| Electoral Dysfunction |
By Daniel Kurtzman
Dateline: 11/08/00
|
Austin, We Have a Problem
"This race is tight like a too-small bathing suit on a too-long ride home from the beach."
A race "hot enough to peel house paint."
A Bush lead "shakier than cafeteria Jell-O."
"It's cardiac-arrest time in this presidential campaign."
Those were just a few Dan Ratherisms from election night describing the closest and most tumultuous presidential race in U.S. history.
In first projecting Gore as the eventual winner, then calling it for Bush, then finally dubbing it too close to call, we witnessed the most spectacular media botch since the infamous "Dewey Defeats Truman" gaffe.
The confusion prompted Gore to concede defeat, only to call Texas Gov. George Bush an hour later to retract his concession. Apparently that irritated the would-be president-elect because Gore said, "You don't have to get snippy about it."
Now we're looking at the very real prospect of George W. Bush winning the presidency after having been rejected by the American public. While that would not mark a first in American presidential history, this would: Bush would be the first president with a known arrest record to take the oath of office. In any event, there are already some rumblings about staging a "counter-coup" and appeals for a re-vote.
The whole thing may now come down to voters in Palm Beach, Florida, home to many Jews and others who said they accidentally cast their votes for Pitchfork Pat Buchanan, a man who once expressed admiration for Hitler. See the controversial ballot here.
Keep on top of all the latest returns and ridicule in our "Daily Feeding Frenzy."
Late-Night Comedy Count
The election is over and the final late-night comedy count is in. Bush led the way with 521 jokes at his expense from the likes of Leno, Letterman, O'Brien and Stewart. Gore trailed with 377. Bush was the clear favorite punch line early in the campaign, but Gore staged a late rally in October to close the gap. Still, neither candidate proved a match for President Clinton, who is still the reigning butt of all jokes with 617. For more on the rising influence of the late-night comics in electoral politics, click here.
Voter Turnout
We're happy to report that Dick Cheney voted this year, marking a dramatic break from previous elections. Prior to Tuesday, Cheney had not voted in 14 of the last 16 elections in Texas — including Bush's presidential primary race.
Although Cheney currently lives in Texas, he had to change his voting registration to Wyoming this year. The reason: The Constitution prohibits two inhabitants of the same state from running on the same presidential ticket. A small matter which Cheney rectified a week before Bush tapped him to be his veep.
South Park Creators Await Election Results
South Park creators Matt Stone and Trey Parker are among those anxiously awaiting the outcome of the U.S. presidential election. Comedy Central has signed them to produce a new subversive comedy series about the life of the next president, featuring live actors. The show, called Family First, is scheduled to debut on Feb. 28.
The Also-Rans
Ralph Nader, Pat Buchanan, John Hagelin and Harry Browne weren't the only third-party losers in this year's presidential race. There were a total of 249 people running for president this year, all striving to win a mandate from the people. Among them: The head of the National Barking Spider Resurgence Party and a candidate running for sole purpose of restoring Pete Rose to Major League Baseball.
A consolation to this year's also-rans: The 2004 presidential election is only 1460 days away.
