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God and the Environmentalists
IN THE BEGINNING, GOD CREATED HEAVEN AND
EARTH...
He was then faced with a class action lawsuit
for failing to file an environmental impact statement from HEPA (Heavenly
Environmental Protection Agency), an angelically staffed agency dedicated to
keeping the universe pollution free.
God was granted a temporary permit for the heavenly portion of the project, but
was issued a cease and desist order on the earthly portion of the project,
pending further investigation by HEPA. Upon completion of His construction
permit and environmental impact statement, God appeared before HEPA council to
answer some questions. When asked why He began these projects in the first
place, He simply replied that He liked to be creative. This was not considered
an adequate reason and He was required to substantiate this further.
HEPA was unable to see any practical use for earth anyway, since "the earth
was void and empty and darkness was on the face of the deep." Then God
said, "Let there be Light."
He should never have brought up this point, since one member of the Council was
active in the Sierrangel Club and immediately protested, asking how the Light
was to be made. Would there be strip mining? Air Pollution? God explained that
the Light would come from a huge ball of fire.
Nobody on the council really understood this, but it was provisionally accepted,
assuming 1) that there would be no smog or smoke resulting from the burning; 2)
a separate burning permit would be required; and 3) since continuous light would
be a waste of energy, it should be dark half of the time. So God agreed to
divide the Light and the Darkness and He would call the Light Day and the
Darkness Night. (The Council expressed no interest in in-house semantics.)
When asked how the earth would be covered, God said, "Let there be
firmament made amidst the waters; and let it divide the waters from the
waters." One ecologically radical Council member accused Him of double
talk, but the Council tabled action since God would have to first file for a
permit from the ABLM (Angelic Bureau of Land Management) and further would be
required to
obtain water permits from the appropriate agencies involved.
The council asked if there would only be water and firmament, and God said,
"Let the earth bring forth the green herb, and such as may seed, and the
fruit tree yielding after its own kind, which may have seen itself upon the
earth." The Council agreed as long as native seed would be used. About
future development God also said, "Let the waters bring forth the creeping
creature having life, and the fowl that may fly over the earth." Here
again, the Council took no formal action since this would require approval of
the Fish and Game Commission coordinated with the Heavenly Wildlife Federation
and the Audobonangelic Society.
It then appeared the everything was in order until God stated that He wanted to
complete the project in six days. At this time He was advised by the Council
that his timing was was completely out of the question...HEPA would require a
minimum of 180 days to review the application and environmental impact
statement, and then there would be public hearings. It would take 10 to 12
months before a permit would be granted.
God said, "To Hell with it!"
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