Bill Clinton Jokes

"Bill Clinton's official portrait was unveiled at the White House yesterday. Don't kid yourself, there's already trouble. Yesterday, Clinton's portrait was caught hitting on Dolly Madison's portrait." —David Letterman

"Yesterday at a White House ceremony, the official portrait of President Clinton was unveiled. Apparently, Clinton's portrait is so realistic that Hillary immediately started yelling at it." —Conan O'Brien

"President Bush welcomed Bill and Hillary Clinton back to the White House for the unveiling of Bill's official portrait. There are two firsts involved. It's the first presidential portrait ever painted by an African-American artist. And it's the first presidential portrait to feature full-frontal nudity." —Jay Leno

"Bill Clinton's memoir, which is coming out in June, is called 'My Life.' I believe it's an oral history. ... They say it should be a good read even for people who are unfamiliar with Bill Clinton, you know, like Hillary." —Jay Leno

"Clinton's book could be close to 700 pages. What is this? Even Clinton's books are fat." —Jay Leno

"President Clinton also testified before the 9/11 commission. He said he was very concerned about an attack. In fact, Clinton said he couldn't remember how many times he had told women in the White House, 'Just keep your head down.'" —Jay Leno

"Independent counsel Robert Ray released his final report and he concluded that President Clinton lied about Monica Lewinsky. That was $70 million well spent." —Jay Leno

"Are you excited about this cloning thing? That company CloneAid, which has been doing all this research, made an announcement that they have been able to clone a Bill Clinton Jr. from a blue dress." —David Letterman

"Last night in Canada, Bill Clinton told a Jewish group that if Iraq attacks the Middle East, he would personally pick-up a rifle and fight for Israel. The only place he won't fight, is if it's anywhere near Southeast Asia. ... Would you want Clinton fighting with you? We already know his aim is terrible." —Jay Leno

"Producers of the game show 'Hollywood Squares' said that they have asked former President Bill Clinton to be the center square on the show, and Clinton is considering it. How humbling is that? The same week that Jimmy Carter gets the Nobel Peace Prize, you are asked to be the center square!" —Jay Leno "According to the latest issue of Washingtonian magazine, Bill Clinton has decided to run for mayor of New York City in 2005. It's perfect. The city who never sleeps with the man who sleeps with everyone." —Jay Leno

"The Clintons are having their big barbecue. Bill gets out the spatula, he gets out the oven mitts, the basting brush ... and then by God he's ready for sex." —David Letterman

"President Clinton was in Manhattan a couple of days ago and he's driving down the street and he stops his car and goes up to a doorman at an apartment building and he asks the guy if he can use the restroom. One day you're the leader of the free world and the next day a guy named Pedro won't let you use the bathroom. ... Later that day Clinton stopped a couple and asked them if he could use his wife." —David Letterman

"In today's New York Post a man who went to Oxford with former President Clinton claims that at the time both he and Clinton dated a woman who turned out to be a radical lesbian. After hearing this, President Clinton said, 'Yeah, but only one of us married her.'" —Conan O'Brien

"Here's a nice thing. You remember President Clinton, he had the heavy-set girl thing. He had a dog Buddy, who sadly died a couple of months ago. Well, President Clinton has gotten himself a new dog. You know, I think it's changing his life, kind of brightening him up. He's teaching the dog to sit up, to beg, to roll-over, you know, just like he did with the interns." —David Letterman

"The big news from the celebrity boxing match was that Tonya Harding knocked Paula Jones down in their fight. Yeah, afterwards, President Clinton said 'Finally, someone got Paula Jones to go down.'" —Conan O'Brien

"You may think you have a stressful job, but since she's been a Senator, Hillary Clinton, they say, put on 30 pounds. In fact, she has gotten so heavy that today Bill hit on her." —David Letterman "President Clinton may be getting his own TV show on NBC. He could be the first president to ever be both impeached and cancelled. They're going to pay the guy $50 million. And that's not all. If I know Clinton, he's going to be getting a little something extra under the table." —David Letterman

"Bill Clinton may get his own talk show on CBS. It will be strange once again to hear 'So who is on Clinton tonight?'" —Craig Kilborn

"Clinton wants to be a talk show host. I think he'd be a great talk show host. ... His would be the only one where the couch folds out. I'm just glad Clinton wasn't offered a game show. The last thing I want to see is Clinton yelling at women 'Come on down.'" —Jay Leno