Best Jokes Lampooning the GOP Candidates

See Also:
• Best Cartoons on the 2012 GOP Candidates
• Funny Pictures of the 2012 GOP Candidates
• Dumbest Quotes by the 2012 GOP Candidates

"As the Republicans continue checking underneath every available flag pin and Bible for viable candidates, presumed de facto frontrunner candidate Mitt Romney has gotta be thinking, 'What the fudge? This is starting to hurt where my feelings should be.'" –Jon Stewart

"President Obama is criticizing Rick Perry for denying global warming. Can understand why Rick Perry doesn't take global warming seriously. As governor of Texas, he's probably fried more people than global warming all put together." –Jay Leno

"You want to add another candidate? It's like the Republican primary is a season of 'American Idol' in reverse, where every week you just add some new idiot… Have you ever considered the possibility that your candidates aren't the problem -- it's you?" –Jon Stewart to the GOP base

"It's like your ideal candidate is a rare super-heavy element that could only exist in a particular particle accelerator. And even then, only for a fraction of a second, before you all remembered how much you hate science. You guys need to take a long hard look in the mirror, and not come away thinking, 'You know, there's something wrong with this mirror.'" –Jon Stewart, to GOP voters

"If you're keeping score at home, they have now applauded executions at the Republican debate, they have cheered letting an uninsured man die, and they booed an active duty U.S. serviceman for being gay. I don't know how you get to the right with this crowd but Ron Paul's new campaign ad is just the Rodney King beating to the sound of children laughing." –Bill Maher

"Did you see the Republican debate last night? It was brought to you by FOX and Google. I think that makes sense that they were working together because Google is what people go to, to fact check the bulls**t that comes out of FOX." –Bill Maher

"Rick Perry did look dumb. I'm beginning to think that 'Texas Miracle' was him getting out of high school." –Bill Maher on Rick Perry's poor showing at a Republican debate

"Herman Cain was unaware that China is a nuclear power. And I said to myself, 'Hey, Herman, how about making an unwanted advance on a history book?' ... Forget president -- this guy could be premier of Italy." --David Letterman

"Newt Gingrich is so pro-marriage, he can't stop doing it. He is so morally upright, that he's only had sex after he was married. Just not always to the woman he was married to." –Stephen Colbert

"I've been watching the Republican debates. I watched these eight clowns on the stage and at the end I wanted to raise my hand and say, 'I don't believe in evolution.'" –Bill Maher

"After the debate where the HPV issue came up, Michele Bachmann said she had a discussion with a woman who came to her and said that her daughter had taken the vaccine and had become mentally retarded. And Michele Bachmann said, 'Mom?'" –Bill Maher

"Last night at the Republican debate MSNBC put little factoids about the candidates on the screen as they were speaking. For instance, Michele Bachmann: Pet peeve: facts. Gives Jesus the creeps. Has never seen her husband naked. Governor Rick Perry: Dumber than Bush, no lie. Motto: 'Don't mess with Texes.' In high school voted 'Most likely to execute 200+ people.' Newt Gingrich: Even fatter in real life. Carpet matches the drapes. Favorite color: Donuts." –Conan O'Brien

"Texas Governor Rick Perry distanced himself from George W. Bush by saying, 'I went to Texas A&M. He went to Yale.' In other words, his idea of instilling confidence is by saying, 'Don't worry. I'm not as smart as George W. Bush.'" –Conan O'Brien

"He's not George Bush on steroids. Rick Perry is what happens if Lex Luther distilled down George Bush essence in a laboratory and crossed it with gun powder and semen from the finest thoroughbred in Lubbock, and then strapped that concoction onto a nuclear missile and shot it into the f*cking sun! And then, waited, waited, waited, until one day, on the anniversarry of the Alamo, a solar flare, yada yada yada, Rick Perry!" –Jon Stewart

"New reports say that President Obama's re-election team is going to try to portray Mitt Romney as 'weird.' They're also going to try to portray Michele Bachmann as 'Michele Bachmann.'" –Conan O'Brien

"An audio recording from five years ago has been released of Michele Bachmann predicting the end of the world. Her exact words were, 'I'm going to run for president in 2012.'" –Conan O'Brien

"Experts are predicting that in the first Republican debate, Mitt Romney will face his fiercest ideological opponent: himself from four years ago." –Conan O'Brien

"Most of Newt Gingrich's campaign staff quit on the same day, and some people are blaming Newt's third wife. When asked about it, Newt said, 'I'll win them back with my fourth wife.'–Conan O'Brien

"Newt Gingrich has a new campaign slogan: 'Now hiring!' Sixteen of Gingrich's top staff quit last week, and today, two of his top fundraisers quit. He's not even president and he's already raising the unemployment rate.–Jay Leno

"Mitt Romney has announced he's running for president in 2012. At the same time, he's announced he'll try again in 2016." –Stephen Colbert

"Newt Gingrich announced he was running for president. His top advisers quit, and then his campaign fundraisers all quit. Newt was thinking, 'I don't need this, I'll just put it all on my Tiffany's credit card.'" –David Letterman

"Ron Paul announced he's running for president. And get this: he supports the legalization of prostitution and heroin. Now, I know he doesn't have much of a chance but if he does win that's going to be one hell of a victory party." –Conan O'Brien

"A gay activist dumped glitter all over Newt Gingrich. He wants Newt to stop being against gay marriage. But Newt believes marriage is a sacred bond between a man and his wife and his mistress and the other woman he's seeing on the side." –Jay Leno

"Everyone in the blamestream media, copyright, is saying Newt Gingrich is on the ropes. Wrong, you parasites. This man will rise again, just like the sourdough he appears to be made of." –Stephen Colbert

"Some people say Newt Gingrich may have trouble winning over traditional values voters because he has had three marriages. So as a result, the campaign has announced a new slogan, 'Newt Gingrich, so committed to marriage, he can't stop doing it.'–Conan O'Brien

"Newt Gingrich made it official: he's in. Not in the presidential race -- in a trivia book called 'Whatever Happened to Last Century's Biggest A**holes?'–Bill Maher

"Well, the presidential race is getting interesting. In an effort to clear up his reputation as a flip-flopper, Mitt Romney will give a speech on health care. And then, right afterward, he'll give a five-minute rebuttal." –Jay Leno

"Lenscrafters is upset with Tea Partier Michele Bachmann because she called Planned Parenthood 'the Lenscrafters of abortion.' Lenscrafters released a statement today calling her 'the Costco of crazy.'" –Conan O'Brien

"No! Not Captain Buzzkill! Not the guy who looks like everyone who ever fired your dad! He's gonna suck all the fun right out of this crazy thing. Just look at the online video announcing his run. It looks like it could double as an ad for erectile dysfunction pills. 'Mitt Romney: for when the moment's right.'–Jon Stewart

"Newt Gingrich knows that before he throws his giant hat into the ring, he has to explain his past positions -- specifically, why those positions were so often on top of women who weren't his wife." –Stephen Colbert

"In a new interview, Newt Gingrich says he cheated on two of his wives because he was too consumed with love for his country. Yeah, apparently he misunderstood the phrase, 'Please rise for the Pledge of Allegiance.'–Conan O'Brien

"Newt Gingrich said he's afraid America will become an atheist country dominated by radical Islamists. Right. Our big problem could be religious atheists, almost as bad as pacifist warmongers. If they hook up with the communist capitalists we're screwed." –Jay Leno

"Newt Gingrich explained why he fooled around on his first two wives by saying he loved this country so much that it led him to cheating. He was so passionate about it he had to take his pants off." –Jay Leno

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Compiled by Daniel Kurtzman