California's Letter of Secession
Dear President Bush:
Congratulations on your victory over all us non-evangelicals. Actually, we're a
bit ticked off here in California, so we're leaving you. California will now be its own country. And we're taking all the Blue States
with us. In case you are not aware, that includes Hawaii,
Oregon, Washington, Minnesota, Wisconsin, Michigan, Illinois, all of the North
East States, and the urban half of Ohio.
We spoke to God, and she agrees that this split will be beneficial to almost
everybody, and especially to us in the new country of
California. In fact, God is so excited about it, she's going to shift the whole
country at 4:30 pm EST this Friday. Therefore, please let
everyone know they need to be back in their states by then. God is going to give
us the Pacific Ocean and Hollywood. In addi! tion, we're getting San Diego.
(Sorry, that's just how it goes.) But God is letting you have the KKK and
country music (except the Dixie Chicks).
Just so we're clear, the country of California will be pro-choice, pro-gay
marriage, and anti-war. Speaking of war, we're going to need all Blue States
citizens back from Iraq. If you need people to fight in Falujah, just ask your
evangelical voters. They have tons of kids they're willing to send to their
deaths for absolutely no purpose. And they don't care if you don't show pictures
of their kids' caskets coming home.
So, you get Texas and all the former slave states, and we get the Governator and
stem cell research. (We would love you to take Britney Spears off our hands,
though. She IS from the south, right?)
Since we get New York, you'll have to come up with your own late night TV shows
because we get MTV, Letterman, the Daily Show, and Conan O'Brien. You get...
well, w! hy don't you ask your people at Fox News to come up with something
entertaining? (Maybe you should just watch Crossfire. That's a really funny
We wish you all the best in the next four years and we hope, really hope, you
find those missing weapons of mass destruction. Seriously. Soon.
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