Bill Clinton Jokes

"According to Marie Claire magazine, the United States is the most sexually active country in the world. It's nice to see all the work Clinton did in the '90s finally paying off. Who said there is no legacy there?" —Jay Leno

"They say New Yorkers are coping by having much, much more sex. Talk about luck. Bill Clinton moved here just in time" —David Letterman "Bin Laden was once targeted by President Clinton. President Clinton wanted to kill him but couldn't get him. Of course not, we all know what kind of aim Clinton has." —Jay Leno

"Clinton and Dole are joining forces to raise $100 million in scholarship money for the families of the victims. But you know who also deserves a pat on the back, Elizabeth Dole. Her husband is on Viagra and he's gone on the road with Bill Clinton — that is one trusting woman." —Jay Leno

"Even former political rivals like Bill Clinton and Bob Dole are working together to help New York. They say they want to show people that they could put their differences aside for a common goal. And those two really are different when you think about it. I mean there's Bob Dole who always talks in the third person and Bill Clinton who always denies there's a third person." —Jay Leno

"Bad news for Bill Clinton. He's been disbarred. So now it seems the only time he can argue a case is in front of his wife." —David Letterman

"Talking about Bill Clinton, yesterday the Supreme Court disbarred him, but he's not worried about that, because he's just going to pardon himself." —David Letterman

"It's a tough time to do humor, but it's not the only tough time. There have been other tough stretches in comedy. Remember a couple of years ago when President Clinton stopped dating for a couple of weeks?" —Jay Leno

"President Bush's approval rating is ninety percent. That is huge. Do you realize that is higher than the approval rating Bill Clinton has in his own family?" —Jay Leno

"In an effort to help get the airline industry back on track, Ex-President Bill Clinton announced he would fly commercial airlines four times this week. Of course, it's Clinton, you don't know if he's trying to be patriotic, or if he just likes getting patted down." —Jay Leno

"Yesterday, Hillary Clinton criticized a neighbor in Chappaqua because the neighbor's son threw a party for his high school football team and had a stripper put on a nude sex show. President Clinton criticized the parents too, but only because he wasn't invited." —Conan O'Brien

"I'm glad our president is in perfect health, but it is not the same excitement as when Clinton would go in a physical. With Clinton, it would always be like 5 or 6 urologists there, you never know what strange disease he picked up. 'We need more penicillin! We need back up!' —Jay Leno

"Yeah, but he can do anything and get away with it." —Jay Leno

"As you probably heard, Bill Clinton's brother Roger Clinton got probation the other day on a restless driving charge. One condition of the probation: he cannot associate with any criminal elements. So there pretty much goes the Clinton family reunion right there." —Jay Leno

"Did you hear about Hillary Clinton's brother? It's not Hugh, it's Tony. Apparently he's got a vacation house somewhere in Pennsylvania and he gets beat up because he is having sex with somebody's fiance. I keep thinking, Clinton is a lucky guy. It's hard to find a brother in law who has the same interests you do" —David Letterman

"Senator Hillary Clinton's brother Tony Rodham was beaten up by a guy who caught him having sex with his girlfriend. Where does that happen? Does that happen anywhere you don't have wheels on your house? ... Today Bill Clinton said he was shocked. He said he didn't know anybody on Hillary's side of the family even had sex." —Jay Leno

"Bill Clinton is in Rio de Janeiro. Did you see the picture on the TV? He was in shorts on the beach. God bless this guy, he's not out building homes for the homeless — he's getting around like he won the Powerball! Just what Rio de Janeiro needs — another fat American looking at topless chicks." —David Letterman

"According to the kitchen staff at the White House, President Bush ends most of his meals by eating a dessert of Oreo cookies. Interesting, he eats Oreo cookies for dessert. Yeah, apparently he got the idea from President Clinton, who would end each meal by having a threesome with two black women." —Conan O'Brien

"The $10 million Clinton is getting for his book beats the old record of $8.5 million paid to the Pope. How do you think this makes the Pope feel? The man dedicates his life to the 10 Commandments, he gets 8.5. Clinton breaks every one of them, he gets 10." —Jay Leno

"Just like Clinton, the book will come with a jacket and no pants." —Jay Leno

"Former President Bill Clinton has over $10 million in his pockets. $10 million! Has there ever been a better time to be a Hooters waitress?" —Jay Leno

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