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Late-Night Jokes About California Gov. Arnold Schwarzenegger
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Compiled by Daniel Kurtzman

"In a speech this week, California Governor Arnold Schwarzenegger said America needs to work together to conserve oil. Then Arnold lit a cigar and drove over the crowd in his hummer." --Conan O'Brien

"As Schwarzenegger found out, the trouble with getting voted in as a joke, sooner or later, the joke gets old." --"Daily Show" commentator Lewis Black

"There's now talk that either Warren Beatty or Rob Reiner will run against Arnold Schwarzenegger for governor. That gives Californians a real choice: Romantic lead, sitcom star or action hero." --Jay Leno

"Arnold Schwarzenegger's approval rating is down to 30%. After he heard this, Arnold said 'I'm not going to act all upset and hurt because I don't have that kind of range.'" --Conan O'Brien

"It's been reported today that Democrats in California are trying to find a candidate to run against Arnold Schwarzenegger. Unfortunately, the only candidate who's as qualified as Schwarzenegger is Vin Diesel" --Conan O'Brien

"Arnold Schwarzenegger's approval ratings in California have gone down to Gray Davis levels. I saw a bumper sticker on the way to work today that said 'Don't blame me I voted for Gary Coleman.'" --Bill Maher

"California Governor Arnold Schwarzenegger's popularity has been slipping in recent months as residents slowly begin to realize they elected Arnold Schwarzenegger to be their governor." --Tina Fey

 "Arnold Schwarzenegger may be in trouble. It's been reported that Arnold Schwarzenegger may go on trial this year for groping a reporter's breasts. When asked about it, he said 'I didn't want to but Barbara Walters kept insisting.'" --Conan O'Brien

"Republicans went from Arnold Schwarzenegger last night to Dick Cheney tonight. It's like, Arnold's like the picture in the dating service ad, and Dick's the guy who shows up." --Jay Leno, on the Republican convention

"Arnold Schwarzenegger spoke tonight at the convention. At first they were planning on having Arnold speak on the same night as President Bush but, then they realized, oh no, the convention interpreter's head would have exploded." Jay Leno

"If you are planning on going to the convention, even if you are a delegate, you're going to get frisked, you're going to get patted down, you're going to get groped, and that's just by Arnold Schwarzenegger." David Letterman

"While on vacation in Hawaii Wednesday, California Governor Arnold Schwarzenegger rescued a swimmer from drowning. No word yet on if Arnold knew the swimmer was drowning or if this was just a groping gone good." —Tina Fey

"Governor Arnold Schwarzenegger announced this week that after he got elected, he took a voluntary course on sexual harassment. Arnold says the sexual harassment course was a waste of time because quote 'I already know how to do it.'"  —Conan O'Brien

"In a shocking announcement, Governor Schwarzenegger said he supports changing the constitution to allow people like him to run for president. I'm shocked he would want that. Do you think he can win? Well, you know, it's interesting, he has Ronald Reagan's appeal as an actor and George W. Bush's difficulty with the English language. And, let's not forget, he's got a little Clinton in there too, so he could win." —Jay Leno

"Arnold Schwarzenegger has announced he will refuse his $175,000 salary and will work for free. I believe he will be worth every penny." —Craig Kilborn

"Arnold Schwarzenegger was sworn in as the Governor of California. He put one hand in the air, the other hand on the Bible, which is a good start — at least we know where his hands are now." —Jay Leno

"Today was Arnold Schwarzenegger's inauguration as Governor of California. Arnold was told to 'Raise your right hand and butcher the English language after me.'" —Craig Kilborn

"There was one tricky moment — to get Arnold to put his hand on the Bible, they stuck it in Paris Hilton's bra." —Craig Kilborn

"Arnold Schwarzenegger was sworn in as governor yesterday in the mystical land of the west known as Kali-forn-ia. Celebrities attended the event, including national anthem singer Vanessa Williams. But the moment everyone was waiting for was the swearing in. The Bible used for the swearing in ceremony was 200 years old and belonged to his in-laws, the Kennedys. That may explain why the Leviticus chapter is interspersed with the phone numbers of Rockettes." —Jon Stewart

"Earlier today in California Arnold Schwarzenegger was sworn in as Governor. After being sworn in, Arnold wasted no time and got right down to groping." —David Letterman

"Immediately after Arnold was sworn in, Gloria Alred jumped in: "While you have your hand on the Bible, I’d like to ask you a few questions." —Jay Leno

"More problems for Governor-elect Arnold Schwarzenegger. California Attorney General Bill Locklear has suggested a special toll free number be set up for women to call in allegations about Arnold's past. I have a better idea — why not make it a 900 number and charge $1.99 a minute. We'll pay off that $33 billion dollars right there." —Jay Leno

"As you know Arnold is investigating himself. He will subpoena both of his hands, and if he finds any evidence of wrongdoing he is going to sue himself." —Jay Leno

"In Washington, Arnold Schwarzenegger met with Vice President Dick Cheney. So, the Terminator met the Defibrillator. The difference between Schwarzenegger and Cheney is that when Cheney grabs a chest, it's his own." —Jay Leno

"Governor-elect Arnold Schwarzenegger is in Washington D.C. today. He and Ted Kennedy went to lunch. Your state's on fire and what do you do? A three-martini lunch with Ted Kennedy." —David Letterman

"Bush joked last week during his meeting with Schwarzenegger that they are both sometimes accused of misspeaking the language. Mr. President, he's from a foreign country." —Jon Stewart

"On Thursday in California, President Bush met privately with Governor-elect Arnold Schwarzenegger. What did the pair talk about? Neither is sure." —Tina Fey, Saturday Night Live's "Weekend Update"

"Arnold Schwarzenegger met with President Bush. It's amazing if you think about it. It was the Terminator and the One-Terminator." —David Letterman

"Arnold Schwarzenegger will probably be the keynote speaker at the Republican National Convention, which is very smart, because after Schwarzenegger speaks, Bush's English won't sound so bad." —Jay Leno

"Arnold Schwarzenegger announced he is going to ask President Bush for help with the budget. What better way to deal with a $38 billion deficit than get advice from a guy that created a $450 billion deficit." —Jay Leno

"In his first news conference after being elected governor of California, Arnold Schwarzenegger promised to clean house in Sacramento. He also threatened to molest the energy crisis, and date rape the deficit." —Tina Fey, Saturday Night Live's "Weekend Update"

"Time was, our leaders were all veterans of World War II, the Korean conflict or even the struggle for civil rights. But now, with the election of Jesse Ventura in Minnesota and Arnold Schwarzenegger in California, it is clear that the next generation of political leaders will all come from the movie 'Predator.'" —Stephen Colbert, The Daily Show with Jon Stewart

~Compiled by Daniel Kurtzman

Read more jokes about Arnold's campaign for governor and the California recall election.

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Arnold Schwarzenegger Humor Central
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