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"Tonight was Dan Rather's final night on the evening news. ... Rather says now that he has stepped down as anchor for the CBS 'Evening News,' he wants to spend more time with his grandchildren. Sadly, his grandchildren would rather hang out with Peter Jennings." --Conan O'Brien

"Dan Rather announced today that he's stepping down as anchor of the CBS News. Though rather said he hasn’t been able to verify it yet. So it's not official." --Jay Leno

"Dan Rather said today that his decision to retire has nothing to do with the controversy over those fake National Guard documents. That's kind of like Yasser Arafat saying his decision to step down had nothing to do with him dying." --Jay Leno

"Dan Rather announced that he's stepping down as the anchor of the CBS Evening News. I had a feeling something was coming yesterday when he signed off with, 'I'm Dan Rather and you can all bite me." --Jay Leno

"Boy there's a lot of changes in the nightly newscast. Tom Brokaw stepping down. Dan Rather stepping down. Soon the most trusted man in television could wind up being Geraldo Rivera." --Jay Leno

"As you know, Bill O'Reilly is being accused of sexual harassment from a female producer on his show. She claims they had phone sex and he claims, no he is just a victim of vast right hand conspiracy." --Jay Leno

"First Mike Wallace had the run in with the limo driver -- remember they threw Mike Wallace in jail. Then Dan Rather gets caught with a fake memo, now Bill O'Reilly being sued for sexual harassment. Do you know the most trusted news man in America is now Geraldo Rivera?" --Jay Leno

"When it comes to accusations, we don't know who's telling the truth, so I'm not going to get on the Bill O'Reilly bandwagon. But one of his producers is suing him for unwanted phone sex with her while he was using a vibrator on himself. To me, that doesn't sound like Bill O'Reilly, because usually he's pulling stuff out of his ass." --Bill Maher

"A female producer at Fox News has filed a sexual harassment suit against Bill O-O-O'Reilly. She claims he repeatedly talked to her about phone sex, threesomes and masturbation. The last straw was when he asked her if her breasts were fair and balanced." --Jay Leno

"A female producer at Fox News has filed a sexual harassment against Bill O'Reilly. He reportedly talked to her about phone sex, threesomes and masturbation. Of coarse, the people at Fox News were shocked. They had no idea O'Reilly was a Democrat. Oh, it gets worse, after she hung up on him, Bill tried to *69 her." --Jay Leno

"Janet Jackson's 'wardrobe malfunction' cost CBS $550 grand this week. Boy, what a tough week for the network. First, the false documents on President Bush's National Guard record and now this. CBS says they have learned their lesson, no more trying to expose boobs." --Bill Maher

"Republicans are now saying that Dan Rather should lose his job because he misled the country with bogus information. Which is odd because the Democrats are saying the exact same thing about President Bush." --Jay Leno

"There's a lot of controversy surrounding the authenticity of this memos shown on '60 Minutes' concerning President Bush and his service in the National Guard. If there's one thing you don't want to see, it's a president who didn't really win the election being brought down by phony documents." —Jay Leno

"We begin tonight with a simple, indisputable fact: as a young man, President George W. Bush benefited from family connections to get a place in the Texas Air National Guard, thus avoiding service in Vietnam. As you would guess, this has led to calls for the resignation of Dan Rather." --Jon Stewart

"I'm sure you’ve all heard about the troubles at CBS, which stands for Can't Back Story, by the way." --Jay Leno

"Earlier this week, '60 Minutes' featured documents that they say proved President Bush did not fulfill his requirements for National Guard service. Well, now there's talk that the documents are forged. Well, of course, President Bush is stunned. He said, 'You mean I did show up for duty?" —Jay Leno

"Actually new documents surfaced today proving that President Bush did not fulfill his National Guard service. CBS said they know they're new because they were just printed over the weekend." —Jay Leno

"Fox News announced they have phony documents also, but then they realized 'Oh, it's just our regular script."' —Jay Leno

"I don't know what the big deal is about these phony documents. I mean the last election we had phony documents. Remember the last election in Florida? They were called ballots." —Jay Leno

"This week, our friend Al Franken is launching a new all liberal radio network called Air America. They say the purpose of Air America will be to balance out all the conservatives in the media, except, of course for NPR, CNN, CBS, ABC, NBC, and the New York Times." —Jay Leno

"The election is in full-swing. Republicans have taken out round-the-clock ads promoting George Bush. Don't we already have that? It's called Fox News." —Craig Kilborn

"I love watching the White House press conferences, they're very enjoyable. I love watching talented journalists who spent their entire lives to get the point where they're in the White House press corps only to find out they're dictation machines where the White House will tell them what to say. But I'm watching it today and the strangest thing happened, today was the first press conference relevant since they released the President's Vietnam service record and suddenly, it's like there's a whole new attitude. I have just one question for the press corps: Where the f--- have you been? You're starting to ask questions now? Now? All of a sudden, they've got questions and it's about his Vietnam service. Guys, you're like eight wars behind. Hey! I heard there was a break in at the Watergate! You might want to check in on that!" —Jon Stewart

"After five weeks of drug rehab, Rush went back to doing his radio show. He told his audience just because he was doing something that was contradictory to what he was telling other people to do, that doesn't mean he was a hypocrite. I thought that was the definition! He told his radio audience that he never lied to the public, he lied to himself. And today Bill Clinton went 'This guy's good.'" —Jay Leno

"A frightened CBS has decided to drop their Ronald Reagan miniseries after claims by Republicans that it was historically inaccurate. See, that is what I love about Washington — it's OK to make up stories about weapons of mass destruction, but lie about dialogue in a TV show — whoa, over the edge!" —Jay Leno

"After complaints from conservative groups, CBS has pulled the miniseries 'The Reagans' off the air because of historical inaccuracies. It will be replaced by a sitcom called 'The Clintons.'" —Jay Leno

"Rush Limbaugh is now in rehabilitation and it's going well. It's interesting, one minute you're Rush Limbaugh, great conservative radio talk show host, and the next day you're standing in line with other patients waiting for Darryl Strawberry's autograph." —David Letterman

"Over the weekend, Rush Limbaugh admitted he has a drug problem. Apparently he ran out." —Jay Leno

"After a week of speculation in the press, Rush Limbaugh admitted that he is addicted to pain killers and I'm sorry to say, hoagies. Limbaugh blames his addiction on a botched back operation and lesbians." —Tina Fey, Saturday Night Live's "Weekend Update"

"Today, Rush Limbaugh said he can't talk about the prescription drug scandal he's involved in because he said I don't yet know what I'm dealing with. Hey, didn't stop him from talking about black quarterbacks." —Jay Leno

"Big news on CNN, a search has uncovered illegal biochemical agents, toxins and other dangerous substances. Not in Iraq, in Rush Limbaugh's medicine cabinet." —Jay Leno

"Pretty ironic, that the only Republican with a prescription drug plan is Rush Limbaugh. Actually today Rush said he would have no comment on his drug problem until he could figure out a way to blame it on the Clintons." —Jay Leno

"Rush Limbaugh resigned from his job on ESPN's sunday NFL Countdown after racially charged remarks about Philadelphia Eagles Quarterback Donovan McNabb, saying that Mcnabb was given too much credit for his performance because he was black. Finally, someone has the guts to say what the liberal media doesn't want you to know: Black people are not good at sports." —Tina Fey, Saturday Night Live's "Weekend Update"

"Apparently Rush Limbaugh is a drug freak. Apparently, he was able to lose the 'big fat' part but not the 'idiot' part." —Jon Stewart

"The Bush administration announced that it is starting its own news channel in Iraq so they can deliver the administration's point of view without any interference. Not surprisingly they are gonna call it the Fox News Network." —Conan O'Brien

"A couple of hours ago, President Bush arrived back in the United States after a controversial trip to England. The president said he was looking forward to seeing his loved ones. Of course he was talking about the reporters at Fox News." —Conan O'Brien

"Chaos continues at the New York Times where top editors Howell Raines and Gerald Boyd resign today because of the roles in the Jayson Blair scandal. No word yet on when they'll start their new jobs at Fox News." —Craig Kilborn

"Sean Penn has published a 4,000 word essay in Friday's New York Times defending his visit to Iraq and his position on the war. That's pretty amazing, a writer for the New York Times who actually visited the places he's writing about. Has that ever happened before?" —Jay Leno

"In Washington, the FCC voted to allow big media companies to own more television stations and newspapers. They believe that this improves the American peoples' ability to get a single viewpoint rather than be confused by a bunch of different ones." —Jay Leno

"Did you see what made this week's New York Times bestseller list for fiction? Did you see it? It was the New York Times." —David Letterman

"The French ambassador to the U.S. has written an angry letter alleging that the U.S. is engaging in a disinformation campaign of false stories. So, I guess they get the New York Times over there too." —Jay Leno

"This week the New York Times made public the details of disgraced reporter Jayson Blair, who was found to have made up or plagiarized dozens of articles for the venerable paper. The Times finally caught Blair in a lie during the war in Iraq when he claimed to be embedded in Ashleigh Banfield." —Tina Fey, Saturday Night Live's "Weekend Update"

"You've heard about the debacle over at the New York Times. Well, I don't want to say the Times' reputation is bad, but this morning my canary refused to crap on it." —Craig Kilborn

"The former Iraqi Information Minister got a new job. He's the new fact checker for the New York Times." —Jay Leno

"The Chinese government launched China's first 24-hour news channel. And since the channel will only report stories that are favorable to the ruling party, they've decided to call it Fox News." —Conan O'Brien

"More looting in Iraq today and that’s just by Fox News. A TV engineer for Fox News has been charged with trying to smuggle stolen Iraqi paintings into the U.S. No wonder they got so much good video of all those people looting, they were right there with them. Well, let's just hope his jury is 'fair and balanced' as Fox News." —Jay Leno

"With 90 percent of the bombs in, MSNBC is officially calling the war for the United States." —Jay Leno

"Al-Jazeera is claiming we shot two of their reporters on purpose. Oh, shut up. If we were shooting journalists on purpose, you think Peter Arnett and Geraldo would still be around?" —Jay Leno

"Tonight again, Baghdad is without power and this has the Iraqi military very worried. They say without TV and phone service, how are they going to get the enemy position from Geraldo?" —Bill Maher

"The United States Central Command of the Armed Forces has asked Geraldo Rivera to leave Iraq. It should also be noted that the only three other people that the U.S. military has asked to leave Iraq are Saddam Hussein and his two sons." —Jon Stewart

"How am I supposed to trust the honesty of a reporter that has that bad of a comb-over on top of his head? He's got four hairs left and he's swirling them around...This guy is dangerously close to pulling hair over from another guy's head. Hey, guess what Pete? We know you're bald, okay? The outside of your skull is as empty as the inside." —Dennis Miller, on Peter Arnett

"Critics of the media are saying that cable news anchors are hyping the news too much and are acting like game show hosts. In fact, today Wolf Blitzer asked Donald Rumsfeld to phrase his war update in the form of a question." —Conan O'Brien

"Saddam Hussein has said he will dance in the streets when the great Satan America dies in the streets of Baghdad. I'm sorry. That was Peter Arnett that said that." —Craig Kilborn

"Yesterday Geraldo Rivera was again asked to leave Iraq for giving away sensitive information. ... Afterwards, Geraldo said I've never been so ashamed and I'm Geraldo." —Conan O'Brien

"[Peter Arnett] gave an interview to Iraqi state run TV in which he criticized U.S. war plans, complimented the Iraqi resistance, and said the American battle plan was a complete failure. In fact, they said if he comes back to the United States, he could be charged with impersonating a Hollywood celebrity."  —Jay Leno

"It's been reported that the Pentagon is trying to kick Geraldo Rivera out of Iraq because he revealed sensitive military information. Yeah, if Geraldo is kicked out this means that Saddam Hussein will once again be the most hated man in Iraq." —Conan O'Brien

"Playboy magazine announced that they are going to support the troops by sending them emails from Playboy playmates. After hearing this the U.S. troops said 'Just our luck, we get emails from playmates, but we're embedded with Geraldo.'" —Conan O'Brien

"This 24-hour live coverage of the war, 24-hours a day is pretty much uncharted territory. They've never done this before, it was all time-lined. This is all new, and today CNN said that they have no idea how Wolf Blitzer will react to a full moon." —Jay Leno

"We are at war with Iraq, or as it's officially known in Washington, 'Operation Enduring Wolf Blitzer.'" —Bill Maher

"Chief Weapons Inspector Hans Blix told the U.N. today that Baghdad is cooperating or, to put it in terms that Fox News viewers can understand, Hans Blix told the U.N. today that Baghdad is not cooperating." —Bill Maher

"'60 Minutes' is hiring Bill Clinton and Bob Dole to do a point-counterpoint segment where they debate two sides to an argument. Why do you need Dole? Clinton likes to waffle, he can do both sides. ... I feel bad for Leslie Stall. She spent half the day trying to keep Clinton off of her and the other half of the day trying to avoid Dole telling her how Viagra works. ... I guess Dole is doing a lot of TV. He signed a deal with CBS and next month he's going to play a corpse on CSI." —Jay Leno

"The Pentagon announced a policy change. They said that if there is a war with Iraq, they will give the media total access. They're going to let them come along, be there on the front lines. It's called Operation Goodbye Geraldo." —Jay Leno

"CBS news anchor Dan Rather has interviewed Iraqi dictator Saddam Hussein. When asked what it was like to talk to a crazy man, Saddam said, 'It's not so bad.'" —Conan O'Brien

"One of the interpreters hired by CBS for the Dan Rather/Saddam Hussein interview adopted a phony Arabic accent. You know, maybe CBS should have hired somebody with a fake Dan Rather accent to ask tougher questions." —Jay Leno

"You know the saddest thing about that interview with Saddam Hussein? He actually came off more normal than Michael Jackson and Robert Blake." —Jay Leno, on Dan Rather's "60 Minutes" interview with Saddam Hussein

"Roger Ailes, the head of the Fox News Channel, is denying reports that he sent President Bush a letter giving him advice on the war. In his own defense Ailes said I'm not in a position to give anyone advice, I hired Geraldo." —Conan O'Brien

"I never give my opinion on political matters, but before we bomb Iraq, let's wait two weeks until Geraldo is over there." —Craig Kilborn

"This week the Fox News Channel found out that a man that they had repeatedly interviewed lied about being a Lieutenant Colonel in the Army and he wasn't a real Colonel at all. Yeah, and they had been interviewing this guy for months. After hearing the news a spokesperson for FOX said, 'Big deal, Geraldo is not a real reporter.'" —Conan O'Brien

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