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George Bush Jokes

Late-Night Jokes About President George W. Bush

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"Things getting very nasty in Washington. Today the White House denied an assertion by Senator Harry Reid that the Iraq war is 'the worst foreign policy mistake in U.S. history.' The White House said, 'You have to realize that President Bush has two more years in office.'" --Conan O'Brien

"The House passed a non-binding resolution against the surge. Bush says he can't wait to get it to his imaginary desk and veto it with his air pen. He said, 'I've got my own non-binding resolution. It's called the United States Constitution.'" --Bill Maher

"Mitt Romney says he plans to differentiate himself from President Bush with a single word -- 'intelligence.' ... When he heard this, President Bush said, 'Intelligence? That's two words.'" --Conan O'Brien

"Earlier today, President Bush spoke on the phone with the prime minister of Australia. When the prime minister told him it was tomorrow in Australia, Bush's head exploded." --Conan O'Brien

"In 2036, an asteroid is going to hit Earth. ... Talk about pressures for President Bush. The question President Bush has been asking himself all day is 'Where is Superman?'" --David Letterman

"Did you all have a nice Presidents' Day yesterday? President Bush marked the occasion in his usual way -- by ignoring the other two branches of government." --Jay Leno

"The president had another press conference this weekend. He was really banging the war drum about Iran. He said after 9/11, Katrina, and Iraq, he wants to go out with just one more giant f**k up." --Bill Maher

"He said the Iranians are sending weapons into Iraq. He's sure it's reliable intelligence, 'cause this time he was in the room when they made it up." --Bill Maher

"Former Clinton adviser Dick Morris said, 'Hillary Clinton will be the next president, but she'll be the worst president we've ever seen.' After hearing this, President Bush said, 'Wait a minute, I'm not finished yet.'" --Conan O'Brien

“A total now of eight people have announced that they want to be president. It's George Bush's fault. He has lowered the standard." --David Letterman

"As it does every year, this State of the Union matches up two bitter rivals: the president of the United States and words." --Jon Stewart

"31 million people watched the president -- many, I suspect, in hopes that he would get voted off. ... One of the big topics, of course, was the war. The president said he understands that Americans are losing patience, but he would like us to give his new plan a chance to work. In other words, all he is saying is give war a chance" --Jimmy Kimmel

"I'll give President Bush credit though. He addressed the problems troubling Americans -- the war in Iraq, the economy, the need to develop alternative fuels. He seemed to know what we were thinking. It's almost as if he was reading our mail or listening to our phone calls." --Jay Leno

"Seriously, the stakes are very high. And in this high stakes game, the president of the United States made one simple request [on screen: Bush asking Americans to give the new Iraq strategy a chance]. He's right. Everyone deserves a seventh chance." --Jon Stewart, on Bush’s State of the Union address

"During an interview with '60 Minutes' on Sunday, President Bush defended the invasion of Iraq, saying, 'We liberated that country from a tyrant. I think the Iraqi people owe the American people a huge debt of gratitude.' Said the Iraqi people, 'We've been meaning to send a card, but our Hallmark store keeps blowing up.'" --Amy Poehler

"Some good news. Finally, President Bush is going to do something about global warming. He became alarmed when another chunk of ice fell off his mother." --David Letterman

"President Bush is still on the road trying to drum up support for his new Iraq program. ... This time, Bush has an exit strategy for the Iraqi war. In January of 2009, he will escape to Crawford, Texas." --David Letterman

"President Bush is going to be talking about global warming in his State of the Union address. He's unveiling his new plan. I believe it's called 'No Ice Cap Left Behind.'" --David Letterman

"President Bush has called on Iraq for a better performance by their government. And today, Iraq said, 'Uh, you first.'" --Jay Leno

"Bush admitted to making mistakes in Iraq and says he has learned from these mistakes and will do better in Iran." --David Letterman

"The good news is last night President Bush finally admitted he's made mistakes in Iraq. The bad news is he's planning to make the same mistakes again." --Jay Leno

"After hearing the president's speech, Democrats in the Senate are seeking bipartisan support for a non-binding resolution opposing President Bush's deployment of his military escalation. In response, President Bush said, 'Huh?'" --Conan O'Brien

"President Bush also said that all the military commanders who have looked at his plan say it will work. That's because all the ones who said it wouldn't work aren't military commanders anymore." --Jay Leno

"Well, for the first time, President Bush admitted we are not winning the War in Iraq. But he said today that we're not winning but we're not losing. To which John Kerry said, make up your mind!" --Jay Leno

"Barack Obama was in New Hampshire Sunday. When informed of this, President Bush excitedly asked, 'Did we catch 'em?' --Seth Meyers

Compiled by Daniel Kurtzman
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