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"You know Bill Bennett. He wrote 'The Book of Virtues' and 'The Death of Outrage' about the Clinton impeachment. He apparently is a high-stakes gambler. ... He said today that gambling is a personal matter, and that he's not doing anything illegal and it's nobody's business. Or, as he calls that in his book, the Clinton Defense." —Jay Leno

"William Bennett, the man they call the moral voice of America, lost almost $8 million playing slot machines. And here is the amazing part: He still has a better economic plan than President Bush." —Jay Leno

"The Democrats love to bring up this whole Bill Bennett thing because they said it makes up for Clinton's indiscretions. See the difference is, though, when Bennett hits on 17 it's not someone's daughter." —Jay Leno

"Did you hear what Bennett's lawyers said today? They said it wasn't gambling, but part of his Indian outreach program." —Jay Leno

"President Bush has come up with what he says is a sound economic plan. He announced today that's he's going to give all the money to the U.S. Treasury and let William Bennett bet it on red." —Jay Leno

"Sen. Rick Santorum is causing a lot of controversy this week with remarks he made about gays. He said, 'I have no problem with homosexuals, I have a problem with homosexual acts.' Well maybe he's doing it wrong." —Jay Leno

"Gay rights groups are calling for Santorum's resignation because he compared homosexuality to bigamy, polygamy, adultery and incest. It's not just the gay groups who are insulted. The Mormons are insulted because he included polygamy, Congress was insulted because he included adultery, and Arkansas was insulted because he included incest." —Jay Leno

"Gay rights groups are calling for the resignation of Senator Rick Santorum of Pennsylvania for comparing homosexuality to bigamy, polygamy, incest and adultery. Apparently, he's tried them all and found them similar." —Jay Leno

"What Santorum said was he is not against homosexuals, he is against homosexual acts. He said the only thing you should put in your mouth is your foot." —Jay Leno

"The number two Republican in the Senate, Mitch McConnell underwent heart surgery last week. He's doing fine. Nothing was actually wrong with his heart, it's just that whenever a Republican is elected to a leadership position, they have to have their heart bypassed." —Jay Leno

"Here's good news I guess, New York City will host the 2004 Republican convention. We lured the Republicans here the old fashioned way, with bribe money and hookers. ... The Republicans are getting ready. They want everything to go perfectly. In fact, they are already auditioning people to be black Republicans." —David Letterman

"So now the U.S. senate is going to be led by the cat world's answer to Dr. Mengele!" —Columnist Alexander Cockburn, on reports that Senate Majority Leader Bill Frist used to adopt cats from animal shelters and kill them during experiments

"It looks like the guy likely to replace Lott is Tennessee Senator Bill Frist, who was a heart transplant surgeon before he came to the Senate. Being a heart surgeon, he knew exactly where to plunge the dagger." —Jay Leno

"Trent Lott has found himself in a lot of trouble over his comments (about segregation)...Keep in mind Lott only says this kind of stuff once every 22 years. We like to think of him as the Halley's Comet of bigotry." —Jon Stewart

"The government has now cancelled all pay raises for all federal employees. So let's see, President Bush's party has taken control of Congress, last week they gave themselves a pay raise, and cancelled pay raises for all other employees. I think that's called the 'Republican Trifecta.'" —Jay Leno

"President Bush's press secretary Ari Fleischer just got married and, believe it or not, one of the wedding presents he was registered for was a DVD of 'Forrest Gump.' He wanted to watch 'Forrest Gump.' You'd think he'd get enough of that at work." —Jay Leno

"As you know the Republicans now control everything in Washington — the House, the Senate, Supreme Court, the White House. Well the bad news, they got no excuse. You screw up this one, it's your fault." —Jay Leno

"I've been in politics for over 20 years, and for over 20 years, I've had Barbara Streisand trying to do my job. And so I decided to try my hand at her job." —Sen. John McCain, in a Saturday Night Live sketch in which he sang ballads from his new album "McCain Sings Streisand"

"Senator Strom Thurmond is retiring. He turns 100 years old in December – or as Anna Nicole Smith calls him – "the bachelor." —Jay Leno

"The Justice Department announced plans this week for a new color- coded alert system with green for the most relaxed and red as the most serious warning. ....Strom Thurmond was visibly enthused about the plan, saying, 'A colored alert system? I've been waiting for one of them for years.'" —Tina Fey on Saturday Night Live's "Weekend Update"

"Congressman Bob Barr was at a rally last night when someone gave him a .38 caliber gun as a gift. Well, the gun went off. You know, the politicians hit the floor. The Republicans thought maybe it was an angry voter, someone with money in the stock market. And the Democrats thought maybe it was an angry husband. So, between the two of them, they didn't know where to go." —Jay Leno

"As you know, a judge here in California has ruled that the Pledge of Allegiance is unconstitutional. A reporter asked Attorney General John Ashcroft how he felt about the ruling, but Ashcroft said he couldn't answer, because, you know, he hasn't read the Constitution yet." —Jay Leno

"Today is the anniversary of the Watergate break-in. That's the day the Republicans tried to steal the Democrat's plans. That's also the last time the Democrats had any plans worth stealing. It's also the last time a Republican president had a plan and actually carried it out." —Jay Leno

"Attorney General John Ashcroft is going to cover up another nude statue in the Justice Department. Remember last time, he spent $8,000 to cover up a statue with a curtain. This time it will be a little cheaper because they're just going to cover it with hundreds of unread FBI memos." —Jay Leno

"Even Mayor Bloomberg takes part in summertime activities. How many of you knew Mayor Bloomberg plays golf? So anyway today he goes out and plays golf, but you got to give him credit, it is hard to sink a difficult put, you know when you are wrecked on weed." —David Letterman

"Have you been hearing about all the new security alerts for New York City? Nothing to worry about. Mayor Mike Bloomberg said everything is safe, absolutely nothing to worry about. And he said this from his house in the Bahamas." —David Letterman

"Speaking at the National Press Club, former Vice President Dan Quayle said that if you take out the profanity, the TV show The Osbournes is a show about good family values. If you take out the profanity, The Osbournes is about thirty seconds long...Quayle also said that when teenagers see Ozzy Osbourne, it sends them the right message about drugs. Think about it, Dan Quayle never did drugs, he's middle-aged and unemployed. Ozzy did drugs for thirty years, lives in a $10 million dollar house, has his own TV show and a $3 million dollar book deal. What's the message?" —Jay Leno

"NBC announced this week that they will be producing a three-hour TV movie based on the life of Rudy Giuliani. To keep the movie true to life, the Giuliani character is really unlikable until the last fifteen minutes when everyone loves him." —Tina Fey on Saturday Night Live's "Weekend Update"

"White House spokesperson Ari Fleischer ... announced he's getting married. He said he was going to promise to love, honor and cherish his new bride, but he told her he doesn't want to be quoted by name, just refer to him as a senior White House official." —Jay Leno

"With new data, scientists have determined that the universe is 13 billion years old. After hearing this, Strom Thurmond said, 'It kills me that I missed the first half.'" —Conan O'Brien

"Today is Earth Day, or, as the Bush administration calls it, Monday. ... I thought this was a nice touch. To celebrate Earth Day here, Mayor Bloomberg went out and planted some weed." —David Letterman

"Today President Bush said he wants a ban on cloning. Meanwhile, Attorney General Ashcroft said he wants a ban on making humans the old-fashioned way." —Conan O'Brien

"Big controversy at the University of Northern Colorado. It seems that an intramural basketball team made up of mostly Native Americans ... decided to protest all the mascots that offend them by naming their team 'The Fighting Whities.' ... Isn't that the name of the Republican Party?" —Jay Leno

"Elizabeth Dole is considering a run for the Senate. When asked about it, Mrs. Dole said, 'Anything to get away from my husband and his little blue pills'" —Conan O'Brien

"Bob Dole is going to be appearing in a Pepsi commercial with Britney Spears. Yeah, apparently Dole says that if this doesn't cure his erectile dysfunction, nothing will." —Conan O'Brien

"Senator Jim Jeffords made huge news when he switched political parties. Everyone was talking about it. Then it was pointed out that Strom Thurmond once switched parties. Apparently, years ago, Strom switched from the hunters to the gatherers." —Conan O'Brien

"I guess today Senator James Jeffords from Vermont left the Republican party, became an independent. Yeah, he said he did it to follow his conscience and his principles. See, that's why he became independent, if you have a conscience and principles, you can't be a Republican or a Democrat." —Jay Leno

"The big rumor in Washington is that Senator James Jeffords of Vermont may switch parties, giving Democrats control of the Senate. That's the big rumor. See, that would still leave the House controlled by the Republicans, and of course the White House controlled by the oil companies. So you'd still have that balance." —Jay Leno

"The shift in power in the Senate means that Trent Lott will become the minority leader. Funny, you rarely hear a sentence with the words Trent Lott and minority that doesn't also include the words 'no appeal to' and 'hates'." —Daily Show host Jon Stewart

"Governor Jeb Bush of Florida announced he was running for re-election. Not only did he announce he was running for re-election, he also announced what his final vote count would be." —Jay Leno

"There have been rumors swirling around Florida that Florida Gov. Jeb Bush had been cheating on his wife. But he says no, that's not true, technically he wasn't cheating, they only had dimpled sex. That's when it doesn't go all the way." —Jay Leno

"Actually, he especially denied having an affair with Florida Secretary of State Katherine Harris. I believe him, I don't think he did. An affair with Katherine Harris? How much makeup would that leave on your collar? ... He said as a Republican, the only people he's been in bed with are the tobacco industry and the gun lobby." —Jay Leno

"Actually they said they don't really know how many women (Jeb Bush) has been with because since it is Florida, they're still counting. ... Boy talk about switches. During the last administration the president was accused of infidelity and his brother was an idiot. Now it is the other way around." —Jay Leno

"Jeb Bush went on TV the other day to deny rumors that he had a sexual relationship with a former Playboy Playmate. Oh! As a guy, that's got to kill you doesn't it? Having to deny to your friends that you had sex with a Playmate, even if you did." —Jay Leno

"In Washington last week, officials from the National Rifle Association met with a group of two hundred high school students. There were no survivors." —Tina Fey, on Saturday Night Live's "Weekend Update"

"Florida Secretary of State Katherine "Cruella DeVil" Harris is now running for Congress. She is running for Congress but she is now being investigated for budgeting three and half million dollars for overseas travel. It seems she went to Argentina, Panama, Brazil, Venezuela, Barbados, and Mexico all on tax payers' money. She said it was part of a program to see how third world countries fix their elections." —Jay Leno

"You remember Katherine Harris, Florida's Secretary of State. Now she is running for Congress. Just what we need, another crooked Florida election. She already believes that the confused and disoriented voters will put her over the top. She is very confident, she predicts she will win the election by 742 votes." —David Letterman

"New York Mayor Rudy Giuliani is once again expressing outrage at an art exhibit, this time at a painting in which Jesus is depicted as a naked woman. Said the mayor, 'This trash is not the sort of thing that I want to look at when I go to the museum with my mistress.'" —Tina Fey, on Saturday Night Live's "Weekend Update"

~Compiled by Daniel Kurtzman

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