George Bush Jokes

"The White House planned the whole trip in total secrecy. The prime minister of Iraq was not told. The press was not told. Even President Bush was not told. In fact when he got off the plane in Baghdad he said, 'Boy, Arizona is hot.'" --Jay Leno

"President Bush went to Iraq to boost the new government. That shows you how rough the situation is in Iraq when a guy with 30% approval rating stops by to give you a boost." --Jay Leno

"As many as 26 and a half million veterans reported at risk for identity theft after someone stole a computer disk containing their names, birth dates and social security numbers. Why aren't these files put somewhere where no one can find them, like the same place where we keep President Bush's National Guard records?" --Jay Leno "First Lady Laura Bush flew from Washington to New York and instead of flying Air Force One, she took the Delta Shuttle. The first lady said she did this because unlike Air Force One, commercial airlines are cheaper, they waste less gas, and she doesn't get stuck sitting next to a dumb guy." --Conan O'Brien

"Last night was the season finale of 'West Wing.' 'West Wing' is gone. And ABC has cancelled 'Commander In Chief.' So, now the only fictional president is Bush." --David Letterman

"President will follow up his speech by going to the Arizona border, which is historic. It will be the first time he's actually ever shown up with a National Guard unit." --Jay Leno

"According to Secret Service logs, convicted lobbyist Jack Abramoff was at the White House only two times in the past fives years. Of course, the real question is: was it the same two times that President Bush was there?" --Tina Fey

"President Bush said catching a 7.5 pound fish was his best moment since becoming president. You know the sad thing, a lot of historians would agree with that." --Jay Leno

"A German publication did an interview with the president and asked Mr. Bush what was his best moment of his presidency, and he said it was the day that he caught a 7.5 pound perch. I couldn't make that up. Now, he leaves out the part that he was fishing in downtown New Orleans." --Bill Maher

"No, he was fishing on his ranch. He has a manmade lake that is artificially stocked with fish, and let's not forget the scuba divers who are under there who actually put the fish on the hook for him. And then Cheney comes over and they literally shoot fish in a barrel. The part I love is that he says he caught a 7.5 pound perch, when the biggest perch on record is 4.3 pounds. Bush lied and a fish died, that's all I have to say. And Cheney went even further. He said when they pulled the fish out of the water it greeted them as liberators." --Bill Maher

"Bush said his brother, Jeb, would make a great president. That's all we need. Big Brother's little brother." --Bill Maher

"It's about as low as you can go without getting caught in a Port-O-John with George Michael" --Jimmy Kimmel, on Bush's low approval rating

"Bush's approval rating has fallen into the 20s -- 29 percent in the latest poll. I tell you. It's hard out there for a chimp. ... He says doesn't pay attention to the polls. If he wants to know what the American people are thinking, he'll listen to your calls." --Bill Maher

"President Bush said that when it comes to hurricane preparedness, step number one is to, quote, 'pray that there's no hurricanes.' Later President Bush admitted, 'Yeah, that's our entire plan.'" --Conan O'Brien

"The new issue of Rolling Stone magazine features a cover story about President Bush called 'The Worst President in History.' President Bush said 'That's not fair, I'm also the worst president in math, English and geography.'" --Conan O'Brien

"President Bush was hosting the Chinese president at the White House, President Hu. Or as I call them when they're together: President Hu and President Huh? ... It was actually a very controversial summit. Some think it's wrong to meet a dictator with a deplorable human rights record, but apparently President Hu was okay with it." --Bill Maher

"It is astounding, is it not, that the president, who was always so incestuously linked to oil companies for years and years is suddenly shocked, shocked, at what's going on. But I'm not surprised that Bush has no recollection of how gas prices got so high. He has no recollection of doing cocaine and that was right under his nose" --Bill Maher