Bill Clinton Jokes

"President Clinton has lost 20 pounds since he was in office. That's pretty good, 20 pounds. He said he knew he was overweight and needed to go on a diet because on the last trip he took, he couldn't get into the lavatory with a flight attendant." —David Letterman

"According to a recent report, Americans spend more money on pornography than we do on political campaigns. Last year we spent $11 billion on pornography and only $1.2 billion on politics. That was the great thing with Bill Clinton, with him you got both." —Jay Leno

"There is a rumor in Britain that President Clinton is going to be knighted by Queen Elizabeth. Which is really odd, because usually women are on their knees in front of him." —Conan O'Brien

"Great Britain is considering knighting former President Bill Clinton. And that's not all, because he committed adultery, cheated and had a bunch of loser relatives who never had a job in their lives, he's also being made an honorary member of the royal family." —Jay Leno

"Former President Clinton has been hanging out in a bar in Chappaqua, New York. Apparently he was there like every night last week. And apparently whenever President Clinton goes there, he asks for the usual and the waitress gives him a restraining order." —Conan O'Brien

"According to ABC News, Bill Clinton often sneaks back to Washington to be with Hillary. I guess he doesn't want his girlfriends finding out that he is seeing his wife." —Jay Leno

"Former President Bill Clinton is in India right now and he is doing everything you do when you go to India. They put a turban on him and they had Bill Clinton riding an Elephant. It's the biggest thing he's "Bill Clinton, they now are saying has got nothing to do. So every night he goes to a bar there in Chappaqua and Clinton says that he really enjoys spending time in the bar because the more he drinks, every woman starts to look like Paula Jones." —David Letterman

"It's tax time and former President Clinton is reporting he made over $2 million last year, and that's not including what he got under the table." —Craig Kilborn

"A judge in Little Rock, Arkansas, has thrown out Arkansas' anti-sodomy law. Finally, some good news for Bill Clinton: he can go home! He doesn't have to hide out in New York anymore." —Jay Leno

"Bill Clinton is back flying commercial. And this trip to Europe did not go well. Here is what happened, about 3 hours into the flight during the meal service, his intern kept hitting her head on the tray table." —David Letterman

"James Carville — one of those guys you always see on CNN, which is of course now the Clinton News Network, he said he didn't worry about Bill Clinton because Bill is the Comeback Kid. Here is my question; How can you make a comeback when you won't go away?" —Jay Leno

"Wes Craven was actually asked to shoot a film that documented Bill Clinton's last day in office. That's a true story, yeah. Yeah, apparently Craven wanted to call the film, 'I Know Who You Did Last Summer'" —Conan O'Brien

"President Clinton has got an office a couple of blocks from here. It's a great location, right between a Wendy's and a Hooters. ... It's a fabulous building, over on 57th Street — Hump Tower. ... He's on the 56th floor of this office building. What a view! He can see the East river. He can see Central Park. He can see the Hudson River. He can see Hillary coming." —David Letterman

"President Clinton is here in New York City. He's on the 56th floor of an office building in Midtown Manhattan. He took the whole floor. And the great thing is, he can furnish it with stuff he stole from the White House. And he brought his own doorman with him — I guess you can do that as a former President — Al Gore." —David Letterman

"They also said that they found pornographic material on the White House fax. It turns out that was just Clinton sending out resumes." —Jay Leno

"Former President Clinton, now that he's out of office he has to make his money like all the rest of us. Public speaking, that is what he does. ... This week kicks off the big public speaking tour, and he's down there in Florida and I'm thinking to myself, 'Finally, this could turn the tide for Al Gore. Finally!' ... Actually he's down there doing two speeches and judging a wet T-shirt contest." —David Letterman

"He's got a scandalous past and he's talking about how much he's going to love being the (Senate) spouse's club. Do you think that makes the male senators feel good? Do you think Sen. Orrin Hatch right now is sleeping easy? Do you think Lieberman doesn't think Clinton is going to be sidling on up to Hadassah in the Senate club: 'Can I buy you a Manishevitz?' Believe me, they're nervous." —Jon Stewart, on Bill Clinton

"Boy, you can tell Bill Clinton really hates being out of the spotlight. He spent two hours today waving behind the glass at the Today show." —Jay Leno