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Government Shutdown Jokes

Best Jokes about the 2013 Government Shutdown

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Government Shutdown Jokes
Government Shutdown Jokes

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Funniest Government Shutdown Memes
Craziest Government Shutdown Quotes
Government Shutdown Cartoons

"People are saying that Republicans got nothing out of the deal. Not true. They got eight years of Hillary." –David Letterman on the government shutdown

"President Obama said the day after the budget deal is made he's going to concentrate on immigration. He says he'll start by deporting Ted Cruz." –Conan O'Brien

"Some of these guys in Congress are acting like this is a big achievement. If you pick up a gun and don't shoot yourself in the leg with it, that's not really an achievement." –Jimmy Kimmel

"People are actually getting very pissed off at this government shutdown. But Republicans say, 'Remember one thing. We are standing up for an important principle, and as soon as we figure out what it is, you will be the first to know.'" –Bill Maher

"There are these people they're calling 'debt ceiling deniers' – Republicans who have decided that, unlike every economist on the entire planet, maybe defaulting on our debt would be a good thing. First they didn't believe in evolution, then they didn't believe in global warming, and now the debt ceiling; what I like to call the 'moron trifecta.'" –Bill Maher

"Look, you think Obamacare's a big enough threat to this country that you need to shut down the government over it, fine. Own it. Don't fart and point at the dog." –Jon Stewart on Republicans trying to shift the blame for the government shutdown despite claiming to be "the party of personal responsibility"

"The rules are I go first, and I refuse to take my turn. And you can't take yours until I'm done. I know you're upset, but we're both at fault here, so let's negotiate. I agree to take my turn if you agree that I win." –Stephen Colbert, explaining the GOP strategy

"Today was day 10 of the government shutdown. At what point do we politely ask Canada to govern us?" –Jimmy Kimmel

"Georgia Republican Congressman Phil Gingrey said it's time for his party to have a 'Braveheart' moment for the American people. Really? This whole government shutdown feels like another Mel Gibson movie: 'Ransom.'" –Jay Leno

It's gotten too bad that after years of sliding poll numbers, now the approval ratings of Congress has hit a record low of just 5 percent. There are a lot of pressing questions, namely, who's in the five percent that still approves of Congress?" –Jimmy Fallon

"A new Fox News poll shows that disapproval of the Republican Party during the shutdown has jumped to 59 percent. And that's a Fox News poll. Talk about getting booed on your home field. By the way, if Fox News says it's 59 percent, that's like the real news saying it's 3,000 percent." -Seth Meyers

"Senator Ted Cruz was born in Canada, so while we were worried about Iran, China, and North Korea, a Canadian shut down the U.S. Government. Well played, Canada." -Seth Meyers

"It's day nine of the government shutdown. Are you like me? Are you beginning to miss the days when we were ruled by a mad English king?" –David Letterman

"Look, you think Obamacare's a big enough threat to this country that you need to shut down the government over it, fine. Own it. Don't fart and point at the dog." –Jon Stewart on Republicans trying to shift the blame for the government shutdown despite claiming to be "the party of personal responsibility"

"The rules are I go first, and I refuse to take my turn. And you can't take yours until I'm done. I know you're upset, but we're both at fault here, so let's negotiate. I agree to take my turn if you agree that I win." Stephen Colbert, explaining the GOP strategy

"The Republican Party is like the corpse in 'Weekend at Bernies' and the Tea Party is like the two guys who put sunglasses and a party hat on it and drag it around." –Bill Maher

"The Republican who summarized it best was Indiana Republican Marlin Stutzman, who said, 'We're not going to be disrespected. We have to get something out of this, and I don't even know that is.' Say what you will about a toddler throwing a tantrum in the grocery store. At least he knows he wants Coco Puffs." –Bill Maher

"People are saying now that before the government shutdown congressmen went out and got drunk – celebrating that they had shut down the government. This is the kind of thing that could damage their 10 percent approval rating." –David Letterman

"Republicans don't want to shut the government down, they want to end this stalemate and get back to the important work of crippling the government." -Stephen Colbert

"Did you see the Giants game on Sunday? They lost 31-7. Do you know what the Giants didn't say after that game? 'If you don't give us 25 more points by midnight on Monday, we will shut down the f**king NFL.'" -Jon Stewart on Republicans shutting down the government over their opposition to Obamacare

"If it turns out that President Obama can make a deal with the most intransigent, hard-line, unreasonable totalitarian mullahs in the world, but not with Republicans, maybe he's not the problem." –Jon Stewart on Republican complaints that Obama was willing to negotiate with Iran and Russia but not Republicans

"The rules are I go first, and I refuse to take my turn. And you can't take yours until I'm done. I know you're upset, but we're both at fault here, so let's negotiate. I agree to take my turn if you agree that I win." –Stephen Colbert, explaining the GOP strategy

"We've got the government shutdown, but the beginning of Obamacare. You know what that means? You can now complain to your doctor about the government making you sick." –Jay Leno

"How many are worried about a government shutdown? How many are more worried about it starting back up?" –Jay Leno

"I'm glad the government has shut down. Think about it, for the first time in years it's safe to talk on the phone and send emails without anybody listening in." –Jay Leno

"Hey Congress, bad move shutting down the government - you're not employable anywhere else." –Andy Borowitz

"Just heard a woman on the radio talking about being able to get health insurance for the first time. This is the kind of nightmare scenario Republicans are trying to prevent." –Andy Borowitz

"Considering that no one wants Obamacare, it's weird that the website keeps crashing." –Andy Borowitz

"The federal government has shut down, and 800,000 federal employees are out of work. That explains why tonight our entire studio audience is made up of park rangers and astronauts." –Conan O'Brien

"The government shutdown is going to slash the budget for food inspection. That is bad news for health advocates, but great news for the new Japanese restaurant – Leap of Faith Sushi." –Conan O'Brien

"The government may be shut down. But we are open for business here! What are we doing here? Shouldn't we all be out looting a Best Buy or something? Who wants to start a post-apocalyptic motorcycle gang?" –Jimmy Kimmel

"To be honest, I didn't notice the government was shut down today. But the 800,000 government employees who had their hours cut or jobs taken away definitely did. But the good news is Congress is still getting paid." –Jimmy Kimmel

"After Congress failed to reach an agreement on a new spending bill, the federal government officially shut down. So roads won't get fixed, public employees won't be able to help you, and getting a federal loan for a house will be very difficult – but there will also be a lot of differences." –Jimmy Fallon

"There are reports that several members of Congress were actually drinking last night while they were debating the bill that could have avoided the government shutdown. Which explains that one part where they said, 'The floor recognizes the representative from Margaritaville!'" –Jimmy Fallon

"The U.S. government has shut down so I think it will probably be best if you folks in the studio audience spent the night here." –David Letterman

"Almost a million non-essential government employees were let go. Well, isn't that the problem, that there's that many non-essential employees?" –David Letterman

"Most of the White House staff is gone. The only one left is butler Forest Whitaker." –David Letterman

"Even the NSA is out of business. And while they're closed, while the government is shut down, they are asking citizens to please spy on each other." –David Letterman

"The American government has shut down. Who do you think you are? You work for us. I don't recall giving you the day off." –Craig Ferguson

"Right now more than 800,000 government employees are no longer getting paid. Don't worry. Every single member of Congress still gets paid. You are right to hiss and boo, my friends." –Craig Ferguson

"At least here in America, crucial agencies like the U.S. Border Patrol are still on the job. That's a good thing. The last thing we need is an influx of Canadians, with their politeness and a government that's open every day." –Craig Ferguson

"The shutdown means the national zoo is closed. Who'll feed the animals? Is anyone even there to lock them up at night? Pretty soon starving lions and tigers could charge out of the zoo. They'd devour the fattest, dumbest people on Capitol Hill. Actually that might be the answer to all of the problems." –Craig Ferguson

"Our government may be shutting down in a few hours. So, folks, get ready for absolutely no noticeable difference." –Conan O'Brien

"If there is a government shutdown, most of the White House staff will be sent home. Which means there’ll only be nine guys whose job it is to keep Joe Biden away from the president." –Conan O'Brien

"Tonight I will be covering the end of the government in a must-see TV event: the finale of Breaking Gov. Yes, tonight the United States government ends. Oh, it has been a hell of a ride folks. What a dramatic arc. It started out as a highly sympathetic character in the 1770s, but in 230 seasons has become an egotistical, self-destructive maniac." –Stephen Colbert

"Well, last night we got to see how 'Breaking Bad' ended, and tonight we get to see how the federal government ends." –Jay Leno

"Both sides are blaming each other. Republicans are pointing their fingers at Democrats, Democrats are pointing their fingers at Republicans. And Americans are pointing the middle finger at both of them." –Jay Leno

"This whole government shutdown thing comes down to who will blink first. Well, we know it won't be Nancy Pelosi. We know that for sure because she hasn't blinked since the last shutdown." –Jay Leno

"If the government does shut down, nonessential White House employees will be sent home without pay – so more bad news for Joe Biden." –Jay Leno

"Since 1976 there have been 17 government shutdowns. The longest was during the four years that Jimmy Carter was president." –Jay Leno

"Do you care that the U.S. government's shutting down? I thought they were already shut down. I mean, honestly." –David Letterman

"Even if the government shuts down, Americans don't care. The last time Americans cared about anything was when they shut down the Twinkie factory." –David Letterman

"The shutdown will affect some national parks and museums. They're going to close the Smithsonian. So if you have tickets, forget it. You're not getting in. They're going to close the National Air & Space Museum. They're closing the Hillary Clinton Pantsuit Museum." –David Letterman

"Midnight tonight is the deadline for Congress to pass their budget for the year. And if they don’t, things shut down – which is bad because we need to keep the government working so they can continue to not do things on our behalf." –Jimmy Kimmel

"Interestingly, polls show that most Americans say they don’t like Obamacare – but they love what's in it. It's like the opposite of a McNugget." –Jimmy Kimmel

"President Obama gave a speech today suggesting that this is kind of a hostage situation. But the Republicans who came up with the idea said they're not holding America hostage, and if he bothered to read their ransom note, that would be perfectly clear." –Jimmy Kimmel

"We are actually headed toward a government shutdown, but if that's what it takes to get Ted Cruz off my TV, I am all for it." –Bill Maher

"The Senate passed a bill to keep the government running, but of course the teabaggers are still insisting on defunding Obamacare or they will blow the whole place up. Why are we asking them again? It's like saying to someone, 'Put your baby back on the phone.'" –Bill Maher

"As of now we still don’t know whether Congress is going to vote to shut down the government. However, it looks like they still might burn it down for the insurance money." –Arsenio Hall

"All this drama is very confusing to all the hookers in D.C. They don’t know whether they have to go to work tomorrow either." –Arsenio Hall

"Now, I’m not sure how politics works, but I’m pretty sure if the government shuts down it means that we don’t have to pay taxes. I’m just kidding, Wesley Snipes … that’s a joke … pay your taxes." –Arsenio Hall

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