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Paul Ryan Jokes

Late-Night Jokes About GOP Vice Presidential Candidate Paul Ryan

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Paul Ryan Jokes
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"Mayor Bloomberg announced that Sunday's marathon will go ahead as scheduled. Immediately afterward, Paul Ryan announced he finished in 2 hours, 2 minutes, and 12 seconds." –David Letterman

"Paul Ryan said that he and Mitt Romney won't reveal their tax plan to the public until after the election. Other politicians couldn't believe it. They were like, 'At least do the honorable thing and lie.'" –Jimmy Fallon

"Ryan stretching the truth to make his speech more effective is just another form of doping. In that if you believe him, you are a dope." –Stephen Colbert, on Ryan's Republican convention speech

"Paul Ryan -- the man who has electrified the party base with his home spun down-to-earth way of telling the poor to suck it up." –Stephen Colbert

"Are you excited about Paul Ryan? He's a far, far-right ideologue. The Republican base loves him. He's kind of an English-speaking version of Sarah Palin." –Bill Maher

"You know what the only business experience Paul Ryan guy has? As a teenager he drove the Oscar Mayer Wienermoble. A Republican inside a wiener. Usually it's the other way around." –Bill Maher

"Republicans like Paul Ryan because they say he's a fiscal conservative, and that's a perfect balance for Romney who's a guy that has an elevator for his Cadillacs." –David Letterman

"Mitt's running mate Paul Ryan — who has dropped out of nowhere and has energized the Republican ticket — he looks like the guy you see on packages of underwear." -David Letterman

"Speaking of Paul Ryan, a new poll actually found that 42 percent of Americans do not approve of Mitt Romney's running mate, which isn't too bad considering most Americans don't approve of Paul Ryan's running mate." –Jimmy Fallon

"Mitt Romney and Paul Ryan are now campaigning separately. They didn't want to, but Chick-Fil-A threatened to pull their campaign contributions. Getting too lose. Kind of a bromance." –Jay Leno

"You know who's hit the ground running? That Paul Ryan. This guy looks like somebody who would be holding seminars on condo flipping." –David Letterman

"Paul Ryan looks like the guy you see on packages of underwear." –David Letterman

"Mitt Romney has picked Paul Ryan as his running mate. Experts say Ryan can add something vital to this campaign that Mitt Romney lacks: a personality." –Jay Leno

"Mitt Romney kept his selection of Ryan as his VP nominee secret for more than a week. You know how he was able to keep it secret? He had it hidden next to his tax returns." –Jay Leno

"Paul Ryan is full of excitement, he's drawing big crowds. The only thing holding Paul Ryan back now according to political experts is Mitt Romney." –David Letterman

"Have you seen these guys, Mitt Romney and Paul Ryan? They look like father and son dentists." –David Letterman

"Paul Ryan likes to hunt and we all know that a vice president who hunts is always a good choice." –David Letterman

"Tell me one area where Paul Ryan and Sarah Palin would disagree? I cannot find one area. So somehow he's the smartest guy in the party and she's the stupidest woman on earth, but they agree on everything." -Bill Maher

"We are all still trying to measure the impact of Romney choosing Paul Ryan for Vice President. Does it make Romney look more exciting? Does it make Ryan look old enough to drink?" -Stephen Colbert

"Mitt Romney's vice-presidential pick, Paul Ryan, criticized President Obama for not doing enough to create jobs. In response, Obama said, 'Didn't you just get a new job?'" –Jimmy Fallon

"Mitt Romney is hoping to energize conservatives with his choice of Paul Ryan as running mate. That’s like trying to spice up a bowl of oatmeal with more oatmeal." –Jimmy Fallon

"During the announcement, Mitt Romney said that he and Paul Ryan are 'America's Comeback Team.' You know, as in come back in four years and try again." –Jimmy Fallon

"How many of you have the Paul Ryan fever? They say that Paul Ryan will humanize Romney. And I thought, hell, an amoeba could humanize Romney." –David Letterman

"I like the looks of this Paul Ryan, the representative from Wisconsin. He reminds me of who your sister would date in college. He looks like one of those guys who pretends to be a doctor on an infomercial. He reminds me of the guy at Olive Garden who comes over to see how everything was." –David Letterman

"In college Paul Ryan drove the Oscar Mayer Wienermobile. So he and Romney have something in common. Both have the experience of driving a car with a dog on the roof." –David Letterman

"On Sunday, Mitt Romney chose Paul Ryan as his running mate. Forty-three percent of Americans have never heard of Ryan and the others thought he was the private that Tom Hanks brought home from Normandy." –Jimmy Kimmel

"Romney and Ryan kind of look like a father and son in an ad for Super Cuts." –Jimmy Kimmel

"And then there's Congressman Paul Ryan. On the plus side, he has piercing blue bedroom eyes. On the minus side, he's a heartless smirking bastard, and the only people who can stand him are heartless smirking bastards. And Mitt, you already have that vote locked up." –Bill Maher

"Paul Ryan introduced a budget plan that would overhaul Medicare and make deep cuts to other social and healthcare programs because he believes the American people have said loud and clear: 'stop using my tax dollars to take care of me.'" -Seth Meyers

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