Derision 2000: Dubya and Al on the Issues

To help voters in their deliberations, here's a quick-reference guide to the presidential candidates' positions on all the pressing issues of the day. If you've been wondering about Bush's favored method of execution or what else Gore plans to put in his lockbox, you've come to the right place.

By Daniel Kurtzman

Technological Innovations
Gore: Invented the Internet.
Bush: Invented the following words: "subliminable," "tacular," "analyzation," "Kosovians" and "Grecians."

Foreign Affairs
Gore: Is keeping his mouth shut about Clinton's.
Bush: Thinks Steven Spielberg is the prime minister of Israel.

Death Penalty
Bush: Plans to retrofit West Wing to accommodate on-site gas chamber.
Gore: Wants to put inmates in a lockbox while he studies the issue further.

Literacy
Gore: Author of best-selling book, Earth in the Balance.
Bush: Still "hooked on phonics."

Debates
Gore: Willing to sigh anytime, any place.
Bush: Favored debating Gore in special game show format with use of lifelines, as presented here.

Religion
Bush: Was born again at age 40.
Gore: Was boring again at age 40.

Violent Video Games
Gore: Invented the technology but regrets the use to which it's been put.
Bush: Just bought Texas Death Chamber 2000 for his Sony Play Station.

Campaign Financing
Bush: Set all-time spending record after Dad upped his allowance.
Gore: Keeping all questionably raised funds in a lockbox.

Environment
Gore: Unabashed tree hugger.
Bush: A spotted owl in every pot, an off-shore oil rig in every swimming pool

Prescription Drugs
Gore: Feeds his dog and mother-in-law the same prescription medication.
Bush: Apparently has no use for Viagra, as evidenced in this video.

Illegal Drugs
Gore: Smoked dope after he got back from Vietnam; even inhaled.
Bush: Snorted coke prior to being born again, began abusing substance again in campaign stump speeches.

Buddhist Monks
Gore: Shakes them down for cash.
Bush: Would have paraded them onstage at Republican convention, but his other robed and hooded constituency would have demanded equal time.

Taxes
Gore: Wants to use your tax dollars to fund pet Earth-balancing project.
Bush: Offering cold cash for votes. The wealthier you are, the more he's willing to pay you.

Jesus
Gore: Often asks himself "WWJD?" – What would Jesus do?
Bush: Often asks Jesus "WDDID" – What drugs did I do?

Pardon for President Clinton
Gore: Will delay decision until after he chisels him out on Mt. Rushmore.
Bush: Favors lethal injection.

Guns
Bush: Will let the NRA work out of Oval Office.
Gore: Fully supports the right of hunters to shoot for sport at NRA conferences.

Adam Clymer
Bush: Major-league asshole.
Gore: Not playing Bush-league ball.

Subliminal Messages
Bush: "RATS"
Gore: "FRATS"