| The Electile Dysfunction 2000 Quiz |
How closely have you been following the election follies?
• What was really said between Gore and Bush on election night?
• Which Bush relative helped a TV network make its Florida call?
• What's the deal with that Band-Aid on Bush's cheek?
By Daniel Kurtzman
1) Which one of the following things did Dan Rather not say on election night?
a) "This race is shakier than cafeteria Jell-o."
b) "If a frog had side pockets, he'd carry a hand gun."
c) "This race is tight like a too-small bathing suit on a too-long ride home from the beach."
d) "These returns are running like a squirrel in a cage."
e) "This race is as tight as a gun-toting frog at the beach running around in Jell-o."
2) George W. Bush made appearances last week sporting a large Band-Aid on his cheek. What was he trying to cover up?
a) An infected boil
b) His smirk
c) A punch hole
d) A hemorrhoid
e) A conspiracy
3) Under New Mexico law, if Bush and Gore end up tied, they must draw straws, play a hand of five-card stud poker, or draw a high card to determine a winner.
a)True
b) False
4) The controversial "Butterfly Ballot" in Palm Beach County was confusing because
a) The arrow for each candidate only pointed to one hole.
c) The correct answer is b.
b) The correct answer is c.
d) It looked nothing like a bingo card.
e) If the hole doesn't fit, it's not legit.
5) Which one of the following things was NOT said during the phone conversation between Al Gore and George W. Bush on election night?
a) "You mean to tell me, Mr. Vice President, you're retracting your concession?"
b) "Let me explain something, your YOUNGER brother is not the ultimate authority on this.''
c) "Well, Mr. Vice President, you do what you have to do."
d) "You don't have to get snippy about it."
e) "I am so going to have you executed when I'm president."
6) Elderly Jewish voters in Florida were particularly distraught that their votes were accidentally cast for Pat Buchanan because
a) He's a big fan of Hitler.
b) He doesn't much like Jews.
c) A vote for Lieberman turned into a vote for Ezola Foster.
d) They are now in danger of being completely governed by Bushes.
e) All of the above.
7) The director of the "decision team" at Fox News - the first network to declare Bush the winner of Florida on election night - is Bush's first cousin.
a) True
b) False
8) Which one of the following things is not alleged to have happened in Florida during the election?
a) An obscure Socialist candidate initially picked up 10,000 votes in a precinct with only 600 voters.
b) Sheriff's deputies were dispatched to search for an election worker who left a ballot collection area with two uninspected bags.
c) One poll worker walked into a polling station on the morning after the election with a bag full of ballots he claimed had been left in his car the previous night.
d) County workers found a ballot bag in their vault without a seal, another with a broken seal and a third on a shelf with ballots spilling out.
e) Thousands of votes for Bush mysteriously disappeared when a strike team dispatched by Gov. Jeb Bush accidentally grabbed the wrong bag.
9) The media botched its election "calls" in Florida twice because
a) The exit polling had a margin of error of +/- 2 Presidents-elect.
b) It failed to take into account the important work being done on the ground in Florida to steal the election.
c) It failed to use a lifeline.
d) Dan Rather was on a roll and they wanted to see what else he might say.
e) All of the above.
10) Why was the Electoral College created?
a) Because the game of Craps had not yet been invented.
b) As a safeguard to protect the Republic against corrupt elections.
c) Because a vote is a terrible things to waste.
d) Because it seemed every bit as good an idea as slavery at the time.
e) To protect the sovereignty of Bushes to steal elections.
11) Which of the following is not a term used to describe the tiny pieces of paper that cling to punched ballots?
a) Hanging door chad
b) Swinging door chad
c) Dimpled chad
d) Pregnant chad
e) Swallowed chad
12) In the absence of a legitimately elected president, who will assume the office on Inauguration Day?
a) George W. Bush
b) George Bush Sr.
c) Jeb Bush
d) Barbara Bush
e) Both a) and b)
Related Links
• Florida Recount Humor
• Florida Recount Cartoons
• More Political Quizzes
