| War on Terror Jokes | ||||||||||
| Late-Night Jokes About the War on Terrorism | ||||||||||
"The FBI has issued a new terrorist warning that al Qadea may be planning a spectacular attack intended to damage our economy. Well I have news for them, they are a little too late. This is where President Bush is smart. Two years ago he did a pre-emptive strike to make sure our economy couldn't be any worse than it is right now." —Jay Leno "I'm not worried about things in the world because yesterday President Bush told reporters that he is monitoring the situation in North Korea, very carefully. In fact today the president spent the whole day watching reruns of M.A.S.H." —Conan O'Brien "Osama bin Laden has released a new audiotape praising recent terrorism attacks and proving he is still alive. But how alive is he? It's been 12 months since his last tape and, quite frankly, there's been no artistic development whatsoever." —Jon Stewart "These days it's good to know we still have friends in the Middle East, friends like Saudi Arabia. That's right where, may I remind you, four of the 19 September 11th hijackers were not from." —Jon Stewart "Al Qaeda has issued another threat to the U.S. saying we're not safe on land, at sea, or in the air. Well, Amtrak, Carnival Cruise Lines and United Airlines took care of that." —Jay Leno "Bush advisers have long been worried that a lagging economy could hamper the president's re-election chances. They hope that the Cabinet shake-up will provide a needed jolt. If that doesn't work, North Korea has to go." —Jon Stewart "I read something interesting today about President Bush. Did you know on his desk, in the Oval Office, he keeps a paper with the pictures of the most al Qaeda members on it and whenever we capture or kill one of them, he crosses them out? Clinton used to do the same thing with the Sports Illustrated swimsuit issue. Whenever he'd nail one of them, he'd put a line through them." —Jay Leno "Counter-terrorism experts say that Osama bin Laden may be hiding secret messages on pornographic websites. You know what that means, Clinton could find this guy before Bush." —Jay Leno "Terrorist mastermind Khalid Shaikh Mohammed has been arrested. He has been described as the CEO of al Qaeda. See, that's two things to be happy about. Not only did we arrest a high-ranking member of al Qaeda, we also get to torture a CEO." —Jay Leno "You know how we get this guy to talk? Remember all of that duct tape we've been hoarding? Apply it to his back hair and rip it off." —Jay Leno, on the capture of Khalid Shaikh Mohammed "The State Department believes that al Qaeda is being run by Osama bin Laden's son Saad. He's got like 100 kids and his son Saad is now running al Qaeda. He is trying to recruit young people to participate in al Qaeda. As a matter of fact, the third weekend in August they are planning their first annual Jihadapalooza." —David Letterman "One of these al Qaeda guys was actually raised in Brooklyn, New York. Can you believe that? Apparently, it was pretty easy though. The al Qaeda guys went to him and said if you martyr yourself you'll go to paradise where there's plenty of parking." —David Letterman "More warnings issued by all branches of the government today that another terrorist attack is imminent. We're not sure when, we're not sure where, just that it is coming. Who is attacking us now, the cable company?" —Jay Leno "Bush is in Germany. A hundred-thousand Germans are protesting because they don't like the idea of the U.S. expanding the war. Here's how it works, the Germans don't like any war that they don't start." —David Letterman "With guys, they get 72 virgins when they die. But what do the women get? Seventy-two guys willing to discuss relationships and look through the J. Crew catalogue with you?" —Comedian Colin Quinn on the phenomenon of female suicide bombers "Saudi Arabia Prince Abdullah is visiting President Bush at his Texas ranch. After that, like many other Saudis, he'll go enroll at a U.S. flight school." —David Letterman "Today the 20th hijacker, Zacharisa Moussaui called for the death of America in the courtroom. The INS was so mad that they're threatening to revoke his student visa. Keep it up, and you'll lose your pilot's license, pal." —Jay Leno "We can't find him, but he's a 6-foot-5 Arab on dialysis. Call me crazy, but look for a guy connected to his luggage." —Robin Williams, on Osama bin Laden "The Statue of Liberty is no longer saying, 'Give me your poor, your tired, your huddled masses.' She's got a baseball bat and she's yelling, 'You want a piece of me?'" —Robin Williams, on the September 11 attacks "My only hope is when those terrorists get to heaven, they meet up with the kind of virgins we had in Catholic school: Sister Mike Ditka from Our Mother of Eternal Retribution." —Robin Williams "Scientists in the United States Army have developed sandwiches that remain edible for three years. That's worth fighting for, now isn't it? The jihad is offering their guys 72 virgins, we give three-year-old sandwiches." —Jay Leno "According to a new report from Afghanistan, the hottest music over there right now is Disco. So, we've achieved a compromise here. We brought them out of the 13th Century, but only took them up to 1978." —Jay Leno "A newspaper in London has received an e-mail from Osama bin Laden. It’s odd to get an e-mail from Osama bin Laden because when you turn on the computer it says, "You’ve got Jihad!" —David Letterman "Vice President Cheney continues his whirlwind 11-nation middle eastern tour designed to bring America's anti-terror message to the region. That message: Help us fight terror or ...Is that oil?" —Daily Show host John Stewart "Today President Bush has clarified his world view saying 'You're either with us or you're with the terrorists. Or you're with the terrorists but you have oil [graphic shows Kuwait]. Or you're with us but you hate us [graphic shows Egypt]. Or you're with us, but you fund all the terrorism in the world [graphic shows Saudi Arabia]. Or you're a hundred percent with the terrorists accept for one little guy in charge [graphic shows Pakistan]. Or you're with us but you can't really help us [graphic shows Iceland]. Or you're with the terrorists with each other and against us even though you really hate each other [graphic shows Iraq and Iran]." —Tina Fey on Saturday Night Live's "Weekend Update" "After what they say was an exhaustive investigation, the Defense Minister of France said today that Osama bin Laden is either still in hiding in Afghanistan, he may have escaped to Pakistan, or he may be dead. Hey, France, thanks a lot. We'll take it from here. Hard to believe they were invaded twice." —Jay Leno "Here's a story that has a lot of people in government upset. It seems the major tobacco companies have been smuggling billions and billions of cigarettes into Iraq. Where is their patriotism? They're supposed to be killing Americans with those cigarettes!" —Jay Leno "On Thursday, a senior U.S. official said that the CIA released a formerly-classified document warning that Afghanistan might descend into civil war. Boy, you want to keep that one a secret. I'd hate to shatter people's illusions about the utopian wonderland that is Afghanistan." —Dennis Miller "The big rumor going around is, we may begin bombing Iraq. Or, as the White House calls it, Operation Keep Enron Off The Front Page." —Jay Leno "Some human rights groups are complaining that the al Qaeda detainees in Guantanamo Bay are being treated inhumanly. Oh please! They're in the Caribbean in January, okay. You add some goats and sheep to the place they'd think it was Temptation Island." —Jay Leno "Today more al Qaeda and Taliban prisoners were flown to Quantanomo Bay in Cuba. On the plane they are bound, they are sedated, they are chained to their chairs. Or, as Continental calls it, coach." —Jay Leno "The American troops were going through the caves over there in Afghanistan and its unbelievable. They found fax machines, they found copiers, they found computers. I'm telling you, they found so much loot in these caves that it looked like Winona Ryder's place." —David Letterman "One thing we learned, bombing works. ... We've flown over 2,800 sorties, dropped 15 tons in warheads, and done $39 in damage. But we're a compassionate nation ... and when this is all over, we're going to put the rocks and dirt back." —Comedian Al Franken "I know he's willing to die for his cause, but is he willing to take a hot poker up the ass?" —Comedian Al Franken, on why we should torture terrorist suspects "News from Afghanistan. The Northern Alliance is now saying they know exactly where Mullah Omar is. And what that means of course is that they have no idea where he is. ... If you're keeping score this is the fourth location where Mullah Omar announced he'll be fighting to the death." —David Letterman "Even though bin Laden is said to have fled to Pakistan more than a week ago, U.S. officials said they will continue to bomb Afghanistan as long as Geraldo is there." —Jay Leno "Geraldo said on the news the other day that a sniper took a shot at him — it went right by his head. You've got to be a bad sniper to miss Geraldo's head." —Jay Leno "Geraldo Rivera is over there in Afghanistan reporting for us every single night. He says he has video of a sniper firing a shot just an inch above his head. Today the American government sent him something to help him out — a pair of elevator shoes." —Jay Leno "Rivera says he is carrying a gun while reporting in Afghanistan. Rivera says he needs the weapon in the event he is attacked by his own crew." —Jimmy Fallon on Saturday Night Live's "Weekend Update" "An interim government has been set up in Afghanistan which includes two women, one of whom will be Minister of Women's Affairs. Man, who'd she have to show her ankles to to get that job?" —Tina Fey on Saturday Night Live's "Weekend Update" "The latest report is that Mullah Omar's own troops may try to kill him now. Well, duh. I guess they figure that with that $25 million reward, they can get all the virgins they want." —Jay Leno "According to the New York Daily News, Geraldo said he is now carrying a gun, and he will personally shoot Osama bin Laden if he finds him. If Osama also has a gun, this could work out okay." —Jay Leno "Our Marines have now established a base inside Afghanistan. They're setting up machine gun placements and digging trenches around the perimeter of the base — not to fight the Taliban, to keep out Geraldo." —Jay Leno "French troops arrived in Afghanistan last week, and not a minute too soon. The French are acting as advisers to the Taliban, to teach them how to surrender properly." —Jay Leno "I'll tell you who has the hardest job over there: our Air Force pilots. These guys have to make incredibly hard split second decisions every day. Say they're flying over Afghanistan and they see bin Laden over here, then they see Geraldo Rivera over there, and they only have one bomb? What do they do?!" —Jay Leno "Do you like watching the Super Bowl commercials? My favorite was the 'We're the Axis of Evil' spot produced by Iran, Iraq and North Korea ... How about that powerful anti-drug commercial paid for by the U.S. government. Very powerful message. It ran right between the seventh and eighth Budweiser commercial." —David Letterman "Here's the Olympic medal total so far. Free world: 168 medals. Axis of Evil: 0." —David Letterman "There's no authority in Afghanistan right now. All these different ethnic groups — people are in the streets armed and shooting guns. So, it's just like L.A., except without the traffic." —Jay Leno "President Bush has authorized the drop of 15,000-pound bombs on Afghanistan. I believe that is the heaviest ordered drop by a president since ... well, Monica." —David Letterman "Finally, this week the French soldiers have showed up in Afghanistan. Figures – just like the French to show up after the hard work has been done." —Jay Leno "In a dramatic turn of events, forces of the Northern Alliance took control of the Afghan cities of Mazar-e-Sharif, Kabul, Kunduz and Herat. By next week, the Pentagon expects the Taliban to have lost control of Jalalabad, Kandahar, and their own bowels." —Tina Fey on Saturday Night Live's "Weekend Update" "With the Taliban gone, music has returned to Afghanistan. Kenny G is back in the elevators....The men are allowed to cut their hair and shave again. Osama bin Laden has shaved his head too. He's trying to play himself off as Ben Kingsley on a promotional tour for 'Sexy Beast'...People in Afghanistan are digging up their TV's, because before they weren't allowed to watch television. And all over Afghanistan they're saying 'Oh, Leno is guest hosting for Carson'" —David Letterman "It looks like we are going to have to set up a new government in Afghanistan, which is not going to be easy. After our last election, look how long it took us to set up our own government." —Jay Leno "The rumor is that Geraldo Rivera is already in Afghanistan. We don't have any actual proof that he is there, but the Afghan people look a little more irritated and annoyed than usual. So he might be on the ground." —Jay Leno "In Afghanistan this week, outnumbered Northern Alliance rebels on horseback defeated Taliban forces armed with tanks. Experts say the victory is just like the story of David and Goliath and David's friend, the Stealth Bomber." —Tina Fey on Saturday Night Live's "Weekend Update" "Wayne Newton has officially replaced Bob Hope as the head of the USO celebrity tour and will depart November 12 to entertain troops overseas. Army generals say the biggest threat to Newton when he arrives in Afghanistan is friendly fire. When told Newton would be performing, American soldiers called it, 'our biggest setback so far'" —Jimmy Fallon on "Weekend Update" "Geraldo Rivera is headed for Afghanistan. Boy, you thought those people hated us before." —Jay Leno "The big question now is who will take power in Afghanistan once the Taliban is defeated. I was thinking, how about Al Gore? He's not doing anything, he needs a job, and he's already got the beard." —Jay Leno "In Pakistan anti-American protestors set a Kentucky Fried Chicken restaurant on fire. The protestors mistaken-thought they were attacking high-ranking U.S. military official Colonel Sanders." —Jimmy Fallon on Saturday Night Live's "Weekend Update" "Word from Afghanistan is that the Northern Alliance is making progress. If you don't know what the Northern Alliance is, that's our allies who we will be fighting next year." —David Letterman ~Compiled by Daniel Kurtzman Related
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