Theater of the Absurd

By Daniel Kurtzman

Daily Feeding Frenzy • Today's Headlines • Today's Political Cartoons and Multimedia • Today's Quips   Related Resources • Election 2000 Links • Late-Night Comedy Links • Audio/Video Gallery • Political Quotations • Newsroom • News Spoofs • Columnists • Top Ten Lists • Jokes • The Poll Vault From Other Guides • Vote Out Loud: Election 2000 Coverage from About • John Aravosis Covers U.S. Politics Elsewhere on the Web • Election Chaos Cartoons • Comedy Central's Indecision 2000 • The Daily Show • The Onion • Modern Humorist • Capitol Steps • Late-Night Video Highlights • Leno Monologue • Letterman Monologue • Maher Monologue • Daily Show Headlines About.com Poll Bush says he's ready to begin measuring drapes in the Oval Office. What say you? The Fat Lady has sung. Bush won. All hail Boy George. Don't bet the trailer money yet. Gore got more. He'll make Bush eat chad in the end. I hear Vancouver is nice. Current Results More Polls

It keeps getting weirder and weirder. George W. Bush, who's beginning to look more and more like Mini-Me every day, declares himself president but won't quit his day job. Al Gore declares he'll be president if Americans will just be patient while he hand counts every vote himself.

Meanwhile, both campaigns have been engaging in a war of attrition as they seek to project presidential images. When Bush gave his TV address on Sunday, he had two flags behind him. When Gore gave an address the next day, he had six. And when Dick Cheney made a speech the same day, he had 14.

Perhaps most absurd is the notion of how easily the roles in the election standoff could be reversed. In fact, right now in WitCity.com's parallel universe, Bush continues to insist that Americans want an accurate count, while Gore goes about the business of measuring drapes in the Oval Office.

Where will it end? No one knows. But if the suspense is killing you, take a look at this breaking news exclusive from Bob's Fridge Door.

Cheney's Achey Breaky Heart

Vice President Lynne Cheney?

If the wife of the would-be vice president were writing the script for the next four years, that just might become a reality.

Mrs. Cheney is the author of a book called "The Body Politic," in which a fictional vice president dies in office of a heart attack at the age of 59. His scheming, ambitious wife helps the White House engage in a cover-up of his death and assumes the office herself, becoming the first female vice president.

As we know, Dick Cheney recently suffered his fourth heart attack — at age 59. This happened as a new paperback edition of his wife's novel began arriving in bookstores. Curiously, the last time the book was in stores, in 1988, Cheney suffered his third heart attack.

Political Quips

The late-night comics have been mercilessly harping on Florida. Since election day, about 90 percent of the jokes told by Leno, Letterman, O'Brien and Maher have focused on Florida and the election madness — 175 jokes in all. George W. Bush was the butt of 77 jokes and Bush was mocked 29 times, according to the Center for Media and Public Affairs.

Some of the latest zingers:  

"O.J. Simpson is in the news. He said he voted in Miami. Finally a voter down there we know can stab through a piece of paper." —Jay Leno

"The good news is the White House is now giving George W. Bush intelligence briefings... Some of these jokes actually write themselves." —David Letterman

"This election has thrown everything I know to be dear and true into chaos. For instance, I thought that I officially lost my virginity back in '81. But it turns out now...I only dimpled the chad." —Daily Show host Jon Stewart, appearing on the Late Show with David Letterman

"Last night Vice President Al Gore addressed the nation. A lot of folks in Palm Beach, Fla. missed it because they couldn't find the right channel on their remotes." —Jay Leno  

"How many of you saw George W. Bush last night on television? George was unveiling his new presidential 'deer in the headlights' look. George said the outcome was clear. Yeah, it's about as clear as a Robert Downey Jr. urine test." —David Letterman

"George W. Bush is going to put vice presidential hopeful Dick Cheney in charge of the transition. Oh yeah, let's put this guy under more pressure." —David Letterman

"Katherine Harris is in the middle of her 15 minutes of fame. Here's stage one of the 15 minutes of fame: Public ridicule. Stage two: The beauty makeover. Stage three: Posing nude for Playboy. Stage four: Becoming Mrs. Larry King." —David Letterman

Read more political quips

Latest 'Toons

Political cartoonists continue to revel in Florida's follies. Check out these great new collections from the Professional Cartoonists Index, featuring the work of all the top editorial cartoonists.

World Views of Our Election Mess
Electile Dysfunction
Recount!
Turkey of An Election
May the Chad Be With You!
In Katherine We Trust?
Votergate!
UnPresidented

Check out more political cartoons

Crass Commercialism

It isn't just the lawyers and the media that are reaping profits from the nation's electoral dysfunction. Jokesters have been trying to turn a fast buck as well, hawking everything from baffling ballot paraphernalia to a full line of Sore-Loserman products. Give the gift of political derision this holiday season by browsing through the gag gifts and souvenirs featured in the Political Humor virtual shopping mall.