| The Electile Dysfunction 2000 Quiz |
•
What
was really said between Gore and Bush on election night?
• Which
Bush relative helped a TV network make its Florida call?
• What's
the deal with that Band-Aid on Bush's cheek?
By Daniel Kurtzman
1)
Which one of the following things did Dan
Rather not say on election night?
a)
"This
race is shakier than cafeteria Jell-o."
b)
"If
a frog had side pockets, he'd carry a hand gun."
c)
"This
race is tight like a too-small bathing suit on a too-long ride home from the
beach."
d)
"These
returns are running like a squirrel in a cage."
e)
"This
race is as tight as a gun-toting frog at the beach running around in
Jell-o."
a)
An
infected boil
b)
His
smirk
c)
A punch
hole
d)
A
hemorrhoid
e)
A
conspiracy
3) Under New Mexico law, if Bush and Gore end up tied, they must draw straws, play a hand of five-card stud poker, or draw a high card to determine a winner.
a)
True
b) False
4) The controversial "Butterfly
Ballot" in Palm Beach County was confusing because
a)
The
arrow for each candidate only pointed to one hole
c) The correct answer is b.
b)
The
correct answer is c.
d) It looked nothing like a bingo card.
e) If the hole doesn't fit, it's not
legit.
5)
Which one of the following things was NOT said during the phone
conversation
between Al Gore
and George W. Bush on election night?
a)
"You
mean to tell me, Mr. Vice President, you're retracting your concession?"
b)
"Let
me explain something, your YOUNGER brother is not the ultimate authority on
this.''
c)
"Well,
Mr. Vice President, you do what you have to do."
d)
"You
don't have to get snippy about it."
e)
"I
am so going to have you executed when I'm president."
6)
Elderly Jewish voters in Florida were particularly distraught that their votes
were accidentally cast for Pat
Buchanan because
b)
He
doesn't much like Jews.
c)
A vote
for Lieberman turned into a vote for Ezola Foster.
7) The director
of the "decision team" at Fox News – the first network to declare
Bush the winner of Florida on election night – is Bush's first
cousin.
b)
False
8) Which one of the following things is not alleged
to have happened in Florida during the election?
a)
An
obscure Socialist candidate initially picked up 10,000 votes in a precinct
with only 600 voters
b)
Sheriff's
deputies were dispatched to search for an election worker who left a ballot
collection area with two uninspected bags.
9) The media botched its election "calls" in Florida twice
because
b)
It
failed to take into account the important work being done on the ground in
Florida to steal the election.
10) Why was the Electoral College created?
a)
Because
the game of Craps had not yet been invented.
b)
As a
safeguard to protect the Republic against corrupt elections.
c)
Because
a vote is a terrible things to waste.
d)
Because
it seemed every bit as good an idea as slavery at the time.
e)
To
protect the sovereignty of Bushes to steal elections.
11) Which of the following is not a term used to describe the tiny
pieces of paper that cling to punched ballots?
b)
Swinging
door chad
c)
Dimpled
chad
d)
Pregnant chad
e)
Swallowed chad
12) In the absence of a legitimately elected president, who will assume
the office on Inauguration Day?
a)
George
W. Bush
b)
George
Bush Sr.
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