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2000-2004
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From The Daily Show:
"I was not elected to serve one party." —George W. Bush (video
overlay)
"You were not elected." —Jon Stewart
"I have something else to ask you, to ask every American. I ask you to pray
for this great nation." —Bush
"We're
way ahead of you." —Jon
Stewart
"While our long national nightmare is over, our new national nightmare is set to begin. George W. Bush is the president-elect, and that feeling in the pit of your stomach should go away once you take a look at how your tobacco and pharmaceutical stocks are doing this morning." —Jon Stewart
"It took his brother, his father, his father's friends, the Florida secretary of state, and the Supreme Court to pull it off. His entire life gives fresh meaning to the phrase 'assisted living'" —Garry Trudeau on George W. Bush, in an interview with the New Yorker
"Watch any of the hearings today? Today Sen. Ashcroft and Ted Kennedy went at it. Well sure, Ashcroft doesn't drink, he doesn't smoke, he doesn't fool around — all the things Kennedy stands for." —Jay Leno
"The other person suffering tonight has got to be Jeb...This is the national equivalent of electing Roger Clinton president." —Time magazine's Matt Cooper, during an inauguration weekend comedy show
"Due to a small but significant clause in the U.S. Constitution, I will be out of the office from January 21, 2001 until January 20, 2005." —Al Gore senior adviser Michael Feldman's message on his White House voicemail
"You can be Vice President in the most prosperous time in America, run against a dumb guy, get more votes and still lose." —The #2 item on David Letterman's list of the Top Ten Things We've Learned From The Clinton Years
"Let's just put it this way. I just put a down payment on a boat" — Saturday Night Live's Bush impersonator Will Ferrell, on plans to keep busy during the Bush administration
Bushism alert: "I want it to be said that the Bush administration was a results-oriented administration, because I believe the results of focusing our attention and energy on teaching children to read and having an education system that's responsive to the child and to the parents, as opposed to mired in a system that refuses to change, will make America what we want it to be — a more literate country and a hopefuller country." —George W. Bush, Jan. 2001
"It'll be hard to articulate." —George W. Bush, anticipating how he'll feel upon assuming the presidency
"On Saturday, amidst pomp and extenuating circumstance, (Bush) will be sworn in as leader of the free world ... The only non-traditional element in this inauguration is that the winner will be watching it from Carthage, Tennessee." —Daily Show host Jon Stewart
"The presidential inaugural committee announced today it's going to start selling Republican presidential souvenirs including George W. Bush commemorative shot glasses, key chains, travel mugs and license plates. Everything you need to drive drunk just like the president did." —Jay Leno
"USA Today has reported that the Bush-Cheney Inauguration could be the most expensive ever, though most of those expenses have been conveniently covered by corporate America … While no one is sure of the exact amount of the largest corporate donation, spokesman say the entire event will be called the 'Anheuser Busch-Cheney Inauguration Weekends Were Made for Michelob.'" —Jon Stewart
"I could never be the president. Think about it. I've abused cocaine, I've been arrested, I'm not a very smart guy. It's a big joke to think people would want someone like me just because his dad was president." —Charlie Sheen, asked on Saturday Night Live if he'd ever like the job his father has playing the president on West Wing
"You can be Vice President in the most prosperous time in America, run against a dumb guy, get more votes and still lose." —The #2 item on David Letterman's list of the Top Ten Things We've Learned From The Clinton Years
"He's a pretty straight guy, this Ashcroft. He doesn't drink, doesn't gamble, doesn't swear and doesn't even dance. See, that's why he was a Senator for only one term, he didn't fit in! ... Now they are expecting him to explain his honorary degree from Bob Jones University. Hey forget that, how about Bush explaining how he got degrees from Harvard and Yale?" —Jay Leno
"George W. Bush is scheduled to be sworn in on Saturday so — [some boos, then cheers] no, wait a minute, wait a minute — so time is really running out for Al Gore." —David Letterman
"Security for this inauguration will be the tightest of any Presidential Inauguration in history. What are they worried about? Why would anyone attempt something on George W.'s life? Either way Dick Cheney is going to be President." —Jay Leno
"Future First Lady Laura Bush will wear a red, scoop-neck embroidered Chantilly lace gown to next week's inaugural ball. It will take 3 women 100 hours to complete the gown. Coincidentally, all three women are former houseguests of Linda Chavez." —SNL Weekend Update anchor Tina Fey:
"Hillary Clinton met with incoming first lady Laura Bush. They had tea. Actually, Laura Bush does have something in common with Hillary Clinton. She also has no idea what her husband is doing in the Oval Office." —Jay Leno
"Watch any of the hearings today? Today Sen. Ashcroft and Ted Kennedy went at it. Well sure, Ashcroft doesn't drink, he doesn't smoke, he doesn't fool around — all the things Kennedy stands for." —Jay Leno
"Good luck, and the country would be better off if you were president." —Matt Damon, sharing his thoughts for Laura Bush, in Glamour.
"George W. Bush's other controversial appointment is Senator John Ashcroft. No one expects Ashcroft to have any personal indiscretions. He's a fundamentalist, doesn't believe in drinking, doesn't believe in smoking, doesn't believe in partying. The question is, how the hell did he meet George Bush." —Jay Leno
"Both houses of Congress have proclaimed George W. Bush the President-elect of the United States. I want to tell you, the longer this thing goes on, it looks more and more like he just could win this thing." —David Letterman
Bushism alert: "I do remain confident in Linda. She'll make a fine labor secretary. From what I've read in the press accounts, she's perfectly qualified." —George W. Bush, on Linda Chavez
"It's great to be here, if only to have a break from watching the daily press conference when George W. Bush announces Dick Cheney's cabinet selections." —Democratic Sen. John F. Kerry, at a reception
Bushism alert: "I am mindful of the difference between the executive branch and the legislative branch. I assured all four of these leaders that I know the difference, and that difference is they pass the laws and I execute them." —George W. Bush
"America is about to see some bold, new leadership from the state of Texas. Of course I'm talking about Eddie Bernice Johnson'' —Al Gore, speaking to the Congressional Black Caucus about its newly elected chairwoman, Texas Rep. Eddie Bernice Johnson
"Earlier this afternoon, George W. Bush resigned as the governor of Texas. This is historic. It's the first job he's left without going bankrupt. It was a nice ceremony. The state of Texas said while he's president, they'll let him stop by every once in a while and execute someone." —Jay Leno
"New Jersey Governor Christie Todd Whitman will be the head of the Environmental Protection Agency, which means that one day the entire country will be as clean as New Jersey." —Jay Leno
"President-Barely-Elect George W. Bush nominated defeated Missouri Senator John Ashcroft for Attorney General. Bush had high praise for him. He called him a, 'Major league Ashcroft.' Dick Cheney then said, 'Big time.'" —Jay Leno
Bushism alert: "I also have picked a secretary for Housing and Human Development. Mel Martinez from the state of Florida." —George W. Bush
"The Secret Service has announced that George W. Bush's code name is 'Tumbler.' Do you know what Dick Cheney's code name is? His is 'CLEAR!'" —Jay Leno
"Bush could have the first presidential library where it's all books on tape." —Jay Leno
"Listen to this, our president George W. Bush takes a vacation on an island off the coast of Florida with his family. They're walking along the beach and up out of the ocean washes 3,000 Gore ballots." —David Letterman
"Well if you're just waking up, the
election is over and we have a president, George W. Bush. This is nice, for
everyone who wondered what it would be like if Dan Quayle was president, well,
here you go." —David Letterman
"While our long national nightmare is over, our new national nightmare is set to begin. George W. Bush is the president-elect, and that feeling in the pit of your stomach should go away once you take a look at how your tobacco and pharmaceutical stocks are doing this morning." —Jon Stewart
"I was Christmas shopping on eBay and I bought Al Gore's lockbox — fifteen bucks!" —Jay Leno
"Now that the election is over, Bush is focusing on the holidays. He's now dropped the deer-in-the-headlights look for the more festive reindeer-in-the-headlights look." —Jay Leno
"I've been racking my brain about this 'healing a divided nation' stuff, and I think the fastest way to unify everybody is a war. I'm serious. A war is very togethering. People put aside their differences to fight a common enemy. But how do ya pick the right enemy? I asked Jim Baker the best way to go about looking, and he shook his head and said 'Simpleton.' But he's wrong. I don't think it's going to be easy at all." —from SatireWire's daily BushBlog
"Dick Cheney has been on TV everywhere. He's doing press conferences, he's setting up the transition team back in Washington...What's Bush doing? Bush is relaxing on the ranch. Which guy had the heart attack?" —Jay Leno
"The good news is the White House is now giving George W. Bush intelligence briefings... Some of these jokes actually write themselves." —David Letterman
"He's been very busy writing his inauguration speech. Putting a lot of time and effort into it. And I understand it's going to be a lengthy speech. Insiders say it's about, oh, 12 cocktail napkins long." —David Letterman
"He is the new president, although old
habits die hard. It's funny with Bush. Now whenever the Secret Service knocks on
the door, he keeps flushing stuff down the toilet." —Jay Leno
"Don't kid yourself. George W. Bush is very excited. He's already working on his first foreign-policy blunder." —David Letterman
"The first day was a busy day for George W. Bush. He spent the whole day at the mall Christmas shopping for five of the Supreme Court justices." —Jay Leno
"In Austin, former First Lady Barbara Bush seized the moment's poignancy, and after a teary heart-to-heart, George W. handed over his lucky lunchbox, and went president clothes shopping." —Daily Show e-mail
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