| 2001 Dubious Achievement Awards | |||
| Post-Apocalyptic Edition | |||
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By Daniel Kurtzman They told us irony was dead. We feared we'd never laugh again. But then along came Jerry Falwell, Geraldo Rivera, "Evil Bert," and John Walker to open the comic floodgates. In recognition of some of the more memorable feats of stupidity, logic-defying behavior, and other bizarre antics inspired by the events of Sept. 11, we proudly present the Dubious Achievement Awards for 2001. The irradiated envelopes, please: Worst semester abroad program: Johnny "Jihad" Walker, the American Taliban fighter whose quest for spiritual enlightenment ended in a dank prison basement in Afghanistan, clearly picked the wrong cause at the wrong time. It's unclear what fate awaits him, but former President George H. W. Bush offered this possibility: "Make him leave his hair the way it is and his face as dirty as it is, and let him go wandering around this country and see what kind of sympathy he would get." Now there's a reality TV show that might actually be worth watching. Call it "Survivor: America." Best impersonation of an insane fundamentalist cleric: Rev. Jerry Falwell didn't waste any time pointing the finger of blame following the terrorist attacks. The founder of the "Moral Majority" said homosexuals, abortionists, pagans, the ACLU, and People for the American Way bore responsibility for what had happened because they had irritated God. It's not clear what role the Teletubbies may have played, but it's a safe bet that John Aschcroft detained them for questioning. Strangest anthrax scare: After receiving a yellow envelope in the mail with no return address label, a Nevada man contacted authorities, who immediately quarantined the package in a biohazard barrel. An examination of its contents later revealed a pair of black thong panties and a sexually suggestive letter from an anonymous admirer. Worst revival: The washed-up rock band "Anthrax," whose star of mediocrity peaked years ago, received a big boost from the bio-terrorism scare. While grateful for the publicity, one band member admitted to hoarding Cipro so as to avoid "an ironic death."
Most unlikely jihadist: It's not clear how a muppet got all the way from Sesame Street to the streets of Bangladesh, but there was Bert, making a peculiar cameo at an anti-American protest. Supporters of Osama bin Laden were seen carrying signs that featured a bizarre image of a menacing-looking Bert standing beside the terrorist leader. The photo is one of many "Evil Bert" images floating around the Internet, a popular parody in which Bert is pictured cavorting with evildoers the world over. No one could quite figure out what Islamic extremists would want with Bert, but it's safe to say your jihad is not going well when you need to resort to recruiting muppets to your cause.
Best tips from "Mohammad Stewart's Living": U.S. forces discovered a handbook in a house abandoned by Al Qaeda terrorists containing detailed instructions to help terrorists operate undercover in the West. It advised the agents on such varied topics as traveling with a false passport, how to scout out targets, and the proper way to apply deodorant (on the body, rather than on clothing). It stressed the difference between perfume and after-shave, and fragrances for men and women. "If you will use the female perfume so you will be in big trouble," the handbook warned.
Best upshot to terrorism fears: "Terror sex" became all the rage in Manhattan following 9/11, with many of the city's residents turning to each other for solace. As it turned out, former President Clinton moved to town just in time to help feel the excess pain.
Best cannon fodder: Geraldo Rivera provided some much-needed comic relief when he traipsed off to Afghanistan to cover the war with his gun in tow. His best on-air moment came when he said he had choked up after walking the "hallowed ground" where three American soldiers had been accidentally killed in a U.S. bombing raid. One problem with the story: Rivera was hundreds of miles away. Lowest profile in courage: Reuters editors admonished reporters to avoid using the term "terrorist" in their stories. Their reasoning: one man's "terrorist" is another man's "freedom fighter." We'll refrain from passing any value judgments about the news agency, since one man's birdcage liner could be another man's most trusted news source. Best weapons of mass delusion: Shortly after Kabul fell, journalists discovered documents left behind by fleeing Al Qaeda terrorists that appeared to contain detailed instructions for building a nuclear bomb. But on closer inspection, it turned out that many of the documents were based on a parody that has been circulating on the Internet for years called "How to Build an Atom Bomb." The instructions included such helpful tips as: "Wash your hands with soap and water after handling the material, and don't allow your children or pets to play in it or eat it," and "Any left over Plutonium dust is excellent as an insect repellant." Biggest snub: NBC and CBS refused to preempt "Friends" and "Survivor" when President Bush delivered a prime-time address about homeland security and the war on terrorism. As Jay Leno quipped, "God forbid, let's hope the enemy never attacks on a Thursday night."
Most accidental tourist: An odd photo began circulating on the Internet a couple of weeks after the attacks showing an unwitting tourist posing for a picture atop the World Trade Center just moments before one of the hijacked jets hit the building. No one knew who the famed "tourist guy" was until a 25-year-old Hungarian man eventually came forward and admitted to doctoring the photo of himself "as a joke meant for my friends." It wasn't half as funny as the series of hilarious "Where's Waldo"-style parody photos it inspired, which placed the tourist guy at the scene of other disasters, including the Hindenburg crash site, aboard the Titanic, and alongside JFK's motorcade. Least likely to be invited to entertain the troops:Bill Maher, the host of ABC's Politically Incorrect, was roundly lambasted after he said some of the U.S. military's actions in the past had been "cowardly." And if that wasn't bad enough, he added, "Staying in the airplane when it hits the building, say what you want about it, it's not cowardly." Least likely to actually entertain the troops: After careful consideration of all available options, the Bush administration decided to deploy 59-year-old comedian Wayne Newton to Afghanistan to entertain our fighting men and women. Fortunately, it was the only major strategic military blunder the Bush administration made in prosecuting the war on terrorism. Best attempt to channel Joseph McCarthy: A year after losing the Missouri Senate race to a dead man, John Ashcroft began trying to conjure the spirit of famed communist witch hunter Joseph McCarthy. While Ashcroft has stopped short of waving a list of suspected card-carrying terrorists in front of the cameras, it remains to be seen whether, in the end, he will have any sense of decency left. Best attempt to channel George Orwell: White House Press Secretary Ari Fleischer was widely criticized for stepping over the line in criticizing comedian Bill Maher over his remarks calling past U.S. military actions "cowardly." Said Fleischer: "There are reminders to all Americans that they need to watch what they say, watch what they do, and this is not a time for remarks like that." In other words, Big Ari is watching you. Worst adapted screenplay: Seeking help in the war on terrorism, the military enlisted several top Hollywood filmmakers and writers to brainstorm future terrorism scenarios and solutions. It's unknown what recommendations they made, but some Internet jokesters came up with a few ideas for how Hollywood can help. Take a sneak peak at "The Turbanator," "Tali Wars: America Strikes Back," and "Afghanistone." Most amusing terror scare: In Singapore, an Indian passenger was detained for hours after another traveler thought he had described himself as a "Bosnian terrorist." In fact, the man said he was a "bass guitarist." Related Links |
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