Ted Kennedy Jokes

"Hillary Clinton was shown at a bar in Indiana drinking a beer, and doing a shot of whiskey. Hey, and it worked. Today, Ted Kennedy switched back. 'I'm for Hillary now!'" --Jay Leno

"This week, footage surfaced of Senator Ted Kennedy singing in Spanish to a Latino group. Yeah, there was an awkward moment when someone in the crowd pointed at Kennedy's head and said, 'Look, the pinata is singing.'" --Conan O'Brien

"Ted Kennedy is here. He's in East L.A. this morning campaigning for Obama. Apparently, I'm not kidding, Ted Kennedy is very popular in the Latino community, and here's why [on screen: Sen. Ted Kennedy speaking in Spanish]. My Spanish is not perfect, but I believe in English that translates to 'I am fat and I plan to eat most of you by November.'" --Jimmy Kimmel

"You see Barack Obama at that rally surrounded by all those Kennedys? Man, I couldn't tell if he was running for president or bartender." --Jay Leno

"Congratulations to Barack Obama, won big in South Carolina. Today, he picked up the endorsement of the Kennedys. Big endorsement, with Ted Kennedy giving a rousing speech. But you know, Ted didn't always know who he was. Well, listen to this. This is like 18 months ago. Take a listen [on screen: Kennedy saying, 'Why don't we just ask Osama bin laden -- Osama Obama -- Obama']." --Jay Leno

"There was even more good news for Barack Obama yesterday. Caroline Kennedy endorsed him in a New York Times editorial and today her uncle Theodore granted Obama his blessing [on screen: Sen. Ted Kennedy (D-MA) saying, 'I'm proud to stand with him here today and offer my help, offer my voice, offer my energy, my commitment to make Barack Obama the next president of the United States']. What just happened to me? Did I just get inspired by Ted Kennedy? Next thing you know, we'll be putting a man on the moon" --Jon Stewart

"Congressman Patrick Kennedy crashed his car into a barricade on Capitol Hill at 3 o'clock in the morning yesterday. The head of his office said there was no alcohol involved. That's why it's a big story, a Kennedy, a car accident and no alcohol? That's never happened before." --Jay Leno

"What a nightmare I had last night. I dreamed I was at a Washington party and I had to choose between Dick Cheney taking me on a hunting trip or Ted Kennedy driving me home." --Jay Leno

"According to rumors, Ted Kennedy may have had a child out of wedlock. Well, who hasn't? But you know, something like this could damage Kennedy's image with women." --David Letterman

"Tabloids are reporting that Sen. Ted Kennedy has an illegitimate 21 year-old son. Apparently, Kennedy isn't denying the report, but the kid is." --Conan O'Brien

"Ted Kennedy got pretty contentious. After he pointed out that Samuel Alito once belonged to a club that didn’t allow women, it was discovered that Senator Kennedy also once belonged to a club that wouldn’t allow women. Of course, with Kennedy those were club rules in place purely for the safety of women." --Jay Leno

"The Supreme Court confirmation hearings got pretty heated yesterday. Ted Kennedy questioned Judge Alito's integrity when Alito was at Princeton. As you may know, Kennedy was kicked out of Harvard for cheating. So when it comes to questionable integrity at college he knows what he is talking about." --Jay Leno

"During Judge Alito's hearings, Senator Ted Kennedy accidentally referred to Sam Alito as Ali-oto. Kennedy said 'Forgive me, I'm sober.'" --Conan O'Brien

"Sen. Ted Kennedy is writing a children's book with his dog, from the dog's point of view. Sen. Ted Kennedy has a dog named Splash. Is that the best name for Ted Kennedy's dog? Isn't that like that Jack Abramoff guy naming his dog Bribe?" --Jay Leno

"Ted Kennedy said even if Hillary Clinton runs for president, he will still support John Kerry for the Democratic nomination in 2008. Ted Kennedy backing John Kerry -- you know what they say, two giant heads are better than one." --Jay Leno

"They say President Bush has started drinking again. Boy, he'll do anything to get Ted Kennedy's support for that Supreme Court nominee." --Jay Leno

"Ted Kennedy called for Rumsfeld's resignation. This is interesting. This marks the first time Kennedy has ever come out against anything with rum in it." --Conan O'Brien

"Congress is investigating steroids. It's kind of ironic, isn't it? Ted Kennedy asking somebody how their head got so big." --Jay Leno

"Apparently, some punk kids went nuts and tipped over Ted Kennedy" --David Letterman, on the New England Patriots' Super Bowl parade

~Compiled by Daniel Kurtzman