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If Al Gore loses, what will he do?
Probably retreat to his farm in Tennessee, hunker down and a write another manifesto. Working title: Bill's Balls in the Balance: How Clinton Screwed Monica, Then Me.
If Bush loses, what will he do?
Probably retreat to the governor's mansion in Austin, hunker down and play video golf for the remainder of his term. Then try to figure out how to attain his dream job — Commissioner of Baseball — without using the presidency as a stepping stone.
If Ralph Nader loses the election, what will he do?
Probably head to New York to begin convincing baseball fans there's no real difference between the New York Yankees and the New York Mets.
I'm a single-issue voter and my issue is political comedy. I want to vote for the candidate who will provide the most comic relief over the next four years. Who should I back?
Well, according to our polling, George W. Bush is your man. The majority of respondents said that Bush would provide comedians with the best material over the next four years. Check out the results of this poll, or you can read comedian Will Durst's analysis of the presidential "Guffaw Factor."
The opinion polls are jumping all over the place. Who's going to win this thing?
The race really is too close to call. Although national polls show George W. Bush with a small lead, we might see one candidate win the popular vote, but flunk the Electoral College.
I've heard of the Electoral College. Isn't that a special place where people go to learn how to vote?
No, but it should be. It's actually a system the framers of the Constitution devised to keep the ignorant masses from making corrupt, dumb or ill-advised electoral decisions on their own. It may seem antiquated, but in fairness, the framers could not have foreseen a day when a highly sophisticated and discerning electorate could rely on up-to-the-minute, hard-hitting and insightful political analysis from Regis, Oprah, Leno and Letterman to guide their decision-making.
© 2000 Daniel Kurtzman
