Dear Blue States:
Well, imagine our relief that youve decided to secede and form some sort of
bathing-optional commune headquartered in California. The money we'll save in
aspirin, now that we wont have headaches from listening to your interminable
whining, will be worth it to us alone.
We'll finally be rid of you lazy, moping, latte-sucking Streisand fans now that
you're actually going to follow through--for once--on your promise to finally
get off your butts and leave, as so many of you claimed you would every election
cycle and then chickened out of actually doing. (Yeah, were looking at you,
But not so fast. You dont get to take all the Blue States with you--just the
We hate to break it to you, but your Blue States arent actually
"blue." Mostly, theyre states full of Red counties with pockets of
Blue urban blight in them, who vote Democratic in such numbers that if the same
results came out of a Third World countrywhich, come to think of it, many of
the "Blue" counties pretty much arewed think it was fraud and
send some election observers from the UN.
Even California is pretty much a Red State: Bush won 35 out of 58 counties,
while Kerry won LA and San Francisco. You want 'em? we certainly wont fight
you for them but you're going to have to found New California without 35 of your
most beautiful counties and your second-largest city. Sorry about that.
Nationally, Bush won over 2.5 million square miles of U.S. counties (and an
extra three and a half million votes, but we won't rub that in.) Kerry won less
than 600,000 square miles--meaning that in most states he was popular downtown
and pretty much nowhere else. In other words, your guy won the places that
people like him would get shot if he walked through them at night. Our guy won
every place else.
So, the bottom line is that you don't get the Blue States. Those states have
lots of towns and counties that would rather blow their dams and flood
themselves out of existence rather than go with you. No, instead, you get the
we really feel we owe you full disclosure on this exchange. This
might come as an unpleasant surprise, but you dont actually get the lower
divorce and single-motherhood rates and all that other good stuff you think
you're going to snag. Those are the conditions that are actually found out in
the Red countiesnot in the Blue cities, and you can't have them.
Instead you get the urban single moms, not the soccer moms; the drug addicts,
not the doctors; the waiters, not the chefs. You get the fine service you've
come to expect from the brutal and corrupt inner-city police departments. You
get the abysmal literacy rates and schools that are more dangerous than most
prisons. All in all, you get to take with you a public sector in most cities so
unmanageable they make Mogadishu seem like a tidily run little municipality by
You get the labor union shakedown artists, "teachers" who cant pass
tests in their own subject, and city government leaders for whom graft, racial
spoils systems, and outright theft are a way of life. Theyre all very
enthusiastic Blue voters, as you know, and were sure theyll stampede their
way to New California to start draining your wallets, wrecking your schools, and
in general making a mess of your lives.
(And don't come complaining back to us when socialist central planning does for
New California what it did for garden spots like East Berlin and Pyongyang.
We're putting a strict visa system into place once you all go.)
We, on the other hand, get those Red city suburbs and rural districts. You know,
the ones with the good schools, the high property values, the quiet streets and
the sheriffs and cops who dont need to walk around armored up like theyre
about to storm the Sunni Triangle.
Oh and dont concern yourself with our agricultural capacity after all, they
don't call it "the breadbasket" for nothin'. Well keep right on
producing the vast majority of wheat, corn, oats, rye, potatoes, soybeans, beef,
chicken and pork.
Weve always preferred a nice, unpretentious, frosty mug of brew anyway and
hey, maybe you can make a salad with those pineapples, stem cells, and lettuce.
And don't even think about keeping the National Parks, the wide open spaces, all
those water resources, and all the rest of America's natural splendor, since
those are all pretty much located in Red counties.
Hell, we even get most of Oregon and Washington ...aint it ironic? You get
the urban liberals in Portland and Seattle and their friends in important social
organizations (like, say, drug-running street gangs) and we get the rest of the
Ok by us; wed be fools not to take you up on it.
Heres how it will work; all of you Blue whiners, please feel free to look at
a map of the electoral results county by county in each state, and take the
people with you whove made it clear theyd like to go.
That means you get places like downtown Pittsburgh and Philadelphia, and we get
to keep the rest of beautiful Pennsylvania, thanks.
You get to administer bloated public services to the violent, drug-addled,
gunslinging populations of delightful inner-city sinkholes of poverty and
corruption such as Miami, St. Louis,Atlanta and the ever-popular District of
Columbia--which has been governed by liberals (and the occasional crackhead) for
so long and so incompetently that any semblance of order has broken down (beyond
the carefully guarded borders of your Georgetown bistros, natch) to the point
where even the mayor once asked the President to have the city patrolled by
Lucky you, it's all yours--enjoy it in good health, and dont forget to wear
your Kevlar...Blue "voters" up there in Northeast DC tend to be jumpy
on the ol' trigger finger.
In fact, all around our great nation, you get to keep all the Blue voters
whove made urban war zones like downtown Detroit--a Blue bastion, of
course--the proud showplaces they are today.
We get the rest of Blue states like Michigan and Wisconsin and Illinois
and...well, frankly, just about every state in the Union with the exception of
Hawaii and New England--and even there, well just hang on to a couple of
chunks of New Hampshire and Connecticut.
Youre especially more than welcome to Rhode Island, which will immediately
set up some sort of money-laundering scheme and bilk the rest of you once it has
been incorporated into whatever sort of muddle-headed utopia youre trying to
The former mayor of Providence should be out of Federal prison in time to join
your Politburo and help you get things set up--for a small consulting fee, of
If you would please, take another look at the list
of best beaches and notice what color states they are
in. We'll miss the Hawaiian beaches, but since long stretches of coastline from
New Jersey down to Florida and yes, even in Southern California (including San
Diego, thanks) are actually in Red counties, we'll be fine.
Sure, we get the rednecks and holy rollers. But since you're apparently willing
to trade them for the gangs and psychopaths terrorizing your Blue cities, what
can we say? You want the Crips and the Bloods in low riders raking your streets
with automatic gunfire, and you're offering us Bubba heading off to church in
Hey, a deal's a deal. Done.
True, you also get Manhattan, but darn the luck, you have to take the rest of
the city, including the Bronx, Queens, and Brooklyn too, as well as Long Island,
which is enough to almost make us feel sorry for you all out there in New
For our part, well take most of the rest of gorgeous New York State, although
you get the scam artists who infest the legislature in Albany.
And since for some unfathomable reason you actually want Elliot Spitzer, well
buy his plane ticket as a gesture of goodwill.
So thats the deal. You get the cities, with all the crime, crack mommies, and
corruption you can stand.
And sure, you get many of the elite colleges too, with the professors who think
that terrorists in Fallujah are freedom fighters and that the people who worked
in the Twin Towers on 9/11 were no better than Nazisforgive us for not
lamenting over this loss.
We get the suburbs, the countryside, and all the other beautiful places that
remain unspoiled by liberal hypocrisy and addle-brained social experimentation.
And we'd like a favor, too: please keep your sky-high tax and crime rates, since
we're happy to have the corporations and jobs that continue to flee your Blue
cities into our Red counties. It's much appreciated, since our unemployment
rates, to say nothing of our crime, single-parenting, and illiteracy rates, are
far lower than yours.
Oh, and one last thing. We get the U.S. military, too. Did we mention that part?
(You may have forgotten that they're volunteers, and most are happy Red state
Not to worry, though, since were sure that Islamic fundamentalist terrorists
will be more than happy to reach an accommodation with a society that embraces
radical feminism, gay marriage, gun control, hostility to organized religion of
any kind, and Salman Rushdie. Good luck with that.
But one day when some misogynist Saudi freak--who no doubt will sneak into your
country by strolling over the northern border after a few years sucking on the
Canadian welfare system you all admire so much--blows up a couple kilos of
plutonium on Sunset Boulevard, go send Sean Penn to ask the French for help.
Well be busy that day.
The Red States
PS: You can keep the marijuana. You're going to need it, since selling it is one
of the last stable industries left in Blue counties.
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