Bill Clinton Jokes

"Clinton has been mulling over titles for his memoirs but publishers have already told him he can't use the 'Ass Menagerie.' ... Editors are reportedly hoping for 1000 pages, but Clinton wants it considerably shorter so it hurts less when Hillary throws it at him." —Craig Kilborn

"Today the publisher of Bill Clinton's book said the last draft does include Clinton's description of all his infidelities. Yes, look for it in bookstores in the hernia section." —Craig Kilborn

"Isn't this amazing? Clinton is getting $8M for his memoir, Hillary got $8M for her memoir. That is $16M for two people who for eight years couldn't remember anything." —Jay Leno

"The House has approved drilling for oil in the Alaska wilderness. Say what you will about Clinton, but he was only interested in drilling in the Oval Office." —David Letterman

"While he was in Spain, Bush got a call from Bill Clinton. Clinton said, 'Hey, can you pick me up some Spanish fly while you're down there?'" —Jay Leno

"The other day while playing golf in England President Clinton met a couple getting married and posed for pictures with them. Not only that but he offered to help consummate the marriage." —Conan O'Brien

"Vanity Fair magazine reports that former President Clinton and Al Gore haven't spoken to each other since George W. Bush's inauguration. Not only that, Bill and his wife, Hillary, haven't spoken since Richard Nixon's inauguration." —Conan O'Brien

"Here is the basic difference between the Bush family and the Clinton family. When Bill Clinton said it was time for a cold one, he meant Hillary." —Jay Leno

"I will give you an idea of how hot it was the other day. It was so hot, to cool off President Clinton actually got in bed with Hillary." —David Letterman

"Clinton said he feels safe in Harlem. It's the only place in the state Hillary is scared to look for him after dark." —Craig Kilborn

"(Hillary Clinton) is way too polarizing a figure to ever (be elected president). But I like her husband. I think this kid has a gleam in his eye, this Bill Clinton. I think we show up at his house two years from now naked with a box of cigars and go, 'You know what, stick them wherever you want, just come back.'" —Jon Stewart, in an interview with Larry King

"Clinton now is our neighbor. He moved back into the city and his new offices are on the Upper East Side, way, way up there and they are conveniently located between a Wendy's and a Hooters. When he moved into his new offices, the first thing he did was hang up his certificate of impeachment. ... No move ever goes smoothly. Today Clinton's brand new desk arrived. He had to send it back, apparently not enough head room." —David Letterman

"Clinton's new office has everything, it's got the state-of-the-art equipment, the well- paid staff, the tight security. Now all he needs is, well, an actual job. ... He has been in the office a few days and he is still trying to figure out the new office phone system. Earlier today, he accidentally took a call from Hillary." —David Letterman

"Today lawyers for Monica Lewinsky said that Monica Lewinsky wants the government to return her stained blue dress. Apparently she is under the illusion that she can still fit in it. ... They said on the news tonight the dress could be worth up to $500,000 to a collector. Collector? Who collects that? Now I was thinking, Clinton gets what, $100,000 for an hour speech? He's in the wrong business. What's it take, two minutes to stain a dress? That's $500,000 right there." —Jay Leno

"Bush went to Wisconsin, to a Harley Davidson factory and rode a motorcycle. It's the biggest thing a president has ridden since ... I just can't bring myself to throw that joke away." —David Letterman

"Former President Clinton was hit by an egg thrown by a protestor as he was walking down the street in Poland. His reflexes were so quick, he was able to fertilize it like that." —Jay Leno

"Former President Bill Clinton is being paid $10 million to write his life story. There is no exact figure yet because there is no exact story." —Jay Leno

"Former President Clinton was walking to an event in Poland, walking down the street, waving to people, when a raw egg was thrown by a protester and hit him. Well, that's depressing, isn't it? One day, you're President of the United States, the Secret Service has to take a bullet for you. The minute you leave office, they won't even take an egg for you. ... Luckily, Clinton is an expert at getting out stains, so it's not a problem there." —Jay Leno

ridden since — well." —David Letterman "How many of you remember President Clinton? He was the fun one. ... An 18-year-old high school student wrote him a letter asking him to deliver the commencement address at the high school. Well, it actually wasn't just a letter, it was a couple of polaroids that went along with it." —David Letterman