| The Real Winners & Losers of 2000 |
As a final tribute to an election year that was as bizarre as it was endless, here's one last salute to the best and worst of 2000. Unlike the outcome of the presidential race, these winners and losers are not in dispute.
By Daniel Kurtzman
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Most glaring example of the need for new education
standards:
During the campaign, George W. Bush's Web site stated that
the No. 3 priority of the campaign was "Putting Education First."
Most scarring campaign
imagery: Being confronted with Al Gore's
sexuality. It was bad enough that Tipper felt the need to tell us her husband
likes to sleep in the nude, let alone having to watch them go at it on national
television. By the time Rolling Stone came out with a cover photo of Gore
hinting at his national
endowment (an executive-size bulge in his crotch area allegedly had to be
airbrushed out), the damage to the national psyche was complete.
Most likely to hyperventilate without oxygen:
Dan Rather took the art of hyperbole to a new level on election
night with a string of
inventive metaphorical flourishes. A sampling: "Shakier than cafeteria Jell-o"; "hotter
than a Laredo parking lot"; "more nervous than a long-tailed cat in a
roomful of rockers"; and "tight like a too-small bathing suit on a
too-long ride home from the beach."
Best political comedy moment:
Saturday
Night Live's parody of the first presidential debate. Darrell Hammond,
impersonating Gore, sighed loudly, blabbed on about the lockbox and made
repeated interjections such as: "Jim I'd like to interrupt here and answer
that question as if it were my turn to speak" and "Jim, can I make two
closings statements?"
Worst political comedy moment:
Asked by David Letterman to explain what it means when he says he's "a
uniter, not a divider," George W. Bush said: "It means when it comes
time to sew up your chest cavity, we use stitches as opposed to opening it
up." The reference to Letterman's recent heart surgery actually drew boos
from the audience.
Most animated presidential endorsement:
During the trademark
chalkboard gag at
the beginning of the Nov. 5 episode of the The
Simpsons, Bart
wrote: "I will not plant subliminal messagores."
Most unfortunate Bush campaign moment:
Mispronouncing
subliminal as "subliminable" four consecutive times during an exchange with
reporters.
Most unfortunate Gore campaign moment: Preparing for the second presidential debate by watching Saturday Night Live's spoof of the first debate. After appearing heavily sedated and putting in a lackluster performance, Gore joked, "I put all my sighs in a lockbox.”
Most fatal attraction: Turns
out Lynne Cheney began plotting an executive coup years ago. In her book, The
Body Politic, a fictional vice president dies in office of a heart
attack at the age of 59. His scheming wife helps the White House engage in a
cover-up of his death and ends up assuming the office herself. Dick Cheney, 59,
recently suffered his fourth heart attack — just
as the new paperback edition of his wife's novel began arriving in bookstores.
Curiously, the last time the book was in stores, in 1988, Cheney suffered his
third heart attack.
Worst
cover-up: The Band-Aid George W. Bush
sported after
breaking out in boils on election night.
Worst election coverage:
In the race between NBC, CBS, ABC, CNN, MSNBC and FOX, it's simply too close to
call.
Best election coverage: The
Daily Show with Jon Stewart, which dubbed its election coverage "Indecision
2000" at the outset of the 2000 campaign. "We had no idea the
people were going to run with that," Stewart said.
Best off-color aside: "There's Adam Clymer,
major
league asshole from The New York Times" —George W. Bush
Best rejoinder: "At least I didn’t trade
Sammy Sosa" —Adam Clymer, writing in the New York Times about the
smart-aleck answer he thought of giving in response, referring to Bush’s own
major-league experience as owner of the Texas Rangers.
Best prank: On Halloween, reporters covering
the Bush campaign greeted the candidate with Bush masks and wearing baseball
jerseys with the words "Major
League A's'' emblazoned on the front and "Big Time'' on the back.
