|Who Wants to Be a President?|
The presidential race moves to a game show format, right in time for November sweeps. Come watch as George W. Bush and Al Gore sit down with Regis Philbin and burn up their lifelines.
By Daniel Kurtzman
Regis: Our first contestant tonight is George W. Bush. He's the son of a former president and currently serves as the governor of Texas. Before that he was president of the Delta Kappa Epsilon fraternity at Yale. Are you ready to play?
George W. Bush (Dubya): Let's do it.
Regis: Our first question: What color is the White House? A) black, B) orange, C) mauve or D) white?
Dubya: Oh, I know this, Regis. It's white.
Regis: You're absolutely right! You're now a member of Congress! Next question: Who was Ronald Reagan's vice president? A) Walter Mondale, B) Al Gore, C) Dan Quayle or D) George Bush?
Dubya: I know this one too. It's C, Dan Quayle.
Regis: Feel confident about that?
Dubya: Well, I know it's not D 'cause it wasn't me.
Regis: Remember, you have all of your lifelines available.
Dubya: That's true. Maybe I'll ask my staff -- I mean the audience. See if these fine voters can help me out.
Regis: OK, we'll ask the audience ... and 100 percent say George Bush.
Dubya: Oh, you mean Dad. I knew that. That's a good answer -- George Bush.
Regis: Yeah, you got it! You're now a committee chairman! Here comes the next question: Who stands to benefit the most from your proposed $1.6 trillion tax cut? A) the rich, B) the very rich, C) the obscenely rich or D) the Democratic presidential nominee?
Dubya: That's an easy one, Regis -- the obscenely rich. We worked together to come up with this one. We think it's a real winner.
Regis: Is that your final answer?
Dubya: Final answer.
Regis: Right again! You're now a powerful lobbyist! Moving on, which one of the following people is a leader of a foreign country? A) Jiang Zemin, B) Jesus, C) John McCain or D) Ken Starr?
Dubya: [Testily] I see what's going on here -- another one of these Pop-Tarts on foreigners. Well, I'm not gonna play gotcha this time. Gonna take the high horse and use a lifeguard. Like to call Dad. He follows this stuff.
Regis: We'll get him on the line ... Hello, President Bush? This is Regis Philbin.
George H.W. Bush: How's my boy doing?
Regis: Well, right now he needs your help.
Dubya: Dad, which one of these guys leads a foreign country: Jiang Zemin, Jesus, John McCain or Kenny Starr?
Bush Sr.: We went over all the foreign leaders. Don't you remember?
Dubya: Yeah, but I wasn't sure if I'd test positive. There's a lot at stake here, what with all that stuff you've been saying about your leprosy ...
Bush Sr.: Legacy, son. The answer is Jiang Zemin. Chinese. Believe I may have even thrown up on him. Can't remember.
Dubya: Thanks, Poppy.
Bush Sr.: Sure, son. But you don't have to run everything by me. Remember, what a leader's got to do is, he's got to lead.
Dubya: Got it. OK, Regis, I'll go with this Jiang fellow.
Regis: Correct! You're now an ambassador! Moving on: In the event of a threatened Russian nuclear attack, would it be best to: A) call Vladimir Putin, B) call Dad, C) ask Scotty for more power to the deflector shields or D) just nuke 'em?
Dubya: That's a tough one. Can I go 50-50 on this?
Regis: No problem, we'll just take away two of the wrong answers ... and we're left with A) call Vladimir Putin and D) just nuke 'em.
Dubya: I don't know if I have an answer to that. I wish I could just wave a wand. But my heart says A, so I'll go with that.
Regis: So that's a guess?
Dubya: Of course. 'Cause that's what a president's got to do. He's got to guess.
Regis: It's a good one! You're now the secretary of defense! And you're just one question away from winning the presidency, with no lifelines left. Here we go: Who is first in the line of succession to become president? A) the vice president, B) the speaker of the House, C) Jesus, or D) the president's eldest son.
Regis: You're sure about that?
Dubya: Definitely. Believe it even says so in the Constellation.
Regis: [Dramatic pause, long sigh] I'm sorry, the answer is the vice president. But you've been a great candidate.
Dubya: [Peeved] Wait a second, you can't give me the boot. Didn't I pay for this microphone? You major-league
Regis: Sorry, your time is up, but let's hear it for the new secretary of defense! [Wild applause]