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Obama at the 2010 White House Correspondents' Dinner

Full Transcript of Obama's Comedy Routine

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Obama at the 2010 White House Correspondents' Dinner

President Obama draws big laughs at the 2010 White House Correspondents' Dinner

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Obama at the 2009 WHCD Dinner

Following is a transcript of President Obama's speech at the 2010 White House Correspondents Association Dinner. (Watch the video and read a complete summary)

THE PRESIDENT: Thank you so much, Ed. And to all the other board members; to honored guests; and to the lovely First Lady. (Applause.) Good evening.

Ed is right, I work a lot. And so I wasn't sure that I should actually come tonight. Biden talked me into it. (Laughter.) He leaned over and he said, "Mr. President -- (laughter) -- this is no ordinary dinner. (Laughter.) This is a big (beep) meal." (Applause.)

It's been quite a year since I've spoken here last -- lots of ups, lots of downs -- except for my approval ratings, which have just gone down. (Laughter.) But that's politics. It doesn't bother me. Beside I happen to know that my approval ratings are still very high in the country of my birth. (Laughter and applause.)

And then just the other day, my dear friend, Hillary Clinton, pulled me aside and she gave me a pep talk. She said, despite the numbers, she said, "Don't worry, Barack, you're likeable enough." (Laughter.) Which made me feel better.

Of course I may not have had the star power that I once had -- but in my defense, neither do all of you. (Laughter.)

People say to me, "Mr. President, you helped revive the banking industry, you saved GM and Chrysler. What about the news business?" I have to explain, hey, I'm just the President. (Laughter.) I'm not a miracle worker, here. (Laughter.)

Though I am glad that the only person whose ratings fell more than mine last year is here tonight -- great to see you, Jay. (Laughter and applause.) I'm also glad that I'm speaking first, because we've all seen what happens when somebody takes the time slot after Leno's. (Laughter.)

JAY LENO: Goodnight, everybody. (Laughter.)

THE PRESIDENT: By the way, all of the jokes here tonight are brought to you by our friends at Goldman Sachs. (Laughter.) So you don't have to worry -- they make money whether you laugh or not. (Laughter.)

We do have a number of notable guests in attendance here tonight. Obviously I'm most pleased that Michelle accompanied me. She doesn't always go to these things. (Applause.) And there are few things in life that are harder to find and more important to keep than love -- well, love and a birth certificate. (Laughter.)

The Jonas Brothers are here. (Applause.) They're out there somewhere. Sasha and Malia are huge fans. But, boys, don't get any ideas. (Laughter.) I have two words for you -- predator drones. (Laughter.) You will never see it coming. (Laughter.) You think I'm joking. (Laughter.)

Speaking of 'tween heartthrobs, Scott Brown is here. (Applause.) I admire Scott -- a rare politician in Washington with nothing to hide. (Laughter.) Now, you should be aware that Scott Brown is not the only one with a salacious photo spread floating around. Recently David Axelrod was offered a centerfold opportunity of his own -- now, I did not know that Krispy-Kreme had a catalog. (Laughter.) But it's true.

I saw Michael Steele backstage when we were taking pictures -- AKA Notorious GOP. (Laughter.) Michael, who knows what truly plagues America today -- taxation without representin' --(Laughter.) My brother. (Laughter.) I did a similar routine last year, but it always works. (Laughter.)

Odds are that the Salahis are here. (Laughter.) There haven't been people that were more unwelcome at a party since Charlie Crist. (Laughter.)

Unfortunately, John McCain couldn't make it. Recently he claimed that he had never identified himself as a maverick. And we all know what happens in Arizona when you don't have ID. (Laughter.) Adios, amigos. (Laughter and applause.)

Look, I feel for John. You know, we were on the road together and obviously had a hard-fought battle, and you learn, certainly at the national level, politics isn't easy. This year I've experienced my share of disappointments. For example, I had my heart set on the Nobel Prize -- for Physics. (Laughter.) But, hey, you can't win 'em all. (Laughter.)

Speaking of undeserved honors, a few weeks ago I was able to throw out the first pitch at the Nationals game. And I don't know if you saw it, but I threw it a little high and a little outside. This is how FOX News covered it: "President panders to extreme left-wing of batter box." (Laughter.) On the other hand, MSNBC had a different take -- "President pitches no-hitter." (Laughter.) And then CNN went a different way altogether -- (video is shown about volcano eruption in Iceland) -- I guess that's why they're the most trusted name in news. (Laughter.)

Now, look, I have a reputation for giving cable a hard time, so let's pick on Politico for a while. (Laughter.) You know, people attack Politico for putting a new focus on trivial issues, political fodder, gossip sheet. That's not fair. Politico has been doing this for centuries now. Just check out these headlines -- our researchers found these: "Japan surrenders -- where's the bounce?" Then there's this one: "Lincoln saves Union, but can he save House majority?" I don't know if you can see, there's a little portion there -- "He's lost the Southern white vote." (Laughter.) It's an astute analysis there.

And my favorite, July 3, 1776 -- "Senior Whig official: Talks break down, independence dead." (Laughter.)

So this is nothing new. But even though the mainstream press gives me a hard time, I hear that I'm still pretty big on Twitter, Facebook -- or as Sarah Palin calls it, "the socialized media." (Laughter.)

Next > More of Obama's Stand-Up Comedy Routine

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