Marmaduke came out against stem cell research." --Conan O'Brien

"As for what exactly a bad day for Bush might look like, oh, how about being a captive audience member at the funeral of a civil rights pioneer in front of thousands of people, none of whom voted for you except the woman sitting right next to you and possibly your dad. But I'm not even sure he's buying it anymore." --Jon Stewart, on Coretta Scott King's funeral

"Some of the other Oscar-nominated movies people are talking about, George Clooney's film, 'Good Night, and Good Luck.' If you haven't seen it, it's about the White House's Medicare plan for the elderly." --Jay Leno

"Did you hear what the Republicans have said about Hillary Clinton? They say she's too angry to be president. Hillary Clinton, Senator Hillary Clinton, too angry to be president. When she heard this, Hillary said, 'Oh yeah? I'll rip your throats out, you bastards.'" --David Letterman

"Hillary has got a brand new diamond ring. A brand-new, huge, enormous diamond ring. It's oversized and it's flawed, just like her husband. The last time a Democrat had a stone that big, it was passed by Ted Kennedy." --David Letterman

"President Bush met at the White House with Jordan's King Abdullah. Yeah, there was one awkward moment when President Bush asked King Abdullah, 'How is Queen Latifah?'" --Conan O'Brien

"Ken Mehlman, you ever heard of this guy? He's the head of the Republican national party. He said over the weekend that Hillary Clinton has a lot of anger, and that voters don't usually send angry candidates to the White House. Angry candidates, no. Horny and stupid candidates, yes." --Jay Leno

"If President Bush is wiretapping my phone and listening to my calls, I think he actually should pay for half of the phone-sex bill." --David Letterman

"There was a tribute to the Dance Theater of Harlem down there in Washington at the White House, and after dinner, Bush and his wife got up and danced for the crowd. And I was thinking about this, I believe the last time Bush danced for a black audience was when he tried to explain FEMA's response." --David Letterman

"A Justice Department official has determined that the president of the United States has the legal authority to have someone killed, if they want to. That's what they determined. Isn't that amazing? If you're the president, you can legally order the killing of someone. Well this will have Bill Clinton thinking twice about supporting Hillary." --Jay Leno

"The Attorney General of the United States, Alberto Gonzalez testified before the senate about the domestic spying program. But first there was a big fight about whether or not to place him under oath. Ultimately they decided not to place him under oath. See, baseball players, they have to be under oath. But the attorney general, no." --Jay Leno

"President Bush unveiled his new $2.2 trillion budget. Yeah, the president settled on $2 trillion after being told that $2 bazillion was not a real number." --Conan O'Brien

"Muslim law condemns any artistic rendering of the prophet Mohammed, kind of like the Christian commandment against taking the lord's name in vain, or the unspoken Buddhist rule, try not to make him into a bong." --Jon Stewart

"ABC announced their show, 'Commander In Chief,' is going on a six-week vacation. Or as Bush calls it, August." --Jay Leno

"The Vatican has hired Michael Jackson to write prayer music. Because when your church has an image problem - you call Michael Jackson! In fact he's already been named an honorary priest." --David Letterman

Jokes for the Week of Jan. 29-Feb. 4

"Just 24 hours after President Bush promised to reduce America's dependence on oil on Tuesday, his Energy Secretary and national economic advisor said he didn't really mean it. They're blaming it on his new speechwriter, 'A Million Little Pieces' author James Frey." --Jay Leno

"The president said we must continue to find new sources of oil. The only place he doesn't want any drilling, 'Brokeback Mountain.'" --Jay Leno

"The trial of Enron chiefs Jeffrey Skilling and Ken Lay began four-and-a-half years after perpetrating -- allegedly -- the fraud that led to the second largest bankruptcy in American history. Why four-and-a-half years? Because apparently it's harder to bring Ken Lay to trial than it is to invade two countries." --Jon Stewart

"It was on this day in 1690 the first paper money in America was issued, which of course then led to the creation of the Republican Party. It was also on this day in 1913 that Congress was granted the right to levy taxes on your income, which, of course, led to the creation of the Democratic Party." --Jay Leno

"In a 58-42 vote on Tuesday, the Senate confirmed Samuel Alito as the nation's next Supreme Court Justice, meaning if you want an abortion, you'd better hop to it." --Tina Fey

"Aman al-Zawahiri, Al Qaeda's number two man, emerged in a video on Monday, calling President Bush a failure. Even worse, he's asked that George senior and Barbara come in for a parent-terrorist conference." --Amy Poehler

"California Gov. Arnold Schwarzenegger's campaign is several hundred thousand dollars in debt. So it looks like there will be a 'Terminator 4.'" --Conan O'Brien

"President Bush said that the American people are addicted to oil. To which Vice President Dick Cheney said, 'Not that there's anything wrong with that.'" --Jay Leno

"Do you believe we are addicted to oil? So basically when we invaded Iraq, we didn't really mean anything, it was just the oil talking. We were under the influence of oil at the time. We just need a 12 step program and we could get out of Iraq." --Jay Leno

"In Washington President Bush came out of the white house and saw his shadow...Cindy Sheehan." --Jay Leno

"Hillary Clinton said this week that she doesn't agree with either the people who say we should be in Iraq or her friends who say we should be out. Thanks for clearing that up. Think she's running for president? Even John Kerry said, "Pick a position!" --Jay Leno

"Saddam Hussein boycotted his trial in Bagdad this week. He just refused to come to the courthouse. So what, just so long as he shows up for the execution. That's all I care about." --Jay Leno

"The State of the Union address was stopped 72 times last night for applause and another 30 for subpoenas." --David Letterman

"There was one awkward moment when the president's speech was interrupted by a standing ovation from crooked lobbyists."--David Letterman

"Let's sum up the State of the Union for you -- we're in good shape, not as good as Exxon." --Jay Leno

"If you didn't catch the speech, President Bush said we must move beyond a petroleum-based economy, then Dick Cheney clutched his heart and said 'No, no!'" --Jay Leno

"My favorite part is when all the politicians applaud the president. See, this is the only time of year their hands aren't in anyone's pocket." --Jay Leno

"President Bush talked about the need to work hard on the economy, to work hard on health care, and to fight nonstop against terrorism. Then he left to go on a long weekend at his ranch to watch the Super Bowl." -- Jay Leno

"Actually, President Bush…was quite optimistic. He explained that this is a wonderful, prosperous time for the United States, that things are going very well for Americans -- with the possible exception of those few people who don't own an oil company, but it's going very well." --Jay Leno

"Tomorrow is Groundhog Day. That might not mean much to you but to President Bush it means a month off at the ranch." --David Letterman

"The first confirmed case of bird flu has been discovered in Iraq. You know, this kind of thing could destroy their tourism industry." --Jay Leno

"Walk The Line was passed over for best picture nomination. Which makes 'Brokeback Mountain' the clear favorite. See gay is in this year. If Johnny Cash had fallen for Jimmy Carter instead of June Carter…they would have had a lockout." --Jay Leno

"President Bush gave his State of the Union address. ... Did you notice, a lot of Republican congressmen were not applauding President Bush. It's hard when you're wearing handcuffs." --Jay Leno

"I love the different reaction from each party. Like Republicans applaud like they're on 'Family Feud.' Good answer, good answer! Democrats applaud like they're trying to sneak past a motion detector." --Jay Leno

"I have to say I was a little disappointed. Not once did he apologize to Oprah for lying about weapons of mass destruction in Iraq." --Jay Leno

"Earlier tonight, President Bush delivered his State of the Union address. The president gave the speech at 9 p.m., which means he had to wear his pajamas under his suit." --Conan O'Brien

"One of the big topics was all the new jobs that have been created. A lot of new jobs have been created. They're all in India." --Jay Leno

"Judge Samuel Alito was confirmed today as the nation's 110th Supreme Court justice. President Bush congratulated Alito and said he hopes he gets along with the other 109 judges." --Conan O'Brien

"Judge Samuel Alito was confirmed to the Supreme Court today. President Bush said that Sam's got the intellect necessary to bring a lot of class to the court. You know, like the rest of the judges are sitting around in their underpants eating Cheetos." --Jay Leno

"Bush is now urging all nations to cut off aid to Hamas and Palestine, including the $234 million we were going to send them. In fact, to make sure, Bush is putting FEMA in charge to make sure the money never gets there." --Jay Leno

"In Palestine, Hamas won by a landslide, huge, huge margin. How does this make Democrats feel? They can't win anything and terrorists are winning in a landslide." --Jay Leno

"Aal-Qaeda number two man Ayman al-Zawahriha released a new video where he calls President Bush a warmonger, a failure and a man who has brought catastrophe to the united states. I'm sorry that's what Howard Dean said." --Jay Leno

"Tomorrow night, President Bush will give his State of the Union address. He's expected to repeat several universal truths: All people deserve to be free, democracy is good, and the most important truth, never lie to Oprah." --Jay Leno

"President Bush said that Bill Clinton has become so close to his father, he is like a brother. Which is great because it gives the first President Bush the smart son he never had." --Jay Leno

"Happy Birthday to Vice President Dick Cheney, or as they call him, the Fresh Prince of Intensive Care. ... He turns 65 today, so for those of you who took the over, you win. Got over a thousand gifts, all from Jack Abramoff. Actually, one embarrassing moment, when they cut the cake, oil came out." --Jay Leno

"Exxon recorded record profits for 2005. Over $36 billion dollars in profits. I'm as shocked as you are. Who would have thought they would have benefited from selling gas for three dollars a gallon?" --Jay Leno

Jokes for the Week of Jan. 22-28

"Earlier today at the White House, President Bush met with an official from Lebanon. He said he's always admired the Lebanese. He said in fact, Dick Cheney's daughter is Lebanese." --Conan O'Brien

"Inspiring developments -- Democracy is on the march in the Middle East. Yesterday, hundreds of thousands of Palestinians hit the polls for the first time of parliamentary elections in ten years. Which democratically elected party walked away victorious? Oh, it's Hamas! Yes, Hamas the militant Islamic group that is very anti-American and calls for the destruction of Israel, and wants a theocracy in Palestine. Though, on the plus side, they have returned all the money given to them by Jack Abramoff." --Jon Stewart

"Today at a press conference, President Bush defended his domestic wiretapping program when a reporter called it a circumvention of the law. The president said 'That's ridiculous. I had my circumvention done when I was a baby.'" --Conan O'Brien

"Al Gore announced he is finishing up a new book about global warming and the environment. Yeah, the first chapter talks about how you shouldn't chop down trees to make a book that no one will read." --Conan O'Brien

"At a press conference yesterday NASA announced that 2005 was the hottest year on record. It is so hot, and global warming is so bad, if the presidential election were held today, Al Gore would…still lose." --Jay Leno

"Experts say this global warming is serious, and they are predicting now that by the year 2050, we will be out of party ice." --David Letterman

"Hillary Clinton called President Bush's explanation strange and far-fetched. Let me tell you something, if anyone has heard strange and far-fetched explanations from a president of the United States, it is Hillary, so she knows what she's talking about." --Jay Leno

"At a press conference in Kansas the other day President Bush was asked if he had seen 'Brokeback Mountain.' He said, no, he doesn't like westerns where the cowboys go into town for a day spa. ... George W. Bush is an old fashioned guy. He gets up to leave the room when Ben-Gay commercials come on." --Conan O'Brien

"It was reported today that U.S. military bases will not show 'Brokeback Mountain.' However, during interrogations, U.S. troops will continue to show 'Deuce Bigalow: European Gigolo.'" --Conan O'Brien

"Yesterday at a press conference President Bush said he had not seen 'Brokeback Mountain.' However, he did express an interest in drilling for oil there" --David Letterman

"President Bush was asked by someone in the audience if he'd seen 'Brokeback Mountain.' The president said he hadn't seen it, but he'd be happy to talk about ranching. Then he added, 'Ranching still means gay sex, right?'" --Conan O'Brien

"As you know, the Bush administration is conducting a war on pornography. Well, it's about time. You thought we had no allies in Iraq, oh my God! ... Remember the good old days during Clinton, when the White House was a porn site?" --Jay Leno

"Ultimately, Stephen Harper, the conservative, is the new prime minister, ending 13 years of liberal rule in Canada. They picked up not as many parliamentary seats as they thought they might, but they picked up quite a few, more than the liberals. Martin has resigned as liberal party head. But the real question on everybody's mind is, can we still stitch their flags on our backpacks to get through Europe?" --Jon Stewart

"It was reported yesterday that Florida Gov. Jeb Bush reads three newspapers a day. Well, actually, he reads them to his brother George." --Jay Leno

"Did you see Hillary yesterday on Oprah? Yeah, no jumping up and down about that marriage." --Jay Leno

"There's a huge controversy after the Bush administration demanded that the search engine Google turn over records of people who search for pornography. You know, there's a legal term for those people: Men." --Jay Leno

"NBC has canceled the 'West Wing.' The 'West Wing' has been canceled. See that's when you know things are bad, when even fictional Democrats aren't doing well." --Jay Leno

"The new Osama bin Laden tape was originally broadcast on Al Jazeera and all the Al Jazeera viewers were really upset because it interrupted their new hit show, 'How I met your Camel.'" --David Letterman

"Yes, (Jack Abramoff attended) only two Hanukkah receptions (at the White House). But the bribes miraculously lasted for 8 whole days." --Jon Stewart (Watch video clip)

"The government is still analyzing Osama bin Laden's latest tape. On his most recent release he called Bush a liar and said that he was just after oil. It's the usual stuff we have heard before. Like at the Golden Globes." --Jay Leno

"Senator Ted Kennedy said he plans to quit the owl club, a social club that bans women. Today Hillary Clinton asked Ted if he knew of any other clubs that ban women that her husband could join." --Jay Leno

Jokes for the Week of Jan. 15-21

"Osama bin Laden released his first new audio taped message in over a year. While there is some new material in the message, insiders say it's mostly a Greatest Threats collection. A White House spokesman says they plan to check out the message in its entirety, but they're too busy listening to your phone calls." --Tina Fey

"New Orleans Mayor Ray Nagin said that New Orleans, when rebuilt, will be a chocolate city. And he will be the delicious nut in the center." --Amy Poehler

"Fox News Channel has launched a contest called 'Bloviate with Bill,' in which six viewers will be flown to New York and given the chance to fend off O'Reilly's unwanted sexual advances." --Tina Fey

"According to a study at the University of Colorado, researchers say morning grogginess can give you a feeling of being legally drunk and unable to think straight. They say this condition can last anywhere from a few minutes in some people to as long as two entire terms in office." --Jay Leno

"Bush said, 'We spent some time talking about the Iranian issue and the desire to solve this issue diplomatically, by working together'... Of course, it s a lot easier to be diplomatic when we ve only got two armies left to deploy Salvation and KISS." --Jon Stewart, on Iran's nuclear weapons capabilities

"The Bush administration is asking Google to turn over all its records in a porn investigation. They want to know who has been using Google to look up pornography. You know what that means? We're all going to jail." --Jay Leno

"Earlier this week, President Bush met with the Belgian prime minister. Things got a little tense when the prime minister called for the U.S. to leave Guantanamo Bay. President Bush was so angry, he told the Belgian prime minister to shut his waffle hole." --Conan O'Brien

"In his latest audio tape message, Osama bin Laden recommends a book all Americans should read. You can tell bin Laden is hungry for power because now he thinks he's Oprah." --Conan O'Brien

"Hillary Clinton said in a speech this week that President Bush is one of the worst in history. And President Bush was furious, oh man, you see what he said? He said 'I was not the worst in history. I was the worst in math and science.'" --Jay Leno

"It was gone, maybe you didn't even know it was gone, but now it's back, I'm talking about the Miss America pageant. Everybody has Miss America fever. In fact, earlier today, President Bush promised to rebuild Miss Louisiana." --David Letterman

"According to rumors, Ted Kennedy may have had a child out of wedlock. Well, who hasn't? But you know, something like this could damage Kennedy's image with women." --David Letterman

"Tabloids are reporting that Sen. Ted Kennedy has an illegitimate 21 year-old son. Apparently, Kennedy isn't denying the report, but the kid is." --Conan O'Brien

"New Orleans Mayor Ray Nagin is being criticized for saying that God wants New Orleans to be a chocolate city and that the hurricanes were because God was mad at us. The good news, today he was nominated for the Pat Robertson Lifetime Achievement Award." --Jay Leno

"NASA launched its first-ever mission to Pluto, did you see this? The rocket took off to Pluto. President Bush is very excited about this. I didn't even know Pluto had oil." --Jay Leno

"According to a Finnish medical study, if you have a bad or incompetent boss, it increases your risk of a heart attack by 30%. More bad news for Dick Cheney." --Jay Leno

"A Texas paper is reporting that lobbyist Jack Abramoff charged a client $25,000 to have lunch with President Bush. Not surprisingly, this is the most anyone has ever payed for lunch at Chuck E. Cheese." --Conan O'Brien

"A tape was broadcast on Al Jazeera that is reportedly the first message from Osama bin Laden in over a year. Experts think it may not be a new tape because in the background you can hear 'Who Let The Dogs Out,' and he's wearing super-low jeans." --Conan O'Brien

"Al Jazeera has released an audiotape from Osama bin Laden. State Department officials say it shows he's aware of world events. It opens up congratulating Brad and Angelina on their baby." --Jay Leno

"Osama bin Laden released an audio tape today claiming more attacks on U.S. soil were imminent, yet also offering a truce to help rebuild Iraq and Afghanistan, which I guess is sort of an olive branch. A burning olive branch. It's a mixed message. Now, first of all, Osama said he offered a truce because polls show the majority of Americans are against the war. Here's what he doesn't understand. That's the war in Iraq. Everybody over here is pretty much in favor of bombing the %#$@ out of you." --Jon Stewart

"The government is scheduled to launch a mission to Pluto. Apparently this is President Bush's last chance to find those weapons of mass destruction." --Jay Leno

"In a speech this week, Hillary Clinton blasted the Bush White House as one of the worst in history. I tell you, this is the hardest Hillary's been on any president she wasn't married to." --Jay Leno

"Well, tonight's show turns out better than last night's show. Oh my God, halfway through last night's show, Judge Alito's wife ran out in tears." --David Letterman

"And here's your government at work. This week -- this week, the Consumer Product Safety Commission issued a recall for thousands of Christmas lights that they say may pose a risk of electric shock. They're recalling Christmas lights. Good timing. What is it, January now? You think this is maybe where the ex-head of FEMA wound up?" --Jay Leno

"Al Gore was pretty upset too. Did you hear his speech? I haven't seen Gore this angry since they charged him for two seats on a Southwest Airlines flight." --Jay Leno

"President Bush met with the Prime Minister of Belgium and things got tense when the Prime Minister demanded the U.S. close the prison at Guantanamo Bay. President Bush quickly replied, 'The prison is closed. That's how we keep them in there.'" --Conan O'Brien

"New Orleans Mayor Ray Nagin caused a controversy when he said when New Orleans is rebuilt, it will be a chocolate city. Yeah, he went on to say that it will be protected by a series of graham cracker levees." --Conan O'Brien

"Former Vice President Al Gore gave a passionate 10 minute speech where he criticized President Bush for, quote, repeatedly breaking the law. Those who heard the speech called it the worst elevator ride ever." --Conan O'Brien

"The Golden Globes were last night. It was the biggest gathering of Hollywood celebrities that wasn't an anti-Bush rally. ... The big winners were "Brokeback Mountain," "Capote" and "Transamerica." All movies with gay themes. I think this is God's way of punishing Pat Robertson." --Jay Leno

"Did you watch the Golden Globes? They were so long that Dick Cheney taped it and is using it to torture detainees." --David Letterman

"Al Gore yesterday gave a speech an accused President Bush of repeatedly breaking the law. Al Gore issued the statement into a microphone at Taco Bell." --David Letterman

"Former Vice President Al Gore attacked the Bush administration's use of wiretapping and torture to combat terrorism. Gore says Bush has created a police state. Here's the ironic part, even in a police state, Al Gore could not get arrested." --Jay Leno

"Vice President Cheney is on an extended tour of the Middle East. They love him over there. They call him Lawrence of Arythmia." --David Letterman

"The Republican Party is still dealing with the fallout from the Jack Abramoff corruption scandal. The latest victim: Ohio Congressman and Three-Time World Comb-Over Champion Bob Ney. Ney stepped down from his position as House Administration Committee chairman this week while he's under investigation. That chairmanship goes to the next highest ranking Republican on the committee, Representative Giant Pile Of Jack Abramoff's Money." --Jon Stewart

"There's a rumor going around that we have killed Al Qaeda's number two man. And if true, it will be the 387th time we've killed their number two man." --Jay Leno

Jokes for the Week of Jan. 8-14

"During the Senate confirmation hearings for Supreme Court nominee Samuel Alito, tempers boiled when Sen. Ted Kennedy threatened to subpoena records of the controversial group Concerned Alumni of Princeton, and chairman Arlen Specter had to slam his gavel twice before boredom was restored. " --Tina Fey

"During Sen. Graham's apology, Martha-Ann Bomgardner, Alito's wife, was so overcome with emotion she broke down in tears and left the hearing. To get an abortion." --Tina Fey

"They asked [Judge Alito] a lot of questions, to see if he's in touch with the average American. What is the price of a loaf of bread? How much is a gallon of milk? What is the cost to buy a congressman?" --Jay Leno

"And now the Abramoff guy. You know, the lobbyist involved in the corruption scandal? They're now saying he's completely out of money. Tapped out. In fact, they're making a movie about him called 'Broke Ass Mountain.'" --Jay Leno

"Prime Minister Tony Blair admitted during an interview this week that he has smacked his children, though only because he believed reports that they were carrying weapons of mass destruction." --Tina Fey

"The French have launched their own version of Google, called Quaero. You just type in the subject you're interested in, and Quaero refuses to look it up for you." --Amy Poehler

"Happy birthday to Rush Limbaugh. He's 55 years old. You have to give Rush credit... He's probably the only Republican in the country with a cheap prescription drug plan." --Jay Leno

"Today is the day we celebrate Dr. King's birthday. I'm not quite sure President Bush understands this. When he was told it's Dr. King's birthday, he said, 'Larry's a doctor?' ... And did you hear what happened in Sacramento? Arnold Schwarzenegger celebrated by crashing his motorcycle into Al Sharpton." --Jay Leno

"The Supreme Court confirmation hearings got pretty heated yesterday. Ted Kennedy question Judge Alito's integrity when Alito was at Princeton. As you may know, Kennedy was kicked out of Harvard for cheating. So when it comes to questionable integrity at college he knows what he is talking about." --Jay Leno"

"Doctors in Israel are now slowly drawing Prime Minister Ariel Sharon out of his coma to see what his remaining brain function is. Political experts say it is unlikely someone could run a country with a severe loss of brain activity. I beg to differ." --Jay Leno

"Have you watched any of these confirmation hearings for Supreme Court nominee Sam Alito? Senators are given thirty minutes to question the guy: thirty minutes exactly. Senator Joe Biden's question took 23 1/2 minutes. His question took 24 minutes. And Alito is smart. He's brilliant. Do you know what he said? 'I'm sorry, could you repeat the question?'" --Jay Leno

"Have you been watching the Samuel Alito confirmation hearings? They're so dull, CBS has ordered 13 more episodes. This Alito guy is so tight that to loosen him up, finally, Ted Kennedy sent over a couple Bloody Marys." --David Letterman

"During an odd moment at the [Alito] hearings yesterday, this is true, Sen. Arlen Specter announced that he goes to the same gym as Sen. Ted Kennedy. Not surprisingly, it's the gym that's closed 364 days a year." --Conan O'Brien

"There was also the emotionally-charged saga of Mrs. Alito. I myself will never forget the sight of her crying as she listened to Sen. Lindsey Graham defend her husband from Democratic attacks on his character. It was a sign of how brutal and hard-hitting these hearings can be, especially for a woman who, due to a tragic laundry accident, was forced to show up wearing her grandmother's couch." --"Daily Show" correspondent Ed Helms

"Senators were shocked that Alito would belong to a group made up of exclusively white males, as opposed to the Senate, which is, of course, overwhelmingly husky white males. If your organization is all white and all male, make sure they're all fat." --Jon Stewart

"Sen. Ted Kennedy is writing a children's book with his dog, from the dog's point of view. Sen. Ted Kennedy has a dog named Splash. Is that the best name for Ted Kennedy's dog? Isn't that like that Jack Abramoff guy naming his dog Bribe?" --Jay Leno

"Have you been watching the Alito Supreme Court nomination hearings? The Democrats are upset, they're crazy, they're already accusing him of giving vague, contradictory hearings. And Alito was on that, he shot back, 'Maybe, maybe not.'" --David Letterman

"The American Bar Association gave Supreme Court nominee Samuel Alito their highest rating. President Bush gave Alito his highest rating, too, because he called him 'Super' and 'Duper.'" --Conan O'Brien

"Doctors say that Ariel Sharon is emerging from his coma and can move his hand. The first thing he did was give Pat Robertson the finger." --Jay Leno

"Former D.C. Mayor Marion Barry has once again tested positive for cocaine. D.C. police said they suspected he was using cocaine when they found out he was Marion Barry." --Conan O'Brien

"This week, New Jersey voted to temporarily suspend the death penalty. Lawmakers say it sends a strong message to death row inmates: If we can't leave New Jersey, neither can you." --Conan O'Brien

"Last Thursday, the president tried to counter the growing criticism of his Iraq policy by gathering together 13 former secretaries of defense and state, a regular who's who of who's blown up what. ... Also on the guest list, Robert McNamara, defense secretary during the Vietnam era. The White House invited him to ensure that at least someone in the room had fu*ked up more than they have." --Jon Stewart

"Arnold Schwarzenegger is back at work after a motorcycle accident. He had to have 15 stitches in his left upper lift. The whole left side of his mouth was numb. Which is tough for a politician, to only being able to speak out of one side on your mouth." --Jay Leno

"Supreme Court confirmation hearings are under way for Judge Samuel Alito. It's pretty interesting. Democrats want to know his position on privacy, while Republicans want to know his position on prison terms for bribery." --Jay Leno

"Democrats are worried Alito might be a threat to the Endangered Species List. They started worrying about the Endangered Species List when they found out they were on it." --Jay Leno

"If Pat Robertson ever gets tired of being a televangelist, he would make a great administrator for an HMO. 'Broken leg? Yeah, God's mad at you.'"--Jay Leno

"During Judge Alito's hearings, Senator Ted Kennedy accidentally referred to Sam Alito as Ali-oto. Kennedy said 'Forgive me, I'm sober.'" --Conan O'Brien

"Yesterday, President Bush said Alito was 'immenately qualified.' Yeah, then he said 'Unless imminently means not.'" --Conan O'Brien

"Vice President Dick Cheney had a little scare -- he was rushed to the hospital due to difficulty breathing. Fortunately, the difficulty breathing wasn't due to heart problems, but because of the Bush administration's environmental policies." --Jay Leno

"Indicted Congressman Tom DeLay announced that he will not run for re-election as House Majority Leader but that he will run for re-election to Congress. So apparently he thinks he's too corrupt to be a leader, but not too corrupt to be just an ordinary congressman." --Jay Leno

"Dick Cheney had another scare. He was taken to the hospital with shortness of breath. He was okay, he was just winded from torturing a detainee." --David Letterman

"Because of the Jack Abramoff and Duke Cunningham bribery scandals, Republicans in Congress are now putting together what they are calling a sweeping lobbying reform package. They think it's such a good idea that they're going to charge companies a million dollars to sponsor it." --Jay Leno

"This Jack Abramoff guy allegedly bribed congressmen on issues ranging from wireless phone service to internet gambling. This guy was really up to date on technology. In fact, before he was indicted, he had a deal going with the home shopping network for people to be able to buy a congressman online." --Jay Leno

"In Washington, the Justice Department was evacuated because of a suspicious package. It was okay, it just turned out to be a bag of cash dropped off by Jack Abramoff." --David Letterman

"So what? A lobbyist cheated Indian tribes out of $25 million then laundered their money through phony Christian charities trying to stop other Indian tribes from getting casinos [on screen: 'Thou Shalt Not Compete'] and bribe congressmen in the process. Know what I call that? I call that business as usual in Washington. [on screen: 'Screwing Indians']" --Stephen Colbert

"Israeli Prime Minister Ariel Sharon has regained some brain function. The bad news: Pat Robertson, still no brain function at all. You know about this -- last week Pat Robertson said Ariel Sharon had a stroke because God was punishing him for dividing Israel. You remember a couple of years ago Pat Robertson announced he had prostate cancer? You think God was punishing him for being a pain in the ass?" -- Jay Leno

"Not all Americans are hated down south. On Sunday, Hugo Chavez welcomed musician Harry Belafonte, a beloved entertainer who serves as a United Nations goodwill ambassador. [clip of Belafonte calling Pres. Bush 'the greatest terrorist in the world.'] I'm sorry, goodwill ambassador? So really, George Bush is the world's greatest terrorist? That's going to be news to Osama bin Laden, who's got the track record and the mug from his grandchildren to prove it." --Jon Stewart

Jokes for the Week of Jan. 1-Jan. 7

"Lots of people are returning gifts this week, and that's just Congressmen. ... Even President Bush returned $6,000 given to him by that creepy Jack Abramoff guy. But Bush said he hadn't done anything with the money. In fact, it still had the original strings attached." --Jay Leno

Things are so bad now the Iraqis are offering to help us restore democracy in Washington." --Jay Leno

"President Bush met with all the former secretaries of State and Defense for advice on Iraq. This is quite a change. This is the first time Bush has listened to anybody. Well, if you don't count the wire taps." --Jay Leno

"According to the Washington Post, Vice President Dick Cheney is limping today because he injured his foot. Cheney said 'If you think my foot looks bad, you should see the old lady I was kicking.'" --Conan O'Brien

"Republicans now want Donald Trump to run for governor of New York. I think it'd be nice to see the guy get a little publicity for a change. Friends though say that Donald is very excited about this and he's seriously thinking about throwing his hair into the ring" --David Letterman

"France and Germany warned Iran this week not to pursue their nuclear research program. In fact, France and Germany warned Iran that if they didn't stop their program they would, you know, warn them again." --Jay Leno

"Did you hear about this, Pat Robertson said that Israeli Prime Minister Ariel Sharon's massive stroke was God's punishment for him giving up Israeli Territory? If you are playing along at home, this is Pat's first idiotic statement of the New Year." --Jay Leno

"Congressmen are actually now returning illegal gifts. I called the weather bureau, and sure enough, hell has frozen over." --David Letterman

"The former chef of the White House has written a tell-all book. For example, he says that Dick Cheney, Vice President, his favorite dish is a dish called Chicken Gitmo. It's chicken bound and gagged on a bed of rice." --David Letterman

"There will be a lot of changes, I tell you, if Donald Trump were president. Instead of getting bad intelligence from the CIA, Trump would get bad intelligence from his barber." --David Letterman

"The White House announced today, as everybody else did, that President Bush's re-election campaign, they're going to take the money they got from this Jack Abramoff guy and donate it to heart patients in need. See? It goes right back to Cheney again!" --Jay Leno

"It turns out, Abramoff got a lot of money from the Indian gaming people and then he defrauded them. He defrauded Indian tribes and took their money. I just hope this one incident doesn't poison the normally good trust that existed between the white man and the Indian." --Jay Leno

"Congressman Tom DeLay officially filed for re-election. He's been indicted and he filed for re-election. He's got a good slogan: 'Give me two more years before the judge gives me five to ten.'" --Jay Leno

"Did you all see Sandra Day O'Connor making the coin toss [at the Rose Bowl]? When President Bush saw a Supreme Court justice flipping a coin he went, 'Hey, that's how I got elected!' --Jay Leno

"You know how sometimes during war time, civil liberties can take a back seat to national security? Well, I got good news and bad news. The good news is this -- no Japanese people are being sent to any camps. The bad news is, that time you got hammered and drunk dialed your ex-girlfriend who's studying abroad and sang her that WHAM! song that was 'your song' -- uh, the government's got that on tape." --Jon Stewart

"Donald Trump running for president. I blame George Bush. He lowered the standard." --David Letterman

Donald Trump as President of the United States. I can't wait for the Washington monument to turn into a condo." --David Letterman

"When they had to book [Jack Abramoff], they emptied his pockets and Tom DeLay fell out. ... We're learning more and more about this Abramoff guy. You know, before he was a lobbyist, he was a Hollywood producer. So he went from Sodom to Gomorrah." --Jay Leno

"President Bush was clearing brush at his ranch when he was scratched by a tree. That's a switch, a tree harming a Republican, when does that ever happen? I guess Bush has cut down so many trees they're starting to fight back now" --Jay Leno

"Election in Iraq was three weeks ago. Believe it or not, officials say it's going to be another two weeks before they announce who won. Odd part is that the winner will be announced by Ryan Seacrest." --Conan O'Brien

"New Jersey's having a contest for a new state motto. One of the finalists is 'New Jersey: Come see for yourself.' Apparently it narrowly beat out 'New Jersey: Come smell for yourself'." --Conan O'Brien

"According to a new poll, President Bush's approval rating, on the rise. Well, a lot of those polls are phone polls. People are worried Bush is listening: What? I think he's doing a hell of a job! Yeah." --Jay Leno

"All kinds of gigantic sales going on after Christmas. Today in Washington, lobbyist Jack Abramoff was selling Tom DeLay at 50% off." --Jay Leno

"It's the start of a new year and President Bush wants to hit the ground bungling." --David Letterman

"A kid from Florida, he was like 16 years old, and he runs away from home and he goes to Iraq. His family was from Iraq, and he wanted to go back and see what it was like. He spent like three weeks over there and then he came home. At least he had an exit strategy." --David Letterman

"While President Bush was spending the holidays at his Texas ranch, he was clearing brush and a branch cut his face. As a result the tree was cut down and tortured by Dick Cheney." --Conan O'Brien

"Republican lobbyist Jack Abramoff has agreed to cooperate with federal prosecutors. He could name up to 20 congressmen. When President Bush heard this, he said 'That's amazing. I can only name three congressmen.'" --Conan O'Brien

"Donald Trump is reportedly considering running for president in 2008. Yeah, Trump said he'll choose a running mate, and then dump her for a younger, hotter running mate." --Conan O'Brien

"President Bush says he is 100% sure he was right to wiretap. 100% sure that he was right to wiretap. And you know Bush, when he says he's 100% sure, he's always right." --David Letterman