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George W. Bush's First 100 Days In Office January
20: Take oath to uphold the honor and dignity of the office of President of the
United States. Nudge Rehnquist, ask what he's wearing under that dress.
January 23: Award Presidential
Medal of Freedom to Ralph Nader.
January 24: Help Alec Baldwin
pack.
January 30: Memo to Jeb: in
your face, Poindexter!
January 31: Get people working
on stuff.
February 3: Bring Democrats and
Republicans together.
February 4: Bring peanut butter
and chocolate together.
February 5: Unite North, South
Dakota; North, South Carolina; New, Old Mexico.
February 7: Get loaded, fail to
name designated driver, don't tell anyone for 25 years, usher in an era of
personal responsibility.
February 9: Change pitch and
tone of Washington to something that will only annoy dogs.
February 12: Replace
Affirmative Action with Affirmative Access. Replace Medicare with Medicool.
Replace Department of Transportation with Department of Fantabulation.
February 18: Offer Jeb
important cabinet position, possibly Secretary of My Asshole.
February 20: Invite NRA
executives into Oval Office to write legislation, play Madden NFL 2001.
March 1-March 31: Halftime!
April 1: Plant flowers in Rose
Garden: daisies?
April 7: Give younger workers
the opportunity to responsibly invest a portion of their payroll taxes in eBay
bids.
April 9: Open up Yellowstone
National Park, the Appalachian Trail and Chappaqua, NY for oil exploration.
April 12: State dinner for
Emperor Akihito of Japan. Do "Samurai Dry Cleaner" sketch.
April 15: Replace soft bigotry
of low expectations with hard nougat of candy.
April 18: Try Oval Office
fellatio (once or twice; what's the harm?).
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