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Goodbye Bush Jokes

The Late-Night Comedians Bid Farewell to President Bush

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Goodbye Bush Jokes
"Nice to have you all here. As you all know, George Bush is no longer president, so they'll be no monologue." --Jay Leno

"Yesterday, when President Bush returned to Texas, people who were there to greet him were holding up signs that said, 'You made us so proud.' Afterwards, the people admitted that the store was out of 'You totally embarrassed us' signs." --Conan O'Brien

"President Bush is back in Texas, unemployed like much of the rest of America. Bush reportedly spent the day cataloging his papers, outlining his memoirs, and sketching out plans for his presidential library. Just kidding. He spent four hours seeing how many Reese's Pieces he could hold between his toes. 38, it turns out." --Jimmy Kimmel

"This morning, Barack Obama entered the Oval Office for the first time as president and he spent ten minutes alone. Yep. Shows you how things have changed. When President Bush spent ten minutes alone in the Oval Office, it was called a time-out." --Conan O'Brien

"Well, did you all see Obama's speech? He said America is finally ready to lead again, to which Bush said: 'Hey, I'm sitting here! Hello! I'm still here!'" --Jay Leno

"Barack Obama is in the latest issue of the 'Spider-Man' comics. That's when you know you're big, when you're in 'Spider-Man' comics. The story is about how Spider-Man stops bad guys from ruining Barack's inauguration. And psychologists believe this comic book was actually very handy in helping President Bush understand the transition." --Jay Leno

"Officials at the White House say that President Bush completed his last piece of official business in the Oval Office at 6:00 am this morning. Yep. Bush says it should take Obama weeks to find where he hid the dead fish." --Conan O'Brien

"Tomorrow, America will get to hear those four words we've been waiting for, 'former President George Bush,' President Bush said he is leaving Washington with his head held high, because it is the best way to spot shoes that are coming at you." --Jay Leno

"President Bush is winding things down. Yep, today was President Bush's last full day in office. He called the leaders of Denmark, Italy, Russia and South Korea to say, 'thank you.' Yeah, his exact words were, 'thank you for being one of the last four countries that will still take my calls.'" --Conan O'Brien

"And, of course, of course, now the real pressure is on. President Bush only has three days left to respond to Hurricane Katrina." --Jay Leno

"President Bush has asked all the major networks for 15 minutes of air time on Thursday to give his farewell speech to the nation. Well, the White House says he's going to use part of the time to list his accomplishments. No word yet what he's going to do with the other 14 minutes." --Jay Leno

"But I think everybody has warm feelings for George Bush now. He held his final press conference yesterday. He admitted — it takes a big man to do this — he admitted that a couple things didn’t go according to plan. A couple of things went haywire. His first term and his second term. Those two things." --David Letterman

"But President Bush did take credit for a couple of things. He said, you know, Dick Cheney hasn't shot anybody in a couple of years. So that's always good, right?" --David Letterman

"By the way, one week from tomorrow, here's what's going to happen. George W. Bush will be walking around on the ranch in Crawford, Texas, and he'll be saying: 'Listen to this, boys. You ought to see it. The office, it's an oval. Like a circle but it's an oval. I'm not kidding. No corners. It's like an oval. Honest to God. I was there for eight years." --David Letterman

"Today was President Bush's last Cabinet meeting. At one point, Bush got emotional and said, 'I never got to find out what HUD means.'" --Conan O'Brien

"Well, one more week left of President Bush, and the President has been busy saying his good-byes. Yesterday, he gave an unusually candid and animated press conference. As you may know, President Bush was never a big fan of press conferences because the press never really understood him, mostly because he makes up his own words. I'm really going to miss him. Can't we find a position for him? Something where we still get to hear the stupid stuff, but he doesn’t actually make any decisions? I mean, I'm all for change, but I have a show to do here." --Jimmy Kimmel

"But it's nice to know that there is one person untroubled by the Bush presidency [on screen: Bush saying he gave the presidency his 'all' for eight years and he didn't 'sell his soul for the sake of popularity']. You didn't need to! You sold ours." --Jon Stewart

"In an interview that was taped yesterday, President Bush said that the biggest disappointment of his presidency was the people who expressed bitterness about his leadership. And that was just at the Christmas dinner with his family." --Jay Leno

"President Bush had his final press conference today, and it went pretty well. Only three shoes were thrown." --David Letterman

"After eight years, it is kind of sad President Bush had his final press conference. And you know what that means for us here at the 'Late Show.' We're going to have to start writing our own comedy again." --David Letterman

~Compiled by Daniel Kurtzman
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