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The Year's Funniest Quotes

"I'm not going to fire a $2 million missile at a $10 empty tent and hit a camel in the butt." —President Bush

"I'm here to give you permission to laugh. If you don't, I'll have you arrested." —New York Mayor Rudy Giuliani, opening the World Trade Center charity benefit at Carnegie Hall

"It makes me sound like a tabloid talk show host goes to war. It's so unfair." —Geraldo Rivera, on criticism over his gun-carrying ways

"GARY CONDIT! Come out with your pants up!" —a protester yelling into a megaphone outside Congressman Gary Condit's Modesto office

"For a man who seemingly spends so little time with his pants on, Congressman Gary Condit has a remarkably well-developed instinct for covering his ass." —Hotline columnist Susan Semeleer

"I have said that I'm not running and I'm having a great time being pres — being a first-term senator." —Hillary Clinton, commenting on whether she has presidential ambitions

"I'm told it's already an energy efficient device." —Vice President Dick Cheney, joking about his new pacemaker

"It is white." —President Bush, asked by a child in Britain what the White House was like

"I asked him the most important question that I think you could ask — if he had ever seen 'Caddyshack.'" —Jesse Ventura on meeting with the Dalai Lama

"Bush named his cat India so we are naming dogs George Bush." —Shankar Gaikar, activist of the Hindu nationalist Bajrang Dal group in India, which had been protesting the cat's name

"We'd pass her in the hall and Brad would say 'Heyyy, Jenna, wanna beer? I got one in the truck.'" —Jennifer Aniston, on teasing Jenna Bush, who worked this summer at the management agency she and Brad Pitt own

"We all need to take a deep breath and think about being a Bush daughter and having that cross to bear. I'd go out and have a couple of drinks too." —Julia Roberts, on the Bush twins

"You know you win some, you lose some, and then there's that little-known third category." —Al Gore, summing up the 2000 election

"They elected the symbol of ebonics to the presidency of this nation. There ain't no brother in Oakland, or anywhere else, that would run the phrase or mix up the words the way this cat does. It raises serious questions about whether he's really white." —San Francisco Mayor Willie Brown

"All of them." -98-year-old Sen. Strom Thurmond, asked how many inaugurations he'd attended

"Even when he dies, we better make sure the coffin's nailed shut." —Historian Douglas Brinkley, on Bill Clinton

"To those of you who received honors, awards and distinctions, I say, well done. And to the 'C' students, I say: you too can be president." —George W. Bush, accepting an honorary doctorate from his alma mater Yale University

"I may be the only mother in America who knows exactly what their child is up to all the time." —Barbara Bush, on her son, George W.

"(Yogi Berra's) been an inspiration to me — not only because of his baseball skills but, of course, for the enduring mark he left on the English language. Some of the press corps even think he might be my speechwriter." —George W. Bush, hosting baseball Hall of Famers at the White House

"A hobby I enjoy is mapping the human genome. I hope one day I can clone another Dick Cheney. Then I won't have to do anything." —George W. Bush, at the Gridiron dinner

"Those stories about my intellectual capacity do get under my skin. You know for a while I even thought my staff believed it. There on my schedule first thing every morning it said, 'Intelligence briefing.'" —George W. Bush, at the Gridiron dinner

"In my sentences I go where no man has gone before." —George W. Bush, at the Radio & TV Correspondents Dinner

"It is a very complicated economic point I was making there. Believe me, what this country needs is taller pie." —George W. Bush, explaining what he meant when he said "We ought to make the pie higher"

"Last night was a very special evening at the White House. And I'm pleased to say that none of the silverware is missing." —Dick Cheney, on the Republican Governor's Association White House dinner

"I am Al Gore, and I used to be the next president of the United States of America." —Gore, in a speech at Bocconi University in Milan, Italy

"Vice president of the government in exile." —Sen. Joe Lieberman, describing himself during an appearance in South Florida

"Everyone thinks that we are going to make him look like a boob. ... He is going to do that fine on his own. We're not out to skewer a president. We're out to do something very, very subversive and actually make you like this guy." —Trey Parker, co-creator of Comedy Central's That's My Bush!, on plans for portraying President Bush

"I have to confess, it was hard for me to concentrate in the conversation with Condoleezza Rice, because she has such nice legs." —Israeli Prime Minister Ariel Sharon, on his first meeting with Rice

"Jesse Jackson needs to recount his children" —a sign seen at Bush's inauguration

"It would have been 'Wow,' but the W was removed so now it's just O." —Bush Press Secretary Ari Fleischer, explaining his reaction to the missing W keys on computer keyboards around the White House, a prank pulled by outgoing Clinton staffers

"I could never be the president. Think about it. I've abused cocaine, I've been arrested, I'm not a very smart guy. It's a big joke to think people would want someone like me just because his dad was president." —Charlie Sheen, asked on Saturday Night Live if he'd ever like the job his father has playing the president on West Wing

"George W. Bush is clearly the best thing to happen to political humorists since — well, since Bill Clinton." —Daniel Kurtzman, reporter-turned political humorist for the Web site About.com (quoted in Time magazine)

The Year's Best Late-Night Jokes

"Did you hear about this genius that got on a plane and set fire to his feet? Turns out he had bombs in his shoes and the problem all started when the flight attendants asked him nicely to extinguish his feet. He was wearing exploding sneakers. The new Nike Air-Jihads!" —David Letterman

"The latest report is that Osama bin Laden has shaved his beard, is wearing Western clothes and has had plastic surgery. Isn't that amazing? The guy has made just two videos and he's already gone Hollywood." —Jay Leno

"Here's some news from Afghanistan. We're sending more troops to seal up the borders. Can we try that here? Three months, 12,000 pounds of bombs and billions and billions of dollars and the highest ranking enemy we've captured so far is an American." —David Letterman

"Even though bin Laden is said to have fled to Pakistan more than a week ago, U.S. officials said they will continue to bomb Afghanistan as long as Geraldo is there." —Jay Leno

"According to the New York Daily News, Geraldo said he is now carrying a gun, and he will personally shoot Osama bin Laden if he finds him. If Osama also has a gun, this could work out okay." —Jay Leno

"More bad news for the Taliban. Remember how they are promised 72 virgins when they die? Turns out that it's only one 72-year-old virgin." —Jay Leno

"Did you see President Bush throw out the first pitch at the World Series? The White House said it was a strike. The Taliban said it missed and killed several innocent people." —David Letterman

"President Bush has announced twice last week he does not have anthrax. Remember the good old days when the only thing we worried about the president catching was herpes." —Jay Leno

"Don't kid yourself, that email isn't safe either. I turned on AOL today and that guy came on and said 'Welcome, you've got anthrax.'" —David Letterman

"CBS News finally received anthrax in the mail. As usual, we're number three." —David Letterman

"Everybody is talking about finding bin Laden. How about finding Dick Cheney? Where did he go? What have we got caves over here now, too? Where did he go? I think his Secret Service code name is 'Waldo.'" —Jay Leno

"Vice President Dick Cheney is currently out in South Dakota on a three-day hunting trip. What better place for a man who has had four heart attacks than to be carrying a big gun and a backpack through the snow looking for red meat." —Jay Leno

"Bin Laden was once targeted by President Clinton. President Clinton wanted to kill him but couldn't get him. Of course not, we all know what kind of aim Clinton has." —Jay Leno

"It's a tough time to do humor, but it's not the only tough time. There have been other tough stretches in comedy. Remember a couple of years ago when President Clinton stopped dating for a couple of weeks?" —Jay Leno

"You know how, whenever there is trouble in New York and you can always count on people getting together and helping in the spirit of cooperation? I'll give you an example of what I am talking about. When I come to work every day, right out in front of the Ed Sullivan theater, there's a guy who sits outside who gives me the finger. Today, he gave me the finger and a hug." —David Letterman

"The $10 million Clinton is getting for his book beats the old record of $8.5 million paid to the Pope. How do you think this makes the Pope feel? The man dedicates his life to the 10 Commandments, he gets 8.5. Clinton breaks every one of them, he gets 10." —Jay Leno

"President Bush said he backed limited federal funding for stem cell research. That's right, the President said, and this is a quote, 'The research could help cure brain diseases like Alzheimer's, Parkinson's, and whatever it is I have.'" —Conan O'Brien

"Washington D.C. police have said Gary Condit is no longer the focus of the investigation. When Condit heard that he said to himself, 'Well hey, maybe I didn't do it.'" —David Letterman

"Experts say Condit's political base is disappearing. He must be dating them." —David Letterman

"As you watch the Gary Condit interview, three words come to mind: stiff, unbending and impenetrable. And that's just his hair." —David Letterman

"President Clinton once told me I'm the luckiest politician in the world because I can say anything and get away with it." —Gov. Jesse Ventura, on the "Tonight Show"
"Yeah, but he can do anything and get away with it." —Jay Leno

"Here's your tax dollars at work. We are supposed to be conserving energy. The navy is now being asked to pay the electric bill for Vice President Dick Cheney's house in Washington. They are asking us, the taxpayers, to pay the bill. You now how much it is? It is $186,000 a year! How many times are they shocking him back to life? There are two people that live in the house! What, are he and Bush electrocuting guys in the basement now?" —Jay Leno

"President Bush admitted today that he is a friend of the electrical industry. He said, 'I owe them a lot and if it wasn't for the electrical college, I wouldn't be president.'" —Jay Leno

"President George W. Bush acted just like an adult today as he arrived in Brussels and addressed a conference of NATO officials on the validity of a proposed missile shield. The pitch was met with serious skepticism since it is well known that Bush can't even prevent his own daughters from getting bombed." —Craig Kilborn

"The Bush girls have been in so much trouble that today they announced that they were switching their party affiliation to the Kennedy family." —David Letterman

"Vanity Fair magazine reports that former President Clinton and Al Gore haven't spoken to each other since George W. Bush's inauguration. Not only that, Bill and his wife, Hillary, haven't spoken since Richard Nixon's inauguration." —Conan O'Brien

"Here in California, the utility companies have promised to give us two hours notice before we are left completely without power. It's the same deal Senator Jeffords gave the Republicans." —Jay Leno

"Senator Jeffords says the reason he's leaving the Republican party, he's just fed up with George Bush and the tax cut and he's also fed up with his environmental policy. But the big reason, he says the Democrats offered to let him get in on some of that hot intern action." —David Letterman

"There have been rumors swirling around Florida that Florida Gov. Jeb Bush had been cheating on his wife. But he says no, that's not true, technically he wasn't cheating, they only had dimpled sex. That's when it doesn't go all the way." —Jay Leno

"On Monday, President Bush will reach his 100th day in office. It's a big milestone for him, surpassed all expectations. In fact, so has Dick Cheney. Cheney was only supposed to make it to day 73." —Jay Leno

"According to the latest poll in the Washington Post, 63 percent of Americans said that so far they approve of President Bush. Not surprisingly, the other 37 percent are English teachers." —Conan O'Brien

"Coming up Monday is the 100th day of the George Bush administration. I want to tell you now, things are starting to look very, very dark for the Al Gore campaign. Very, very bleak." —David Letterman

"It's kind of ironic. He always wanted to distance himself from Bill Clinton. Now that he's out of politics and overweight, he is Bill Clinton." —Jay Leno, on Al Gore

"George Bush's approval rating has dropped from 60% to 53%. It doesn't seem like that much because it is like 7%, but this is the kind of thing that panics people in power. I am thinking to myself, 'What this guy needs is a sex scandal.'" —David Letterman

"Hillary Clinton announced she has no intentions of ever, ever running for president of the United States. Her husband, Bill Clinton, is crushed. There go his dreams of becoming a two-impeachment family." —David Letterman

"Sources say President Bush has sought counsel from his father during the ongoing spy plane standoff with China. George Senior told his son that when it comes to dealing with Asian nations, you have to meet personally with the country's leaders and vomit on them." —Tina Fey, on Saturday Night Live's "Weekend Update"

"You never see Bush in the Oval Office. He's always playing golf, or he's riding a horse in Texas, or he's playing tennis. You know? I can't tell if he's president or filming a feminine hygiene commercial." —Jay Leno

"Vice President returns from hospital — doctors say he will be up and using the military to protect the oil interests of his millionaire friends in no time." — Daily Show host Jon Stewart

"Bill Clinton is back flying commercial. And this trip to Europe did not go well. Here is what happened: About 3 hours into the flight during the meal service, his intern kept hitting her head on the tray table." —David Letterman

"Clinton is crazy. When he moved out, you know, I mean, he — honest to God — they just, he took everything he hadn't nailed." —David Letterman

"Wednesday Bill and Hillary Clinton returned some $28,000 worth of furniture that they took with them when they left the White House. The ex-president stressed that the dollar amount was actually much lower as many of the items were 'stained.'" —Jimmy Fallon, on SNL's "Weekend Update"

"They say now that Clinton is stealing the spotlight from George Bush. I'm thinking 'Well, sure. He also stole the coffee maker, the fax machine, the computer..." —David Letterman

"President Clinton was featured in a foreign documentary. He was nominated for an Academy Award. Did you hear this? I believe it is called 'Crouching Intern, Stolen Sofa.'" —David Letterman

"Roger Clinton was arrested for driving under the influence. Apparently, he was weaving and went off the road up onto somebody's lawn. Police wouldn't say what his blood alcohol level was but they did say it was somewhere between a Kennedy and a Yeltsin. Of course, being a typical Clinton, today he blamed the whole thing on a vast right-curb conspiracy." —Jay Leno

"The Pentagon announced that U.S. and British planes had struck Iraqi air defense sites south of Baghdad. Defense officials say the president wanted to send a clear message to the Iraqi government that he knows exactly where Iraq is." —Tina Fey, on Saturday Night Live's "Weekend Update"

"George W. said he doesn't watch television. And, of course, well — the reason for that is the Clintons stole the White House satellite system." —David Letterman

"Today, (Ariel) Sharon got a congratulatory phone call from President Bush, and Ehud Barak got a phone call from former President Bill Clinton who said, 'Take the furniture.'" —David Letterman, on Israel's election

"George W. Bush celebrated one month as president of the United States. Let me tell you something, things are starting to look pretty bleak for Al Gore." —David Letterman

"Today George W. Bush went to Florida. It is the first time that he has been there since the election, and he thanked all of the Florida voters for being so stupid." —David Letterman

"Hillary said today that she knew nothing about her brother's involvement (in Clinton's pardons). I believe her. This woman didn't even know who her husband was having sex with. How is she going to know what her brother is doing? Six months ago, she just suddenly found out she lived in New York!" —Jay Leno

"Apparently Clinton and Gore had a very mean little fight after Gore lost the election, and they blamed each other. Clinton blamed Gore for not running on the administration's record and Gore blamed Clinton for his integrity issues, which Clinton apparently really still does not understand because his last words to Al Gore were, 'Hey, give me a hand with this couch.'" —Bill Maher

"Yesterday the Secret Service caught a former IRS employee outside the White House after he fired three shots from a gun. That is right, the man was immediately arrested and given a job at the post office. ... The Secret Service said that the last weirdo who came that close to the White House before being stopped was Al Gore."  —Conan O'Brien

"When that crazy gunman started firing shots at the White House, the press spokesman said that Bush was working out in the gym while Vice President Dick Cheney was hard at work at his desk. See, now that the election's over, they're not even trying to hide who's really running the country anymore." —Jay Leno

"It gives new meaning to affirmative action. She said, 'Do you want some action?' He said, 'Affirmative.'" —Jay Leno, on Jesse Jackson's extramarital affair 

"Here's the worst part about this whole thing. During the impeachment trial, Jesse Jackson was Bill Clinton's spiritual adviser. In fact, that's where Bill and Monica got that cigar. Jesse was passing them out: 'Here you go! It's a girl! It's a girl!" —Jay Leno

"Bush is smart. I don't think that Bush will ever be impeached, 'cause unlike Clinton, Reagan, or even his father, George W. is immune from scandal. Because, if George W. testifies that he had no idea what was going on, wouldn't you believe him?" —Jay Leno

"Al Gore has found a new job. He is going to teach journalism at Columbia University, which is ironic isn't it? The guy who did all the coke winds up going to the White House, the guy who didn't do coke goes to Columbia." —Jay Leno

"Hillary Clinton is the junior senator from the great state of New York. When they swore her in, she used the Clinton family Bible. You know, the one with only seven commandments." —David Letterman

"The Secret Service has announced that George W. Bush's code name is 'Tumbler.' Do you know what Dick Cheney's code name is? His is 'CLEAR!'" —Jay Leno

"George W. Bush is scheduled to be sworn in on Saturday so — [some boos, then cheers] no, wait a minute, wait a minute — so time is really running out for Al Gore." —David Letterman

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