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French Military History in a Nutshell Gallic Wars: Lost. In a war whose ending foreshadows the next 2000 years of French history, France is conquered by of all things, an Italian. Hundred Years War: Mostly lost, saved at last by a female schizophrenic who inadvertently creates The First Rule of French Warfare - "France's armies are victorious only when not led by a Frenchmen." Italian Wars: Lost. France becomes the first and only country ever to lose two wars when fighting Italians. Wars of Religion: France goes 0-5-4 against the Huguenots. Thirty Years' War: France is technically not a participant, but manages to get invaded anyway. Claims a tie on the basis that eventually the other participants started ignoring her. War of Devolution: Tied; Frenchmen take to wearing red flowerpots as chapeaux. The Dutch War: Tied. War of the Augsburg League/King William's War/French and Indian War: Lost, but claimed as a tie. Deluded Frogophiles the world over label the period as the height of French Military Power. War of the Spanish Succession: Lost. The War also gave the French their first taste of a Marlborough, which they have loved ever since. American Revolution: In a move that will become quite familiar to future Americans, France claims a win even though the English colonists saw far more action. This is later known as "de Gaulle Syndrome", and leads to the Second Rule of French Warfare: "France only wins when America does most of the fighting". French Revolution: Won, primarily due to the fact that the opponent was also French. The Napoleonic Wars: Lost. Temporary victories (remember the First Rule!) due to leadership of a Corsican, who ended up being no match for a British footwear designer. The Franco-Prussian War: Lost. Germany first plays the role of drunk Frat boy to France's ugly girl home alone on a Saturday night. WWI: Tied and on the way to losing, France is saved by the United States. Thousands of French women find out what it's like not only to sleep with a winner, but one who doesn't call her "Fraulein." Sadly, widespread use of condoms by American forces forestalls any improvement in the French bloodline. WWII: Lost. Conquered French liberated by the United States and Britain just as they finish learning the Horst Wessel Song. War in Indochina: Lost. French forces plead sickness, take to bed with Dien Bien Flu. Algerian Rebellion: Lost. Loss marks the first defeat of a Western army by a Non-Turkic Muslim force since the Crusades, and produces the First Rule of Muslim Warfare -"We can always beat the French." This rule is identical to the First Rules of the Italians, Russians, Germans, English, Dutch, Spanish, Vietnamese, and Eskimos. War on Terrorism: France, keeping in mind its recent history, surrenders to Germans and Muslims just to be safe. |
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